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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to take shared parental leave if he wants a second child

138 replies

FeministBadger · 15/03/2022 17:04

Over the weekend, DH raised the question of when we'd start trying for a second child. DH wants to start trying sooner and I want a bigger gap particularly as I found maternity leave difficult.

I said I'd be happy to have a smaller gap if DH took shared parental leave which he said wouldn't work with his job. However his company is really generous with SPL and he could get full pay for 6 months even if I'd taken 6 months too so the only problem would be the same issues any woman in his role would face. His solution is we could get a nanny.

This has really annoyed me - I accept DH can't share the pregnancy and birth parts but it seems he doesn't want to do anything that could impact on his career even though he is the one wanting a second kid sooner. Aibu to make him taking SPL a requirement for us ttc?

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 16/03/2022 04:30

*get me ready

bluedodecagon · 16/03/2022 05:50

Just don’t have another baby. You don’t want one and your DH has no intention of stepping up.

UncomfortableBadger · 16/03/2022 05:57

YANBU OP - Currently pregnant with our first & prior to that I was firm with DH that it was 50:50 SPL or no children. He’s taking 6 months SPL. No enhanced pay above statutory but that’s not the point; it’s a question of principle, with a 50:50 work division being expected (and agreed) from the very outset.

Simonjt · 16/03/2022 06:03

So he wants another baby, but he doesn’t actually want to raise his baby, instead he wants either you or a nanny to do that on his behalf. In that case, why does he want another baby?

ThatsNotItAtAll · 16/03/2022 06:11

YANBU

I actually think men who father a baby should legally have to take 6 months parental leave... it's the only way the gender i.e. biological sex not gender - the maternity pay gap) will ever come meaningfully close to closing...

Dexy007 · 16/03/2022 06:42

Yes yes yes I wish so much that legislation would firstly force equalise parental leave provisions to match whatever companies offer women. And then yes, there should be 6 months for each parent - use it or lose it.

Donotgogentle · 16/03/2022 06:43

@FeministBadger

I'm certainly not hoping he'd have a miserable time of parental leave but I do think I am feeling aggrieved that he gets the easy option.

I have a lot of thoughts flying around that I'm trying to understand and this thread is really helping. The ones that feel fair are:

  • I want him to understand what it is like to be primary parent
  • He can get 6 months of full pay when I'd then be on zero pay, or we'd be paying for a nanny
  • He is expecting me to take maternity leave at a cost to my career when he is, at a minimum, very reluctant to do the same
  • He is the one actively pushing to have a second child sooner

Where I'm probably being unfair is:

  • I feel like our lives and his choices are the gender pay gap come to life
  • I feel like if men in general don't step up to take SPL nothing is ever going to change
  • I'm losing respect for DH for not wanting to be the one to challenge it in his workplace
  • I'd already be doing the pretty serious work of growing and birthing the baby so he could take a heavier load
Actually I don’t think your second set of bullet points is “unfair”, just that they’re broader points relating to sexism in society, rather than being individual to your DH.

Your DH’s attitude to challenging that sexism is still an important part of your relationship and how you view him.

I would be very wary of having a second child when your DH has said he doesn’t want childcare to impact his career. It’s not just about the SPL and deciding whether to outsource his parenting to a nanny. It will be days your child is sick and off nursery/school, or the pre school and after school care, etc. Or looking after the DC when you’re on holiday because your DH is busy working as god forbid he should disappoint his customers rather than his wife and child.

As they say on the Relationships board, he has shown you who he is, listen.

There are many women who are happy stepping back professionally when they have a baby leaving their DH to concentrate on his career. This is what you’re being asked to do, either that or accept a nanny will be your co-parent. You need to think very carefully about having another DC in those circumstances. There is nothing wrong with stopping at one and it may well save your relationship.

ThinWomansBrain · 16/03/2022 06:47

If he can't be bothered to take responsibility for a second child beyond financial, then maybe it's better not to have a second?

collieresponder88 · 16/03/2022 06:56

I don't think it's ever good to start trying to make a baby when you are already arguing over who will look after it ! Your obviously not ready for this commitment. Not nice to bring a life into the world when neither of you want to make the sacrifices required to raise it

girlmom21 · 16/03/2022 06:59

It's very telling that his 'very important job' that offers 6 months full pay (most women don't get that!) if he takes paternity leave might be impacted but he's happy for you to take that impact twice over.

Donotgogentle · 16/03/2022 07:10

@collieresponder88

I don't think it's ever good to start trying to make a baby when you are already arguing over who will look after it ! Your obviously not ready for this commitment. Not nice to bring a life into the world when neither of you want to make the sacrifices required to raise it
No, the op just doesn’t want to make all of the sacrifices.
2DogsOnMySofa · 16/03/2022 07:34

I'd be seriously considering if a second child is what you want. And let's face it, if he's not prepared to share mat leave, and you'll be the one responsible for it, plus taking the hit to you mental health and career, then it's no longer a joint decision, it's YOUR decision

AlexaShutUp · 16/03/2022 07:40

He sounds incredibly sexist. That would be enough to put me off having a second child with him tbh. And I would tell him why.

Thatsplentyjack · 16/03/2022 07:41

YABU to make it a requirement for TTC

Fuck off

JassyRadlett · 16/03/2022 07:53

@AlexaShutUp

He sounds incredibly sexist. That would be enough to put me off having a second child with him tbh. And I would tell him why.
It would put me off having sex with him full stop, tbh.

He's being so transparent. He wants the thing he wants, but only if you take all the risk.

What a charmer.

stuntbubbles · 16/03/2022 07:57

YABU to make it a requirement for TTC. It seems a bit like you’re cutting your nose off to spite your face tbh, given that you want a baby at some point anyway. You’re a more experienced mum this time so maybe you won’t find it as hard.
This is some of the worst advice I’ve ever read on here! It’s her body and time, of course she can put requirements on TTC, she’s not a brood mare.

HardyBuckette · 16/03/2022 08:05

@blueluce85

YADNBU...Problem here though is that he may agree, then when you are pregnant, rescind it....and there will be nothing you can do about it.....what then?
This is what I thought. Once you're pregnant, you'll have no way of enforcing it. For that reason, I'd wait until you're ready to TTC again regardless of what he says about parental leave.

That does mean you might end up waiting ages for number two, just like if you start early expecting it to take a while you could get knocked up on the first try, but that's an innate part of the process really. Just a risk you take.

SpinsForGin · 16/03/2022 08:16

@FeministBadger

I'm certainly not hoping he'd have a miserable time of parental leave but I do think I am feeling aggrieved that he gets the easy option.

I have a lot of thoughts flying around that I'm trying to understand and this thread is really helping. The ones that feel fair are:

  • I want him to understand what it is like to be primary parent
  • He can get 6 months of full pay when I'd then be on zero pay, or we'd be paying for a nanny
  • He is expecting me to take maternity leave at a cost to my career when he is, at a minimum, very reluctant to do the same
  • He is the one actively pushing to have a second child sooner

Where I'm probably being unfair is:

  • I feel like our lives and his choices are the gender pay gap come to life
  • I feel like if men in general don't step up to take SPL nothing is ever going to change
  • I'm losing respect for DH for not wanting to be the one to challenge it in his workplace
  • I'd already be doing the pretty serious work of growing and birthing the baby so he could take a heavier load
All of these are perfectly reasonable. Even the ones you think are unfair.

We only have one child for similar reasons. I'm not prepared to take another hit on my career, I didn't have a great maternity leave the first time around and DH isn't prepared to take SPL.

Therefore we're not having another.

Lalliella · 16/03/2022 08:17

@FeministBadger

His argument is that his work isn't compatible with a long period of leave as he has customers who expect him to be at their beck and call.

He wants to try sooner as it took us 3 years and 2 mmc to conceive DS so we could end up with a bigger gap anyway but I honestly don't think I'd manage if we ended up with 2 under 2 or something like that.

I think with the difficulties you had it would be a good idea to start trying sooner rather than later. Speaking as someone who had similar difficulties and would have preferred a smaller gap than the one we ended up with.

Can’t really comment on the SPL as I wouldn’t have wanted DH to take any of my leave off me! But I know that’s not the same for everyone.

SpinsForGin · 16/03/2022 08:39

Not nice to bring a life into the world when neither of you want to make the sacrifices required to raise it

The issue here is that the OP is expected to make all the sacrifices. That's hardly fair.

VestaTilley · 16/03/2022 08:59

Do not have a second child until you are ready. Your body, your choice.

You’re the one who’ll do pregnancy, birth, recovery, possibly breastfeeding, and - let’s face it - the bulk of the care in the first year at least.

Leave it now until YOU want a second.

I’d also be wary in case he says he will take SPL, you get pregnant, then when the time comes he changes his mind. Keep an eye on your contraception.

Original poster
FeministBadger · 16/03/2022 09:06

Thanks for the input everyone.

I think actually a PP has it right, right now I cannot imagine having a second if it requires the same sacrifices as the first time round.

I had hoped DH would be willing to step up and take on an equal share next time but if that is in doubt I am happy stopping at one.

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 16/03/2022 09:20

@Simonjt

So he wants another baby, but he doesn’t actually want to raise his baby, instead he wants either you or a nanny to do that on his behalf. In that case, why does he want another baby?
Wtf? Lots of couples use a nanny, nursery or only have one parent at home.

The problem is that the op wants him to use his paid paternity so they both take the career hit this time.

TigerMTV · 16/03/2022 09:38

@FeministBadger

Worth bearing in mind of course that a second baby means looking after baby and toddler, which was much, much more demanding than looking after a baby! Sorry if PP have already mentioned this and I’m sure it’s probably obvious anyway.

I think I would always feel a bit resentful if my OH refused to take SPL - yet was happy for my career and sanity to take such a big hit.

My friends with a single child have much more freedom and leisure time and a less frenetic lifestyle than those of us with 2+ children. So there would be other benefits to stopping at one!

UpToMyElbowsInDiapers · 16/03/2022 13:13

“ Where I'm probably being unfair is:

  • I feel like our lives and his choices are the gender pay gap come to life
  • I feel like if men in general don't step up to take SPL nothing is ever going to change
  • I'm losing respect for DH for not wanting to be the one to challenge it in his workplace
  • I'd already be doing the pretty serious work of growing and birthing the baby so he could take a heavier load”

This is not unfair at all. It’s spot on. For all the PPs saying not to lay the blame for all of society’s ills on this DH - nonsense! Thousands of people like this DH are the folks who create and shape our society. And it takes lots of individuals stepping up in their own small way to make a change.

My DH was very resistant initially to taking leave exactly because he didn’t want to stick his neck out in his work culture. I pretty much told him that if he wants me to find him in the least bit attractive, he needed to be brave. And being brave isn’t showing off jumping from the higher diving board at the pool, or picking a fight with a body builder. Being brave is leaning in to support and prioritize your family, even if your boss promises to railroad your career and makes snide comments about babysitting.

We had a lot of arguments about it - really pretty heated arguments - but ultimately he agreed to take 3 months of parental leave and he did not end up regretting it for a single minute.