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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grannie feeling a little left out.

427 replies

Hall35 · 14/03/2022 21:07

My first GC was born 7 months ago I have a wonderful relationship with both the parents. Initially I was welcomed round had lots of cuddles allowed to feed them etc.
Then something changed and I'm at a loss as to what....I'm now not allowed to hold GC I go round a few times a wk (when it suits parents I don't just turn up!) and at first they clung to their parents but now they get smiley when i go in and reach for me only to have M distract them or move them. They also invite me round at naps times or times when I cant even ask for a cuddle. Gc sleeps at other GM often and they do lots of nice things together (I'd kill for a 10 minute walk round the block ha) I'm not demanding or judgemental with them and havent brought this up as dont want to cause tension but its breaking me.
I brought up my children well and have good relationships with them but baffled as to why I'm being excluded. At first I thought M was just overprotective as all is new mums have been (I was a nightmare ha) but everyone can hold my GC friends family etc just not me.
I have a lot of experience with children due to a huge family and have always been the go to person to have peoples children so I know I am trusted in this respect. OH thinks it's so GC bonds with other GP first and more. If that makes sense? AIBU?? Really struggling without having it out and causing arguments. Do I just keep doing as I'm doing and hopefully all will come good?

OP posts:
Malibuismysecrethome · 16/03/2022 02:57

Sorry but after you started to minimise the visits to once a week they then asked you to come round more often, but you aren’t allowed to speak to the baby or hold it during these visits.
Op for your own mental health don’t engage here, you cannot win. In time they may see the benefit of their child having a loving, caring Nanna but they are making your life impossible at the present time.

LuckySantangelo35 · 16/03/2022 05:33

@Malibuismysecrethome

Sorry but after you started to minimise the visits to once a week they then asked you to come round more often, but you aren’t allowed to speak to the baby or hold it during these visits. Op for your own mental health don’t engage here, you cannot win. In time they may see the benefit of their child having a loving, caring Nanna but they are making your life impossible at the present time.
I know! That’s another thing that’s weird, they don’t want you to even talk to the baby but are instructing you to come round more often. Fuck that. They sound proper weird and highly stung
RedRobin100 · 16/03/2022 07:01

They sound ridiculous and hard work OP

For your own sanity, step back. But tell them calmly and clearly why you’re stepping back, and suggest that they let you know when they feel ready for you to have an actual relationship with your GC and help them when they will need it.

Stop letting them treat you like a mug.

Riseholme · 16/03/2022 07:03

Your ds and dil are just weird.
I have a friend whose ds treated her like this, initially all good and then suddenly banned from even seeing her dgc. Friend was devastated.
Then her dd got pregnant and my friend was so pleased and making plans and her ds suddenly realised that the new baby would get all the attention.
Amazing how quickly granny was welcomed back to the fold.

It’s power games and it’s cruel and nasty.

LuckySantangelo35 · 16/03/2022 08:40

@Riseholme

Your ds and dil are just weird. I have a friend whose ds treated her like this, initially all good and then suddenly banned from even seeing her dgc. Friend was devastated. Then her dd got pregnant and my friend was so pleased and making plans and her ds suddenly realised that the new baby would get all the attention. Amazing how quickly granny was welcomed back to the fold.

It’s power games and it’s cruel and nasty.

@Riseholme That’s awful, your poor friend. What do these people get out of doing this to their mothers/mother in laws? Some weird sense of power?
WordOfTheDay · 16/03/2022 09:37

I remember that my brother and SIL secretly felt that my mother was “rough” with the baby. I imagine that would have led them to reduce the opportunities that they gave her to hold him.

Whether someone is considered “rough” with the baby or not is mostly entirely subjective. Maybe your DS and DIL think (subjectively) that you have rocked, bounced, jiggled or moved about with the baby too briskly, playfully, choppily in the past and feel very uncomfortable with it. I’m sure to you it would just feel like totally normal holding/interacting with a baby.

Ask your DS to be brutally honest with you, otherwise he and she may avoid criticising your way of being to your face at all costs.

Totalwasteofpaper · 16/03/2022 09:41

He asked me not to hold the baby or speak to GC until she was used to me again.

I have a newborn now and this is nuts. Like totally Bonkers.
I would not be wasting my time going over 3 x per week when you still have children yourself!!! To sit and not be able to spend time with your GC.
Leave them off with it and "drop the rope". I'd ack right off and only pop over if it suits you. When I did I'd talk about DS job /,holidays /whatever and barely mention the baby.

WordOfTheDay · 16/03/2022 10:12

Following on from what I just said about maybe they (irrationally) feel that you are a little too rough with the baby, that would tally with them asking you to be patient before holding him again. Maybe they have decided between them that they’ll only be comfortable to give you the baby again for holding and jiggling when he is, in their eyes, more robust, bigger, bonnier.

Calphurnia88 · 16/03/2022 10:16

Maybe they are batshit @LuckySantangelo35. The other possible scenario is that OP has knowingly/unknowingly done something to make DS/DIL feel they need to restrict OPs contact with DGC (it doesn't sound like they feel the need to do this with other family members or friends). We don't know which is correct since we're only hearing OPs version, and there doesn't seem to be enough information to go on.

As I and many others have said, OP needs to speak to DS or (if they are genuinely batshit) step away, if that's what OP wants.

LuckySantangelo35 · 16/03/2022 10:27

@Calphurnia88
But what could she have done that was so terrible? Really? Realistically?

Calphurnia88 · 16/03/2022 10:38

@LuckySantangelo35 as others have suggested, perhaps OP was seen to be too rough with DGC. Or perhaps OP was monopolising 'cuddle time' when baby was giving cues to be fed/changed/with parents/left to their own devices. If I were OP's DS/DIL I would be more direct with OP if either of these were the case, and I would certainly wouldn't send mixed messages by inviting her to come over several times a week (especially if they are limiting contact with DGC - this just seems cruel) - but the point is, none of us on MN can tell the OP what's going on, she needs to have that conversation with her DS.

alltheapples · 16/03/2022 10:59

All the things that I can see that would fairly lead to a couple not wanting a GM to cuddle their baby, are all things that would mean they would not invite the GM over a couple of times a week.

MRex · 16/03/2022 11:11

People who are able to stay firm about not cuddling a baby shouldn't find it hard to say "we don't need a sitter thanks", or "please don't bounce her so hard, she's still a newborn". Not being allowed to talk to the baby veers more into crazy territory. Pleased ask them what the issue is OP, there must be something else.

Mariposista · 16/03/2022 11:14

@Riseholme

Your ds and dil are just weird. I have a friend whose ds treated her like this, initially all good and then suddenly banned from even seeing her dgc. Friend was devastated. Then her dd got pregnant and my friend was so pleased and making plans and her ds suddenly realised that the new baby would get all the attention. Amazing how quickly granny was welcomed back to the fold.

It’s power games and it’s cruel and nasty.

Totally agree with you about power games - why are people so vile. This lady sounds like a normal, loving granny. Why should she be excluded from cuddles (totally normal to want to cuddle your grandchild), and why should she put up with 'you will have plenty of time to bond with GC - she wants to be part of the baby stage and that is totally normal! Ridiculous, highly strung young people playing at being parents.
Calphurnia88 · 16/03/2022 11:29

@Mariposista are you projecting? You seem to have inferred very strong opinions about this couple based on very little (and obviously one sided) background information given by OP.

Blossomtoes · 16/03/2022 11:33

[quote Calphurnia88]@Mariposista are you projecting? You seem to have inferred very strong opinions about this couple based on very little (and obviously one sided) background information given by OP.[/quote]
Well, who wouldn’t? What kind of batshit do you have to be to invite your mum round more often than she wants and then not allow her to speak to or touch her grandchild? If you’re seriously attempting to defend that, you’re as bonkers as they are.

EarlGreywithLemon · 16/03/2022 11:33

I do know someone whose daughter screamed when she was picked up by one of her relatives - two in fact - one of her grandmothers and one of her aunts. The grandmother has looked after several grandkids so it's not lack of experience. But it did put everyone on edge when she was very small. And guess what, now that the little girl is older - a toddler- she has a great relationship with exactly that grandmother.

Could it be something as simple as that?

Calphurnia88 · 16/03/2022 11:45

@Blossomtoes if you read my replies, I'm not trying to defend at all.

I have repeatedly said (as have others) that this is such an extreme reaction - to limit contact with DGC, especially since this rule doesn't seem to apply to others COMBINED with the fact OP is still invited over several times a week - that OP needs to (and can only) get to the bottom of this with DS.

I don't think it's helpful for MNers to project their own negative experiences to OP and assume this is the same... And for balance, that's whether that is a negative experience with a DS, DIL or MIL.

Laiste · 16/03/2022 13:35

Exactly, an open mind is needed here.

I had a weird/unhappy relationship with my xmil. It was not the same situation as OP's but honestly if back then xmil were to have written about it here on MN i expect everyone would have been saying i was a weird evil DIL. She would have given her account of it and that's only ever 50% of the story.

Obvs OP could be MIL from heaven and totally innocent of doing anything to upset the DS and DIL and they are just 100% crackers.

I'd be willing to be the truth is somewhere in the middle, as with most situations.

I do hope OP comes back and lets us know how the chat went with her DS. It would be lovely for this all to have a good outcome.

LuckySantangelo35 · 16/03/2022 23:35

@alltheapples

All the things that I can see that would fairly lead to a couple not wanting a GM to cuddle their baby, are all things that would mean they would not invite the GM over a couple of times a week.
Exactly! If Op had committed some heinous thing which warrants her not being able to pick up or even speak to the baby again then surely they wouldn’t be comfortable with having her over several times a week not least requesting it as they are. Bloody weirdos
Original poster
Hall35 · 27/03/2022 18:51

We had a chat and it boils to mum being anxious of anyone holding baby except her DS and her mum. She is able to say I can't whereas when others grab GC she cant say no
Not ideal obviously. And they were totally oblivious the the hurt I was feeling. So now I go less and have quality time over quantity and take mums lead on whether to hold GC or not but I do now always interact regardless. Baby steps are needed I think but I hope and pray we are heading in the right direction

OP posts:
ComeOnNow21 · 27/03/2022 19:48

Sounds like a positive development OP. Good on you for continually being so empathetic.

Sswhinesthebest · 27/03/2022 22:39

That’s a good update. Has she seen the doctor as it’s most certainly pnd. A relative was very similar.

maddening · 27/03/2022 22:58

I think also the dils mum will be there to see her dd as much as the baby, I do find that mils only being there to see dc can be off putting. I would work on the relationship with your dil.

Calphurnia88 · 27/03/2022 23:08

There's been a lot of emphasis on 'holding the baby' - at 7 months, is there opportunity to make the interactions with DGC more playful?