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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Grannie feeling a little left out.

427 replies

Hall35 · 14/03/2022 21:07

My first GC was born 7 months ago I have a wonderful relationship with both the parents. Initially I was welcomed round had lots of cuddles allowed to feed them etc.
Then something changed and I'm at a loss as to what....I'm now not allowed to hold GC I go round a few times a wk (when it suits parents I don't just turn up!) and at first they clung to their parents but now they get smiley when i go in and reach for me only to have M distract them or move them. They also invite me round at naps times or times when I cant even ask for a cuddle. Gc sleeps at other GM often and they do lots of nice things together (I'd kill for a 10 minute walk round the block ha) I'm not demanding or judgemental with them and havent brought this up as dont want to cause tension but its breaking me.
I brought up my children well and have good relationships with them but baffled as to why I'm being excluded. At first I thought M was just overprotective as all is new mums have been (I was a nightmare ha) but everyone can hold my GC friends family etc just not me.
I have a lot of experience with children due to a huge family and have always been the go to person to have peoples children so I know I am trusted in this respect. OH thinks it's so GC bonds with other GP first and more. If that makes sense? AIBU?? Really struggling without having it out and causing arguments. Do I just keep doing as I'm doing and hopefully all will come good?

OP posts:

lulabelled · 14/03/2022 21:55

I had similar with my sister and her baby. Was at a complete loss at what I had done. DN is now 4 and we are very close. I think my sister had anxiety something was going to happen to her baby and was very overprotective. It wasn't personal (although it felt personal at the time). You are probably seeing other people holding the baby from Facebook/ social media and therefore only seeing a very small snapshot. The reality might be that they are not really holding/interacting with your grandson either. My MIL never ever offered to have my baby/hold/look after and I found it hard to ask. It could even be something as simple as that. Maybe speak to DIL and gently ask have you done something, because if you have, you wish to put it right.

CookieMunch · 14/03/2022 21:55

It does sound like something is making them uncomfortable. But it’s very hard to say what. Will your ds not be honest with you if you have a 121 chat with him? I think you need a heart to heart with him. He really needs to start telling you if things are bothering him and/or DIL or there’ll be no end of tension and difficulties. I’d really work on this with him. I agree with PP too about working on your relationship with your DIL too. I do think it’s pretty cruel not to allow cuddles so I really hope you can work it out between you fairly soon!

HoyaSaxa · 14/03/2022 21:55

They sound over anxious and I suspect they have worked themselves up into thinking you and the baby don’t get on. (Which is ridiculous. I strongly suspect that this is their problem, and nothing to do with you.)

However, in terms s of practical advice.,.

Talk to your son; don’t be dramatic, just say what you would really like is a little cuddle with your grandchild, maybe once a week or fortnight. You hope that’s not too much. How can you work together to make that happen?

And wait… are they planning go to have more children? They will be very happy to have another pair of hands when the next one comes along.

And don’t worry… the GC will not see it as a competition between grandparents. They will love you because of who you are.

Oh, and lay off the perfume. Even if it is the one you have always used.

SarahAndQuack · 14/03/2022 21:56

I know what I'm saying might sound odd, but honestly, I have a really firm memory of feeling gutted that my DD was screaming when mum came over, because I felt as if it showed I was a bad mother. I honestly believed I ought to have a cute, sleeping baby tucked away in a crib when she visited. It was daft.

milkyaqua · 14/03/2022 21:57

You don't know, MN is not psychic, you are going to have to take your son aside and gently ask him what you're doing wrong.

Freddiefox · 14/03/2022 21:57

Honestly op you can’t do right for doing wrong. I feel sorry for you.

Original poster

Hall35 · 14/03/2022 21:59

@Freddiefox

Honestly op you can’t do right for doing wrong. I feel sorry for you.

Thank you. To be honest been nice to have some different opinions from unbiased people. I will take them all on board. Wish me luck.🥰

OP posts:

LethargeMarg · 14/03/2022 22:01

I agree with others suggesting just to go round once a week. Maybe almost need to do this to make a point they're being a bit ott without actually saying anything - just make other plans you can't change. May also make them not take it for granted that you are at their beck and call, and I'm assuming this is a young baby? Once they're a bit more awake and alert (over six months) you'll probably find it's naturally easier to interact with gc and the parents will hopefully relax a bit.
I found my in laws very overbearing (not at all saying you are but just giving the other viewpoint) but I was full of hormones and overwhelmed and overprotective during the first few months . Once my baby was a bit more mobile I was a bit more chilled out and glad if an extra pair of hands. My kids gave a great relationship with both sets of grandparents .

Freddiefox · 14/03/2022 22:02

Hall35

Good luck, I was a bit narky with my mil when mine were little, she’s didn’t do anything wrong, but we get on great now. So give it time.

worriedatthistime · 14/03/2022 22:06

Why don't you talk to your son about this and ask why and explain how your finding it upsetting and don't understand what you have done wrong etc

Mrsmch123 · 14/03/2022 22:06

If you genuinely haven't done/said anything then I think they are being shitty with you. One of the best bits for grandparents is getting to cuddle and snuggle the baby. I can't imagine my mil coming over to look at the baby but no be able to hold/interact with him. Does she sometimes get things wrong...yip... but I just say at the time as I know she's not doing it out of badness she just doesn't know him as well as I do. I say my bit and we move on. You must feel hurt by their actions. My boy has a fantastic relationship with both my mum and my mil that was built on the cuddles and interaction when he was a newborn/baby.

IrishMama2015 · 14/03/2022 22:08

Hi OP, I am someone who always got on with MIL and then things went to hell after DC1 was born. I had PP anxiety and a colicky baby and was breastfeeding. I wanted to sleep when I got the chance, stay in pyjamas when I needed to and leave housework when i wasn't able. I only felt comfortable with my own mom being over while I was all over the place for a while. By the the time I was out of that phase MIL was making nasty snide remarks about me and would do things like not hand baby over when crying, commenting on my weight, giving out about not getting to feed baby etc. We have never recovered. I would have loved if MIL had sincerely approached me and spoken to me before things got so bad between us. In the intervening years her DDs have had children and her DSs kids have been forgotten about!

worriedatthistime · 14/03/2022 22:11

Some massive assumptions being made here
Op has said she goes a couple times a week when requested/ asked she doesn't just rock up
I see m cousins baby at the weekend I got cuddles and when they cried I said to then do you want her back to feed/ change etc
But on here it seems many don't let others hold their babies even grandmothers

RandomBasic · 14/03/2022 22:12

Did you say you are coming over to help but then just sit and cuddle the baby? That could get annoying, especially 3 times a week.

worriedatthistime · 14/03/2022 22:14

@RandomBasic no they never

Notonthestairs · 14/03/2022 22:14

Op goes over when invited. I don't see anything wrong with that.

SarahAndQuack · 14/03/2022 22:15

@RandomBasic

Did you say you are coming over to help but then just sit and cuddle the baby? That could get annoying, especially 3 times a week.

Really?! I would have been delighted with that. Just goes to show we're all different.

Flowersandhearts · 14/03/2022 22:15

Honestly it might just be because you're the MIL and paternal grandma- they nearly always have a much harder time.

The only reasonable reason I can think of is if you're not triple jabbed (did you say you're just double vaccinated?) and perhaps have some possible covid exposures (e.g. of you use public transport) or if you wash hands any less than baby's parents do then that might impact on your DiL's decision at the moment.

worriedatthistime · 14/03/2022 22:16

I must admit if mn is to go by I dread my boys having kids as it seems the dads parents who are often pushed out
With my two I was happy for my mil to be as involved as my parents as she was also a grandparent
As it happens she wasn't that bothered and my friends mum took on role of grandmother mh

Original poster

Hall35 · 14/03/2022 22:17

@RandomBasic

Did you say you are coming over to help but then just sit and cuddle the baby? That could get annoying, especially 3 times a week.

Absolutely not! I go over when asked and offer to help etc I wouldnt dream of offering to go over and help and do nothing but hold the baby.

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 14/03/2022 22:18

@Totalwasteofpaper

You are doing something they (your DIL in particular probably) doesn't like.

I recommend working on your relationship with her. Extensively.
She will likely be a gatekeeper so you need to get her onside.
Bring her over flowers/ a cake or whatever when you pop in.
Ask how she is.
Ask how you can help her (picking up some shopping, taking something to the post office or bank whatever )

I'd also stop wearing a perfume for visits people are funny about it with babies.

Blooming heck!

Original poster

Hall35 · 14/03/2022 22:19

@Flowersandhearts

Honestly it might just be because you're the MIL and paternal grandma- they nearly always have a much harder time.

I'm double vaccinated DIl is not so I really dont think covid is an issue.

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 14/03/2022 22:20

@RandomBasic

Did you say you are coming over to help but then just sit and cuddle the baby? That could get annoying, especially 3 times a week.

She's not allowed to cuddle the baby!

Original poster

Hall35 · 14/03/2022 22:21

@IrishMama2015

I feel for you as I had a mil like this! It was awful this is why I try my very hardest to not be one sided not to criticise not to be too demanding. I know how it feels to be on be other side.

OP posts:

pinkprettyroses · 14/03/2022 22:21

I was like this around my mother in law to be honest. It sounds horrible but I had postnatal depression and just found her too intense. She was always obsessing over the baby, gave me no space, and was always crossing boundaries I didn't feel comfortable with.

You may think you're not doing anything- but it sounds like the mum could be in a similar situation to me.

Take a step back and don't ask for a cuddle all the time.

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