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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask who should pay?

166 replies

howtomoveforwards · 15/03/2022 18:10

I have a son who lives most of his time with his dad - this is a recent thing. He lived with me full time prior to this, with EOW at dad’s. Dad’s girlfriend’s’ daughter has sat on his glasses and broken them. This happened a week ago now. Nothing has been said to me and no one has taken son to look at either fixing them or getting a new pair. Son needs the glasses sooner rather than later - he can manage but he really does need them in school.

I have told son I will sort it one way or another at the weekend - my job is such that I finish after the optician closes or I would have taken him during the week. I pay no maintenance to ex for this child but ex equally pays nothing for the other child that lives with me (and never has paid).

Should it be me who does this and who should be paying?

OP posts:
HeckyPeck · 15/03/2022 19:04

@AccidentalMindFuck

You’re his mother and you pay nothing toward him. If this was a man writing this you’d have been torn a new one. Pay for the glasses for your son!
Not really given than one child lives with OP and the other with their Dad so no one pays maintenance.
tempester28 · 15/03/2022 19:05

One of you has to pay above the NHS voucher. It depends how bad his eyesight is, but if it was my son there would be little point in him going to school without glasses as his sight is so bad. In the past, I have had to make an emergency appointment for broken glasses. As it is while under you ex supervision they have broken I would say that it is his responsibility but personally, if he isn't dealing with it I would

Theunamedcat · 15/03/2022 19:07

Yes dad should have sorted them by now he is fucking lazy and neglectful not to have done this

Dancingonarainbow · 15/03/2022 19:07

@Theunamedcat

Yes dad should have sorted them by now he is fucking lazy and neglectful not to have done this
Exactly this !
WutheringHeights66 · 15/03/2022 19:11

I can’t get over dad and SM not automatically replacing them. It’s his child FFS too that was under his care at the time and I would imagine if you had stood on them you wouldn’t look for him to pay?

I wouldn’t leave my child with a sight impairment but what is dad and his wife doing about it since they broke them?

Common sense says if someone breaks the property of someone else they repair or replace surely?

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 15/03/2022 19:12

So 1 dc at each parent's home and no cm exchanged? Then surely that dp pays for the dc +expenses of who lives there.... Makes things much simpler...

Crunchymum · 15/03/2022 19:12

I assume there is some kind of backstory but you seem angry that "this child" now lives with his dad full time.

It's glasses, your DC needs them, don't let him suffer for whatever else is going on here.

Blossom64265 · 15/03/2022 19:14

Medical expenses should be 50:50 or in proportion to income If incomes are hugely disparate and both parents work full time. (If one works part time it depends on why they work part time. )

PonyPatter44 · 15/03/2022 19:18

He lives with his dad, of course his dad should pay. However, given that his dad is lazy and neglectful, and your kid needs his glasses, it would be best for you to do it. However I would not be buying his fancy frames as he can't take care of them. He can have standard NHS frames for now.

BOOTS52 · 15/03/2022 19:24

Meant to add it is handy if have a dryer {have yet to buy one for new place} for putting towels, bedding in for 10 minutes after they have been on clothes horse as it makes them nice and soft and fresher.

BOOTS52 · 15/03/2022 19:25

ooops sorry posted on wrong thread

Hesma · 15/03/2022 19:26

I think you need to put you child before petty who’s in the right spat with ex. Either ask him to fix or do yourself.

BOOTS52 · 15/03/2022 19:26

The dad should pay for them as they were broken over at his house and how he let his son go without any glasses is just not right. Why don't you both go halves on them instead.

Original poster
howtomoveforwards · 15/03/2022 19:30

You’re his mother and you pay nothing toward him

Nothing? I have paid everything for him for the last 13 years. Ex has paid fuck all. I am still paying for school dinners, his phone, extra curricula activities, school uniform, shoes. I paid for the glasses that have been broken. I have an additional child I have paid everything for for the last 13 years. At what point does he take some actual responsibility for the child who is choosing to live with him? Why are all that child’s cost still my responsibility to pay?

OP posts:
ChiselandBits · 15/03/2022 19:32

OP I totally get it and ignore all the "its your CHILD, pay for them". You already have said you will, and find the time and all the rest of it, because of course you will, because that's what we do and exes know that which is why they leave it all to us. Its perfectly ok that no maintenance is paid as you have 1 child each so outwith any abnormal expenses like big trips or braces or something, it evens out. I can't believe the girlfriend isn't stumping up at least part of it as she broke them. As for time, what would your kids say if you respnded to their "Dad and gf are busy" with "well so am I - why is that different?" And wait for a response. Ask them to answer it. Why is he allowed to be busy and you're not? 13 is old enough to start being made aware, if they aren't already of who has their back and who doesn't. They know you'll sort it, because you always do, but that doesn't mean you can't start outlining the issues.

Original poster
howtomoveforwards · 15/03/2022 19:33

Why didn't you address it with their father without telling your son that you resent sorting him new glasses?

Haven’t said anything to son with glasses. Asked other son if he was aware of any reason that it hadn’t been sorted.

maybe that's why he doesn't live with you anymore because you stopped being a mother!

What utter drivel. Maybe actually read my posts before putting shite like that, love.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 15/03/2022 19:37

@howtomoveforwards

You’re his mother and you pay nothing toward him

Nothing? I have paid everything for him for the last 13 years. Ex has paid fuck all. I am still paying for school dinners, his phone, extra curricula activities, school uniform, shoes. I paid for the glasses that have been broken. I have an additional child I have paid everything for for the last 13 years. At what point does he take some actual responsibility for the child who is choosing to live with him? Why are all that child’s cost still my responsibility to pay?

Ummm maybe stop? Tell your ex as of (give him say a weeks notice) I won't be paying for xyz as ds now lives with you
hangrylady · 15/03/2022 19:38

Are the glasses insured. Specsavers kids glasses are so if they break they replace them free of charge. Check with the opticians.

IstayedForTheFeminism · 15/03/2022 19:40

@Theunamedcat

Yes dad should have sorted them by now he is fucking lazy and neglectful not to have done this
Too fucking right.

Would people be claiming dad should sort them if the child lived with Mum? Highly doubt it. Ffs.

AccidentalMindFuck · 15/03/2022 19:42

I think I’m on a different MN to everyone else??? Just imagine OP was the father. How the responses would be soooo different.

MacaroniBaloney · 15/03/2022 19:44

Have you mentioned this to your ex. I can feel the fury coming through in your responses.

13 or not, you need to speak to your ex about this not via your children.

Original poster
howtomoveforwards · 15/03/2022 19:45

Ummm maybe stop? Tell your ex as of (give him say a weeks notice) I won't be paying for xyz as ds now lives with you

Yeah, I am getting to that point. I just don’t want him to go without and frankly, my ex has no clue whatsoever what it costs to bring up a child or what an average teen wants, let alone actually needs. And because whatever I do, the ex will make it my fault and my relationship with this child is hanging by a thread because of the ex’s lies as it is. Lies that amount to he said, she said. Nothing I can disprove. It’s very difficult. I think this has really got my back up because it’s the girlfriend’s child that did it and no attempt at sorting it or even acknowledging it and refusing to pay because he was careless has been made. I will speak to the opticians. Hopefully it will be no cost or low cost.

OP posts:
Original poster
howtomoveforwards · 15/03/2022 19:48

you need to speak to your ex about this not via your children

Maybe he just needs to be a parent and sort the issue? Then I wouldn’t have needed to speak to anyone about anything.

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 15/03/2022 19:49

If he no longer lives with you - why are you paying all his expenses? Surely dinner money, clothes etc should come from his dad on his dad's time? If there is no maintenance paid as you have 1 child each (Appreciate this was different previously) then surely you should be paying the expenses only of the child that lives with you?

Original poster
howtomoveforwards · 15/03/2022 19:51

surely you should be paying the expenses only of the child that lives with you?

You’re being far too logical.

OP posts:
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