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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed with vegan friend

171 replies

WheresTheJustice2 · 15/03/2022 21:09

I tend to be sympathetic to her and order meat free dishes when we’re out together.

However we were recently at a wedding together and I hadn’t ticked the vegan dietary request on the invitation so was served the meat dish.

All throughout the meal, my friend kept commenting about my meal saying things like “I don’t know how you can eat that. Even just looking at it makes me want to throw up.”

I just kept eating and told her I forgot to tick the vegan request. But she kept on and on until I snapped and told her that I respected her choice to be vegan but I wasn’t.

Was I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
grapewines · 15/03/2022 21:48

You shouldn't have been so accomodating in the first place. She can pipe down.

venusmay · 15/03/2022 21:48

Explain to her the importance of neat in our diet, humans were meant to be omnivores. When she complains about being lectured then she'll know how you feel.

A few of my vegan friends nake their dcs become vegans too and some of the children have lost their adult teeth due to dietary deficiencies.

venusmay · 15/03/2022 21:48

*meat not neat!!!

nearlyspringyay · 15/03/2022 21:49

Why would you have to adjust your diet around hers? That's bonkers.

theresAtablet4thatNow · 15/03/2022 21:50

Eat what you want from now on. If she doesn't like it, you can stop eating together or stop seeing one another entirely. I wouldn't feel like putting in the work of maintaining a friendship with someone who would be so rude and immature. She behaved like an ill-mannered child.

Original poster
WheresTheJustice2 · 15/03/2022 21:52

She’s really not an asshole or lecturing. I don’t want to paint her like that because she really really isn’t. I think those who are saying I let it get this far by being overly accommodating are right. It’s just a hard dynamic to break after so long.

OP posts:
Fixyourself · 15/03/2022 21:53

YABU to have let it go on this long! Stop pandering to her and eat what you want!

PurpleDaisies · 15/03/2022 21:56

@WheresTheJustice2

She’s really not an asshole or lecturing. I don’t want to paint her like that because she really really isn’t. I think those who are saying I let it get this far by being overly accommodating are right. It’s just a hard dynamic to break after so long.
So how would you characterise her repeatedly going on about how disgusting your food is if it isn’t lecturing or being an arsehole?

What did the other guests on the table say?

I’ve never come across any vegan who tries to dictate what everyone else orders for their dinner. She was totally out of order.

Original poster
WheresTheJustice2 · 15/03/2022 21:59

@PurpleDaisies

I think she just feels really comfortable with me and doesn’t have the same filter that she would with other people.

I doubt if anyone else heard because she said it quietly, almost to herself really

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 15/03/2022 22:01

I think she just feels really comfortable with me and doesn’t have the same filter that she would with other people.

How many more excuses are you going to make for her bullying behaviour?

LennyAndTheDucks · 15/03/2022 22:02

Cool story bro.

LennyAndTheDucks · 15/03/2022 22:02

@venusmay

Explain to her the importance of neat in our diet, humans were meant to be omnivores. When she complains about being lectured then she'll know how you feel.

A few of my vegan friends nake their dcs become vegans too and some of the children have lost their adult teeth due to dietary deficiencies.

Peachy7 · 15/03/2022 22:04

She chooses to be vegan, you choose not to be. Luckily we're all able to make our own choices in life, and if I'm paying to eat out somewhere (I appreciate this was a wedding, but you also said when you go out) then I'm going to eat what I bloody well want to!
She's unreasonable expecting you to do what she wants.

CBFA · 15/03/2022 22:05

I'm vegan and I wouldnt have commented on your food

LaurenKelsey · 15/03/2022 22:05

I have several vegan/vegetarian friends who handle things the right way, IME. They go about their business, make their choices quietly and let others do the same. From now on, choose whatever you want to eat. Tell her where she can put her holier-than-thou attitude.

donquixotedelamancha · 15/03/2022 22:05

All these threads do is invite people to come on and flail about at the profound unreasonableness of the vegan in question.

This. It's not acceptable to be negative about someone if they are vegan.

Pbjontoast · 15/03/2022 22:05

You're repeatedly making excuses for her OP.

You may think she's a lovely friend in every other way, but the fact is that you consistently change your behaviour to appease her and she's been unbelievably rude to you.

Don't let her walk all over you. Being vegan doesn't give her the moral high ground despite what she thinks.

AngelinaFibres · 15/03/2022 22:06

@WheresTheJustice2

Sorry I forgot to add my AIBU which is that I told her that I respected her choice to be vegan but I wasn’t. However I always try to eat meat free around her but I resented being pressured. She got huffy and said that she wasn’t trying to make me vegan and that she was just saying that she couldn’t understand how I could eat meat that’s all.

AIBU to not want to be sympathetic anymore and just eat whatever I want around her from now on?

My DIL is vegan. If we eat out we always go somewhere where there are vegan options, but she would never expect anyone else to have the vegan dish, unless they actually wanted it. My son (her husband) might have an enormous burger or a medium steak or a vegan option. It is ridiculous of your friend to expect you to bow to her choices and it us equally ridiculous that you cannot choose what ever the hell you want.
AngelinaFibres · 15/03/2022 22:08

@PurpleDaisies

I think she just feels really comfortable with me and doesn’t have the same filter that she would with other people.

How many more excuses are you going to make for her bullying behaviour?

Then why don't you feel comfortable enough with her to choose what you actually fancy eating.
CBFA · 15/03/2022 22:08

But threads like this are a red flag to the paranoid anti&vegan and delighting in tearing it down 'I have one friend who represents all of vegankind' brigade :-)

BeagleBeagled · 15/03/2022 22:11

Your poor friend, imagine if she reads this.

MrsPnut · 15/03/2022 22:12

My DH was vegan when we met and has been vegetarian for most of our lives together.
He would never comment on what I eat - I do like my meat rare and he gets on with his own life.

Original poster
WheresTheJustice2 · 15/03/2022 22:12

Then why don't you feel comfortable enough with her to choose what you actually fancy eating.

Because I know it will upset her and she will think I’m being insensitive and less of a friend knowing how she feels about meat.

OP posts:
AngelinaFibres · 15/03/2022 22:13

[quote WheresTheJustice2]@NaomhPadraigin would you really though?

I don’t think I could ever do that.[/quote]
You are eating out
You are paying your hard earned cash for your food
You are an adult.
You can eat whatever you wish. If it offends her delicate sensibilities then its time for new friends....for both of you.

Lifeisforalimitedperiodonly · 15/03/2022 22:14

@WheresTheJustice2

I tend to be sympathetic to her and order meat free dishes when we’re out together.

However we were recently at a wedding together and I hadn’t ticked the vegan dietary request on the invitation so was served the meat dish.

All throughout the meal, my friend kept commenting about my meal saying things like “I don’t know how you can eat that. Even just looking at it makes me want to throw up.”

I just kept eating and told her I forgot to tick the vegan request. But she kept on and on until I snapped and told her that I respected her choice to be vegan but I wasn’t.

Was I being unreasonable?

I am afraid my answer would have been "Well don't look at it then".

Were you on a table for two??? Surely others on the table were eating meat?

I am vegetarian. My DD is vegan, primarily because she is dairy intolerant. I cook meat for my DH and DS. I don't inflict my views onto others. The only things I would not serve up would be veal (I dont agree with how it is farmed) and also fois gras because it's absolutely disgusting how it is produced. But I wouldn't serve those myself, I still would not comment and attempt to make others feel bad for their choices.

Your friend is no friend.

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