To expect DH to take shared parental leave if he wants a second child

[FeministBadger]

Over the weekend, DH raised the question of when we'd start trying for a second child. DH wants to start trying sooner and I want a bigger gap particularly as I found maternity leave difficult.

I said I'd be happy to have a smaller gap if DH took shared parental leave which he said wouldn't work with his job. However his company is really generous with SPL and he could get full pay for 6 months even if I'd taken 6 months too so the only problem would be the same issues any woman in his role would face. His solution is we could get a nanny.

This has really annoyed me - I accept DH can't share the pregnancy and birth parts but it seems he doesn't want to do anything that could impact on his career even though he is the one wanting a second kid sooner. Aibu to make him taking SPL a requirement for us ttc?

And his colleague even though he isn't paid as much as his wife nor has a high flying job as his wife, took no parental leave.

Your DH's example didn't help like he thought it would.

Just magnified the male privilege and selfishness.

Aaaah, so annoying. I work in the civil service, a male senior director (eg responsible for approx 400 people) has just returned from 6 months shared parental leave, the departments he is responsible for didn't collapse, everything is fine. He has a lot of respect for doing it..... which is probably the only annoying thing eg seen as a bit of a tail blazer when it should be completely normal at any level of seniority, that's not his fault though.

Hard to imagine how you haven't got the total Ick.

When someone shows you who they are, as he has done repeatedly, believe them.

If you were my darling daughter I would be telling you he isn't good enough for you and don't have another child with him.

A man who really loves a woman, works as a team with her.

He's not on your team, he's not even near the pitch.

Please don't trust him.

You are too good for him.

He's not on your team, he's not even near the pitch.

This.

When my DSIL had her second child, DBIL gave up his job to care for their baby and toddler full-time. They tightened their belts for a year so he could he train in a flexible job he could do from home and thanks to their joint efforts are about to retire in their early/mid fifties.

Your DH is a prat.

@Shortname

Aaaah, so annoying. I work in the civil service, a male senior director (eg responsible for approx 400 people) has just returned from 6 months shared parental leave, the departments he is responsible for didn't collapse, everything is fine. He has a lot of respect for doing it..... which is probably the only annoying thing eg seen as a bit of a tail blazer when it should be completely normal at any level of seniority, that's not his fault though.

You don't lose respect as professional men. My husband was the first man in his company in the 2 offices based here, employment of 700 to take parental leave nearly 20 years ago.

He went down to a 3 - 4 day week.

He did it because he could, not because we needed to as I was a sahm.

He loved the extra days off and tax wise it was efficient.

He pushed for it and got huge cudos from colleagues as because of his application HR had to update and instigate a company wide policy, where many others have subsequently followed.

Whatever about him not taking the leave, he never helped with the baby generally and that alone would have finished any further plans of further children.

I genuinely do not understand women continuing to have children with a man who never helped when the first arrived and somehow are surpised they do nothing now they have 4.
🤷‍♀️

I definitely do have the ick right now but worse than that, I feel I am losing respect for him and he is not the man I thought he was. I want him to want to take SPL, and to not give a damn what the idiots in the office say about it but instead I'm being told about how the idiots make it work by, coincidentally, their wives doing it all.

And yes, I do not want to be like posters who are 5/10 years down the line and wondering how they ended up doing everything. That's why I raised SPL in the first place and why we will not be having a second any time soon and even then only if DH is willing to meet me part way.

What is the current split like with childcare/housework/working hours/Finances

Because at the moment it seems as if you are makign the sacrifices and he isnt - and his solutions still have you and his child making them and not him

You are clearly a bright woman.
He has been very clear and honest as to the type of man he is.

A shit husband and a shit father.

You had a rough time with your first mat leave, no doubt contributed massively by him refusing to support you.

You are not pushed about another.

Simply put DO NOT have another child.

Live you life.
Enjoy your career.
Bank as much money as you can.
Keep fit and look after yourself.
Develop interests outside the house besides work.
Make sure he pays for sitters so you can have time to yourself.
Detach from this man.
Divorce him when, and only when it suits you.

Don't waste your future on him.

@Quartz2208

What is the current split like with childcare/housework/working hours/Finances

Because at the moment it seems as if you are makign the sacrifices and he isnt - and his solutions still have you and his child making them and not him

I'd say right now we're about 50:50 in terms of free time. He works longer hours and I do more housework as a result but he makes an effort to come home to do bathtime and then work once DS is down I'd say 4 days out of 5.

The problem is that he has (probably due to my year of mat leave) taken on the junior role so he'll do tasks but won't plan stuff. For example, he'll happily cook every night if I've done a meal plan, done food shopping, made sure the cupboards are stocked, but if I didn't he would get takeout.

I'd say right now we're about 50:50 in terms of free time. He works longer hours and I do more housework as a result but he makes an effort to come home to do bathtime and then work once DS is down I'd say 4 days out of 5

So he does more of the high status, career building, promotion earning and pension building paid work .

And you do more of the low status, career destroying, promotion damaging , unpensionable and unpaid work.

That’s not 50:50.

The problem is that he has (probably due to my year of mat leave) taken on the junior role so he'll do tasks but won't plan stuff. For example, he'll happily cook every night if I've done a meal plan, done food shopping, made sure the cupboards are stocked, but if I didn't he would get takeout

Ah so he will do half the job when it’s his turn. But you have to do all of the job when it’s your turn AND half of his job. That’s not 50:50 either.

It would only be the “ junior “ role if he did the work and you did the managerial role planning and organising ONLY.

@M0RVEN

I'd say right now we're about 50:50 in terms of free time. He works longer hours and I do more housework as a result but he makes an effort to come home to do bathtime and then work once DS is down I'd say 4 days out of 5

So he does more of the high status, career building, promotion earning and pension building paid work .

And you do more of the low status, career destroying, promotion damaging , unpensionable and unpaid work.

That’s not 50:50.

The problem is that he has (probably due to my year of mat leave) taken on the junior role so he'll do tasks but won't plan stuff. For example, he'll happily cook every night if I've done a meal plan, done food shopping, made sure the cupboards are stocked, but if I didn't he would get takeout

Ah so he will do half the job when it’s his turn. But you have to do all of the job when it’s your turn AND half of his job. That’s not 50:50 either.

It would only be the “ junior “ role if he did the work and you did the managerial role planning and organising ONLY.

I would read this OP and read it again because Morven is correct - you look to be 50/50 but you are still taking on all the lower level stuff and management.

I think you really do need a hard conversation with him about this before it even starts to look at another child

and he Makes an effort the language here makes it seem as if he is doing you a favour coming home and helping with bathtime

It's so refreshing hearing back from everyone. Between DH's work expecting everyone to have a support spouse and my family thinking DH is incredible because their husbands can't boil an egg, I was starting to think I was being really unreasonable. And I think, fundamentally, these same people are telling him I'm unreasonable too.

I think (hope) we can get to a better balance. Right now he is acting as a deputy not as a partner which is frustrating but not insurmountable if we stick with one DC. I'm certainly not going to be adding a second to the mix until we are doing so as a team, which to me means equal SPL.

Excellent post by @M0RVEN.

I am very very suspicious of anyone saying a man is a wonder simply because he does the absolute minimum he can get away with.
Cooking is the easy part.
Thinking, deciding, shopping is the hard part of cooking.