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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be in pieces over the death of my dog?

156 replies

aibusux2u · 15/03/2022 11:57

We knew the time was coming. She was 15, and had been diagnosed with an aggressive cancer earlier this year. We were fortunate really because we had over a month to make a real fuss of her and give her lots of extra treats and attention. We had to have her PTS on Sunday, but we were lucky as she was still full of beans until 36 hours beforehand, and even in the last bit of time she did not seem distressed or in too much pain, just very tired and weak.

But my husband and I are in pieces. I keep picturing how I held her head as she passed. I was the last thing she saw and although I made sure I smiled, the tears were flowing too and I hope that didn't scare her. My husband was holding her too and he said she was calm but I feel guilty for letting some tears escape while she was still with us.

And now everywhere feels so empty. We donated her bed and everything to the animal rescue centre yesterday. The house feels all wrong without her. She was such a huge part of our lives for such a long time. I keep thinking I hear her walking around or barking, and expecting her to come trotting up behind me when I prepare meals.

Everything just feels like the joy has been sucked out and there is no point in anything. Which is crazy as there is so much worse going on in the world, and we're blessed to have our children (who seem remarkably unfazed by all this), and she was "just a dog".

Any tips for getting past this? When does it get easier? I did not expect it to hit so hard.

OP posts:
Dustyblue · 16/03/2022 05:06

Dear OP, I feel very heavy and sad reading your post and all the replies.

We said goodbye to our dog-child after an emergency surgery that we knew had a mere 30% chance of success, but I'll never regret spending that desperate money. You'd do anything wouldn't you?

I'm still not ready for another dog, years later, but we're all different. Be gentle with yourselves, you're now paying the price of having had your awesome dog for so long. Hugs.

Original poster
aibusux2u · 16/03/2022 14:40

Thank you, everybody. She is being cremated today, and we are going to collect the blanket she had on her when the vet took her away.

OP posts:
everyonesmom · 16/03/2022 15:04

I am so sorry for your loss. We had to make the same decision with our 14 year old boy in January. Like you, despite the vets assurances, we were worried we went too soon and had always hoped he would pass in his sleep. A very wise friend said something that resonates....no day would have been the right time for us but that day was the right time for him. I now feel honoured we held him when he died and glad that he didn't go in his sleep alone. I miss him every day and like you won't be getting another but this grief was worth those wonderful 14 years.

Nevercloser · 16/03/2022 19:27

Those things you have kept will be a comfort in months/ years to come.
I have a box of Lottie’s fur, collar, lead and harness. Every so often I look through it and it brings back so many vivid memories. I feel close to her. We have a new dog now and I know you say you won’t have another dog. I completely understand that your circumstances aren’t right and if ours weren’t we wouldn’t have had another.

Our new dog doesn’t help the bereavement, although she is wonderful. I suppose what I’m saying is go with what you know to be right.

You absolutely did the kindest thing . Everyone on this forum shares your grief, it’s fucking awful. My thoughts and love are with you.
X

Nevercloser · 16/03/2022 19:28

Everyone’s mum is spot on.

Lwren · 16/03/2022 19:34

I haven't read through the comments as I'll cry.

My dog was PTS years ago, I've got 2 dogs, 3 kids, I still cry at my doggies death and she was 17.
Grief is horrific when it's someone you love, pls be kind to yourself and time will help you, I believe animals can be our soulmates. No, "just" a pet about it.
Big love ❤

Ellmau · 16/03/2022 21:10

So sorry.

gunnersgold · 16/03/2022 21:15

It takes time , every time I lose an animal I am devastated but time does make is better . You did the best thing for her being with her at the end . Some people leave them in the waiting room ! She knew she was loved until the end x

User3456 · 16/03/2022 21:23

YANBU OP. So very sorry for your loss.
It comes in waves. It sounds like she had the best life with you. In time it will get easier but it's also important to give yourself time to grieve.

Peanutssuck · 16/03/2022 21:29

I'm so sorry OP. Although I have read your post, I can't read through the comments either, as they will make me cry even more. Its the worst feeling...just awful. I lost my beautiful Dcat 5 months ago. His ashes sit next to me every night. It's a comfort. Time does make it easier. In the meantime big unsmumsnetty hugs and love to you x

Original poster
aibusux2u · 19/03/2022 02:05

Thank you everyone.
I feel a bit better today. We collected her ashes so it sort of feels like we are together for now.
So weird to think she was here this time last week gobbling down crisps like there was no tomorrow!

OP posts:
SheldonesqueTheBstard · 19/03/2022 17:56

I am sorry OP. So many of us know your pain. The only thing that makes it ease is time. Precious time.

The utter heartbreak and tears give way to smiling through tears, then a smile and a joy but sorrow feeling in your heart.

It is hard to explain but you’ll know.

My dog was literally my world. My rescue. Her rescue. And the salvation of me.

And I still cry over her 8 years on if I let myself do that.

A sudden death leaves so many questions. So many feelings. So much time that you feel that someone has taken from you.
Until I got her ashes back, my house was all wrong. When she came home I could grieve.

In the end, it is all about love. And the price we pay for love and companionship and joy is pain. No question.

But I would not have missed the time I had with my girl.

Love is important. And your dog knew love. And that is what you should carry with you.

To peace in your hearts OP. 🌻 ✨ 🐾 🐾 x

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 19/03/2022 18:00

And I know you had time to prepare but to go from ‘normality’ to ‘preparation’ is hard.

I am sorry.

Montsti · 19/03/2022 18:11

I’m so sorry. Thinking of you and I completely understand how you feel as we lost our special boy 2 years ago. He was 12…

Time is definitely a healer…

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 19/03/2022 19:58

Just so you know. I’m just watching Thursday’s repair shop. And a banjo has been restored and they sang ‘you are my sunshine’.

The chorus I used to sing all the time to my girl. And I’m crying and smiling.

May beautiful memories catch you by surprise also.

MingeofDeath · 19/03/2022 20:59

Research has shown that the death of a much loved pet causes as much grief as losing a human family member. Grieve for your lovely dog and console yourself with the fact that she had a lovely life and you did right by her by not allowing her to suffer.

PenguindreamsofDraco · 19/03/2022 21:11

I cried more when my cat was PTS than when my mother died, and I loved my mother! But my cat had a far better death, she was much luckier. Quick and peaceful and in my arms, like yours. Wouldn't we all want to have as good a death as you gave your dog!

Furries · 19/03/2022 21:15

I’m so sorry, losing them is so hard. I always think of the line “if love alone could have saved you, you would have lived forever”.

I, too, really struggled with guilt after my beloved cat was PTS. There is a short verse called Today You Did The Bravest Thing - despite making me cry (even two years on) it also actually helped me.

As others have said, time really help to ease that awful raw grief. 💐

Horsemad · 19/03/2022 21:46

😭 just read that verse, @Furries.

PurpleFlower1983 · 19/03/2022 21:50

I’m so sorry for your loss, dogs are very much family members so it’s completely understandable you’re devastated. Flowers

Tomeeornottomee · 19/03/2022 22:04

There’s nothing anyone can say to make you feel better but just know that no, YANBU. 2 years have passed since my beloved boy was pts and it still hurts. It’s been over 30 years since my mums best boy went and she still sometimes gets a bit tearful about him.
Your girl was clearly a much loved pet of your family for a long time and you have the right to grieve for as long as it takes. 💐

Tomeeornottomee · 19/03/2022 22:05

Part of your family. Because they can are so much more than just a pet x

ChampionOfTheSun · 19/03/2022 22:10

I'm sorry for your loss Flowers we lost our dog in similar circumstances (very aggressive cancer and we decided on palliative care due to her age, we had about a month from diagnosis) and even though I knew it was the right thing to do to PTS I was in bits. My comfort was that she knew she was loved right till the end, I held her as she passed and I sobbed too. Your beautiful dog would have only ever known love too Flowers look after yourself xx

Ihaveroyallyscrewedup · 19/03/2022 22:12

It’s been almost two years and I still get teary if I talk about our boy, I dream about him sometimes and still feel the emptiness of the house.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 19/03/2022 22:14

When I had to take my beloved old boy to be PTS because he had cancer (I had kept him going for an extra 6 months with chemo) and then suddenly deteriorated I was devastated. However, I kept telling myself it was far kinder to do this than leave him to suffer.

The day I found out he had cancer was the day the courts had refused the right to die law and the front pages of the newspapers were all full of the man who had brought the issue to court. I remember looking at his picture and thinking that my dog was never going to have to suffer as much as that poor man would because I could choose to end my dog’s suffering.

That thought didn’t make the loss any less painful but it did stop me feeling guilt.

In all honesty, I was also devastated when my dog died and I would have given 10 years of my own life to him.

OP, I totally understand how you feel but always know you did the kindest thing possible.