My cousin went travelling and nobody ever heard from him again

[Verity226]

My grandparents were his legal guardians and brought him up. When he was in his 20's (I was around 8 then) he said he wanted to go travelling in America so they helped him with some money and off he went saying he'd be back soon.

He never wrote, never called and never came back. Nobody ever heard from him again. It broke my grandparents hearts and they spent their final years worrying about him and whether he was OK. None of his friends ever heard from him again either. He completely disappeared off the face of the earth and there was no trace of him online (I looked every few years out of curiosity)

It has been 20 years since he vanished now.

Last year I signed up to ancestry and was looking at the family tree. I stumbled across something, I can't remember what exactly it was now, but it showed that he (his name) had an accounts and had recently been on there either researching the family or adding something to the tree.

I sent him a message through the site asking how he was and telling him a bit about my life, how I've had children etc. I gave my email address and said he could contact me if he wanted to be in touch. I didn't hear anything back.

What reasons could somebody have to want to dissappear like that and never speak to their family again? I was only a child when he left but I remember having a lovely relationship with him and seeing him as something of a big brother.

He obviously wants to be left alone which is his right but it's so confusing.

Do you think there's something I don't know?

@milkyaqua

But February 2020 was two years ago! I didn't catch that you'd tried to contact him that long ago, and hadn't looked back at the site until now.

Yes I made an ancestry account in 2020 and stumbled across his profile, I sent him a message on the site asking if he's my cousin and whether he remembers me, how I hope he's well and here's my Gmail address if he wants to be in touch.

I didn't log back in on the ancestry site until last night after I posted here, I never received an email from him to my gmail given so I assumed he'd either not seen my site message as he was only looking casually or that he'd seen my message and didn't want any contact.

This all came up last night as my friend mentioned his friend, [name redacted], and it took me back down memory lane and I wondered about our [name redacted].

I posted here, then decided to log in to ancestry to see if I was able to ascertain if he had been active on there anymore and low and behold I had a message in my inbox from him.

I didn't get any email notification that he'd replied on the site otherwise I would have known alot sooner that he had done.

I've sent him an email apologising for the delay in replying and explained why that was, I'm going to follow up later on with a proper response to his message.

[quote oviraptor21]@zafferana

Twenty years ago was 2002 and I can assure you @CollyFleur that both email and mobile phones existed by then! I had an email account from 1993 onwards and my first mobile in 1997.

But many/most people didn't. I had my first mobile phone in 2009 and was by no means unusual in that.

Fantastic news OP. I do hope you are able to piece together some of the missing years and move forward from this.[/quote]
Many/most people didn't???? Well if you were young and/or working in almost any capacity after the early 90s then you at least had an email address and the OP's brother was very IT literate, so he almost certainly would've been an early adopter of email.

I had my first email address at uni and bought my first mobile phone when I started working. It's true that my parents didn't have those things at that time, but many people aged between 20-40 would've done, which this guy was.

Well, I'm guessing he responded on the site as that was how you'd located him, and perhaps he felt wary in establishing full contact by giving over his email, which replying to you via email would have done. But now are your relying on him happening to look at the ancestry site? Which as he's had no reply since Feb 2020 seems an unlikely thing for him to do. Anyway, he's alive, which is great.

But many/most people didn't. I had my first mobile phone in 2009 and was by no means unusual in that. maybe not if you were 16, but most adults had mobiles by the late 90’s. It’s only over the past 10 years or so that teenagers have routinely had them.

OP I would be careful about telling e.g. your mum that you’ve found him until you know more re the reasons why he disappeared and has not been in touch since. He may actually not want people who were adults in his life back then to know anything about him.

@milkyaqua

Well, I'm guessing he responded on the site as that was how you'd located him, and perhaps he felt wary in establishing full contact by giving over his email, which replying to you via email would have done. But now are your relying on him happening to look at the ancestry site? Which as he's had no reply since Feb 2020 seems an unlikely thing for him to do. Anyway, he's alive, which is great.

He replied to my message on ancestry yes, but I didn't see it until last night.

In the message he sent me in 2020 he gave his personal email address, which I've now sent an email to.

@LadyPropane

How on earth would he have tried but failed to get in touch with his family?

That makes no sense. It is a very obvious and awkward lie.

But still, he may have his reasons for choosing not to contact his grandparents, and then may have avoided everyone else because he felt there was no other way to truly cut out his grandparents.

I agree with the PP that I would feel hurt about this, but still keep in mind that there could well be something big that went on that you don't know about. It's not normal for someone to completely disappear like that. They usually have one hell of a story.

This. ^

@Verity226 It's quite possible this man is genuine, and he clearly wants contact with old family or he wouldn't be on the internet on websites trying to contact family from the past!

I find it unbelievable however, (like some others here) that he couldn't manage to find anyone in the past 2 decades! Surely at least ONE family member has had the same address for several decades? Also, if you have such an unusual surname that would have made it even easier. AND - as a few people have said, the internet has been around for 22-23 years.

I do agree with pps though that I doubt he lost contact because he's a bit of a git! I think there's a lot more to it, and the fact 'his parents couldn't look after him' is very likely the crux of the issue. There were clearly huge personal issues at play.

It is odd though that he never got in touch with your grandparents to let them know he was OK. As a few pps have said though, there could be a reason for that too. You don't know what went on. There could have been abuse there or anything.

People don't just vanish off the face of the earth for no reason, and it's a BIT odd that he is so chirpy with you now, with 'yeah of COURSE I remember you!!! Please send me pics of my grandparents!'

Be very VERY careful, do not meet him alone, and don't give him your home address. If you're going to meet him (if he comes over to the UK,) meet him in a neutral place. Because there's a chance he is not who he claims to be. (I hope he is, and everything works out though!!!) Also, I would ask him for a pic of himself too.

@NoFriendsNoEnemies

But many/most people didn't. I had my first mobile phone in 2009 and was by no means unusual in that. maybe not if you were 16, but most adults had mobiles by the late 90’s. It’s only over the past 10 years or so that teenagers have routinely had them.

OP I would be careful about telling e.g. your mum that you’ve found him until you know more re the reasons why he disappeared and has not been in touch since. He may actually not want people who were adults in his life back then to know anything about him.

He says in his message that he's happy for me to share his message with my mum, but I'll hold off on telling her just yet.

Will see what he says next.

OP, be aware that he will presume you didn't want to get back in touch, as he message was 2 years ago. Maybe send a starter message "only just found your Ancestry message, are you still using this email and do you still want to hear from me?" before sending a deluge of an email with photos and 20 years of family history. But it's lovely that he got back in touch.

Just pointing out that being in the US for 14 years means there are some years unaccounted for when he first left. I hope he's able to give you the answers you're after, and that you're both supportive of each other in what sounds like quite a damaging family set up in the generation above yours.

Was thinking of this. There may be reasons why he lost contact, debt, illness, addictions and also why he didn't get in touch.

He also might have sent a letter or cards (Christmas etc) to your grandparents but they either didn't tell you or binned them or hid them away especially if it was non-committal card or letter.

Actually yes thinking about it I too would be very wary of what information you give him.

As PP has said, he’s clearly lying about not being able to contact family over the years. Either he hasn’t been in contact because he clearly didn’t want to be, or he’s not been in contact because he couldn’t, i.e. he has been in prison or similar.

People generally conclude that when someone goes missing it must have been something someone else did, but actually here I’m more inclined to think that it’s something he did which the grandparents covered up. Maybe he was set to go to prison and they said he’d gone travelling.

I know you’ve looked him up on social media etc but have you googled his name?

Either he hasn’t been in contact because he clearly didn’t want to be, or he’s not been in contact because he couldn’t, i.e. he has been in prison or similar.

Since when have prisoners been unable to contact anyone?

Since when have prisoners been unable to contact anyone? if no-one knew he’d gone to prison and his grandparents had agreed to tel people that he’d gone travelling, then he wouldn’t have been able to get in touch because any correspondence would have had a prison address on it. And that way everyone would have known where he really was.

I've googled his name multiple times over the years and there's nothing whatsoever indexed online about him.

I thought perhaps he'd changed his name but the email address he sent me in 2020, that I've just discovered, is his birth name - our family name and the name we all know him by.

It's possible he made that email account as a disposable one for the purpose of giving it to me but who knows.

I've now sent him a longer email and said if he could confirm he's still using that email address I'm happy to send photographs.

@NoFriendsNoEnemies

Since when have prisoners been unable to contact anyone? if no-one knew he’d gone to prison and his grandparents had agreed to tel people that he’d gone travelling, then he wouldn’t have been able to get in touch because any correspondence would have had a prison address on it. And that way everyone would have known where he really was.

That assumes it was him who didn’t want people to know he was in prison and that his grandparents ‘agreed’ to the lie. Isn’t it more likely that THEY wanted to keep it a secret rather than him? And ‘everyone’ would have known where he really was? How are all these people seeing private correspondence?

Why are people making up mad stories about where he's been? And centring him as the villain? It seems far more likely that he was a distressed young man who felt the need to get away, and now time has passed and he is middleaged, I assume, and his feelings have changed.

@milkyaqua

Why are people making up mad stories about where he's been? And centring him as the villain? It seems far more likely that he was a distressed young man who felt the need to get away, and now time has passed and he is middleaged, I assume, and his feelings have changed.

This ^ is the most likely scenario.

It is a bit odd. You googled him in the past and nothing came up. No SM, employment, legal issues etc. I would think that he had a name change or nickname that he preferred to use BUT he is using his full name as his email. Doesn't add up.

Has he given you any kind of proof that he is your cousin?

@Febrier

If you read the full thread you will see that I was not the only one to use the term in question so you can bore off too - I'm hiding this thread now so don't bother replying to me.

FWIW I'm

@CouldIhaveaword

It is a bit odd. You googled him in the past and nothing came up. No SM, employment, legal issues etc. I would think that he had a name change or nickname that he preferred to use BUT he is using his full name as his email. Doesn't add up.

Has he given you any kind of proof that he is your cousin?

In his message he mentioned my mum by name, despite me only referring to her as mum in my initial message so its definitelty him.

I do think it's odd how there is no online presence despite him being massively into IT, so I think its likely he does have another name he goes by.

@CouldIhaveaword

It is a bit odd. You googled him in the past and nothing came up. No SM, employment, legal issues etc. I would think that he had a name change or nickname that he preferred to use BUT he is using his full name as his email. Doesn't add up.

Has he given you any kind of proof that he is your cousin?

I agree the OP should tread cautiously but, if for a long time he didn’t want to be found, it doesn’t seem that odd that he wasn’t all over social media.

I have a relatively unusual name. I just Googled myself and only three results were relevant to me - my LinkedIn profile, a list of Facebook profiles with the same name and a site that clearly data mines from LinkedIn. If I wasn’t on either site (as, for example, my mother isn’t), I effectively wouldn’t exist on on Google without some more in-depth digging.

OP, you might want to ask HQ to delete your post mentioning his name. If he ever stumbled across this (not sure how but you never know, especially if the DM get a whiff of it) he might not appreciate his real name being mentioned.

@MrsPelligrinoPetrichor

OP, you might want to ask HQ to delete your post mentioning his name. If he ever stumbled across this (not sure how but you never know, especially if the DM get a whiff of it) he might not appreciate his real name being mentioned.

Oh bugger, yes you're right.

I'll ask MNHQ to take that out

@ISpyCobraKai

You'll never know the reason, only he does, but what I'd say is it was his decision and he did it for a reason so leave him be.

If he wanted to disappear though I'm surprised that he would use his own name and family on Ancestry and have his research available to others rather than keeping it private.

How hard would it be to find out your mums name? Are you friends on Facebook? What details do you give to the ancestry website? I'm sure he's legit but it doesn't hurt to keep your eyes open.

In his message he mentioned my mum by name, despite me only referring to her as mum in my initial message
That is obviously information available on ancestry website. Did he say anything at all that he couldn't find out by basic research?