BIL charged indecent images. DH's favourite person

[LotinLife]

Need some advice on how to 1. Save our marriage 2. Whilst protecting our young children 3. Living with the fact that you're the only one that suspects.

So, BIL, who I've known for 15+ years and has always been a close relative. Knew him since he was a young teenager. My DH (older by 9+ years) loves him and has quoted on a number of occasions that he is his favourite person and has unconditional love for him. DH of course loves his children and they too are his favourite persons. Anyway, DH and BIL relationship is extremely close and has been commented on how close they are by all members of family and friends.

However, in the past year we were contacted by SS that he was charged with possession of indecent images and that he was to have no unsupervised visits with our children. Of course that came as a shock. SS apologised that in fact they should've contacted us earlier.
BIL hadn't told us anything.

But being a family we wanted to hear both sides (SS didn't go into the details). BIL broke down to DH via call and said that there was a couple of files to believed were found and he had no awareness of them because he had a large amount of neutral pornography all together. Now at the time I accepted this answer, if you had a couple of images out of thousands you could be innocent of not knowing they were there. We gave him the benefit of the doubt. we also understood why he didn't tell us and believe he was working up the courage to do so. I've know him since he was younger so I didn't suspect anything and I'll admit his is he abit of coward especially about tarnishing the image my DH has of him. We continue to back him up and allowed supervised visits.

Until the court charges were brought to light and the extent of the images. This was a year later. A couple of images (BIL said) turned into hundreds (plural) , all different categorises. He didn't me and my DH this was released but it was my FIL who said to us off handed. I read them and my heart fell. I also had questions, what does inaccessible mean etc? So those hundreds of images were inaccessible but a couple weren't and so I did a quick search and took the first answer that inaccessible meant the accused didn't have access to them... Which in our eyes matched the original story: that BIL didn't know they were there and how they got there. Again we believed him yet annoyed again he didn't inform us (so that we as a family could prepare to protect him).....
A month past since that revelation and I felt things didn't start to add up anymore.
2 files is not closer to a thousand files... Does inaccessible really mean that? There was no mention about malicious software to create those images out of thin air.... Surely the investigation team are the best to consider search results and parameters? How does someone even come across these?!
That's when I looked again at what inaccessible means and from definition it's simply that they were deleted or moved... But had left an imprint on the device, which the team can see what the file was and recover it. So unfortunately I dont know for sure if they were viewed before or simply deleted because they were mass deleted..... But again, that does not (in my opinion) equate to the original story.

I have now my suspicions. I worry for my children. I feel BIL, being the baby of the family, is grooming them all and that he could in fact groom my children when he is able (when his sentence is up/lifted).

My DH, I love him, but I have strong belief he will never believe my suspicions and quite frankly believe BIL is no threat.

I'm stuck in the position that it really is me against his family and he'll choose his family.

I've accepted that I may never convince him but then how can I ensure that BIL is not able to be a threat? If I divorce can I demand full custody to ensure they can not see BIL without supervision? Would that be guaranteed? Or should I maintain the marriage (which honestly was fine before this massive upheaval) but be that always vigilant hovering mother and manipulate events so that BIL is never alone with the children without offend DH. I know I would like to have the cut all ties off, but am I doing that to spite my face or, although more stressful and long term, be the one in control... Keep your friends close keep your enemies closer phrase comes to mind.

Still awaiting on BIL final sentence but if he's still allowed supervised visits am I able to anonymously ask SS to apply stricter rules without DH knowing so I can at least not have to start this vigilante/passive aggressive action to block BIL interaction immediately?

OP, that is a very sensible step forward.

The NSPCC have good resources on how to talk to young kids about private body parts.
Check out

www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/support-for-parents/pants-underwear-rule/

[quote Shtfday]@mathanxiety

Please elaborate?

What exactly does deaf ears have to do with evil??[/quote]
You are taking (widely recognised) figurative speech out of context.

My ears may be figuratively incapable of hearing the truth (good or bad reality). I may also be ‘blind’ to the truth and ‘mute’ when I should speak.

Have you not heard these expressions in everyday conversation?

That was directed at Shtf.

X

I'd like to add to Abra1d1's comment that figurative speech involving the terms deaf, blind, and mute are not analogous to a phrase like 'throwing a paddy'.

The very commonly used phrases which have been highlighted here are not in any way a reflection on people who are deaf (or blind, or mute) while phrases stereotyping ethnic groups reflect directly on alleged traits of those people so caricatured.

I have a relative who got done for possessing nude images of children, not 'sexy' images, just nude.
He got charged and sentenced. Not jailed but a big part of his sentence was that he was not allowed near children under 16,
so, you don't need to worry, you can simply say you cannot break the law so It's out of your hands.
Sorry you're dealing with this crap Xx

@Whatever00

So I'm going to share something I NEVER share. When I was little my dad's little brother used to come in my room and abuse me. I told my dad and he was never left alone with me again. No police. No social services. Nothing. My dad personally told his other siblings. They believed he would never hurt his children. Two cousin claim he raped them repeatedly throughout childhood. Another two claim he molested them. That's the people I know about. He is a predator. No one has ever gone to the police. Anyhow, I'm telling you this because you have a duty to protect your children above anything else. Your husbands love for his brother will not stop BIL preying on your children. Allowing your kids to have a relationship with him is like giving the green light to your kids that you believe he is a safe person. You are putting them in a vulnerable position.

I sincerely hope someone in your family is brave enough to actually go to the police. So far, your family has given him a free pass to carry on merrily abusing children by not doing so.

I'm terribly sorry this happened to you. But you're a grown up now. So are your cousins. Can you not all go in together and be there for each other?

I have a relative who got done for possessing nude images of children, not 'sexy' images, just nude

Sorry. No offense, but are you certain this is what happened?

@millytilly34

I have a relative who got done for possessing nude images of children, not 'sexy' images, just nude. He got charged and sentenced. Not jailed but a big part of his sentence was that he was not allowed near children under 16, so, you don't need to worry, you can simply say you cannot break the law so It's out of your hands. Sorry you're dealing with this crap Xx

I don't think 'sexy' is an appropriate description of what is in fact pictures of children being abused and raped.

@millytilly34

I have a relative who got done for possessing nude images of children, not 'sexy' images, just nude. He got charged and sentenced. Not jailed but a big part of his sentence was that he was not allowed near children under 16, so, you don't need to worry, you can simply say you cannot break the law so It's out of your hands. Sorry you're dealing with this crap Xx

Sexy?? WTF?

You mean photos of children being sexually abused?

*sincerely hope someone in your family is brave enough to actually go to the police. So far, your family has given him a free pass to carry on merrily abusing children by not doing so.

I'm terribly sorry this happened to you. But you're a grown up now. So are your cousins. Can you not all go in together and be there for each other?*

This really isn't an okay thing to say to a victim of childhood sexual abuse.
The impact of this kind of trauma can last for decades.
The only person giving this abuser a free pass to abuse is the man himself. The victims are not responsible for his behavior.

@Coyoacan

I have a relative who got done for possessing nude images of children, not 'sexy' images, just nude

Sorry. No offense, but are you certain this is what happened?

This is a bit outing but it was actually ages ago, so -basically I was one of the children in the photos the relative had. I was not doing anything sexual at all, I was merely sat drying in front of the fire after bath time, playing in the paddling pool in an enclosed back garden, etc. I didn't even know what sex was. I was totally innocent. I was not being touched in the photos, so he got less done than if I'd been photographed being touched. It feels like yesterday.

Ok- So, he didn't rape me or even touch me, but it's still really affected my life. I fail to see how these perverts can perceive an image of a child as sexy, but he obviously did. He would just flash at me whenever alone with me and say weird stuff, like it was a game. He said I'd ' flirted' with him. It's ages ago now but I still feel mucked up by it.

I had a condition that made me grow breasts aged seven but I didn't think anything of it, I'd still wander around nude, I didn't realise men were like that. I was 14 when it all came out, and even at 14 I wasn't interested at all in sex or flirting, I still read comics and played at making dens.
Still hate sex.
They don't get long enough punishments. You get more for credit card fraud.

@BlueOverYellow

Guilt tripping a survivor of SA is appalling.

It is not the poster's responsibility to go to police.

Don't even go there.

Oh how I loathe this narrative that girls and women are responsible for men's behaviour, even those who have been terribly harmed.

@LotinLife

Sorry but your long winded response reeks.

You are assuming the role of judge and jury, "I will find out the truth"

No, that is the role of the authorities. Your role is to protect your children.

Based on the information which has been provided to you by authorities, your children's uncle is a paedophile, a child abuser. A man who gains pleasure from sec with children or has a great internet in sex with children.

And it is blindingly arrogant to imagine that you can educate your husband when you are so deep in denial yourself.

You both need professional support.

You talk about irreparable damage. That is exactly what your brother in law does to children.

The prospect of him causing irreparable damage to your children is what you are flirting with when you elevate yourself to manage such a dangerous situation while wearing blinders.

I think it's equally important that your husband is a tennis court actually. He needs to hear it said.

[quote sweetbellyhigh]@LotinLife

Sorry but your long winded response reeks.

You are assuming the role of judge and jury, "I will find out the truth"

No, that is the role of the authorities. Your role is to protect your children.

Based on the information which has been provided to you by authorities, your children's uncle is a paedophile, a child abuser. A man who gains pleasure from sec with children or has a great internet in sex with children.

And it is blindingly arrogant to imagine that you can educate your husband when you are so deep in denial yourself.

You both need professional support.

You talk about irreparable damage. That is exactly what your brother in law does to children.

The prospect of him causing irreparable damage to your children is what you are flirting with when you elevate yourself to manage such a dangerous situation while wearing blinders.[/quote]
I agree with you. I don't understand people telling OP she's sensible.

Most juries don't manage to convict, sadly, even when the evidence is excellent. Focus on your children, not trying to give your BIL a chance. It's not him who needs it most.

I really really really hope that SS see the OP’s focus on her DH rather than the safety of her children and at the very least have the family stay on their radar

Oh how I loathe this narrative that girls and women are responsible for men's behaviour, even those who have been terribly harmed

Victims can be girls/boys/men/women. There was no identity of the gender of the victims. But there were both male and female extended family members involved in the cover up, both victims and non victims. There is nothing stopping any of them from getting together and going in to report the abuser.

@millytilly34 so sorry to hear that and I wish you healing

[quote Villagewaspbyke]@millytilly34 so sorry to hear that and I wish you healing[/quote]
Thankyou xxxx

without seemingly being the wicked witch from the west

In this situation that may be exactly what you need to be in order to protect your children.

It is painful to be unpopular, to say unpopular things; but it is what you must do and what you are creeping towards. I can only wish you good luck.

@HollowTalk

I think it's equally important that your husband is a tennis court actually. He needs to hear it said.

Yes, I can see the advantage in that. :)

@millytilly34

So sorry

[quote Coyoacan]@millytilly34

So sorry[/quote]
Thanks xxx