Grannie feeling a little left out.

[Hall35]

My first GC was born 7 months ago I have a wonderful relationship with both the parents. Initially I was welcomed round had lots of cuddles allowed to feed them etc.
Then something changed and I'm at a loss as to what....I'm now not allowed to hold GC I go round a few times a wk (when it suits parents I don't just turn up!) and at first they clung to their parents but now they get smiley when i go in and reach for me only to have M distract them or move them. They also invite me round at naps times or times when I cant even ask for a cuddle. Gc sleeps at other GM often and they do lots of nice things together (I'd kill for a 10 minute walk round the block ha) I'm not demanding or judgemental with them and havent brought this up as dont want to cause tension but its breaking me.
I brought up my children well and have good relationships with them but baffled as to why I'm being excluded. At first I thought M was just overprotective as all is new mums have been (I was a nightmare ha) but everyone can hold my GC friends family etc just not me.
I have a lot of experience with children due to a huge family and have always been the go to person to have peoples children so I know I am trusted in this respect. OH thinks it's so GC bonds with other GP first and more. If that makes sense? AIBU?? Really struggling without having it out and causing arguments. Do I just keep doing as I'm doing and hopefully all will come good?

Anyway in your shoes OP, I'd take a step back. Stop dropping everything when they summon you, tell them you're busy. And tell your son you don't feel welcome so you're backing off for a bit.

When i had my DD I took an irrational dislike to my in-laws. They are perfectly nice people (we probably don’t agree on a bunch of things but they are well meaning) who love their GD. Yet I felt really territorial and was easily offended. I don’t know if it was hormonal but it took me about 18 months to get past. I don’t know if it’s subconscious - i think on one level it was a bit of “she’s one of mine not yours”. I think people tend to trust their own tribe more (unless they have very good reason not to). Having a baby is in many ways the start of some quite primal, strong feelings and some of it is not rational.

You keep rubbing in how experienced you are with kids, how you know better than to do this or that, how you expressly follow all the steps they outline....you must be irritating her to death. Forget how competent and experienced you are and just relax and be a granny. You may be posturing like this entirely unconciously or maybe its part of your personality to be very competent, confident and take charge. Just back off and dim your lights for a bit. Shes the mum, its her new family and of course youre part of the wider adventure of the extended loving family, but maybe she feels your manner feels like its like youre trying to take charge? Most of us are not very self aware of how we come across to others and your confusion seems to maybe point to this. Just calm down a bit. You do sound a bit full on to be honest. I dont say this to be hurtful, but you have to find a middle way to be part of the next 20 years of family life, and unfortunately it syou who will have to fit in, not the other way around. Good luck, you sound like you have a good heart!

I’m so sorry you are going through this.

My DIL is expecting her first child.

Before she announced that she was expecting, I had sussed it out, morning sickness was a bit of a giveaway and at a family wedding she couldn’t drink as she was taking antibiotics for a random infection!

Anyhow, the announcement was made on Christmas Day,

I am delighted for my son and his wife but the reality is I will barely see the child, don’t foresee having a strong attachment with the child and my heart breaks.
For my own self preservation I don’t have high expectations of lots of contact , I have accepted, that the maternal gran will be the favoured one, infact, the maternal great grandparents, aunts and cousins, will all come in front of me.

It’s very sad, but I think it’s part and parcel of being the paternal grandmother.

Step back

Go round once a week

@Rinatinabina

When i had my DD I took an irrational dislike to my in-laws. They are perfectly nice people (we probably don’t agree on a bunch of things but they are well meaning) who love their GD. Yet I felt really territorial and was easily offended. I don’t know if it was hormonal but it took me about 18 months to get past. I don’t know if it’s subconscious - i think on one level it was a bit of “she’s one of mine not yours”. I think people tend to trust their own tribe more (unless they have very good reason not to). Having a baby is in many ways the start of some quite primal, strong feelings and some of it is not rational.

I was exactly the same - my in laws were too full on which didn't help but looking back I was definitely irrational. It didn't affect the kids relationship with their paternal grandparents though

@Loveagingernut why do you foresee that? What relationship do you have with your son and DIL?

I’m a new mum and can be proper fussy about things, it’s huge becoming a mum and I’m working it out as I go, I can imagine I might be a bit of a nightmare sometimes to my mil. I’d suggest stepping back a bit, say take the visits down to once a week or once every two. Speak to your son on your own when possible. It will be fine, your his grandma and as long as your as decent as you seen here they’ll want you to have a relationship with GC.

I like @JenniferBarkley wording.

Having a baby is in many ways the start of some quite primal, strong feelings and some of it is not rational.

I completely agree! I tried to include MIL as much as I could from the very start, but she irritated me so much. It passed and now my kids are as close to her as my own DM. Things change, they’re not set in stone.

Hang in there, hopefully it’ll get better! X

@Rinatinabina

When i had my DD I took an irrational dislike to my in-laws. They are perfectly nice people (we probably don’t agree on a bunch of things but they are well meaning) who love their GD. Yet I felt really territorial and was easily offended. I don’t know if it was hormonal but it took me about 18 months to get past. I don’t know if it’s subconscious - i think on one level it was a bit of “she’s one of mine not yours”. I think people tend to trust their own tribe more (unless they have very good reason not to). Having a baby is in many ways the start of some quite primal, strong feelings and some of it is not rational.

This is such an interesting insight. I was the same but have never really thought about it in this way - you have articulated something very true and wise here!

I think it's connected to your reaction when the baby cried the last time you held it.

You've said in reply to one question that they took the baby off you before you had chance to settle it. In reply to a later question of did you hand the baby back straight away, you said of course, they know best.

There's a subtle difference in those answers. You may not even realise it but I suspect you appeared reluctant to hand the baby straight back, and this fits with how you describe yourself as experienced and respected in relation to child rearing.

As a new mum, I'd have reacted in the same way the baby's parents are.

Left field suggestion:

Could it be that Parents are very anxious and don't actually want anyone to hold the baby? You know others have but perhaps they didn't ask or parents didn't feel able to say no.

Maybe you are the only person who is actually listening to and respecting their wishes hence you visit more than anyone else.

I agree with others that you probably need to chat with them to put your own mind at rest and "fix" anything that you're unaware of but it sounds like you're doing all the right things.

I think the asking outright to have a cuddle in a light-hearted way could work. And if they say "no" you can say "I've noticed X, Y, and Z have had cuddles. Is there anything I can do to make you feel more comfortable? I'd love to hold Baby and help with their care when you feel you need it"

This is hurtful OP. Speak to your son. Not in a ‘have it out’ way, just a calm chat.

For those with boys that worry about this … my DDs have always been closer to my in laws than my mum. It’s not always the case that paternal grandparents are favoured.

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping

Ask yourself honestly if there could be reasons.. Do you smoke? Have a hairy ddog /dcat and hairy clothes? Have a sold core? Offered some odd advice in the past? Maybe try speak to your ds alone and ask why you are being sidelined..

Great post to prompt some self awareness

When I read threads like this I realise how lucky I am that my dil is such a lovely, sensible human being. She has always given us as PILs open access to our gc.She is very close to her own mother and that is normal, but I hope we have a civilised, affectionate relationship in which we respect each other.

I wasn’t close to my MIL and tbh she wasn’t very involved with my children, but I was fond of her and if she had wanted more time with them I would have been happy to have her around. Reading Mumsnet as a MIL I do think some new mothers seem to have got far more intense about motherhood than we were decades ago; perhaps it did go on but not with anybody I knew. Feels sometimes as though baby access is being used to pay off scores against MILs, often in a battle MIL isn’t aware she’s part of.

@SushiRice

Honestly the preoccupation with the need to have "a cuddle" feels suffocating just from reading these messages.

I agree. Not suggesting it’s in any way unique to you, OP, but the whole cuddle obsessive thing i see on here is both irritating and quite weird — why does it matter who’s physically holding the baby?

Is it not perfectly possible they simply have no idea you’re dying to hold the baby? To new parents who are literally holding the baby all the time, it might seem like a weird thing to be fixated on…?

@angstridden2

When I read threads like this I realise how lucky I am that my dil is such a lovely, sensible human being. She has always given us as PILs open access to our gc.She is very close to her own mother and that is normal, but I hope we have a civilised, affectionate relationship in which we respect each other.

I wasn’t close to my MIL and tbh she wasn’t very involved with my children, but I was fond of her and if she had wanted more time with them I would have been happy to have her around. Reading Mumsnet as a MIL I do think some new mothers seem to have got far more intense about motherhood than we were decades ago; perhaps it did go on but not with anybody I knew. Feels sometimes as though baby access is being used to pay off scores against MILs, often in a battle MIL isn’t aware she’s part of.

Maybe it’s not your DIL? Maybe you’re fabulous.

It does seem strange but it won’t be long till they are walking and interacting with you of their own accord.

@WildNorthEast

A few friends of mine have really struggled when the GPs repeatedly ask when they can have the grandchildren for the day/stay over (without the parents being there) and it really stresses them out. They weren't ready to be thinking about their baby not being by their side, so they started really resenting these constant requests and it affected their relationships between the GPs. Not sure if that could be part of the issue?

This was the case for me.

@toomuchlaundry

My son and DIL live 2 hour drive from the town they were both brought up in.
My sons work takes him all over the world, for long periods of time, so for example he is currently away for approx 5 months.

When he is away, DiL will return to visit her family for weekends. In 5 years, she has popped in to see us twice when she returns home. I am never invited to their house when my son is away working.
I don’t see this changing.
However, when my son is on leave, then hopefully, this is when we will see our grandchild as we have a fabulous relationship with him and I can’t see him excluding us.

I think something has happened or you’re making them feel a certain way. My MIL would probably write as you are, with complete unawareness of the tension she brings to our house. She sits in my personal space, watches my every move with my children and questions their diet, how we comfort them, their routines, hesitates to hand them back when I ask for them and hovers with this nervous and frantic energy to pick them up. It sets me and DH on edge and she is oblivious to how she comes across. Fortunately DH sees it and other family members have validated how difficult it must be. Covid was a blessing in disguise for our relationship with her, as it forced some space and we’ve now found a more comfortable length of time for visits and frequency.

I would take a step back on visits to fortnightly. Don’t make yourself so available - it might feel suffocating to them that you drop everything for the grandchild. It will make those visits more meaningful. Have other interests and things going on to talk about. Take the pressure off that relationship. And don’t fixate on holding the baby. Read books to them, sit on the floor next to them and play alongside. Don’t fixate on having them on your lap. Sitting in the company of someone who you know is looking for every opportunity to pick your child up is unrelaxing. As a mum I just want relatives and friends to enjoy watching my child at play and play alongside them, not be looking sad on the sofa because I hadn’t passed my crawling and wriggly 6 month old to be held against their will.

I’m not saying you are doing those things. I also think it’s a great idea to speak to your son and just say that you’re sensing something isn’t right, is there something you can do to make your visits more comfortable? I wish my MIL would have asked that early on.

Apologies if you've answered this OP but the thing I noticed is you go over there several times a week, and the child "sleeps at" the other GM. Do you ever offer to babysit rather than always visit at their place?

My MIL has only ever come to us, but my mum will give us a break by having the kids. Consequently we bite her hand off when she wants to see them, whereas MIL feels like more of a chore as we feel we need to host.

None of above would explain or excuse refusing you a hold! But just a thought.

You say you stuck to everything they asked you to do - what exactly did they ask you?

It's totally normal to want to cuddle your GC ,you'd never know it from reading the posts on here though!

Just because you’re double jabbed doesn’t mean you can’t catch and pass on covid. I ask people to lateral flow test before seeing me due to newborn. Could it be this?