To be in pieces over the death of my dog?

[aibusux2u]

We knew the time was coming. She was 15, and had been diagnosed with an aggressive cancer earlier this year. We were fortunate really because we had over a month to make a real fuss of her and give her lots of extra treats and attention. We had to have her PTS on Sunday, but we were lucky as she was still full of beans until 36 hours beforehand, and even in the last bit of time she did not seem distressed or in too much pain, just very tired and weak.

But my husband and I are in pieces. I keep picturing how I held her head as she passed. I was the last thing she saw and although I made sure I smiled, the tears were flowing too and I hope that didn't scare her. My husband was holding her too and he said she was calm but I feel guilty for letting some tears escape while she was still with us.

And now everywhere feels so empty. We donated her bed and everything to the animal rescue centre yesterday. The house feels all wrong without her. She was such a huge part of our lives for such a long time. I keep thinking I hear her walking around or barking, and expecting her to come trotting up behind me when I prepare meals.

Everything just feels like the joy has been sucked out and there is no point in anything. Which is crazy as there is so much worse going on in the world, and we're blessed to have our children (who seem remarkably unfazed by all this), and she was "just a dog".

Any tips for getting past this? When does it get easier? I did not expect it to hit so hard.

I'm so sorry

There's no quick way round this I'm afraid. Sadly you just have to let time pass. 😢

I lost my cat in Oct and was totally devastated. I'm always in bits when we lose one but this was much, much worse.
I miss her so much still and that's normal, she was a massive part of our family, as I'm sure your darling girl was in yours.

You gave her a great life although that's scant comfort to you at present, I know. ♥️

I’m so sorry
I promise that her last moments won’t be the first memory you have of her for ever.
We got a little notebook and wrote things down about our dog that we remembered right from when we got her at 8 weeks. Tried to do this especially when the pictures of her last minutes popped into our heads intrusively. That helped a bit - I can even read through it now without bursting into tears.
Only time makes it better. If you need to cry, cry. Talk about her to people who will not say “just a dog”. Some surprising people rallied round me and gave me comfort and they weren’t all ‘doggy people’ either.
For 15 years she was part of your family, so whatever else is going on in the world, that matters.

Oh and we also rearranged the dining room bit where she slept, bought a new item of furniture to go where her bed was, because I couldn’t stand to see the empty space.

OP, I lost my lovely girl on February 24th and I was in tears Saturday night about her loss, and again this morning when I went to the vets to pick up here ashes. It's so, so tough but it will get better - she and her sister were the successors to two very good boys who left us in 2020 and I can now think of them with such fondness and joy, so I know I will get there in respect of Pops sooner or later. Give yourself time - you've lost a member of your family and in grieving her, you honour her and all the lovely times you had together.

She wasn’t ‘just a dog’ but a big part of your family. I always have two dogs simply to not face the quiet of a day without one, because it’s just horrible, just too quiet. I recall my childhood family dog going and we heard the jangle of the collar all the time after, it was really distressing. Then my parents waiting years to get another and I just hated it.

So you have my sympathy, losing a dog is a real bereavement and it will take time to get over. Don’t try to minimise it or feel like you’re being silly, she was one of your family and you loved her.

Sadly the price we pay to share our lives with such wonderful pets, just wish they shared our lifespan.

I am so sorry for you loss. I have never owned a dog but have suffered the loss of several cats which was really hard. My husband still gets emotional when talking about the spaniel he owned as a boy and DH is 54! You are grieving- you have lost a much loved member of your family. Ty to take comfort in the fact that you gave him a wonderful life and he will always be a part of you

I'm sorry I meant she and her.

I'm so sorry. It's an absolutely awful pain - just devastating, and the gap they leave in the house and your routines is huge. All I can say is that you have done the kindest, bravest thing for her, and have taken on this pain so that she didn't have to. You will laugh at lovely memories of her soon, but the first few days and weeks are bloody hard. I think it's partly because there's no support system to guide you through it, like when a person dies and there's paperwork and officialdom and a funeral and cultural/family norms. When a dog dies, you just have the pain and loss and no clear path through it. My heart really does go out to you - we've been through it twice in the past few years and both times it absolutely destroyed us. All I can say is to take it a day at a time, talk about her - tell us about her, if you'd like to - and know that you did the right thing and it won't hurt this much for ever

YANBU. A dog is a member of the pfamily. You have had a close loving relationship with them and they lived with you. Of course you are in pieces. I'm so sorry. allow yourself to grieve and stay in the company of people who understand that losing a pet is a real bereavement.

I dread DCat dying. He is 16, was SEN DS's best friend for years when he had no human ones and is without doubt a member of our family, not just a pet.

Losing our little dog was one of the greatest griefs I've ever known and I've had my share.

Your girl was was loved, cared for and allowed a peaceful death. That won't comfort you at the moment but in time it will. and sincere sympathy.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

It's never (for the majority of us) just a 'pet'. They become part of the family and are loved dearly. Of course we miss their presence intently because they were such a big part of our day and the joy the bring.

Time is a healer. Know you did the right thing, and give it time. x

Thank you everybody for your kinds words. They mean a lot.

Partly I guess it's guilt as we're the ones that took this decision. I know it was her time and the vet was in total agreement, but it still hurts. Sort of feels like we betrayed her. That on top of my stupid tears is making me feel terrible.

But in the end, even if all of that was a non-issue, I just really really miss her.

Oh bless you. If she was relaxed and calm when she passed, I promise you that you did right by your sweet doggo.
We lost our 13 year old staffy girl much the same as you did. Spoilt her for five lovely months after diagnosis, she was living her best doggy life, then it just seemed to catch up to her and 24 hours later we had the sweet old girl PTS. So glad you got to hold her, so sorry as I know how much it hurts when they go. I didn’t want to cry in front of her either, but of course I did!
It does get better. I love retelling tales of what she did, the cute, the bad and the unhygienic!
We waited about 6 months and we now have a rescue dog. He’s a 9 year old small staffy who’s owner was made homeless. This dog will never replace our little old lady, but he has definitely helped us heal as a family and yes, all those things I’ve missed so much, like being greeted and stared at while I cook, it’s great to have that again.
They really are family member. I think I’ll always have a little space in my heart for a dog now, always ❤️

People who say 'it's just a cat/dog' are emphatically not my type of people.

They're part of your family, your daily life is impacted hugely by their presence and it's very 'empty' when they're not there.

I've spent this morning looking for a kitten that escaped its carrier as it arrived at the vets this morning. I think I'm more upset than the owner!

At least you & DH have each other & he's not telling you to stop being daft!

It doesn't stay as intense as it is right now, but it'll take time to stop being so raw.

Love each other & you'll get there 🌷

That guilt is totally unwarranted but totally normal.
I hope you feel better soon.
What breed was she?

You are not BU at all. Dogs are family.

We are a couple of weeks ahead of you. We had to let our Ddog go on 27/2.

We cried solidly for a couple of weeks. All of our daily routines revolved around Ddog. Morning routine, daily walks, bedtime routine, Sunday longer walks, the lot. DC are at University but we didn't feel like empty nesters until now.

All I can say is that time does heal a bit. We still get a lump in the throat when he doesn't greet us, and isn't there in the morning, but we're not actually crying. It's progress.

All I can say is to be kind to yourselves, and cry if you need to. Anyone who has loved a pet will understand.

@aibusux2u

Thank you everybody for your kinds words. They mean a lot.

Partly I guess it's guilt as we're the ones that took this decision. I know it was her time and the vet was in total agreement, but it still hurts. Sort of feels like we betrayed her. That on top of my stupid tears is making me feel terrible.

But in the end, even if all of that was a non-issue, I just really really miss her.

Don't feel guilty - it is the hardest and kindest of all the decisions we ever make for them. And you were there for her right to the end, which will have given her great comfort.

She was a much-loved member of your family, allow yourself to grieve properly and in time all the good memories will come back stronger than this one of the end that you have now.

@ThisIsntDanicaBritannica She was a flatcoat retriever cross. Huge and full of so much life and character.

I’m so sorry for your loss. They leave such a hole, but it does get better with time.

Oh love, I'm so sorry. It's a horrible, horrible thing to go through.

A dog is not 'just a dog'. They are absolutely part of your family and you and your husband loved her very, very much. It's a strong bond. It's normal to feel this kind of grief when you lose a dog, especially after 15 years, and all I can say is that (heartbreaking though it is) it will ease with time.

You gave your dog a lovely, happy life and you gave her a peaceful, painless end with the people she loved and trusted, when she was ready to go. That is a valuable gift to her in itself.

Some people in this situation find they can't contemplate bringing another dog into their family for a while. Others find it helpful to think about another dog quite quickly - not because it's a replacement (it isn't, at all) but because it gives you something to focus on and care for and bond with and makes the house feel less empty. My mum always says our second dog saved us after we lost our first when I was a child, and I think she was right - but equally, I know it doesn't feel right for everyone.

Take care

Those days following are horrible and truly gut wrenching. When our beloved dog was PTS I hated coming home as I would automatically expect her to be waiting at the door for me. It was like a sucker punch to the chest, when instead it was silent.
That was 15 years ago and it still hurts.
Since then, we have had cats and, although very different, they've helped hugely.
Whilst I'm not suggesting you going out and immediately getting another pet, for us it was a godsend.
Our lifestyle, pre Covid, wouldn't suit a dog but the cats fit in beautifully. They have such characters and make us laugh every single day. Although #1 woke me up at 4.38am for biscuits today...

Sending you the biggest hug, I've been there too sadly and it's incredibly painful. I still ache for him now, but I know, as you do that every decision was made with absolute love.

When my boy was PTS a couple of years ago It was like losing a person. The following day I had to attend a really important meeting and just couldn't hold it together, I was utterly devastated, I no doubt came over as completely unprofessional but he was my world and I simply couldn't contain it.

The weekend after we'd lost him I went to the rescue (to do as you did and donate his things) and the looks on those poor lost souls faces...well lets just say then and there we started the process of getting another dog. I appreciate that that's not for everyone, and it may come over as us trying to replace him but it wasn't that at all. We simply felt like we could make a life better, and we absolutely did. The dog we got has never replaced the one we had before, but we love him to bits and have taught him to trust again. I need to be needed I think and he's helped us heal just as we've helped him. I know my gorgeous boy would approve x

I'm so sorry. It's been almost two years since we lost our little fella and we still speak of him every day.

You need to let yourself grieve for as long as you need to. In time, the raw feeling will go and you'll be able to remember the happy life you shared together.

Things that helped me were rearranging the house where his bed had been so I wasn't seeing an empty space, and choosing some photos to display. My sister made me a lovely collage of pictures which was a great comfort and now has pride of place in the living room.

Thank you for everyone's words of wisdom. They really do help.

One thing I should have said in the OP is that we definitely won't consider getting another dog. We have plans that would make that too difficult over the next few years, for one thing, but I also can't go through this again. I do see how it could be a big help as it would ease the emptiness - she was quite unassuming in her later years and yet I now see she was still a huge part of our daily routine - but it's not the route for us.