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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to take shared parental leave if he wants a second child

138 replies

FeministBadger · 15/03/2022 17:04

Over the weekend, DH raised the question of when we'd start trying for a second child. DH wants to start trying sooner and I want a bigger gap particularly as I found maternity leave difficult.

I said I'd be happy to have a smaller gap if DH took shared parental leave which he said wouldn't work with his job. However his company is really generous with SPL and he could get full pay for 6 months even if I'd taken 6 months too so the only problem would be the same issues any woman in his role would face. His solution is we could get a nanny.

This has really annoyed me - I accept DH can't share the pregnancy and birth parts but it seems he doesn't want to do anything that could impact on his career even though he is the one wanting a second kid sooner. Aibu to make him taking SPL a requirement for us ttc?

OP posts:
PearPickingPorky · 15/03/2022 18:28

@Roundeartheratchriatmas

So he wants a baby if someone else does the grunt work for him. Lovely.
The "someone else"(s) being all female, unsurprisingly.
urbanbuddha · 15/03/2022 18:31

YANBU.
Suppose DC2 is a girl. What behaviours does your DH want to model? Does he want her to be an independent thinker able to forge her way ahead, or will he raise her with lower expectations because ultimately her role is to bear children? It would be a valuable learning experience for him to take parental leave. He will become a broader, more understanding person able to multi-task, and endure and rise above tedium and fatigue. Hopefully.

BulletTrain · 15/03/2022 18:34

YANBU. Maternity leave was horrible in so many ways. I've never felt so overwhelmed by the constant presence of a person and so lonely at the same time!

Original poster
FeministBadger · 15/03/2022 18:37

@TheSpottedZebra

Has he any female colleagues who have taken mat leave?
One - she came back after 3 months whilst her husband did SPL. The only other women (a whole 2 of them) don't have kids and apparently don't want them.

I feel like I can see the whole reason for the gender pay gap playing out in my personal life. Before I got pregnant we were on similar salaries - DH 10% more. On mat leave he got promoted and is now on 50% more than me. Since returning I've been "Mummy tracked". He doesn't want the same thing to happen to him if he takes SPL, he's already getting a lot of noise about the fact he starts at 9 for drop offs because his work is apparently in the 1950s where everyone else has a housewife.

OP posts:
Fireflygal · 15/03/2022 18:38

Why does he think your job is different?

Are you now back at work now? I think your stance is very reasonable, especially if you have had pregnancy losses as you need to feel resilient.

I wonder if he might reflect on his position and waver. It's alien for men to have to weigh up choices between career or family. If you point out its 6 months in a 35 year career might he rethink?

Fireflygal · 15/03/2022 18:39

X-post..yep! It's easy to see why the pay gap happens

Original poster
FeministBadger · 15/03/2022 18:40

@BulletTrain

YANBU. Maternity leave was horrible in so many ways. I've never felt so overwhelmed by the constant presence of a person and so lonely at the same time!
God this summarises how I felt so well. I actually feel dread at the thought of returning for another year. Even 6 months would be pushing it tbh.
OP posts:
Whatwasthat2 · 15/03/2022 18:40

Your job and your welfare are as important as his. He sounds like a sexist idiot.

glowingcandle · 15/03/2022 18:40

You're definitely in the right on this one.

Why is it always men who have jobs which mean they can't take paternity leave/shared parental leave, can't do nursery/school pick up, can't request to go part time etc etc. It gets very boring.

BulletTrain · 15/03/2022 18:41

Flowers We only had one and then DH had a vasectomy. Many reasons, but one of them was definitely that I didn't want to drop out of society again.

BulletTrain · 15/03/2022 18:43

In fairness, some places don't not hire women in case they get pregnant, but they do hire men knowing they never will and then get a bit gobsmacked when they want more than 2 weeks off. Some m3n are going to have to be company trailblazers and that can be your DH.

thenewduchessoflapland · 15/03/2022 18:44

Sounds as though his office is full of men with their big important man jobs 🙄🙄🙄

Whatwasthat2 · 15/03/2022 18:45

@BulletTrain

In fairness, some places don't not hire women in case they get pregnant, but they do hire men knowing they never will and then get a bit gobsmacked when they want more than 2 weeks off. Some m3n are going to have to be company trailblazers and that can be your DH.
I mean that is against the law... I'm not sure what the "in fairness" is about.
BrinksmansEntry · 15/03/2022 18:46

Sorry, he gets 6 months full pay?! That is amazing and I would expect him to have fully justified reasons not to take that up. Any parental leave is for the benefit of the baby and family, and if one party is able to take advantage of a cracking offer like that, most parents would jump at the chance.

If he doesn't want to be side tracked or put on a slow lane then the solution is for him to take that out with his employer, not make you take full maternity leave and be disadvantaged. His solution can't be that he gains at your loss.

Rodedooda · 15/03/2022 18:46

It may actually help his career.

Wait until you're physically and emotionally ready regardless, agree that he may say yes to get you to agree.

Nothing wrong with not having any more children at all.

M0RVEN · 15/03/2022 18:51

He doesn’t want his career to be affected, he wants yours to be doubly affected instead.

What a prince among men Hmm

Luredbyapomegranate · 15/03/2022 18:52

Absolutely. And I’d really call him out on this - he doesn’t want to do it because he CBA or thinks it will damage his career. So how is that supportive to you or women in general?

The schedule is yours to set.

BulletTrain · 15/03/2022 18:53

I meant "in fairness" to him, a lot of employers are not up on shared parental leave and are at great pains to point out to male employees what an inconvenience it is. Basically, the attitude of the boss is the same as it is to picking up sick kids from school at 11am. "Why can't mum do it".

As I said, in order to make it the norm, more men need to stick their necks out. And make HR cases if this then affects their promotion prospects etc.

stimpyyouidiot · 15/03/2022 18:54

My husband would absolutely JUMP at the chance if he got full pay. It's a total no brainer.

Original poster
FeministBadger · 15/03/2022 19:15

@BulletTrain

I meant "in fairness" to him, a lot of employers are not up on shared parental leave and are at great pains to point out to male employees what an inconvenience it is. Basically, the attitude of the boss is the same as it is to picking up sick kids from school at 11am. "Why can't mum do it".

As I said, in order to make it the norm, more men need to stick their necks out. And make HR cases if this then affects their promotion prospects etc.

Yes this is basically his office. That's what frustrates me so much. I know there's quite a realistic chance that if he does do this he'll be the poster boy for how progressive the company are, and then quickly sidelined into a diversity role where he won't impact on customer deliverables.

But at the same time, I am so angry that he can have it all still and that he doesn't want to share the impact and it doesn't even occur to him to do so, because obviously maternity leave is for women.

OP posts:
PriestessofPing · 15/03/2022 19:20

No, i’d not have another child with someone who expected my career to take a double hit while they risked nothing in theirs. Not to mention actually having to carry the pregnancy and the aftermath. No way.

Luredbyapomegranate · 15/03/2022 19:42

@BulletTrain

I meant "in fairness" to him, a lot of employers are not up on shared parental leave and are at great pains to point out to male employees what an inconvenience it is. Basically, the attitude of the boss is the same as it is to picking up sick kids from school at 11am. "Why can't mum do it".

As I said, in order to make it the norm, more men need to stick their necks out. And make HR cases if this then affects their promotion prospects etc.

TBH people make it pretty obvious to mothers how inconvenient it is. Mothers are just used to be treated like that.

However, the attitude to fathers taking parental leave or doing 4 days a week, or leaving early for pick ups has changed a lot in 10 years - so don’t let him over egg that OP. It’s handy for him isn’t it ? I doubt they are quite as clueless as he says - especially not if they are a company of any size. Insist he talks to HR and don’t take any nonsense.

GabriellaMontez · 15/03/2022 19:49

It's absolutely your choice. But I think his suggestion of getting a nanny is quite good.

BulletTrain · 15/03/2022 19:55

TBH people make it pretty obvious to mothers how inconvenient it is. Mothers are just used to be treated like that.

Of course. But the real shitheads about working parents just don't hire women in their 30s in the first place. I don't know if you've ever looked for a job as a 34 year old woman with a one year old, but it was hard.

mintbiscuit · 15/03/2022 19:56

Until men do shared parental leave we have no chance of fixing the gender pay gap (which contributes massively to the gender savings gap).

But of course they won’t in any meaningful numbers…Hmm

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