Grannie feeling a little left out.

[Hall35]

My first GC was born 7 months ago I have a wonderful relationship with both the parents. Initially I was welcomed round had lots of cuddles allowed to feed them etc.
Then something changed and I'm at a loss as to what....I'm now not allowed to hold GC I go round a few times a wk (when it suits parents I don't just turn up!) and at first they clung to their parents but now they get smiley when i go in and reach for me only to have M distract them or move them. They also invite me round at naps times or times when I cant even ask for a cuddle. Gc sleeps at other GM often and they do lots of nice things together (I'd kill for a 10 minute walk round the block ha) I'm not demanding or judgemental with them and havent brought this up as dont want to cause tension but its breaking me.
I brought up my children well and have good relationships with them but baffled as to why I'm being excluded. At first I thought M was just overprotective as all is new mums have been (I was a nightmare ha) but everyone can hold my GC friends family etc just not me.
I have a lot of experience with children due to a huge family and have always been the go to person to have peoples children so I know I am trusted in this respect. OH thinks it's so GC bonds with other GP first and more. If that makes sense? AIBU?? Really struggling without having it out and causing arguments. Do I just keep doing as I'm doing and hopefully all will come good?

For what it's worth you sound lovely and I wish you were my mil.
Mine has seen my DC 3 times in 18 months and that's despite being 20 mins away. And all 3 times, we took them to them. They've been to our home less than 5 times in 4 years because they'd rather drink all day, yet I'm
The bitch monster from hell because I won't allow a relationship with the DC.
I've never stopped contact - I won't allow them to be unsupervised with them because they are negligent alcoholics. But I have never stopped them. It's easier to blame me than to accept their shortcomings as parents and grandparents.
One of mil daughters is no contact with 3 children she's not allowed to see - so I'm really not the issue.

It must be so hard for you op, but I agree it's both of them you need to approach. Explain how hurt you are, and ask what has upset them. It's possibly they are being precious about their first born, but it's really very unkind to you. I do hope you get to the bottom
Of it, you'll make such a lovely nan x

[quote Clarabe1]@Mariposista that’s the thing- it’s the kids that miss out. When I was little I adored my Nana ( my Dads mum) and would literally run to her for a cuddle. I would hate to have been deprived of those memories. My mum didn’t always see eye to eye with her MIL but she was big enough to never allow that to interfere in the relationship between us and our Nana. Kids should not be used to make a point or as a weapon.[/quote]
You’ve hit the nail on the head! I can read a lot of these manipulative young mums like a book, and their husbands will do anything for an easy life and not stand up to them, and sadly a lot of grandparents end up missing out on beautiful moments. Your mum sounds mature and sensible - if only all were like her.

@Totalwasteofpaper

You are doing something they (your DIL in particular probably) doesn't like.

I recommend working on your relationship with her. Extensively.
She will likely be a gatekeeper so you need to get her onside.
Bring her over flowers/ a cake or whatever when you pop in.
Ask how she is.
Ask how you can help her (picking up some shopping, taking something to the post office or bank whatever )

I'd also stop wearing a perfume for visits people are funny about it with babies.

Be careful with this.

My MIL was the same, always brought my flowers, offered to get shopping etc and I found it extremely overbearing and suffocating. I didn’t want help, I just didn’t want her around us. She didn’t do any wrong (not at this point anyway), but having a new baby changed the way I thought for at least 18 months. I never stopped her visiting, always made her feel welcome and made sure she had plenty of cuddles with the baby.

I’d say just grin and bear it for now. If you bring it up and friction ensues, she won’t forget it and it might make things worse for longer. The new parents will relax in time.

*me flowers, not my.

I wonder if mum may have some ppa? If you are paternal grandparent then maybe her mother feels less scary? & that's why the relationship there is different.
For 99% we all lean on our own mothers when we become mothers ourselves.

I feel for you OP.
How about trying to build the relationship with your Ddil, maybe offer to take her out for a coffee, bring her flowers, tell her what an amazing mum she is. Do you have any shared interests at all? Crafts? Theatre? Park run? Try to get involved with Something so that she knows you value her for herself.
Even offer to do a few jobs for them both.
From her point of view, she might see you walk into the house and try to take from her the one thing that she most values and wants to protect.

I think it sounds like they are very anxious first time parents , which is very hard to see but they will grow out of it !
I'm Granny to a 10m old and at first my lovely son-in-law was definitely anxious...about everything and I felt on edge trying to do the right thing/not doing the wrong thing, but he relaxed gradually (and now gives me my grandson so he can get on with household jobs or just get a break :D )
My DD was very relaxed from the start, possibly because I'm her mum, but also because she's an experienced children's nurse and was confident in herself. But even though we live very close by, and I'm now doing Granny care a few days a week,now DD is back at work I am very careful to not intrude.. he's their baby not mine.

I do think it's worth asking directly for a cuddle, and also gently asking if there is a problem, but I suspect it's firsttime-itis... I was very much the same with my own first child and didn't want anyone else ever holding her. I had PND...

I hope you can resolve it gently, I think it;s unlikely you have done anything wrong, but they may be still in their baby bubble! Fingers crossed you can find a way soon. I admit the days I have my grandson are pure joy!

@Totalwasteofpaper

You are doing something they (your DIL in particular probably) doesn't like.

I recommend working on your relationship with her. Extensively.
She will likely be a gatekeeper so you need to get her onside.
Bring her over flowers/ a cake or whatever when you pop in.
Ask how she is.
Ask how you can help her (picking up some shopping, taking something to the post office or bank whatever )

I'd also stop wearing a perfume for visits people are funny about it with babies.

Sadly, it’s not uncommon when it’s your DS’s baby.
I wouldn’t bother with flowers, tbh.
How about speaking to your son about how you feel? People might thinks it’s a bad idea but he’s DGC’s father too.
Hopefully, as DGC gets older, it’ll be easier for the dil to be more flexible.

A few visits a week sounds a lot to me. How long do you stay for each time?
How do they invite you? You mentioned you drop everything to go and see the baby when invited. Do they pick up the phone and ask you to go over that evening.
I was like your DIL with my MIL. I found her too 'much'. I found her exhausting to be around, listening to her repeat the same old stories word for work repeatedly . I was tired, I needed sleep. I didn't want to be 'stuck' with my in laws for hours. SIL also insisted on taking the baby out by herself into an otherwise empty room so she could be alone with the baby. It stressed me out so much. In the end I pulled back completely and wouldn't let the baby out of my sight and reduced visits hugely.

Fuck it. I wouldnt, but in your shoes I would really want to go fuck it and just stop going. She is being a nightmare.

God the baby is 7 months old. Hardly a newborn. You need to speak to your son and find out what the hell is going on

@tiredanddangerous

You go round a few times a week? That's too much.

My thought as well. Cut back to one-two visits per week.

A few friends of mine have really struggled when the GPs repeatedly ask when they can have the grandchildren for the day/stay over (without the parents being there) and it really stresses them out. They weren't ready to be thinking about their baby not being by their side, so they started really resenting these constant requests and it affected their relationships between the GPs. Not sure if that could be part of the issue?

Are you clumsy? Sorry, that's a bit blunt but it's the issue we had with my mom when DC were born, re: holding them. Yes, she had already raised children herself, but she seemed to have forgotten how to hold them safely and resisted advice from us on how to do so! Coupled with the fact she was/is extremely clumsy and accident prone, this meant we had to watch her like a hawk with the kids, purely for safety reasons.
It did upset her, but I'd much rather her be upset than the children be hurt.

Bless you OP, I have all boys and I dread this sort of thing happening when they grow up and have children. You sound lovely. Did you give the child back immediately when the child cried? Or did you try and soothe the child whilst in your arms? I ask because I have read quite a few posts where mothers feel very put out if the child isn’t handed back as soon as they cry…I hope it gets resolved x

Are you being a bit too demanding? All this talk about going over a few times EVERY WEEK, feeding the baby, obsessing about whether it’s awake or not so you can have cuddles, sounds extremely full on and very exhausting for new parents to have to manage. And also why do you think you’re entitled to “have it out with them” which insinuates they are completely in the wrong and you are entirely right. And then accusing them of inviting you around at nap times just so you can’t cuddle the baby is completely ridiculous, the baby is 7 months old, what is routine this week will be different a few weeks later ffs.

You need to chill. You’re not the baby’s parent, you are a grandmother who is being completely and utterly over the top.

You need to speak to your son. Ask him if there is an issue because you have noticed xyz. No point speculating.

I think you are going round too much and they are trying to be subtle about it eg asking you at bedtimes so you don't stay long.

How about asking which day is convenient as you are aware they are tired and busy and need their own family time. Suggest maybe a morning so they can have a bit of a lie in while you can step up and get baby dressed etc

This happened to my mum with my sister in law. They had a really great relationship before SIL had a baby (so close that I honestly was a bit jealous at times). Then SIL had a baby and it was like a switch. I don’t think my mum is perfect but I genuinely don’t think she did anything wrong. I saw when I was there how SIL would happily let me hold baby then as soon as my mum had her SIL would rush in and make an excuse to take her immediately. She was short and snappy with my mum but same old self with everyone else. The atmosphere was horrible. It broke my mums heart. My brother could see it too but found that bringing it up caused arguments and it started to effect their relationship. He hated seeing how hurt mum was but also was in a very difficult situation. Mum just kept visiting whenever she was invited. As niece got older though she naturally started to go to my mum and it was harder for SIL to intercept. It took a long time but eventually things went back to normal and my SIL actually spoke to my mum to apologise for how she’d treated her. She said she couldn’t explain why she’s behaved like that and that there wasn’t a particular reason. She said she knew she was doing it at times but just couldn’t stop. She has been really remorseful since and has spoken to me about how awful she feels. They have a good relationship again now, although it’ll never be quite the same as before, and my mum is close to her granddaughter.

I don’t understand this ‘win over the DIL’ stuff. Your relationship is with your son. Just speak to him and go through him. Don’t lump your DIL with this. It’s your sons responsibility to explain to you and ensure you have time with his child, not your DILs.

Going round a few times a week was there suggestion not mine

No matter what they say, in your shoes I'd be going once a week or once a fortnight. More than once a week is far too much.

Another thing which might be relevant - this happened to me at one time with me DIL and son. I started to feel unwelcome, and when I rang to ask my son what was the problem, it turned out that they were having relationship problems and that his wife felt uncomfortable when I was around . Sometimes there are things happening which you are not aware of - a possibility in a case like yours.

Ultimately its up to them, I would talk to your son about how you feel (being mindful to not bad mouth his wife behind her back). Also don't feel you need to do this- So I go as aks when they say and drop everything to go when its convenient to them regardless of what I'm doing.

@ASkyPaintedGold

Are you clumsy? Sorry, that's a bit blunt but it's the issue we had with my mom when DC were born, re: holding them. Yes, she had already raised children herself, but she seemed to have forgotten how to hold them safely and resisted advice from us on how to do so! Coupled with the fact she was/is extremely clumsy and accident prone, this meant we had to watch her like a hawk with the kids, purely for safety reasons. It did upset her, but I'd much rather her be upset than the children be hurt.

Did she ever drop or injure any of your children though?

I mean I was absurdly cringily precious when my pfb was small but I did in time realise how utterly ridiculous I had been.

Why do they invite you over so much?