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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say that buying a puppy is NOT like having a baby.

430 replies

annoyedfr · 16/03/2022 11:35

After TTC, 9 months of a difficult pregnancy, a traumatic 48 hour labour which ended with me having sepsis and baby in SCBU, 2 weeks inpatient stay, 2 years of developmental worries, all this on top of the entirely normal unbelievable stress/responsibility/cost of having a baby and child ... WIBU to tell my (wonderful but in this instance thoughtless) friend that getting a puppy is not like having a baby? Because she has not suffered birth injuries to have her 'child', a dog is not a lifelong commitment in any sort of the same way as a baby (if it were as ill as my daughter they probably would have put it down tbh rather than watch it so ill for so long and wonder if it would live and if so what quality of life it would have), and dogs do not need anywhere the sort of attention and input as an actual human child?

I didn't bite the first time she said it. I bit the third time.

It's not the only time I've heard it and it's become a bit of a bugbear.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Rosesareyellow · 17/03/2022 06:16

We have a rescue dog who was already 2 or 3 when he came to us - although I’m sure he must have been incredibly cute as a puppy I always see it as a big bonus of getting a rescue that I didn’t have to deal with the puppy stage. I would definitely avoid the puppy stage again if we have another dog! My colleague was recently surprised by one of her children with a new puppy as a gift (stupid beyond reason) and has had to take time off for stress because of this Confused that’s an extreme example, but yeah she wasn’t ready for one and was completely knackered out by the situation.
I wouldn’t want to look after a puppy if I could avoid it. But we are trying for another baby - make of that what you will.

Willyoujustbequiet · 17/03/2022 06:52

No of course it's nothing like it. Not comparable at all and I've done both several times.

CoverYourselfInChocolateGlory · 17/03/2022 07:12

People say it because there are still loads of people out there who think getting a puppy is easy, or the same as getting a kitten. They are cute, probably housetrained already and will follow you around and go on brisk country walks with you. The truth is a lot of sleepless nights, clearing up mess, dealing with bad behaviour and training training training. Of course having a puppy is not like having a kid, but if it makes someone who is unprepared think twice about it or get ready for the actual reality of dog-ownership then I understand the comparison.

CinematicNightScenes · 17/03/2022 08:07

Honestly she is probably just saying it lightly as part of conversation, to build a connection - she doesn't have a baby, you don't have a puppy but you both have caring responsibilities to tiny creatures. In conversation people look for connection and shared experience in order to bond.

I wouldn't take it personally, I would highly doubt she is trying to minimise the trauma you have experienced or the difficulties you have faced.

I think life can be so much easier if you try and take things lightly and not seriously. It is not a competition.

CinematicNightScenes · 17/03/2022 08:14

I make my comments from the reverse scenario. I wasn't able to have children but i have dogs. Often my friends who have children, when talking about them would jokingly ask if I faced the same problems with my dogs. At first this sometimes stung a little, as though they thought I was pretending my dogs were children. That I was a little sad. Over time I realise they were just trying to include me, make me feel part of the conversation, sharing experience - which is what friendship is about.

Your wounds are raw, so feelings are intense but over time you will come to realise no harm was meant and your reaction is about you and not her.

Livpool · 17/03/2022 09:12

YANBU although I had some stupid colleague compare my baby to her hamster cos he kept her awake at night on his wheel. I concluded she was mad 🤷🏼‍♀️

MabelsApron · 17/03/2022 10:45

Christ, is this still going?

Society's deification of motherhood isn't about to end any time soon. Honestly. You're fine. You don't need to be this angry about someone finding it difficult to have a puppy.

The worst and most insensitive comments I've had said to me in my life, as an infertile woman, have come from mothers. I had someone tell me to my face that had she been in my position she'd have rather died than been infertile. I'm frequently told that I don't know what love or responsibility or adulthood is, what life is all about. That what I do could never be as rewarding as what they do.

Once we live in a world where childless/childfree women aren't treated like a secondary category of women, I might have some headspace to deal with someone offhandedly saying that a puppy in the house is similar in some ways to having a baby in the house.

ABitBesotted · 17/03/2022 11:07

I had two miscarriages, a traumatic birth, and a sleepless breastfed baby with acid reflux.

She was still easier than my puppy.

To say that buying a puppy is NOT like having a baby.
CocoLoco123 · 17/03/2022 11:26

YANBU, your friend is a twat. I can see where she's coming from, but you have to know when to say things (clue - not when your friend just had a traumatic birth).

Namechangestimes100 · 17/03/2022 11:49

It’s so fucking awful @MabelsApron, people can be right twats as if motherhood holds the monopoly on love. Sorry you’ve had to hear that.
I have two children now but my first took a little while to conceive (not enough to be deemed infertility though so I’d never Claim to wear that badge), DH and I had been married a while before trying (whopping 2 years, gasp) and the amount of hurtful things said about how I was jealous of friends children because i was unable to conceive (made a mistake sharing with my friends I have pcos), the husband even blamed me for cursing them and my jealousy causing jaundice in their baby, the looks of pity, and the ‘one day …. You’ll be able to have a baby’ and the tears when I did fall pregnant made me feel utterly horrible and that was all from mothers. But on the other side, I recall talking about ttc and having pcos with a younger friend (not married and ttc) and she likened it to waiting to get a puppy and swept away pnd as the same rough settling in period with a dog. Having ‘experienced’ both, I’d say the pnd to getting a puppy is dismissive and hurtful but the pity and the jealousy comments impacted me more, so I’m with you there.

But I don’t OP is saying such a comparison denigration of motherhood more just that because of her experience the comparison is quite reductive. I think she just wanted to feel heard and seen rather than have a comparison made and her struggles made about something else.

Blossomtoes · 17/03/2022 12:03

Oh @MabelsApron, I’m so sorry that people have been such bitches to you.

MabelsApron · 17/03/2022 12:09

@namechangestimes100 I'm very sorry to hear about your experiences, and thank you for your empathy.

I absolutely agree that PND (or indeed any kind of MH issue) shouldn't be compared to getting a puppy, and my apologies if my comment implied that. I also agree that it's important to feel heard and seen, and that OP is right to feel that she hasn't been because her friend tried to compare her experience to something else rather than just hearing her and sympathising.

My comment was more aimed at other posters on the thread who are concerned generally about the denigration of motherhood by comparisons to puppy ownership. But I do come at this with a fair degree of being jaded and angry, and I could have been more temperate in what I said!

onarollSloth · 17/03/2022 17:45

Maybe you should get a puppy then 😂

TheOriginalEmu · 18/03/2022 04:28

@SpaghettiNotCourgetti

I had a lovely colleague who described her much-loved son as eight times the work of her chocolate Labrador, which seemed fair to me, having had both a puppy and a baby in my life at one point or another.

I have also had another colleague tell me that she thinks that having a horse is about the same amount of work as having a baby, which did make me Hmm Because I can just muck out the baby once a day and turn it out into a field in the morning and get it in at night and know it'll be fine with a rug and some hay...

Have you ever owned a horse? Because it’s far harder than that, it’s also a relentless daily thing. My horse just died aged 36. That’s 36 years of daily mucking out, making feeds, making beds, turning out, bringing in, rugging, unrugging, fetching water. And those are just the basics. It’s really hard work.
autienotnaughty · 18/03/2022 04:48

I've had three kids and a puppy I'd say my ds was the hardest followed by puppy, followed by two dd's. I'd say it depends on the child as the dog. My ds is now six and way easier than the puppy.

implantreplace · 18/03/2022 06:15

Having a puppy must feel like harder work than it actually is, because surely your love for a puppy doesn’t remotely compare for your love for your baby

XelaM · 18/03/2022 06:56

@implantreplace
"Having a puppy must feel like harder work than it actually is, because surely your love for a puppy doesn’t remotely compare for your love for your baby"

Actually (as many posters who have had both have said on this thread) it really can and does compare 🥰 my puppy is like my second baby. When I take him to his doggie daycare I honestly fee like I am taking my daughter to nursery and I worry that he has a nice day and no one is mean to him Blush

autienotnaughty · 18/03/2022 06:59

@implantreplace

Having a puppy must feel like harder work than it actually is, because surely your love for a puppy doesn’t remotely compare for your love for your baby
I think it can be harder work precisely because it's a different love
implantreplace · 18/03/2022 07:01

Of all the rings I read on mumsnet

There is no thing that I relate to less than the idea that I could love a pet even remotely as much as I love my children.

And we all that given what we read on mumsnet… that says a lot!

HikingforScenery · 18/03/2022 07:06

Even the fact that there’s no nappy changing is a big deal. You don’t have extra clothes to wash, you don’t need a million baby equipment to leave the house ( yes I breastfed). People who say that are ridiculous. I make my excuses and leave when colleagues get a new puppy and want to tell me about all the ways in which it’s like hashing a child.

Original poster
annoyedfr · 18/03/2022 07:36

Blymie, this grew legs.

A shout out for the deliberately venomous posters who have been cruel for the sake of being cruel, nice one.

I'm not going to reply to everything as I would be here forever, but a few key questions which came up: yes I have had a dog, no friend is not TTC/infertile (and openly says she does not want kids but of course I don't know the truth or depth of that) and no I am not 'a self obsessed psycho'.

I think my post has been misinterpreted by some as 'caring for a baby' is harder than 'caring for a puppy' which wasn't what I was getting at. They're both incontinent and needy, I get that.

I am in the process of starting to deal with my trauma and thank you for those with compassionate answers, explanations, suggestions and alternate view points.

OP posts:
StickyStickyStickStickSong · 18/03/2022 07:43

I have a baby, 2yr old dog and 1yr old dog and I must say dogs are harder work sometimes

VeganSeason · 18/03/2022 08:44

Having a puppy must feel like harder work than it actually is, because surely your love for a puppy doesn’t remotely compare for your love for your baby

It’s the same feeling of love for my children as my dogs.

Mickarooni · 18/03/2022 09:42

Surely it’s just a jokey way of trying to relate to you and be a good friend. The basics of caring for a puppy and a newborn are similar - not much sleep and a lot of poop! Most people know it’s not comparative really but she’s probably trying to find common ground.

TrippinEdBalls · 18/03/2022 09:45

@VeganSeason

Having a puppy must feel like harder work than it actually is, because surely your love for a puppy doesn’t remotely compare for your love for your baby

It’s the same feeling of love for my children as my dogs.

It isn't, though is it? You're seriously saying that if you were told one of your children would live for 10-13 years you'd feel the same about that as you do about the same fact about your dog?
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