To expect DH to take shared parental leave if he wants a second child

[FeministBadger]

Over the weekend, DH raised the question of when we'd start trying for a second child. DH wants to start trying sooner and I want a bigger gap particularly as I found maternity leave difficult.

I said I'd be happy to have a smaller gap if DH took shared parental leave which he said wouldn't work with his job. However his company is really generous with SPL and he could get full pay for 6 months even if I'd taken 6 months too so the only problem would be the same issues any woman in his role would face. His solution is we could get a nanny.

This has really annoyed me - I accept DH can't share the pregnancy and birth parts but it seems he doesn't want to do anything that could impact on his career even though he is the one wanting a second kid sooner. Aibu to make him taking SPL a requirement for us ttc?

Then I would say you are going to wait until YOU are ready. It is after, your body that has to go through it. If he really wants a second closer in age, he needs to help more.

YANBU. You've made your position clear and so has he.

Which means that you have the casting vote!

This is a no-brainier…

I think that sounds perfectly reasonable in this context - if he wants the next child sooner he's not really in a position to duck out of the work!

Aside from his claim it wouldn't work with his job, do you know why he's so reluctant? I would be worried he might not really step up, or might use it as an excuse not to share the work for the first six months. I know this sounds as if I'm a right old cynic, but I have seen a friend be absolutely screwed over by her DP when they took shared leave (he managed all of about three days before deciding he couldn't hack it and they had to put the baby into nursery, which she wasn't very happy about).

Wow. Can he honestly not see the issue with his stance? He wants a child but none of the sacrifices that come with it. Just throw money at the issue and get everyone else to do the grunt work. That would be a hard no from me.

I think you are right - you have made your position clear. You want a larger age gap (mine has 3.5 years for this reason) if you are doing maternity leave and dont want a Nanny.

If he wants it sooner then he needs to take some of the negatives.

THough with that attitude I would be questionning a second at all

I'd be asking what's attracting him to having a second child. Does he just not like the baby stage?

Ugh, this sort of attitude would make it even less likely I'd have sex with him in the future. Problem solved!

Yanbu at all

The woman always gets the final vote on TTC. YANBU.

Wait until you're ready as he clearly isn't budging on the issue.

YADNBU...Problem here though is that he may agree, then when you are pregnant, rescind it....and there will be nothing you can do about it.....what then?

His argument is that his work isn't compatible with a long period of leave as he has customers who expect him to be at their beck and call.

He wants to try sooner as it took us 3 years and 2 mmc to conceive DS so we could end up with a bigger gap anyway but I honestly don't think I'd manage if we ended up with 2 under 2 or something like that.

Your body, your choice and that’s what I would be telling him

He wants to try earlier he shares with the parental leave

Simple as that

He's not the type to agree and then go back on his word - he knows I'd consider it a dealbreaker.

YABU to make it a requirement for TTC. It seems a bit like you’re cutting your nose off to spite your face tbh, given that you want a baby at some point anyway. You’re a more experienced mum this time so maybe you won’t find it as hard. Also, does he have to take the full 6 months? Do you think you actually want him to take the full 6 months or do you just like the idea of it? Maybe, you should just talk to him and set out your expectations of what he HAS to do if he chooses to only take the bare minimum of leave. That could be anything. Examples I can think of..fair share of night feeds/lie ins/housework.
I’m just trying to be devil’s advocate with the questions by the way. Whatever works well for you is best so good luck ❤️

The thing is there were times during my mat leave I struggled so much that I decided I didn't want a second at all. A lot of that I think was anxiety due to DS having health issues but it was also just mat leave being both overwhelming and tedious at the same time.

DH did do a lot of the physical work as well, but all the decisions and responsibilities fell to me and still do to an extent. I think that's partly what I want to avoid by sharing parental leave - he'll be the primary parent too.

So he wants a baby if someone else does the grunt work for him. Lovely.

So he wants a second baby, but intends for you to take the whole financial/career hit and do the most labour intensive bit of parenting.

Cool.

It sounds like your DS is still young and that you are not ready for another baby yet.

That is ok. Wait until you are (if you ever are). I wasnt until DD was 2.5 and she was 3.5 when her brother arrived and I found it much better

@FeministBadger

His argument is that his work isn't compatible with a long period of leave as he has customers who expect him to be at their beck and call.

He wants to try sooner as it took us 3 years and 2 mmc to conceive DS so we could end up with a bigger gap anyway but I honestly don't think I'd manage if we ended up with 2 under 2 or something like that.

Does he think no women have this kind of role? 🙄

Ah, of course, unlike you he has a Big And Important Job, no one could ever take time away from such a job and live to tell the tale

Sounds like my h. Instead of taking paternity leave, he told his work he’d be working from home. That was of course as much use to me as a chocolate teapot. He could have taken the time off as we were both earning loads at the time. Typical billy bollocks who thinks his jobs oh so fucking important

I said I'd be happy to have a smaller gap if DH took shared parental leave which he said wouldn't work with his job.

His argument is that his work isn't compatible with a long period of leave as he has customers who expect him to be at their beck and call.

So there are no women at his work?

Or if there are, none of them take maternity leave?

He is, of course, being ridiculous. Clearly babies and the raising of them is women’s work and he shouldn’t be expected to partake.

Has he any female colleagues who have taken mat leave?

@FeministBadger

The thing is there were times during my mat leave I struggled so much that I decided I didn't want a second at all. A lot of that I think was anxiety due to DS having health issues but it was also just mat leave being both overwhelming and tedious at the same time.

DH did do a lot of the physical work as well, but all the decisions and responsibilities fell to me and still do to an extent. I think that's partly what I want to avoid by sharing parental leave - he'll be the primary parent too.

I would avoid having another baby with this man altogether. He hardly sounds like Dad of the year if he leaves all the mental load up to you. Baby #2 isn't even here yet and he's already trying to push all of the load your way. Take it for what it is, a giant red flag.