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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

PIL...To Think Theres No Way Back From This

142 replies

SucculentChalice · 15/03/2022 10:13

Name change to be less identifiable.

PIL have a small holiday home in a European country. They stay in it twice a year for a few weeks and its empty the rest of the year. They have no thoughts of retiring to it as they have a large house in the UK that they prefer. DH and I have stayed in it once about 10 years ago, of course we offered payment but PIL were happy a contribution for utilities. DH's other two siblings have stayed in it a few times too with some of their children, but again not all that often, albeit it more than us.

DH and I are thinking about buying a very small apartment in the same area and DH contacted PIL to ask if he could stay in it again for 10-11 days. MIL was initially enthusiastic, particularly as it sitting empty and this would mean it got checked on. She also told DH they were thinking about selling it in the future as they had lost interest in it and now preferred holidays to more exciting parts of the world rather than staying in the same place. We made plans and then she changed her mind, telling DH that she was worried that I was going to use it as a base for several months for wfh.

Where she got this idea from, I don't know. I can't wfh from overseas anyway and she knows this, and it was just such a bizarre idea that I decided to email her to reassure her that we just wanted a holiday and to look at properties around the area for sale and would maybe consider purchasing theirs but not to worry if it wasn't convenient/ready, we would just get an Air Bnb instead. No reply. She generally always replies, although I don't email her frequently, so it seems clear that this is a big issue and I've caused offence.

I'm horribly embarrassed that she thinks I'm some kind of freebie-hunter. I already have fairly low contact with PIL because they have form for being rude to me - when I was a teacher, FIL said I was "unemployed" during the school holidays and asked me if I was getting a job. When I mentioned the name of the school I attended, he asked me if it was "one of those failing schools" - its a private girls' school in London. Many similar examples. I'm from London, and PIL are from a regional city and I think their noses are a little out of joint that I come from a slightly wealthier background, hence the (not humorously said) put downs.

It would have been useful to have chatted with them about some information about the process of buying and paying property taxes in that country, but apart from that, I don't feel that I can even keep my low contact with them. What would I say at a family meal if the subject came up about our most recent holiday? They're not people you can crack a joke with. Everything is deathly serious.

PIL are in good health, definitely aren't going on holiday themselves at the same time and its not up for sale yet. We were pretty fluid with our dates when we discussed this give or take a 2 month period. Am I being unreasonable to think theres only so much dislike/negative comments towards me I can take? I think I'll never see them again now. I just wouldn't know what to say. DH asked them after my email whether they were saying it wasn't available, and they haven't even given DH an answer and seem to be ignoring him now as well, which they tend to do until an event such as a birthday comes up.

I've booked an Air BnB apartment for 2 weeks 20 miles from their holiday property so we will enjoy our holiday anyway. Its a common holiday destination so its not odd that we would want to go on holiday there.

OP posts:
Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 15/03/2022 10:18

Seems to me they won't be an accomplice to you making your lives better. Potentially better than theirs..
Sod them op. Luckily they can afford care in their dotage. No duties be falling your way.
They sound well bloody awful to me!! Staying well away is a good plan!!

Teaandtoastedbiscuits · 15/03/2022 10:20

I wouldn't be embarrassed. It was unkind of them to say you would be trying to take advantage if them re the whole comment . This is entirely their (non)issue. I wouldn't be giving it oxygen, and would probably be staying lc if not nc. Life is too short for these kind of people. They've shown themselves to be rude, normal people would not have had an issue with your request.

Teaandtoastedbiscuits · 15/03/2022 10:21

Wfh comment not whole comment!

WimpoleHat · 15/03/2022 10:25

How very odd. They obviously have some issues, but I wouldn’t engage - just stay as low contact as possible and leave them to it. Nothing to feel embarrassed about at all from your side.

AlisonDonut · 15/03/2022 10:26

I'd stop telling them anything that is for sure...esp when it comes to holidays or moving - do you even have to tell them your new address once you go?

DifficultBloodyWoman · 15/03/2022 10:27

Life is too short. Put it to the back of your mind, move on, enjoy the fact your mere existence seems to piss them off!

SpinningTheSeedsOfLove · 15/03/2022 10:27

Where on earth might your MiL have got the impression that you'll be WFH for several months? It seems an odd thing to believe.

We made plans and then she changed her mind, telling DH that she was worried that I was going to use it as a base for several months for wfh.

Did she put this in an email or in writing? Have you seen it?

Obviously YANBU to feel weirded out by this; but there may be something really fishy going on.

SucculentChalice · 15/03/2022 10:35

@SpinningTheSeedsOfLove

Where on earth might your MiL have got the impression that you'll be WFH for several months? It seems an odd thing to believe.

We made plans and then she changed her mind, telling DH that she was worried that I was going to use it as a base for several months for wfh.

Did she put this in an email or in writing? Have you seen it?

Obviously YANBU to feel weirded out by this; but there may be something really fishy going on.

Oh they have this ongoing narrative in their heads that I married DH for money (he hasn't got any! My parents were way more generous than his side of the family!) and I earn more than him anyway. I think they like to feel superior? Its a very strange dynamic which I find hard to grasp.

She had told DH on the phone that we could stay in the holiday home and when he arranged to drive to theirs to collect the spare key, he was told it was off and all these reasons in my OP given.

OP posts:
elfycat · 15/03/2022 10:35

My DH is the scapegoat child, the useless one. He is not allowed in their heads to do well (and by extension I'm not allowed either, nor are our children). He's not intelligent (the only one of their children to have a degree), he's not practical (he's an electronics engineer with specialist qualifications), and he's not allowed to have nice stuff (must have been galling for them to buy our older car off us so we could upgrade, but it was a good offer for them).

I wonder if you have a similar dynamic. You are not, in their heads, allowed to live a fantastic life. The belittling, the sulk-ignore until they want to get in contact... sounds familiar. Have they pigeon-holed you and you are inconveniently not fitting in with that?

If so there is no way back. Because there will be nothing you can do to effect that kind of closed-mindedness. Boundaries is all you can go for, and by booking an AirBnB and avoiding any kind of favour or begging for one you'll be doing yourselves a massive favour.

(please note - I have my bias)

ManateeFair · 15/03/2022 10:36

They sound bonkers, frankly. It’s beyond weird that they somehow thought you would use the apartment to work from home for months (wtf?!) and even weirder that they won’t accept your explanation that this wasn’t your intention.

Your DH needs to step up, though. He should have firmly explained that you weren’t going to work from the apartment, rather than leaving it to you to send them an email. They’re his parents; he needs to deal with them.

Chloemol · 15/03/2022 10:38

So I would be going NC

I would not be accepting presents, they would go back, and any fit act left with dh

SucculentChalice · 15/03/2022 10:39

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping

Seems to me they won't be an accomplice to you making your lives better. Potentially better than theirs.. Sod them op. Luckily they can afford care in their dotage. No duties be falling your way. They sound well bloody awful to me!! Staying well away is a good plan!!
Thats my feeling. You put it into words better than I could. I think they are like this with all their children, we aren't being singled out or anything.

Oh they are quite demanding that DH fixes stuff for them in their house so they don't have to pay someone! We live quite far away but every time he visits them he has to fix things for them.

They can be nice but I do feel like I'm treated with a certain level of...resentment? Wariness? I think I've put their noses out somewhat. Anyway, I really think I can't come back this time even with minimal contact. I'm horribly embarrassed. They clearly dislike me and have no qualms about making it known.

OP posts:
Momicrone · 15/03/2022 10:43

Just let dh do all communication with them from now on, they sound really mean leaving the flat empty rather than let you stay in it

TebayOrNotTebay · 15/03/2022 10:44

Might the other siblings have put a spoke in the wheel? eg might they think you are going to buy the house and it will no longer be available for them to use?

They sound awful.

SucculentChalice · 15/03/2022 10:45

elfycat I wonder if you have a similar dynamic. You are not, in their heads, allowed to live a fantastic life. The belittling, the sulk-ignore until they want to get in contact... sounds familiar. Have they pigeon-holed you and you are inconveniently not fitting in with that?

DH and I worked very hard in our twenties and thirties, doing up and selling cheap properties alongside our full time jobs. We did things like buy some second hand furniture, run old but servicable cars, didn't buy on credit, had cheap holidays, etc. We are now mortgage free in our late forties, hence we can afford a small place abroad. So despite having university degrees and good jobs, we could have given the impression of being quite poorly off, when in reality we were just being careful and working hard. Added to that, my family are fairly wealthy compared to theirs but they do tend to fall into the mumsnet cliche of dressing in scruffy clothes and driving old cars around their...well you get it. I don't think they really "get" me and they have quite rigid views?

They have been breathtakingly rude to me on a number of occassions though, in ways which have really hurt me and stuck in my mind, whilst being kind and good company on the few occasions I spend time with them.

But thats pretty standard for many people really

Really looking forward to my holiday now and its far better to be independent of them. I should never have thought about staying in their place, but it was DH's idea to ask them.

OP posts:
SucculentChalice · 15/03/2022 10:52

@TebayOrNotTebay

Might the other siblings have put a spoke in the wheel? eg might they think you are going to buy the house and it will no longer be available for them to use?

They sound awful.

Its possible I suppose. I get the impression though that the siblings are treated nearly as badly and that the PIL are out for themselves.

It would be funny though if we bumped into a set of the siblings while we were on holiday because they were staying in the holiday home for a month or something!

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 15/03/2022 10:53

How spiteful of them. You are very lucky that you don’t live near to these people!

It’s not you though it’s them.

Whatever you do don’t buy an apartment near theirs!

Perhaps they were shocked that you could afford to buy out there?

Either way as a parent you’d be delighted that your offspring were doing well financially so I really don’t know where their heads are at!

Don’t give them head space! Take them with a pinch of salt - they actually sound quite pathetic

Cyw2018 · 15/03/2022 10:54

YU both BU for owning/buying second homes and decimating communities. They leave their house standing empty for around 44 weeks of the year, I hope you will behave better, and either rethink your plan or run the property you plan to purchase as a proper holiday let business, managed and maintained by locals and kept occupied for the majority of the year.

Wotsdestory · 15/03/2022 10:56

Please don't be embarrassed; after all they're not! But their behaviour has certainly given you the right to be as cool as you now wish to them.

Does your DH ever challenge them? When they said they thought you were going to wfh in their property did he say "thats ridiculous, why would you think that?" Maybe their own family let them away with being rude as they've been conditioned to do so all their lives?

rookiemere · 15/03/2022 10:57

How bizarre. They clearly hate you and/or maybe MIL is suffering from early onset dementia.
I'd go absolutely minimal contact from now on. No more facilitation of visits or cards or anything you might have done previously. In a way it's better you're not staying there, can you imagine the drama if you'd wanted to buy their holiday property?

Retrievemysanity · 15/03/2022 10:59

So odd. What’s the dynamic like between the PIL just because you said MIL was initially pleased and the weird school comment came from FIL, could it be the case that he’s got some kind of issue and MIL is being influenced by him? I think I would just avoid them if you can.

SucculentChalice · 15/03/2022 11:00

@Cyw2018

YU both BU for owning/buying second homes and decimating communities. They leave their house standing empty for around 44 weeks of the year, I hope you will behave better, and either rethink your plan or run the property you plan to purchase as a proper holiday let business, managed and maintained by locals and kept occupied for the majority of the year.
PIL's second home was an uninhabited abandoned house in an increasingly depopulated community which people are leaving in their droves to move to the cities for work, which they employed local tradespeople to do up.

Its likely that we will buy a small house with a similar background.

This brings property taxes into the region which they wouldn't otherwise have.

My plan is to move to the country permanently in a few years and sell up here. I already speak the language quite well as my mother is from that country and I lived there as a child.

Do you have anything to add to the actual discussion, or would you like to start a thread of your own about holiday homes?

OP posts:
diddl · 15/03/2022 11:01

Did MIL initially think tat her son would be staying there alone & was OK with that but not you also being there?

Still odd though!

SucculentChalice · 15/03/2022 11:05

@Retrievemysanity

So odd. What’s the dynamic like between the PIL just because you said MIL was initially pleased and the weird school comment came from FIL, could it be the case that he’s got some kind of issue and MIL is being influenced by him? I think I would just avoid them if you can.
Yes, he does have an issue. He's not a very nice man! Surrounded by enablers and women who have run around after him and gone out to work while he sat at home and never told he's being rude.

It is possible that MIL has early onset dementia, that said, it still follows their pattern of being rude to me and making up strange things, and she seemed perfectly normal at Christmas. Theres also enough time passed since the remark was made for it to have been recovered from.

OP posts:
SucculentChalice · 15/03/2022 11:06

@diddl

Did MIL initially think tat her son would be staying there alone & was OK with that but not you also being there?

Still odd though!

Could be. Or perhaps she never thought it through. We have stayed there before about 10 years ago. I honestly wish I'd never thought about staying at their place. Its far simpler just to book an Air BnB and not deal with this.
OP posts: