Grannie feeling a little left out.

[Hall35]

My first GC was born 7 months ago I have a wonderful relationship with both the parents. Initially I was welcomed round had lots of cuddles allowed to feed them etc.
Then something changed and I'm at a loss as to what....I'm now not allowed to hold GC I go round a few times a wk (when it suits parents I don't just turn up!) and at first they clung to their parents but now they get smiley when i go in and reach for me only to have M distract them or move them. They also invite me round at naps times or times when I cant even ask for a cuddle. Gc sleeps at other GM often and they do lots of nice things together (I'd kill for a 10 minute walk round the block ha) I'm not demanding or judgemental with them and havent brought this up as dont want to cause tension but its breaking me.
I brought up my children well and have good relationships with them but baffled as to why I'm being excluded. At first I thought M was just overprotective as all is new mums have been (I was a nightmare ha) but everyone can hold my GC friends family etc just not me.
I have a lot of experience with children due to a huge family and have always been the go to person to have peoples children so I know I am trusted in this respect. OH thinks it's so GC bonds with other GP first and more. If that makes sense? AIBU?? Really struggling without having it out and causing arguments. Do I just keep doing as I'm doing and hopefully all will come good?

I don't know. I agree with a PP who mentioned something about withdrawing from people who felt to "grabby" - perhaps daughter in law feels as if you visiting so often is annoying so is becoming resentful? You said it's their decision but is it really their or your sons? You're his mum so lovely for him to have you round but maybe daughter in law is feeling suffocated?

That's the only thing I can think of anyway. I have a grandparent who is just so overbearing always loud and in my daughters face, trying to grab her for cuddles when we're just trying to get on with our daily business and it's just annoying. Got to the point where I'd just avoid her tbh.

I couldn't bear anyone picking up any of mine and cuddling them it put me on edge and I had to bite my tongue to stop myself saying "Put the baby down, NOW".
I found it unsettled them and they settled and slept better if it was just me or DH who held them.
Perhaps your DIL is the same?. I have (sadly) no grandchildren but even if I did would not pick them up unless asked to.

You sound lovely op. Just hold on in there. If you had a previously good relationship it will right itself. I don't know about the flowers/cake advice but maybe a gentle supportive comment to the mum (out of earshot of ds) "you're doing so brilliantly, and it's not a bed of roses no matter how gorgeous they are" followed on by "would it be ok if I made us all some tea before I go" kind of thing.

I agree you should ask for a cuddle.

My own MIL was a dote, but I found early motherhood very difficult and pushed everyone away. She was always so kind to me (sometimes infuriatingly so) and looking back, I could kick myself but there we are.
It all felt so smothering, and it was easier to push dh's family back. It wasn't them, it was just learning to be a mother was the difficulty at the time.

I'm wondering if your DIL/DS are actually looking for you to provide adult company for them?
Being first time parents can actually be quite isolating if you're used to working/socialising and suddenly everything is centred around the baby.
It could actually be a positive thing, where they look forward to putting the baby out of the way and seeing YOU and have some grown up/non-baby time and conversation; have you ever looked at it that way?

Honestly the preoccupation with the need to have "a cuddle" feels suffocating just from reading these messages.

Only thing I can think of is do you walk off with the baby out of sight? My mil used to take my daughter into other rooms so I couldn't see her. I know she was fine with her GM but I wasn't comfortable at that time

Pp phrased a really great way of asking what's going on. Maybe you will just need to ask your son

@Totalwasteofpaper

You are doing something they (your DIL in particular probably) doesn't like.

I recommend working on your relationship with her. Extensively.
She will likely be a gatekeeper so you need to get her onside.
Bring her over flowers/ a cake or whatever when you pop in.
Ask how she is.
Ask how you can help her (picking up some shopping, taking something to the post office or bank whatever )

I'd also stop wearing a perfume for visits people are funny about it with babies.

The thing she is doing that the DIL doesn't like is being her MIL, presumably her own mother has none of these problems and is seen as a saint. The suggestions here seem to imply that the OP has to buy access to her own grandchild.

You should not try and settle the baby you should be handing it straight back to its mother.

Tell that to me SIL. I passed DN back when she cried. SIL tutted at me...

I think you should speak to your son, in a non-confrontational way. ", I've noticed you two don't like me holding GC. Did I do something to worry you? I've been wracking my brain but I can't think of anything, I'm sure whatever it is I can work on it or avoid repeating it."

Don't be confrontational, treat them as a unit don't blame DIL. None of us can say - perhaps you did something they didn't like, perhaps they're completely irrational.

We would have stirct guidelines around visit times etc I have a 17month old and a 4yo. So after my youngest was born we said no visitors after 7pm. We would find some people who visit get our kids hyper and hard to settle afterwards. Also incident where mil was questioning my daughter about school and friends etc and I had to intervene and not leave them unsupervised. I don't mind chats about school etc but not " who are your friends and where do they live etc"

Have a word with your son on this own trying to be dispassionate and factual.

Unfortunately my mil gets terribly upset and says things like 'traumatised', 'devastated' and therefore is hard to reason with.

But also she doesnt ever listen. I tell her what's she does wrong and she dents it. Any problem I have she just retorts with my personality flaws.

So i think avoiding mum might be a good idea. I wish my mil and dh sorted things between them. But I'm sure it will pass. You sound nice. The thing is to stay present. They grow up really fast and the DC will bond with you whatever if your there and caring.

I would ask the question in a nice non confrontational way. It annoys me how some people on this thread immediately think you have done something wrong. DS and DIL are adults and you would hope if you were doing something they didn’t like they would have the balls to at least tell you. Freezing you out and making you feel unsure is just cruel.

It’s very hard being a grandparent…from the grandparents side and the parents side…. Sometimes grandparents can make you feel like you don’t know what you’re doing without meaning to….My son is VSN and the advice I’ve been given over the years has been accepted with a slight grin haha

My in laws held my baby plenty but I didn’t like it:

• MIL wore extremely strong perfume before she came, even more than she usually did. It was a fug around her and clung to the baby all day
• I liked to comfort my own baby when they cried. MIL was extremely reluctant to give the baby back to me to comfort. I almost had to wrestle/ask. It was all about enabling MIL and taking photos of them. I was exhausted and just wanted to hold my own child, maybe be looked after a little.

I still let her hold the baby because it made her happy, but it definitely would have helped if she’d been receptive to a conversation about it.

@Totalwasteofpaper

You are doing something they (your DIL in particular probably) doesn't like.

I recommend working on your relationship with her. Extensively.
She will likely be a gatekeeper so you need to get her onside.
Bring her over flowers/ a cake or whatever when you pop in.
Ask how she is.
Ask how you can help her (picking up some shopping, taking something to the post office or bank whatever )

I'd also stop wearing a perfume for visits people are funny about it with babies.

This. If you want to have a good relationship with your GC, you'll have to get pally with mum. Especially since she's your DIL, and not your daughter obvs. Very different dynamic altogether.

Oh @Hall35, I really feel for you. It must be so hard to be with your grandchild and not be able cuddle them, especially when they’re reaching out to you. I agree the @Clarabe1, it’s the only way you can approach it. I really hope you can sort it out, it sounds so upsetting.

You say this is your first grandchild, one grandchild, and then go on talking about them and they. I'm confused by that. I'm sorry you feel hurt but if you go around a few times a week, at your grandchild's parents suggestion, you see the child quite a lot compared to most people..

I'd just leave things as they are for now. Don't be over the top about wanting to cuddle, feed, etc, that could be a bit much and makes you appear obsessive and desperate. When he or she is a bit older the situation will be different but for now, calm down and don't feel as though you are in competition with the other grandmother. You don't know the ins and outs of that relationship.

I feel how hurt you are OP, and I feel really sorry for you. Sadly, rather than analysing yourself (you sound like a lovely granny who just wants to be a part of new GC's life), this sounds like power play on your DIL's part. I'm in charge, all on my terms Bla Bla bla. Sadly so many young women are now like that, and it's anything to get one over on their MIL. I'm so sorry, I had a brilliant, close bond with my own grandmother, saw her almost every day, and I'd love my own kids to have that.

I haven’t read the full thread (but have read the OPs posts).

There will be something (whether rational or.” not) that has caused their change in behaviour - people don’t just change for no reason.

The one thing I would say is that comparing your relationship with GC to your DiL’s parents’ relationship is not a good idea, especially not with the baby being so young. My MiL does this, lots of comments about my parents being the “most favoured grandparents”. The truth is my parents did see a lot more of our daughter during her first year but that was because I had PND and was lonely during maternity leave - it wasn’t about wanting my parents to be the primary grandparents, it was because I needed my mum and dad’s support. No matter how good your relationship with your DiL is she may just want her own mum.

Now my PND is (mostly) recovered and if anything we see MiL more than my parents but hearing her complain when we see them just makes me want to see her less. No one wants to be criticised for seeking support from their family. I’m not suggesting you’ve done this but as it’s in your OP I think if you do speak to them about why their behaviour has changed you should avoid comparisons.

That sounds really difficult op. I feel sorry for you.
I hope you can work something out with your ds and dil.

I think if MIL visited us a few times a week I would go crazy!
As a new mum I personally find it suffocating having people wanting to come round weekly.
I want to chill with my baby, get to know them, help them learn, sit in whatever clothes I want and not worry about the housework that needs doing.
To have someone wanting to come round every week, several times to 'cuddle the baby' would drive me mad.
Appreciate not everyone feels like this though, so each to their own.

When we see MIL/FIL they are very much in babys face. They come in, bypass DH and I and make an immediate dive on DD.
They do nothing to help us. They wont even go and make themselves a tea or take their dirty cups out.
Instead they demand 'a cuddle' where we have to present DD to them, in a suitable position to be held (because they dont seem to be able to switch positions of her on their own). They then just look at her.
They dont talk to her, they wont read to her. No singing. No playing.
Just expect her to lay flat in their arms while having endless photos taken of them and her (never us).
They also have no clue how to calm her when she gets irritable and then refuse to give her back.

For these reasons, I dont like them holding her. I let them, briefly, because im not a monster, but it makes me feel very uncomfortable seeing my child upset with people shoving a camera in her face while she is crying.

Speak to your family. There has likely been something happen that you may not perceive as an issue and its made them uncomfortable.
I wouldnt go in asking to cuddle the baby when its clear there is something wrong, that could spark more frustrations.

@Mariposista that’s the thing- it’s the kids that miss out. When I was little I adored my Nana ( my Dads mum) and would literally run to her for a cuddle. I would hate to have been deprived of those memories. My mum didn’t always see eye to eye with her MIL but she was big enough to never allow that to interfere in the relationship between us and our Nana. Kids should not be used to make a point or as a weapon.

@Bromse

You say this is your first grandchild, one grandchild, and then go on talking about them and they. I'm confused by that. I'm sorry you feel hurt but if you go around a few times a week, at your grandchild's parents suggestion, you see the child quite a lot compared to most people..

I'd just leave things as they are for now. Don't be over the top about wanting to cuddle, feed, etc, that could be a bit much and makes you appear obsessive and desperate. When he or she is a bit older the situation will be different but for now, calm down and don't feel as though you are in competition with the other grandmother. You don't know the ins and outs of that relationship.

Its pretty clear that op is keeping the language neutral to avoid saying the baby's sex.

Op definitely try just asking, maybe they think it's weird that you haven't.

There has to be a reason for this whether its something you've unwittingly done, or something the parents have an issue with, but you'll never find out unless you ask