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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be in pieces over the death of my dog?

156 replies

aibusux2u · 15/03/2022 11:57

We knew the time was coming. She was 15, and had been diagnosed with an aggressive cancer earlier this year. We were fortunate really because we had over a month to make a real fuss of her and give her lots of extra treats and attention. We had to have her PTS on Sunday, but we were lucky as she was still full of beans until 36 hours beforehand, and even in the last bit of time she did not seem distressed or in too much pain, just very tired and weak.

But my husband and I are in pieces. I keep picturing how I held her head as she passed. I was the last thing she saw and although I made sure I smiled, the tears were flowing too and I hope that didn't scare her. My husband was holding her too and he said she was calm but I feel guilty for letting some tears escape while she was still with us.

And now everywhere feels so empty. We donated her bed and everything to the animal rescue centre yesterday. The house feels all wrong without her. She was such a huge part of our lives for such a long time. I keep thinking I hear her walking around or barking, and expecting her to come trotting up behind me when I prepare meals.

Everything just feels like the joy has been sucked out and there is no point in anything. Which is crazy as there is so much worse going on in the world, and we're blessed to have our children (who seem remarkably unfazed by all this), and she was "just a dog".

Any tips for getting past this? When does it get easier? I did not expect it to hit so hard.

OP posts:
MegaClutterSlut · 15/03/2022 12:47

Im so sorry about your dog. I know how devastating it is 😢

They're such a huge part of the family, my whole schedule revolves around my dog. It will get better op, in time the good memories will outshine the bad moments Flowers

ClariceQuiff · 15/03/2022 12:50

We have plans that would make that too difficult over the next few years

We were, and are, in the same position. It would be easy to forget the difficulty and time involved with a new dog, compared to our elderly dog who was completely attuned to our routines, could safely be left for a morning or afternoon and so on. It wouldn't be the right time to get another dog, although I sometimes feel very tempted. The head has to rule the heart when such a huge decision is involved.

Spidey66 · 15/03/2022 12:50

My dog's 3 and I'm already worried how much I'll miss her when she dies, even though it shouldn't happen for at least 10 years!

She's my baby (I know MN hate the idea of pets being ''babies'' but due to fertility issues we never had kids and as I'm post hysterectomy it ain't going to happen so she really is our baby substitute.) She's funny, quirky, loyal, always pleased to see me and forces me to take exercise when I don't want to. I've had my gallbladder out and surgery for a badly broken shoulder in the past year, when I've been in pain from the fracture or having a gallstones attack she's ''known'' and has sat next to me giving me a reassuring paw when I've been crying my eyes out in pain. I will miss her so, so much when the time comes.

So I get where you're coming from totally and you have my condolences.

Rosiesmydog · 15/03/2022 13:04

This is me today💔💔. I’m just back from the vet after having my beloved golden retriever PTS. She was 16…which is a wonderful age for a GR. she had been declining over the last week and this morning it was clear what we needed to do. My heart is totally broken and there’s a huge hole in our lives that Rosie filled. Haven’t stopped crying all day. She was such a good dog.

Original poster
aibusux2u · 15/03/2022 13:19

@Rosiesmydog I'm so sorry you are going through this right now too. Even knowing it's coming, the grief knocks you sideways.

OP posts:
ThisIsntDanicaBritannica · 15/03/2022 13:19

Oh sorry op please don’t think I was saying you should get another dog!
Life just isn’t that simple and I totally get what you mean about not wanting your heart broken all over again.
I’m lucky enough to be home full time and always will be so I need the dog as much as they need me.
This may sound crackers but after a few weeks I got a realistic staffy plush and sat on the sofa stroking it. It did ease things a bit. I’d fall asleep with it in my arms and chat to it. I’m a bit weird though… My mum has a realistic plush cat that has its own bed and she moves it around the house! She’s got too many health issues to have any cars now, buts she’s always had them so it comforts her I think.
You really did do the best for your girl. I know it doesn’t feel like it, but you really did.

ThisIsntDanicaBritannica · 15/03/2022 13:19

That should be cats not cars!

sonjadog · 15/03/2022 13:24

For me, losing my dogs have felt like losing a close friend. Most of my dogs were adult rescues when I got them, but one I had for 13 years from he was a puppy until he died at a ripe old age. I was crushed when he died. It felt like losing a close family member. As will any grief, it did get better with time. With the dog I had from a puppy, in the first weeks I felt like I was disconnected from reality. For all my dogs took many months to get used to coming home and no-one in the hall to greet me. My last dog died almost two years ago and sometimes I still find it almost overwhelming to think that there is no dog in my house. So, yes, it will get better but it will take time.

Lavender2021 · 15/03/2022 13:30

I had my childhood 13 year old lab PTS over 7 years ago and don't think I could talk about her still without crying.

Rosiesmydog · 15/03/2022 13:46

[quote aibusux2u]@Rosiesmydog I'm so sorry you are going through this right now too. Even knowing it's coming, the grief knocks you sideways.[/quote]
Thank you, didn’t mean to hijack your thread (not that you’ve said I have!). It’s such an awful decision to make and it literally cuts you in two.

People say that it’s kindness and of course, they are right. But that doesn’t stop you feeling so absolutely awful for making that decision.

We can mourn our beautiful dogs together 💔💔💔

loislovesstewie · 15/03/2022 13:51

She wasn't 'just a dog' she was your best friend. And she didn't judge you, or argue with you, she was always happy to see you, to give you her love. She was faithful to you (or at least until someone else opened the pack of biscuits !). In return you gave her love and she knew it.
Flowers

Norgie · 15/03/2022 13:57

I'm so sorry that your beloved dog has passed over the rainbow bridge Op.
It does leave a huge void. A much loved dog ( or any other pet ) isn't just a dog, it's a way of life due to the routine too.
Time will lessen the grief, but for now, cry as much as you like and try to remember that your beautiful dog had a wonderful life with you. X

pawpaws2022 · 15/03/2022 14:02

It takes a long time
I lost my horse august 2019, my legs went from under me and I cried so much that my teeth hurt. I would be doing something and realise I was crying and not knowing it
Now I can type about her but I can't say her name or think too much yet as I get upset. It felt like my entire world had vanished

Boofay · 15/03/2022 14:15

I'm so sorry @aibusux2u.

We are soon to be in your position. My gorgeous 8 year old cavalier King Charles has a severe heart murmur, one that he's had since he was 3 or 4 years old. It's now got so bad that we are beginning to see the signs of early heart failure. He is on constant medication and it helps somewhat. He's in no pain right now according to our vet but he's said that our dog has about a year left - maybe a bit more, maybe a bit less. The second that our dog starts to struggle or is in pain my DH and I have agreed we'll let him go. It's so so painful to think about and I can't bear the thought of a life without him, but we knew we'd have to deal with this one day.
Dogs are family members. Hamsters, fish, gerbils etc, they're pets. Dogs and cats are something else. The pain of losing them is unbearable.
There's no other way of getting past this other than time. As with any loss, take your time to grieve xx

Looubylou · 15/03/2022 14:18

Sending you hugs OP. My gorgeous boy was almost 17 and still chasing after his ball 2 days before I decided to take action before he was really suffering. You did the right thing for your dog and she knew you loved her, I'm sure. I recognise all of the feelings, expectations, imaginings, and guilt you describe. It definately gets better (though I'm shedding a tear right now). We talk about our boy and all the happy times he gave us and we gave him. We have his picture on our phones etc. My son is 11 and he is also able to talk about the funny times. You will find what works for you as a family. Your reaction suggests you were a very loving mum to your dog, and I'm confident you gave her a great life - remember that 💐

Nevercloser · 15/03/2022 14:23

I promise you that the pain will become more bearable. For me, it will never go away completely but gradually all the fun, happy memories come back. They don’t replace the pain but more and more, they are the dominant memories.
I am almost two years on.

I also had a family bereavement shortly after and of the two deaths my dog had , by far, the most peaceful and easy passing. So please don’t feel guilty.

VickyEadieofThigh · 15/03/2022 14:24

I feel your pain. We had to have our 13/14 (he was a rescue, so unsure of exact age) year old Staffy pts on 28 February. He'd been ill for lost of the last year but it was still a very hard decision and you always feel guilty about it. We howled, we really did and the house is so empty without him. He was the best dog we've ever known and a perfect, completely loving and hugely funny companion.

Time does heal; having loved and lost dogs before, I know this is true and it does help to talk - a lot - about your memories of the dog because they were such an important part of your life.

But this is real grief - don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Nevercloser · 15/03/2022 14:26

You did the kindest thing for her

Nevercloser · 15/03/2022 14:27

You are suffering now but she is not. You saved her from that.

Blossomtoes · 15/03/2022 14:30

Oh sweetheart, so sorry. It hurts so much. Just the thought of losing our girl makes me well up. 💐

Clarabe1 · 15/03/2022 14:34

Oh bless youFlowers I have been there myself and honestly I have never cried over a human like I did over my dog. It hurts so much. In time the worst of it passes and you are able to look back and smile at the memories. You must remember you gave your dog a wonderful life - that is so important. You are grieving and have lost your best friend. Of course it hurts, what sort of person would you be if you could just dismiss it. Take care op, I am very sorry for your loss

Looubylou · 15/03/2022 14:36

VickyEadieofThigh 💐

Newbie44 · 15/03/2022 14:38

I am very sorry to hear about your loss.
It’s up there with the worst experiences of your life, and I would never underestimate the pain of losing something you love so much. Our pets love us unconditionally don’t they, and we them. What a privilege to have that kind of relationship in our lives.

I used to hear people talk about pets being PTS, didn’t give it much thought until the decision sadly came my way ☹️ To have that responsibility is overwhelming and heartbreaking, but your decision was truly made with love, compassion and selflessness.

Your dog was very lucky to have you and your husband as owners.

One day, you will be able to think of your loved one with a smile, and look at a photo with fondness and love. Just not yet.

You will feel very sad naturally, and you are entitled to feel that way. Please try and allow yourself the time and space to grieve. Take each day at a time and one morning you will think of a happy memory and it will make you smile again. Good luck xx

Please google ‘Willow Tree Dog Angel’ I have these and smile every time I look at them on the shelf, they really helped me 😊

MintyGreenDream · 15/03/2022 14:40

It's absolutely horrendous.The only way I've got over it was to get another dog in time.

Clarabe1 · 15/03/2022 14:43

@MintyGreenDream that was me. You don’t stop loving your lost pet but you put all your love into your new one of that makes sense? They don’t replace them but they sort of heal you. It’s an awful feeling but the thing is if you don’t have the grief you don’t ever get to know the joy of having unconditional love. I wouldn’t have swapped it for the world.