Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask who should pay?

166 replies

howtomoveforwards · 15/03/2022 18:10

I have a son who lives most of his time with his dad - this is a recent thing. He lived with me full time prior to this, with EOW at dad’s. Dad’s girlfriend’s’ daughter has sat on his glasses and broken them. This happened a week ago now. Nothing has been said to me and no one has taken son to look at either fixing them or getting a new pair. Son needs the glasses sooner rather than later - he can manage but he really does need them in school.

I have told son I will sort it one way or another at the weekend - my job is such that I finish after the optician closes or I would have taken him during the week. I pay no maintenance to ex for this child but ex equally pays nothing for the other child that lives with me (and never has paid).

Should it be me who does this and who should be paying?

OP posts:
KylieCharlene · 15/03/2022 19:54

Dad should be paying/sorting it out and if I was the girlfriend I would be offering to pay the difference if the glasses he chose weren't the free ones.

AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair · 15/03/2022 19:54

This thread is mad, if a chld lived with the mother and her partners child broke the glasses no one would be suggesting that the dad had anything to do with getting them fixed

I totally understand your frustration OP

LoopyDream · 15/03/2022 20:01

Just get them on select specs for £6. Job done

Junipercrumble · 15/03/2022 20:03

OP, I get this.
It's not that you begrudge your DS glasses, or even paying for them really.
You probably feel like XP is taking the piss out of you, and takes it for granted that you will sort it out.
That would make my blood boil too.
Can I ask why XP wants DS living with him when he still doesnt want the responsibility of financially supporting the extras that you are currently funding for DS?
Might it have been easier all round for DS to have remained living with you?
Dont answer if you dont want to.

FWIW, I'd be explaining that I couldn't afford the extras. By continually paying despite your frustrations, you are teaching XP and DS not to take any notice of what you're saying but to still expect you to come up with the goods, because that's what you're doing.
XP knows that denying DS the things he needs makes you feel bad, not him, so for all your attempts to try to explain, please understand, your XP doesnt want to understand how you feel, or whether you can or cant afford it, he just wants you to cough up, and he knows all he has to do is wait for you to feel bad enough to act.

Pretty soon, your DS will begin using the same methods to get what he wants.

For this reason, I would sort the glasses and then withdraw financial support for the extras XP should be sorting.

XP is taking it for granted that you will fix everything and that's where your anger comes from.
If you want that to change, you need to change what you're doing to facilitate that.

Quincythequince · 15/03/2022 20:07

@howtomoveforwards

Yes, poor kid needs them. He lives with his dad. A dad who has had 7 days now to get it sorted but I’m in the wrong?
No, you’re not in the wrong.

But he obviously needs his glasses, just get them fixed.

Should you have to? Maybe not. But should you- yes!

Are you just going to hold off doing it so his dad does - meanwhile the child can’t see.

Really?!

Quincythequince · 15/03/2022 20:08

@AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair

This thread is mad, if a chld lived with the mother and her partners child broke the glasses no one would be suggesting that the dad had anything to do with getting them fixed

I totally understand your frustration OP

Maybe not. But they aren’t being fixed, someone has to. The only person suffering is the child.

As crap as his dad may be, this is really not a battle to pick.

Donra · 15/03/2022 20:09

If a child breaks something the parent of that child should pay. In this case that’s the girlfriend.

Quincythequince · 15/03/2022 20:09

@howtomoveforwards

you need to speak to your ex about this not via your children

Maybe he just needs to be a parent and sort the issue? Then I wouldn’t have needed to speak to anyone about anything.

Yes, he should just start being a proper parent! Of course!

Meanwhile, your son can’t see…

RandomBasic · 15/03/2022 20:12

maybe that's why he doesn't live with you anymore because you stopped being a mother!

Why do people have to go for the jugular all the time ffs

Quincythequince · 15/03/2022 20:14

This child

What an unfortunate way to speak about your own child.

DS, DD or even my child.

Goodness me!

44PumpLane · 15/03/2022 20:16

OP I've only read your posts not everyone else's so apologies if this has been mentioned before, I'm not meaning to "pile on" if it's been mentioned.

At 13 I think your sorn has to take some responsibility for the damage, if someone was able to sit on the glasses it sounds like he has perhaps put them down where they could be sat on.

However given you've said your relationship with this child is hanging in the balance I imagine this isn't something you are going to be hammering home, nor should it be. If he loves with his father full time his father should have raised this issue and then arranged a fix and paid any difference.

You both have one child living with you and therefore should shoulder financial responsibility for that child, clearly you've had a rough deal with no maintenance for 13 years, and you're clearly still paying loads for the child not with you.

It's all a bit shit and you're not unreasonable to be wholly peed off with the whole thing!

LittleOwl153 · 15/03/2022 20:16

I think Junipercrumble has it correct.

However I wouldn't explain that you couldn't afford extras. I'd simply say that dinner money etc will need to come his dad as he lives there now.

What would the maintenance situation look like if his dad did try to claim it? Do you earn more? Is he self employed?

BordelDeMerde · 15/03/2022 20:17

@AccidentalMindFuck

You’re his mother and you pay nothing toward him. If this was a man writing this you’d have been torn a new one. Pay for the glasses for your son!
And her son's father pays nothing for his other child that lives with OP. So evens stevens, no?

Op, if I was you, I would call the Dad to "discuss" it. You shouldn't have to pay, but if your son really needs them and his Dad refuses, you may have to. Hope it doesn't cost too much!

HollowTalk · 15/03/2022 20:20

@AccidentalMindFuck

You’re his mother and you pay nothing toward him. If this was a man writing this you’d have been torn a new one. Pay for the glasses for your son!
That is a really really nasty thing to say to somebody. You should be ashamed of yourself.
Sausagis · 15/03/2022 20:21

Some harsh responses. IMO the dad should sort it (but whether he will is another matter). You say you pay for a lot ("am still paying for school dinners, his phone, extra curricula activities, school uniform, shoes"). Maybe sort the glasses yourself (to help your son and get it sorted promptly) then start arranging to pass over all costs to the father, so you're paying for a child each? The glasses seem more like the final straw than a major problem by themselves?

Lollypop701 · 15/03/2022 20:21

Get the glasses sorted. Ask ds why you have more time than his df, and discuss his answers. Try to lead him to understanding. It might take lots of these situations until he gets it as dad has conditioned him. Tell ds that as he is living with dad and other child with you it’s fair to each pay for one child because housing/costs are same aand so you are telling dad this will start date x. Obviously keep money aside to bail your son out and, when it happens, tell son you will always have his back. Ds will soon see dad is a twat

Original poster
howtomoveforwards · 15/03/2022 20:23

What would the maintenance situation look like if his dad did try to claim it? Do you earn more? Is he self employed?

He is self employed. Hence sod all for 13 years. I am struggling as it is. Will willingly pay maintenance but there will be an impact on the child living with me.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 15/03/2022 20:23

Speak to glasses child say your sorting it this time but next time dad needs too

You need to speak to dad about the lunches and phone

If he is lying to your child about you keep interaction factual, what sort of things is he lying about (you don't have to say)

Theunamedcat · 15/03/2022 20:24

You dont need to pay if its 50/50

BeHappy91818 · 15/03/2022 20:24

@howtomoveforwards

He's your child as well as his dad's

I paid for every fucking thing for said child for 13 years. I paid for the glasses. They were broken by a third party. Why do I have to pay to get them fixed now said child no longer lives with me?

BECAUSE HES YOUR CHILD STILL.

Children are for life.. not just for 13 years !

Ffs. He needs glasses. His dads not going to do it so just do it!

Original poster
howtomoveforwards · 15/03/2022 20:27

Children are for life..not just for 13 years !

Why are you saying that to me, a parent who has paid for everything for 13 years whilst the other parent paid fuck all? I am still paying everything for this child other than the meals he eats at dad’s house. Where does it stop?

Whoever said this is the last straw, I think that’s exactly it.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 15/03/2022 20:34

BECAUSE HES YOUR CHILD STILL.

Children are for life.. not just for 13 years !

Ffs. He needs glasses. His dads not going to do it so just do it!

She has already said she will pay but where does it end? You cannot have the responsibility of a child living with you and NOT FUCKING PAY

He needs to act like an ACTUAL PARENT not A MATE

ghostyslovesheets · 15/03/2022 20:39

assuming you no longer get any child related benefits then I do understand the frustration BUT if dad is going to do bugger all to sort it out then you need to - they may well fix them for free or cheaply - they did when I sat on mine (twice!)

it's crap for you but it's not your sons fault and he needs his glasses

Blacknosugarplease · 15/03/2022 20:47

@AccidentalMindFuck

You’re his mother and you pay nothing toward him. If this was a man writing this you’d have been torn a new one. Pay for the glasses for your son!
But dad doesn’t pay anything for kid who lives with mum- so this sort of balances out the maintenance issue doesn’t it?
ChiselandBits · 15/03/2022 20:49

I really don't think the OP has ever said she won;t sort it - that the basis for her frustration. everyone piling on at her for leaving the child unable to see are clearly not reading her posts. She WILL get them sorted, as parents in our situation always do. THAT is why she is pissed off, because in this scenario it shouldn't be her!!