Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask who should pay?

166 replies

howtomoveforwards · 15/03/2022 18:10

I have a son who lives most of his time with his dad - this is a recent thing. He lived with me full time prior to this, with EOW at dad’s. Dad’s girlfriend’s’ daughter has sat on his glasses and broken them. This happened a week ago now. Nothing has been said to me and no one has taken son to look at either fixing them or getting a new pair. Son needs the glasses sooner rather than later - he can manage but he really does need them in school.

I have told son I will sort it one way or another at the weekend - my job is such that I finish after the optician closes or I would have taken him during the week. I pay no maintenance to ex for this child but ex equally pays nothing for the other child that lives with me (and never has paid).

Should it be me who does this and who should be paying?

OP posts:
Dawnofthefed · 15/03/2022 20:50

Poor little boy

Crunchymum · 15/03/2022 20:52

Your further posts have explained the situation a bit more (in terms of useless / feckless ex) but it really isn't far that you want to use the broken glasses to make a point. Even if you do have very valid reasons.

Crunchymum · 15/03/2022 20:52

Fair*

AngelinaFibres · 15/03/2022 21:12

Get them mended or replaced. If replaced, then use the voucher and pay the difference. Presumably it isn't a huge amount. Remind your son to look after his stuff. He will remember who is reliable and who isn't. He needs them for school. Your ex won't pay. It's not worth the fight.

Calmdown14 · 15/03/2022 21:27

OP it doesn't sound like this is really about the glasses.
How are you feeling about him moving in with his dad? What prompted it?
Sounds like you are the bad guy but also the one who has to do all of the sorting hence why your tone sounds rather angry? I imagine it's a situation with lots to be angry about?

You probably need to find an outlet to take this out, count to ten and try and see the bigger picture.
One day he'll see and understand what you do for him but maybe you'll need to stop it temporarily for that to sink in

Annette32123 · 15/03/2022 21:28

If ex is self employed why can’t he pop out during the working week and sort a replacement pair with the optician? He has that flexibility if he works for himself. It’s Tuesday. Why would op try and sort it next weekend when he can sort it now? I’d just text him and say he needs to pop to x opticians (if he doesn’t know who has DS records) and order another pair to replace the ones his DSD broke. Nothing to do with Op - she didn’t break them, she wasn’t responsible for the person who did break them and she has work during the week…..!

Annette32123 · 15/03/2022 21:29

And if DS has chosen to live with dad, then he will need to get used to dads organisational skills, or lack thereof……

Bryonny84 · 15/03/2022 21:31

Why is this even a post? Buy your son new glasses. It's not about scoring points with your ex. Your boy needs to see. Sort it.

Annette32123 · 15/03/2022 21:47

Also depends how bad his eyesight is - if he’s in danger of being knocked over crossing the road it’s urgent but if it just means not sitting at the back of the class at school, it’ll wait for a few days.

Rosebel · 15/03/2022 21:50

I think people are piling on because you sound so angry and keep referring to your son as this child, not my child or my son. It sounds really detached.
Absolutely dad should have paid and he should be paying for everything else as well given you are paying everything for your other child.
Just tell dad he's now responsible for paying but you sound angry with your child and I hope that's not the case.

BadNomad · 15/03/2022 22:10

Father should be sorting and paying for it. He's the primary caregiver now and it happened on his watch. Your son needs to realise this too.

Selttan · 16/03/2022 01:29

I would sort the glasses and then stop paying for any other extras and tell your X that as you have a child each living primarily with each you will pay for the child living with you and he will need to pay for the child living primarily with him.

Jamboree01 · 16/03/2022 01:41

The voucher will cover some/ all of the cost depending on the frames and any extras needed such as lens thinning etc. i would say getting the glasses is the priority at the minute. The rest will work out in time. He is still a child and a pair of glasses are not an ‘extra’- if he has been prescribed them, he needs them… one way or another.

Jamboree01 · 16/03/2022 01:47

@Selttan

I would sort the glasses and then stop paying for any other extras and tell your X that as you have a child each living primarily with each you will pay for the child living with you and he will need to pay for the child living primarily with him.
Children under the age of 16 get an NHS voucher for glasses. Other charges are made for frames outside of the voucher selection or extra thinning etc. If a child has been prescribed glasses, and they break, they need to be replaced. This is not a point to argue over- it’s not a phone, or a pair of trainers… they are a necessity.
Jamboree01 · 16/03/2022 01:52

All children’s glasses can be repaired under nhs voucher- not insurance. You can take the glasses to any opticians and they are required to repair or replace. If you go to a different opticians, you will need a copy of the voucher.

(Unless they got two at the same time- then only the first pair… depending on the voucher type which is issued according to need. Some vouchers will cover two pairs).

user123654 · 16/03/2022 02:54

Goodness some people on this thread have been so nasty!

OP I agree with you this isn't a problem of your doing. I would text the father and say 'ds told me their glasses are still broken are you able to get repaired this weekend I would but I've got plans and I don't want ds going without them for much longer as he needs them. Thanks.'

Tell the father (in a pleasant way) to sort at least you can show ds you told him to sort and you were nice about it.

ChiselandBits · 16/03/2022 06:51

'I would but I've got plans' is a terrible idea. It says 'I know is important and my job but I'm not doing it'. It's not the OPs job. As I've said upthread to all the 'poor little boy' comments.. The op will get them done, just as I always end up doing everything because ex always claims he can't fit it in / get an appointment / has different plans. However, I would, in the OPs instance, after the fact, send an email about how to deal with such things in future rather than waiting for the next issue and try to get some ground rules. When Co or parallel parenting, it's a totally different dynamic than some on here I suspect hae any experience of.

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 16/03/2022 07:42

Did your son leave his glasses on the sofa/ chair/ floor? if so, he needs to be more responsible and I'd honestly be getting him to pay (at least some) himself if he has any funds. If they were on a table then yes the dad should sort it out.

Quincythequince · 16/03/2022 09:04

@Whatiswrongwithmyknee

Did your son leave his glasses on the sofa/ chair/ floor? if so, he needs to be more responsible and I'd honestly be getting him to pay (at least some) himself if he has any funds. If they were on a table then yes the dad should sort it out.
🤦🏼‍♀️ He’s 13 FGS.

A child.

Yes, he should be more careful but unless he regularly breaks his glasses, accidents happen.

I can’t believe you hat there is even a debate about replacing them - but the kid some damn glasses or that he should pay for glasses so he can see properly

Jesus Christ there are some real witches on here!

Quincythequince · 16/03/2022 09:05

Believe *that

buy the kid

(That should have said)

Brefugee · 16/03/2022 09:27

This thread is mindboggling. Yet another free pass for a dad who does nothing and criticism for the parent who pays for everything even though her son doesn't live with her and apparently doesn't want to.

And frankly? the parent of the child who broke the glasses should pay. But that doesn't help the child who needs glasses. Such a low bar for men, such unattainable goals for women.

Am thankful that where i live people have third party insurance for their children which would cover the glasses.

OP, sorry, you're probably going to have to suck it up. I guess there are no spare glasses for your son? I'd be getting the cheapest possible frames to replace them, and a cheap spare pair for future. It looks as though it's going to be a struggle but it is worth it to maintain a relationship with your son during a difficult time.

Quincythequince · 16/03/2022 09:42

Brefugee glasses are free for children on the NHS. It doesn’t have to cost the OP anything to get him a new pair. Not a penny. Just her time/

Nobody has defended the dad, hems clearly a useless dick.

But let’s make the kid suffer shall we?

‘Your dad’s a dick and should be doing this, so no new glasses until he gets you some’

Ok then 🙄

Quartz2208 · 16/03/2022 10:28

@Quincythequince glasses are not free on the NHS. The NHS pays a certain amount towards then - an amount that will cover the most basic frames and basic lens that you can offer. Usually on frames that if you have a teenage girl (like I do) the idea of wearing is abhorrent. Having grown up having to wear the NHS frames that were around at the time I agree

OP your son will need to be there as well though - and yes it should be the resident parent responsibility

Quincythequince · 16/03/2022 10:40

quartz You are wrongz

I have three children, all of whom wear glasses.

An NHS voucher (A or B - depending on how bad your Vision is) will cover the cost of lenses and frames for children.

You may not like the frames, but you pay nothing towards sight prescription for basic glasses for children.

The NHS frames today look fine. I have one some who picks the Cheapest ones (his choice, he can’t be arsed) and one who prefers for me to pay a bit towards them.

I have procured around 40 pairs of glasses now for my kids - I know what I’m talking about.

Quincythequince · 16/03/2022 10:40

one *son

Swipe left for the next trending thread