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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be in pieces over the death of my dog?

156 replies

aibusux2u · 15/03/2022 11:57

We knew the time was coming. She was 15, and had been diagnosed with an aggressive cancer earlier this year. We were fortunate really because we had over a month to make a real fuss of her and give her lots of extra treats and attention. We had to have her PTS on Sunday, but we were lucky as she was still full of beans until 36 hours beforehand, and even in the last bit of time she did not seem distressed or in too much pain, just very tired and weak.

But my husband and I are in pieces. I keep picturing how I held her head as she passed. I was the last thing she saw and although I made sure I smiled, the tears were flowing too and I hope that didn't scare her. My husband was holding her too and he said she was calm but I feel guilty for letting some tears escape while she was still with us.

And now everywhere feels so empty. We donated her bed and everything to the animal rescue centre yesterday. The house feels all wrong without her. She was such a huge part of our lives for such a long time. I keep thinking I hear her walking around or barking, and expecting her to come trotting up behind me when I prepare meals.

Everything just feels like the joy has been sucked out and there is no point in anything. Which is crazy as there is so much worse going on in the world, and we're blessed to have our children (who seem remarkably unfazed by all this), and she was "just a dog".

Any tips for getting past this? When does it get easier? I did not expect it to hit so hard.

OP posts:

billydilly · 15/03/2022 14:45

Bless you OP. I remember when our incredibly ancient Maine Coon was PTS at home, on his favourite spot on the sofa. It was a perfect death for a perfect boy. I cried so hard that the vet burst into tears too and I ended up comforting her..

Bluelillies · 15/03/2022 14:46

My partners aunt and families dog was put to sleep last year-I cried my eyes out-he was just such a lovely dog,who was so loved and will be missed
I’m dreading the day my son loses his dog-thankfully he’s young at the moment so fingers crossed it won’t be for a while
It’s because of another dog,I met my partner-they are such huge parts of our lives
The pain is very real-it’s not ‘just a dog’ they are your life and you theirs
I tell my son to make memories with his dog and one day that’s all he’ll be,but knowing that the dog has had the best life he can will make it all worthwhile
Sending hugs

Tara336 · 15/03/2022 14:50

You have lost a friend and companion, you need time to grieve. It sounds like her passing was peaceful and you she was looking at a person she loved. It's traumatic for those left behind and it's the day we all dread but you did your very best for her. I'm so sorry x

IceNiceBebeh · 15/03/2022 14:54

Just reading your op made me cry thinking about when the time comes for my darling girl, so you shouldn't feel silly. It's a loss. You need to grieve :(

balalake · 15/03/2022 14:54

I hope the many happy memories that you have can be some comfort to you. It will not bring your dog back, but I commend you for the donation to the animal rescue centre.

Mickarooni · 15/03/2022 14:58

The grief I felt over the loss of my dog was like nothing I had experienced before.
@aibusux2u it is still very new for you and their presence is constant companion, so of course your miss your darling pup.
I put up lots of lovely photos after my dog was PTS and I allowed myself the time and space to feel the pain and to go through a grieving process. I think we need to give ourselves permission and to let it out.

Be gentle with yourself and I am so sorry for your loss.

cecilthehungryspider · 15/03/2022 15:05

It hurts, I'm sorry. You did the kindest thing for her though, no guilt required.

Original poster

aibusux2u · 15/03/2022 15:05

@Nevercloser

You are suffering now but she is not. You saved her from that.

This really struck a chord with DH and I. Thank you

OP posts:

SomeoneInTheLaaaaaounge · 15/03/2022 15:05

OP my heart goes out to you - I totally understand. This poem always makes me fee a little better - sorry if it’s too cheesy:

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.
When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor. Those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent. His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

Suzi888 · 15/03/2022 15:10

It’s the greatest kindness we can give them when they’re in pain or there’s no quality of life . I’m so sorry for your loss. Allow yourself to grieve.

Flakjacketon · 15/03/2022 15:23

I could have written your post. We had to have our beloved 14year old labrador PTS on 8th Feb. She too had an aggressive cancer.
We stayed with her whilst she died, but the image of her 'falling' asleep still haunts me. I am in tears typing this.
We were devastated and it was three weeks before I went a day without tears. The house is so empty and I still wait for her to greet me in the mornings and when I come home.
But slowly we are getting better and we are smiling and having fun again and can talk about her without getting upset.
We scattered some of her ashes on our favourite walk and have buried the rest in the garden, in the spot she used to dig up. Knowing she is there gives me comfort.
I completely understand your pain but it does ease. 💐

ExConstance · 15/03/2022 15:24

So sorry for your loss, Aibusux2u, Was this your first dog? I still think about my first dog a lot and was devastated when we had to have her PTS at just over 17. I remember sitting with her in the car at the vets and casting my mind back to the day i got her and thinking on the first day of having her that there would be a last day too. She was too old to have lived much longer and was very frail and unhappy with that, so there was no alternative. Just a thought but after each of the 5 dogs we have now owned and lost we said "no more dogs" but we are now on our 6th, an old rescue Staffie that we love to bits. You gave yours a great life, and a forever home and always did your best for her right to the end, yes you were lucky to have her but she was very lucky to have you too.

AncientWhitedogpoop · 15/03/2022 15:26

Op I completely sympathise. Our 15 year old dog that we'd had since he was weeks old died in the Summer. I am an utter dog person but quite honestly I don't think I will ever own a dog again. It's too heartbreaking when the inevitable happens, plus we loved him so much we don't see how any other dog can compare.
It will gradually feel better.

user1471538283 · 15/03/2022 15:27

She was not just a dog, she was a member of your family.

You made the right decision. She had a full and lovely life and she didnt leave in pain. She wasnt going to get better and you did the best thing you could for her. My DF always said we were more humane to animals than humans.

I'm dreading losing my DBoycat. That's the trouble they never live as long as we want them to.

DameHelena · 15/03/2022 15:36

I'm so sorry, OP.

No dog is just a dog; they're a part of the family. Of course you will mourn and grieve.
It's OK that the tears were flowing while you held her. You loved her and she would have felt that. Dogs love to comfort us when we cry; I think it might have made her feel happy.
It is a terrible decision to have to make, but it's what a loving owner does and it is an act of love.

The animal rescue centre will use her things to help so many more dogs; you and she have given them a great gift.

Just allow yourself to grieve. Be as kind to yourself as you would to someone else who had lost a loved one.

poohfant · 15/03/2022 15:46

Have you read the Rainbow Bridge poem? It helped me and when we were driving to collect our new puppy some time later the biggest double rainbows appeared, letting us know he approved..

LittleMG · 15/03/2022 15:54

Op I’m so sorry x time heals all (enough so you will be ok) x

Iloveyogurt · 15/03/2022 16:35

We lost our beautiful girl in October, aged 14, very gradual decline until she then had a big seizure and we had her PTS that day.nutterly heartbreaking and I too held her as she passed. Still makes me sad thinking about those last few days now. We put her stuff away pretty quickly as I too couldn't face looking at an empty basket but one thing that I found so helpful was the grieving module of mindfulness on the headspace app, it really helped me. After a few weeks we put together a photo book of her and we also took a holiday that would have been difficult to do otherwise. We then welcomed our new dog in February this year and whilst it is lovely having another dog, it in no way fills the hole left by the other one. Even as I was getting the dog beds and other stuff out again ready for the new dog, I was in bits as I could smell our old dog and it brought back her loss. It does get easier with time but those first few weeks were awful

sofakingcool · 15/03/2022 16:59

I remember the day we had our gorgeous KCC spaniel to sleep like it was yesterday - almost 25 years ago. I lost part of my heart that day. It made me hugely reluctant to get a dog now that I'm an adult, but as a family we really want one. I don't know how I'll cope once she's gone, currently just 4 so hoping for many more years left - she really is my best friend. Annoying, licking, knicker pinching best friend.

OP, and the other poster who lost her beloved ddog today, I'm so sorry xx

Crayfishforyou · 15/03/2022 17:05

Yanbu
Even if they have the most loved and peaceful passing, the loss is still shattering. I’m so sorry.
I think time is the only healer.
I will probably be the same when my beautiful beloved dog has his time.

ALongHardWinter · 15/03/2022 17:11

So sorry for your loss OP. I felt the same way when my beloved cat died 10 years ago. There is nothing I can say to ease the pain of your grief,only that the passing of time will make the pain less intense,and one day you will be able to think of her without crying.

SpeckledlyHen · 15/03/2022 17:12

@aibusux2u

Thank you everybody for your kinds words. They mean a lot.

Partly I guess it's guilt as we're the ones that took this decision. I know it was her time and the vet was in total agreement, but it still hurts. Sort of feels like we betrayed her. That on top of my stupid tears is making me feel terrible.

But in the end, even if all of that was a non-issue, I just really really miss her.

I have a view on this and think owners that do the best for their pets by not making them suffer unnecessarily are actually the most loyal and loving and you should not feel you betrayed her. I see a lot of people who let their animals suffer too long for their own emotional needs.

That said I know when I lost my horse I was in pieces. I cried hysterically for 24 hours, I honestly thought I was going to have to go to the Drs for medication. It was so so hard and raw. And she didn't even live in the house like our dog does.

All I can say though is that it does get better, not immediately but over time you will start feeling less raw and the real grabbing your heart pain in the chest goes. I am dreading the day I say goodbye to my old girl (dog). She is 11 now, nearly blind and had 3 major surgeries in the last 18mths so I know it is inevitable.

Hugs to you.

Ludo19 · 15/03/2022 17:13

OP you gave her the last kindness you could. You ended her suffering. It will get easier with time but reading all these posts has me in tears. I lost my two girls (cats) at 18&19. I lost my beloved Theo at only 9 last year and I can honestly say I'm broken. I have other cats to take of so that does help.

Queenie6655 · 15/03/2022 17:15

I'm so sorry

It is just awful

But what a beautiful life this angel had
Great age !!!!

Sending good wishes xxxx

Newbie44 · 15/03/2022 17:19

@Rosiesmydog
Sorry for your loss also xx

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