Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

To be annoyed with vegan friend

171 replies

WheresTheJustice2 · 15/03/2022 21:09

I tend to be sympathetic to her and order meat free dishes when we’re out together.

However we were recently at a wedding together and I hadn’t ticked the vegan dietary request on the invitation so was served the meat dish.

All throughout the meal, my friend kept commenting about my meal saying things like “I don’t know how you can eat that. Even just looking at it makes me want to throw up.”

I just kept eating and told her I forgot to tick the vegan request. But she kept on and on until I snapped and told her that I respected her choice to be vegan but I wasn’t.

Was I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Itwasntmeright · 15/03/2022 22:15

YABU you should have ordered a packet of pork scratchings from the bar for pudding.

Vegans can eat what they like, and so can meat eaters. I’d have told her to piss off.

Blanketpolicy · 15/03/2022 22:15

You are at a wedding, at a table with a few wedding guests, eating and she is talking about throwing up. Nice.

I would have a frank word with her about while she might think her diet choices make her morally superior they appear to have turned her into an arsehole instead.

Regardless of any diet choice you don't look at someone else's food that they are going to eat and say it is looks vomit inducing.

NandorTheRelentlessCleaner · 15/03/2022 22:15

I think you were silly to play along with her vegan power games for so long

Since when does a friend get to dictate what another friend eats?

Do you generally find it hard to find your boundaries in a relationship?

You accommodating this, and then REINFORCING this dynamic by explaining you erroneously ticked the wrong box (instead just telling her to mind her own business) just all shows how controlling she is of you

Yes she may be sensitive and lovely, but she sure as heck is manipulative and controlling

Viviennemary · 15/03/2022 22:17

That is extremely rude of your friend. I would make sure I never went out with her or sat next to her during a meal ever again. In fact I would dump her altogether. How dare she spoil your meal.

BadNomad · 15/03/2022 22:18

@WheresTheJustice2

Then why don't you feel comfortable enough with her to choose what you actually fancy eating.

Because I know it will upset her and she will think I’m being insensitive and less of a friend knowing how she feels about meat.

Then she's ridiculous. You're not asking her to eat it. You eating meat has no impact on her veganism but her veganism is controlling you. How is that ok?

Thewindwhispers · 15/03/2022 22:18

Yanbu OP. Your friend sounds very rude. Even if it upset her, whatever happened to politely managing one’s own issues without spoiling the meal for other people? But I don’t believe it genuinely upset her, presumably you weren’t the only person at the table with a meat dish and she knew it wasn’t a vegan wedding.

She sounds like a crap friend. She thinks she’s better than you and therefore gets to tell you off about your choices.

AngelinaFibres · 15/03/2022 22:19

[quote WheresTheJustice2]@BiscuitLover3678

That’s really interesting. Do you really not mind if your closest friends eat steak around you? My friend would never say anything to anyone else I reckon. It’s just that we’ve known each other forever and are very close friends and so I think she is more honest with me than she would be with acquaintances.[/quote]
Nope, she knows she can passively aggressively stop you eating what you actually want to eat. Presumably anyone else she knows less well would just laugh.....and order the mixed grill

latetothefisting · 15/03/2022 22:19

YABU to be such a pushover. I have a family member, and several close friends who are vegan. I wouldn't dream of not ordering meat if that's what I fancied if we were eating together, and if they were rude enough to say anything I'd be giving them short shrift, but they wouldn't be, because they're not dicks. In exactly the same way as when I've been to their all vegan wedding/they've cooked for me I've never said anything other than how nice it is, and have never said anything negative about their food even if it's not all to my taste (unless they say something about the smell of vegan cheese first - I must admit I then agreed!). It's just being polite.

So yes I would absolutely order a steak if I fancied it, and if they said anything about it I'd tell them they were being rude and if it upset them better we not eat together in the future.

I'm sure you weren't the only person in the wedding, or even on the table with the non-vegan option, so she could obviously contain herself from insulting everyone else. If she really was your friend she should be nicer to you than to randoms, not ruder!

godmum56 · 15/03/2022 22:20

I am amazed that you ever bothered to let her control what you eat.

Patienceisntvirtuous · 15/03/2022 22:21

Yanbu
I'm vegan and I'd never do this. I think you've been very considerate in ordering plant based meals around her too. She's become accustomed to it.
Corroborative of a PP however, I've had plenty of meat eaters do this to me with my food in restaurants or whatever 'eew that looks disgusting!' 'Where's the meat?!' "Ugh! I could never eat that!!' Etc etc. Some people are just sad and that's how they keep themselves entertained and they think it makes them look good. Lifestyle choices aren't reflective of that.

PyongyangKipperbang · 15/03/2022 22:22

There is a difference between "You should have gone for the veggie option, its lovely!" and "OMG I want to vomit looking at your food".

Its all about her isnt it? You can accomodate her prefences but she cant respect yours the ONE time you actually order your preferred choice.

I agree that its controlling. She does what she wants and you do ..... what she wants. And yes she is an asshole if she is being a perfomance vegan. I know many people with alternative diets, either due to choice or medical issues (my wedding was fun to plan, I think the catering manager thought I was taking the piss when I mentioned the guest who was allergic to anything green! [Chlorophyll allergy if anyone wants to know]) and none of them make a fuss, but one. She is the reason why there is the stereotype behind vegans......How do you know if your friend is Vegan? Dont worry they will soon fucking tell you. Its really all she talks about, and even our vegan friends are sick of her as she gives them all a bad name (well her and Romesh Ranganathan who cant seem to get through any interview or show without mentioning it).

she would do this at a wedding, I am sure of it and it is losing her friends.

Rupertgrintismyguiltypleasure · 15/03/2022 22:22

Not sure why your being sympathetic to her when out. It’s her choice to be vegan as is your choice to eat meat. She shouldn’t be commenting, but unfortunately not much you can short of not going out to eat with her, best thing would to be to just ignore her comments, throw some shade at her choices or don’t go out to eat with her unless she stops commenting on your food.

blacksax · 15/03/2022 22:23

[quote WheresTheJustice2]@NurseBernard

That’s not what the thread is about. I’m not vegan bashing in the slightest. I’m trying to figure out if it’s reasonable to eat meat in front of my friend because she is very sensitive and it’s not a big sacrifice for me not to eat meat whereas for her it’s a much bigger deal.[/quote]
Sensitive or not, it was really rude and bad manners for her to keep going on and on about it, especially after you explained.

Next time you meet up, tell her you think the perfume she's wearing is disgusting, and the smell of it makes you want to throw up. See how she likes it.

Saltyquiche · 15/03/2022 22:23

Eat what you’d personally prefer to eat when with her, eating her choice of food is daft

Peachy7 · 15/03/2022 22:24

@WheresTheJustice2

Then why don't you feel comfortable enough with her to choose what you actually fancy eating.

Because I know it will upset her and she will think I’m being insensitive and less of a friend knowing how she feels about meat.

You've just said it yourself, how SHE feels about meat, not you. Do real friends really get like that?! Over something so petty?!

Saltyquiche · 15/03/2022 22:25

It’s not sympathetic to be vegan while with her,

Mariposista · 15/03/2022 22:26

Oh she is pathetic - you're not unreasonable at all. If she wants to limit her diet to the extreme, her problem, but she shouldn't force her abnormal habits and opinions on others.

Butchyrestingface · 15/03/2022 22:27

You were unreasonable to pander to the silly mare in the first place. Although I get it, I'd probably have done the same myself. But now you know - she's one of those people you give an inch, and she take a thousand fucking miles.

Start ordering steaks galore and tell her you don't want to hear a peep from her.

OMG12 · 15/03/2022 22:30

I’m vegan, and I find the smell of meat and fish stomach churning so always glad when people found me a meat free.

But that’s my problem not anyone else’s. You were not being unreasonable to eat what you ordered (and presumably wanted to eat).

Original poster

WheresTheJustice2 · 15/03/2022 22:32

Gosh I’m truly surprised that so many people think it’s controlling, rude etc. I honestly thought I was being a good friend by choosing to go meat free around her. It’s making me think about all the other things that I do to accommodate her, like meeting up closer to her house than mine because I drive and she doesn’t when actually it’s only a few stops further on public transport to meet halfway. Maybe I am a bit of a pushover

OP posts:

JudgeRindersMinder · 15/03/2022 22:32

@ThinWomansBrain

if you bother to eat out with her again, go for a juicy rare steak with chips

Never mind rare, I’d be having it blue

JollyAndBright · 15/03/2022 22:33

Life long vegan here.

Your friend is an arsehole.

Eat what you want, if she’s too ‘sensitive’ that people eating meat upsets her she shouldn’t eat out.
I would love for everyone to be more environmentally and animal welfare aware and eat more plant based meals,
but I would never dictate to or guilt trip anyone about their food choices, it’s none of my business.

OMG12 · 15/03/2022 22:33

On the flip side I wish meat eaters would leave me to enjoy my food without constant derogatory/pitying remarks

Jellybean23 · 15/03/2022 22:34

[quote WheresTheJustice2]@PurpleDaisies

I think she just feels really comfortable with me and doesn’t have the same filter that she would with other people.

I doubt if anyone else heard because she said it quietly, almost to herself really[/quote]
I think it more likely that as you are compliant and submissive on this point, she feels able to say such things. It's not a good thing. Stand up for yourself and she will back off. Be submissive and she'll end up walking all over you.
Her 'holier than thou' attitude would get right up my nose. She shouldn't have said what she did to you.

Womencanlift · 15/03/2022 22:35

YANBU to eat meat at the wedding if that is what you wanted to eat

YABU to put up with a controlling and sanctimonious “friend” for so long. Stop being a pushover.

And like a pp said I would definitely be ordering a steak the next time I was with her if I was you.

You say she isn’t bad but anyone who comments on what anyone else is eating really needs to mind their own business

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Swipe left for the next trending thread