BIL charged indecent images. DH's favourite person

[LotinLife]

Need some advice on how to 1. Save our marriage 2. Whilst protecting our young children 3. Living with the fact that you're the only one that suspects.

So, BIL, who I've known for 15+ years and has always been a close relative. Knew him since he was a young teenager. My DH (older by 9+ years) loves him and has quoted on a number of occasions that he is his favourite person and has unconditional love for him. DH of course loves his children and they too are his favourite persons. Anyway, DH and BIL relationship is extremely close and has been commented on how close they are by all members of family and friends.

However, in the past year we were contacted by SS that he was charged with possession of indecent images and that he was to have no unsupervised visits with our children. Of course that came as a shock. SS apologised that in fact they should've contacted us earlier.
BIL hadn't told us anything.

But being a family we wanted to hear both sides (SS didn't go into the details). BIL broke down to DH via call and said that there was a couple of files to believed were found and he had no awareness of them because he had a large amount of neutral pornography all together. Now at the time I accepted this answer, if you had a couple of images out of thousands you could be innocent of not knowing they were there. We gave him the benefit of the doubt. we also understood why he didn't tell us and believe he was working up the courage to do so. I've know him since he was younger so I didn't suspect anything and I'll admit his is he abit of coward especially about tarnishing the image my DH has of him. We continue to back him up and allowed supervised visits.

Until the court charges were brought to light and the extent of the images. This was a year later. A couple of images (BIL said) turned into hundreds (plural) , all different categorises. He didn't me and my DH this was released but it was my FIL who said to us off handed. I read them and my heart fell. I also had questions, what does inaccessible mean etc? So those hundreds of images were inaccessible but a couple weren't and so I did a quick search and took the first answer that inaccessible meant the accused didn't have access to them... Which in our eyes matched the original story: that BIL didn't know they were there and how they got there. Again we believed him yet annoyed again he didn't inform us (so that we as a family could prepare to protect him).....
A month past since that revelation and I felt things didn't start to add up anymore.
2 files is not closer to a thousand files... Does inaccessible really mean that? There was no mention about malicious software to create those images out of thin air.... Surely the investigation team are the best to consider search results and parameters? How does someone even come across these?!
That's when I looked again at what inaccessible means and from definition it's simply that they were deleted or moved... But had left an imprint on the device, which the team can see what the file was and recover it. So unfortunately I dont know for sure if they were viewed before or simply deleted because they were mass deleted..... But again, that does not (in my opinion) equate to the original story.

I have now my suspicions. I worry for my children. I feel BIL, being the baby of the family, is grooming them all and that he could in fact groom my children when he is able (when his sentence is up/lifted).

My DH, I love him, but I have strong belief he will never believe my suspicions and quite frankly believe BIL is no threat.

I'm stuck in the position that it really is me against his family and he'll choose his family.

I've accepted that I may never convince him but then how can I ensure that BIL is not able to be a threat? If I divorce can I demand full custody to ensure they can not see BIL without supervision? Would that be guaranteed? Or should I maintain the marriage (which honestly was fine before this massive upheaval) but be that always vigilant hovering mother and manipulate events so that BIL is never alone with the children without offend DH. I know I would like to have the cut all ties off, but am I doing that to spite my face or, although more stressful and long term, be the one in control... Keep your friends close keep your enemies closer phrase comes to mind.

Still awaiting on BIL final sentence but if he's still allowed supervised visits am I able to anonymously ask SS to apply stricter rules without DH knowing so I can at least not have to start this vigilante/passive aggressive action to block BIL interaction immediately?

Are there any other children in the family?

@saraclara

OP went along with BIL's excuses and chose to believe him, and she kept allowing supervised contact with her children even now. Any normal person would run far. But I'm entirely unsurprised to see you here defending doing the barest minimum in safeguarding considering I saw you on another thread defending an alleged rapist and encouraging OP to continue dating him.

Hi OP,

Sorry this is happening, it must be awful. Some years ago a friend of mine discovered his brother had been charged with a similar offence and it was almost impossible for him to get his head round. (Friend doesn’t have kids, but the brother who was charged does.)

As a starting point and for expert advice, you may find the Lucy Faithfull foundation helpful. They support families where someone has been found to be an abuser or to be behaving in sexually inappropriate ways. If they can’t help you directly they can likely signpost you to an organisation that can.

www.lucyfaithfull.org.uk/

I'm so sorry OP this is so awful.

[quote cuno]@saraclara

OP went along with BIL's excuses and chose to believe him, and she kept allowing supervised contact with her children even now. Any normal person would run far. But I'm entirely unsurprised to see you here defending doing the barest minimum in safeguarding considering I saw you on another thread defending an alleged rapist and encouraging OP to continue dating him. [/quote]
Social services have decided what safeguarding needs to be in place, and OP has observed that throughout.

She needs support to defy her husband's wishes and keep the children away from BIL completely, and that's why she wants SS to up their guidance.

Many many people have pointed out that running far will not help. DH would then be entitled to have his children with him without OP which will mean she can't monitor what they do with him.

This is why she's been a rock and a hard place. If she stays, she can at least ensure they're never alone with BIL. If she leaves with the children, DH will get access and will be able to do what he likes when he has them.

Knee jerk reactions are not helpful in cases like this. I can only hope that the sentencing will solve the problem..

Funny how I've managed to reach my 47 years without indecent images popping up on my laptop ...
He must be very unlucky

@saraclara So I take it then you would supervise contact between your kids and a convicted child sex offender, rather than just not allowing contact and booting that person out of your life? Do you often aspire to the bare minimum expected by social services when it comes to parenting? The bar is pretty low, I can assure you.

Clearly you think it is normal to happily go along with whatever sex offenders tell you, going by your reaction on this thread and another one.

@saraclara the OP stated even after being approached by SS they gave BIL the benefit of the doubt!!! I cannot get my head around that.

[quote cuno]@saraclara So I take it then you would supervise contact between your kids and a convicted child sex offender, rather than just not allowing contact and booting that person out of your life? Do you often aspire to the bare minimum expected by social services when it comes to parenting? The bar is pretty low, I can assure you.

Clearly you think it is normal to happily go along with whatever sex offenders tell you, going by your reaction on this thread and another one.[/quote]
But how does the OP "booting the person out of her life" stop her husband from allowing contact? That's the point saraclara is making. The OP NEEDS a higher power to tell her husband "no contact" because he won't nor does he have to do what she says, and if she leaves she will have even less control over the situation. At least where she is now she can make sure there is no unsupervised contact.

Look on Facebook videos for paedophile hunters, watch perpetrators get stung by paedophile hunting groups & the videos will tell you anything you need to know. Chances are he got stung by one of the groups, nobody will have knocked on his door as a random thing to check his devices. Make your husband watch & then ask him if he would let one of them be alone with your dc, if he says no then ask him what the difference is between them & bil, if he says he would allow dc to see bil then you have your answer & divorce is the only option to keep your dc safe.

OP this is a terrible place to be, I'm so sorry. As someone who is separated from my ex I'd definitely agree you are far more able to protect your child in your marriage than divorced.

The case will be public, it may even be in the news, so you'll have enough evidence to show your DH the truth.

Hi OP, as a PP said, assuming he's found guilty, even when an offender has served their sentence, some restrictions on them having involvement with children will remain. So in theory you don't have to worry about him then having unsupervised access to your DC (assuming your husband complies with any rules put in place- and if not, you can let the authorities know.) I think a lot of people would never let him be alone with the kids again, even if he's not found guilty - in case like many criminals, he did do it and got away with it.

Of course, not having him near them at all would be even better.

@LotinLife it wasn't clear from your first post when I read it first but he's already been been found guilty and sentenced. How long was he sentenced to and what did his sentencing include? Did your DH go to court?

It looks like you have a plan in place but I'd still speak to SS too. Try and get something which confirms his risk to your children but never let them out of your sight around any of your DH's family. They are clearly minimising this and I would not trust them - I assume it's either because they don't believe it or see it as a victimless crime (it isn't). It's unforgivable to accept this and you don't need to know the extent really, you just need to know that he was convicted and how to protect your children going forwards.

My friends mum knew a family whereby the father was rumoured to be a paedophile, this was the early 80s. One day she left her toddler daughter with the lady whilst she had an appointment, when she went to collect her daughter, the mother said the husband was in the attic room playing with all the children. It was too late, her child had been abused within that hour.

@Nat6999

Look on Facebook videos for paedophile hunters, watch perpetrators get stung by paedophile hunting groups & the videos will tell you anything you need to know. Chances are he got stung by one of the groups, nobody will have knocked on his door as a random thing to check his devices. Make your husband watch & then ask him if he would let one of them be alone with your dc, if he says no then ask him what the difference is between them & bil, if he says he would allow dc to see bil then you have your answer & divorce is the only option to keep your dc safe.

The police have a special unit to trace the address of people accessing thes images they get woken up by a team of police at 5am. The hunters usually get the details of people by posing in chat rooms pretending to be victims

@Whatever00

So I'm going to share something I NEVER share. When I was little my dad's little brother used to come in my room and abuse me. I told my dad and he was never left alone with me again. No police. No social services. Nothing. My dad personally told his other siblings. They believed he would never hurt his children. Two cousin claim he raped them repeatedly throughout childhood. Another two claim he molested them. That's the people I know about. He is a predator. No one has ever gone to the police. Anyhow, I'm telling you this because you have a duty to protect your children above anything else. Your husbands love for his brother will not stop BIL preying on your children. Allowing your kids to have a relationship with him is like giving the green light to your kids that you believe he is a safe person. You are putting them in a vulnerable position.

You need to go to the police and report this.

Apologies for the thread hijack but there seem to be quite a few knowledgeable people on here about the process when someone is charged with this offence. An acquaintance has been on remand for several months after being charged. I'm assuming this implies the offences must be pretty serious? Is it usual for this to happen or are most offenders bailed before hearing? Thanks

This is an awful situation. Please read posts from those with knowledge, and keep your children away at all costs. I think my stance would have to be, my children are never allowed near him.

I find that people like this, even if they not "actively"/physically abusing a child; have a habit of saying things, have a certain vibe etc that is uncomfortable & sometimes inappropriate. The children (ab other adults for thst matter).are around that, that uncomfortable vibe and care conditioned to feel like they have to tolerate that uncomfortable/sometimes inappropriate behaviour, conditioned to think it's normal (I must be ok and this must be how you act around people who make you.uncomfortable or who are inappropriate, because your parents are toleratingbit and they're making you tolerate it). Therefore any contact can cause blurred , weak boundaries in kids and young adults

And fir the sake or argument, what happens if the sex offender encounters them alone in the street, or when they're older in shops etc. Is he going to ignore them and run away because of his legal.constraints.
He's being presented and included in their lives as a safe person.

DH’s favourite person

Shudder

I would not have the supervised contact.

Your oh is clearly currently completely unable/unwilling to do that however. He's in denial (at best). Perhaps, as ppl have suggested, attending the sentencing might help him wake up. Perhaps not.

But how does the OP "booting the person out of her life" stop her husband from allowing contact? That's the point saraclara is making. The OP NEEDS a higher power to tell her husband "no contact" because he won't nor does he have to do what she says, and if she leaves she will have even less control over the situation. At least where she is now she can make sure there is no unsupervised contact.

Thank you @BadNomad for actually reading my post. Something that @cumo is seemingly unprepared to do.

I wouldn't allow any contact at all. Even supervised if your kids go near him and want to play like kids do, what are you going to do? Throw yourself between them? What if they want to hold his hand or something on a walk?

No no no.

You need to go to the sentencing to find the truth. Paedos are all liars, no one wants to admit being the worst of society.