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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grannie feeling a little left out.

427 replies

Hall35 · 14/03/2022 21:07

My first GC was born 7 months ago I have a wonderful relationship with both the parents. Initially I was welcomed round had lots of cuddles allowed to feed them etc.
Then something changed and I'm at a loss as to what....I'm now not allowed to hold GC I go round a few times a wk (when it suits parents I don't just turn up!) and at first they clung to their parents but now they get smiley when i go in and reach for me only to have M distract them or move them. They also invite me round at naps times or times when I cant even ask for a cuddle. Gc sleeps at other GM often and they do lots of nice things together (I'd kill for a 10 minute walk round the block ha) I'm not demanding or judgemental with them and havent brought this up as dont want to cause tension but its breaking me.
I brought up my children well and have good relationships with them but baffled as to why I'm being excluded. At first I thought M was just overprotective as all is new mums have been (I was a nightmare ha) but everyone can hold my GC friends family etc just not me.
I have a lot of experience with children due to a huge family and have always been the go to person to have peoples children so I know I am trusted in this respect. OH thinks it's so GC bonds with other GP first and more. If that makes sense? AIBU?? Really struggling without having it out and causing arguments. Do I just keep doing as I'm doing and hopefully all will come good?

OP posts:
LightSpeeds · 14/03/2022 21:33

If the mother is your daughter-in-law I'd ask your son for an honest answer about what's going on.

Don't be surprised if she just doesn't like you being around, just because...

Not letting you hold your own grandchild sounds cruel and weird.

Original poster
Hall35 · 14/03/2022 21:33

No fingers in mouths etc 🙈 I was asked to come round few times a week but to not hold them as they needed to get used to me. So I go as aks when they say and drop everything to go when its convenient to them regardless of what I'm doing. (Doesnt always go down well with the family ar home) I dont hold them,try to not be in their face try to just smile to not be full on but honestly it breaks my heart I just want to scoop them up for a cuddle. I also do not out all blame on dil it is totally coming from both

OP posts:
Eims88 · 14/03/2022 21:35

OP I'm sorry, this sounds awful. How cruel of them.

JustWonderingIfYou · 14/03/2022 21:35

Super strong perfume or awful BO?

I hate when my DS smells of other peoples perfume.

Original poster
Hall35 · 14/03/2022 21:37

Same perfume I've always wore and I promise I'm not stinky haha

OP posts:
CookieMunch · 14/03/2022 21:38

What did they ask you? Had the mother mentioned any anxieties around baby catching illnesses? Have you expressed any covid conspiracy theories or are you spending lots of time in places that would be considered high risk for covid? Are you sure your DIL is happy and excited to have you there so frequently? Are you sure she would say if she wasn’t? Or is she one of those who is too polite and doesn’t like the conflict? It could be a lot of things. You’ve not given much info to go on really. You could just ask your ds if something is wrong when you next on your own with him.

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 14/03/2022 21:41

Just ask can I have a cuddle!?

Original poster
Hall35 · 14/03/2022 21:42

Mum.is anxious about illness but I am not constantly in social.situations they probably are more than me I have had both my vaccinations etc. I always wash hands when I go in. This all started when baby cried on me once when I held them. As new parents i think they were over anxious when they cried but I sure I am not the only person the baby has cried on.

OP posts:
CookieMunch · 14/03/2022 21:42

What happened last time you were allowed to hold baby? We’re you asked to give baby back? What happened then? Were any comments made that you maybe didn’t take much notice about at the time but could indicate mum or dad was uncomfortable?

Gizacluethen · 14/03/2022 21:42

Just back off a little. I definitely became less comfortable with people who felt grabby. A few times a week is too much I think. Just let it naturally develop, nothing needs forcing. If you see a child often and are a fun person then they'll like you so don't make a big deal of it.

picklemewalnuts · 14/03/2022 21:43

Whatever the underlying reason, try not to stress about it disappointing though it is. In the medium/longer term, the baby knowing the other grandma best isn't going to make any difference. My D.C. strongly preferred/were more comfortable with my parents at least until their teens. They just felt more settled and familiar to them, despite knowing DH's family better as they lived much closer.

Keep the peace, wait it out. Though that doesn't mean you shouldn't ask in case it's something easily fixable.

Instead of asking why you can't hold the baby, perhaps you could sat that you've realised that there must be something about you that's making the baby's parents uncomfortable with you holding him/her, and ask 'what it is in case it's something you can fix'.

Original poster
Hall35 · 14/03/2022 21:43

@Whatsonmymindgrapes

Just ask can I have a cuddle!?
I think that's what I'm going to have to do
OP posts:
CookieMunch · 14/03/2022 21:44

What did you do when the baby cried? And what did the parents do or say?

Original poster
Hall35 · 14/03/2022 21:44

@picklemewalnuts

Whatever the underlying reason, try not to stress about it disappointing though it is. In the medium/longer term, the baby knowing the other grandma best isn't going to make any difference. My D.C. strongly preferred/were more comfortable with my parents at least until their teens. They just felt more settled and familiar to them, despite knowing DH's family better as they lived much closer.

Keep the peace, wait it out. Though that doesn't mean you shouldn't ask in case it's something easily fixable.

Instead of asking why you can't hold the baby, perhaps you could sat that you've realised that there must be something about you that's making the baby's parents uncomfortable with you holding him/her, and ask 'what it is in case it's something you can fix'.

This is great advice thank you
OP posts:
Original poster
Hall35 · 14/03/2022 21:45

@CookieMunch

What did you do when the baby cried? And what did the parents do or say?
Took gc straight off me before I had chance to settle them
OP posts:
Totalwasteofpaper · 14/03/2022 21:46

You are doing something they (your DIL in particular probably) doesn't like.

I recommend working on your relationship with her. Extensively.
She will likely be a gatekeeper so you need to get her onside.
Bring her over flowers/ a cake or whatever when you pop in.
Ask how she is.
Ask how you can help her (picking up some shopping, taking something to the post office or bank whatever )

I'd also stop wearing a perfume for visits people are funny about it with babies.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/03/2022 21:47

Did you give the baby back when they cried if that’s what the parents wanted?

Freddiefox · 14/03/2022 21:47

Aww that sounds really sad, and you sound nice.

Just give it time, I think dil can often hold mils at arms length for many reasons, and they often get blamed or sidelined. I think they also often want their mums to be the favourite.

Just sit tight and see how it plays out.

If it continues ask you son. Just keep things nice and breezy with dil.
The Dynamic will change.

Totalwasteofpaper · 14/03/2022 21:48

You should not try and settle the baby you should be handing it straight back to its mother.
"Uh oh! Someone isn't happy! Do you want to take her or will I give her to son?"

Original poster
Hall35 · 14/03/2022 21:48

@AnneLovesGilbert

Did you give the baby back when they cried if that’s what the parents wanted?
Of course! It's their baby as experienced as I am with children they know their own child best.
OP posts:
Original poster
Hall35 · 14/03/2022 21:51

@Totalwasteofpaper

You are doing something they (your DIL in particular probably) doesn't like.

I recommend working on your relationship with her. Extensively.
She will likely be a gatekeeper so you need to get her onside.
Bring her over flowers/ a cake or whatever when you pop in.
Ask how she is.
Ask how you can help her (picking up some shopping, taking something to the post office or bank whatever )

I'd also stop wearing a perfume for visits people are funny about it with babies.

Dil and I have (normally) a wonderful relationship. We used to do a lot together without my DS I'm trying to do that again without being to demanding
OP posts:
PollyAnnie · 14/03/2022 21:51

Some quite passive aggressive questioning going here.....

OP, this sounds awful. Hopefully resolves soon. Parents should feel grateful and lucky that their child has two Grannys who love them and want to be there. Shame on them if they're letting some of the petty reasons listed below to stop you bonding with the child... such as your perfume, not handing the child back quick enough etc. Ridiculous.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/03/2022 21:51

I give up! Smile

It seems there’s nothing at all that you could have done to upset them so I think all you can do is have a calm chat and see what’s up from their POV.

Summerfun54321 · 14/03/2022 21:53

Perfume too strong? My grandma wore such strong perfume it made my baby son’s eyes water so I avoided handing him over to her.

SarahAndQuack · 14/03/2022 21:54

I wonder if it's nothing to do with you, but to do with the baby?

I reckon maybe when you say they were happy for you to hold and feed the baby at the start, that was that stage you get when you've got a newborn and you're really excited. You want everyone to see, don't you?

Then the tiredness hits and you lose the plot a little. If your son keeps asking you over when the baby is asleep, it could be he just wants his mum, and to have some chance of a normal chat? Or maybe your DIL wants to give the impression she's all sorted, you don't need to do anything, etc. etc. I know everyone is different, but personally, I do remember feeling really nervous that people would judge me if I weren't completely together when DD was little - perhaps your DIL feels like that with you, but more able to let her hair down with her mum?

It could very well be that what seems to you like them keeping you at a distance, is what your DIL's mother sees as them roping her in too much and giving her all the difficult jobs. You've already done all of this: you've been a mum of a baby, and it might be they worry you will think they're doing it wrong, or not doing it how you'd do it.