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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grannie feeling a little left out.

427 replies

Hall35 · 14/03/2022 21:07

My first GC was born 7 months ago I have a wonderful relationship with both the parents. Initially I was welcomed round had lots of cuddles allowed to feed them etc.
Then something changed and I'm at a loss as to what....I'm now not allowed to hold GC I go round a few times a wk (when it suits parents I don't just turn up!) and at first they clung to their parents but now they get smiley when i go in and reach for me only to have M distract them or move them. They also invite me round at naps times or times when I cant even ask for a cuddle. Gc sleeps at other GM often and they do lots of nice things together (I'd kill for a 10 minute walk round the block ha) I'm not demanding or judgemental with them and havent brought this up as dont want to cause tension but its breaking me.
I brought up my children well and have good relationships with them but baffled as to why I'm being excluded. At first I thought M was just overprotective as all is new mums have been (I was a nightmare ha) but everyone can hold my GC friends family etc just not me.
I have a lot of experience with children due to a huge family and have always been the go to person to have peoples children so I know I am trusted in this respect. OH thinks it's so GC bonds with other GP first and more. If that makes sense? AIBU?? Really struggling without having it out and causing arguments. Do I just keep doing as I'm doing and hopefully all will come good?

OP posts:
EarlGreywithLemon · 15/03/2022 17:01

@bitemyarsenic I understand completely. The interests I have are perfectly well shared with kids.

Since we had DD I rediscovered drawing. I'm rubbish and so didn't make time for it, but I've always loved it. I draw with and for her, and luckily she can't tell how bad I am (yet Grin). I read a lot and like telling stories, so I do that with her. I love watching her discover new stories and books. Ditto singing, she's always after more singing and music. I used to be in a choir before my work got too hectic, I now think I might take it up again in a few years. I really like walking, always have done - I love taking her out for walks.

The things I've missed out on have been because of Covid, not DD (I am vulnerable to Covid and now pregnant too): travel, museums, things like that. I'd LOVE to be able to do those with her (and child 2 all going well) if only the Covid situation calmed down.

bitemyarsenic · 15/03/2022 17:04

[quote alltheapples]@bitemyarsenic I can understand if your parent was an alcoholic you are going to avoid social occasions with alcohol. However you do not have to go to occasions where some people are drinking and drink alcohol. My DP is teetotal but goes to the pub, to parties, barbecues etc. Of course none of these occasions involves people getting drunk, just having a glass or two of wine.[/quote]
Do you mean I do have to go ?
I dont like them so I dont go.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 15/03/2022 17:05

Freddiefox

It was a mistake , was meant to be bold but not bold and capitals.

The OP said she's stuck to everything that they asked her , it's been queried multiple times and the OP didn't respond.

Bromse · 15/03/2022 17:07

@alltheapples

Baby talk has been shown to help babies develop speech. It is why adults naturally do baby talk and noises with babies worldwide.
Oh yes, I did my own. My mum's just irritated me :-).
alltheapples · 15/03/2022 17:17

@bromse probably the sleep deprivation? Sleep deprivation makes everything others do grossly unreasonable.

LuckySantangelo35 · 15/03/2022 17:20

@bitemyarsenic But maybe Op actually hasn’t done anything wrong? It’s possible… 🤷‍♀️

LuckySantangelo35 · 15/03/2022 17:23

@EarlGreywithLemon Ah sounds so wholesome! Drawing, singing, choir 😊
I’m not taking the piss…it’s not up my street but sounds lovely. Different strokes for different folks and all that

EarlGreywithLemon · 15/03/2022 17:27

@LuckySantangelo35 definitely - absolutely fine (and good) for all of us to enjoy different things.

bitemyarsenic · 15/03/2022 17:28

[quote LuckySantangelo35]@bitemyarsenic But maybe Op actually hasn’t done anything wrong? It’s possible… 🤷‍♀️[/quote]
Who knows?
Its all so vague.

My point was that my DM tried to seriously harm my DC but told everyone had she done nothing wrong and had no idea why we had to go NC.

Hmum0fthree · 15/03/2022 17:28

@Hall35 I have two DC and one on the way, More than happy to adopt you as their granny Grin

My MIL doesn't give 2 hoots about my DC its awful, your DIL wants to realise how lucky she is Hmm

alltheapples · 15/03/2022 17:30

@bitemyarsenic of course you don't have to. I was just saying you can be teetotal and still go to those things. But do what you want. Why should anyone else care if you want to go to a choir instead of a party?

flashy44 · 15/03/2022 17:40

Stop going to visit for a week or two and see if they ask you why you haven been round then approach the subject again and say i would like to hold and cuddle gc not just stare at them from a distance,x

Original poster
Hall35 · 15/03/2022 17:45

@MrsPelligrinoPetrichor

Freddiefox

It was a mistake , was meant to be bold but not bold and capitals.

The OP said she's stuck to everything that they asked her , it's been queried multiple times and the OP didn't respond.

I'm sorry I thought I had answered this previously my mistake. I asked if they needed a sitter for a night away they were having I was told no they were ok which was fine I just like to let them know the offer is always there should they need it. Then gc cried not long after this conversation and Ds said we need to hold off on me holding her until she is used to me again and asked me to go round more often as I was only going once a week. He asked me not to hold the baby or speak to GC until she was used to me again. I respected this as their decision they knew best they then said to come as requested which I have been doing,asked me to be patient in looking after her as that was not going to happen right now (parents anxieties nothing more I'd assumed at this ppint) but this has continued for 3 months. I still havent held her since. I go round when they ask,help when they ask,offer if I think they need anything. I am not perfect by any stretch but i genuinely don't think I'm overbearing (but who knows hey ha) The more I read from mums on here (it's been a while since I had a newborn myself) this is just them getting into their own groove with things. That I can handle and if it continues I will chat with ds to see if there is something I ha e done to upset or offend. ( they are both honest and upfront enough to tell me this that's why I was confused and hurt.
OP posts:
TunaTastic · 15/03/2022 17:46

I got on well to a point with my husband's mother. She was part of the baggage that he came with.
After I had DD, the cracks in my relationship started to be exposed. I just didn't have the energy to be looking after DD, try and keep DH happy, have a few minutes for me. My mil slipped down the list. DH never made any effort with my family and made less and less effort for me, so Granny was an easy energy saver to back away from.
Is your son properly pulling his weight? Just a thought.

Av0bo55 · 15/03/2022 17:47

Maybe you e done nothing wrong I don’t know
But I can guess my mil would say the same but she has done a lot wrong to the point that I really don’t like her and I feel really anxious about her visiting
I’m guessing there must be a reason , as things don’t generally just change without one (in our situation there was anyway)
so if you have a good relationship with your ds? Then you just need to ask him and find out and then move past it , so you can have the relationship , that you want to have with your dgc

ImAvingOops · 15/03/2022 17:48

Honestly, I'd talk to your son and remind him that you are a person, with feelings and deserving of decent treatment. There would be no sucking up to dil from me - if you really haven't done anything wrong then they are behaving disgracefully and your son should be reminded that he has a mother as well as a wife and that him mum is entitled to some consideration too. See what comes out of that conversation.

Stop dropping everything to rush over there. Cut back on visits and focus on the members of your family who are at home and who aren't behaving badly.

LuckySantangelo35 · 15/03/2022 17:49

Urgh they sound unbearably precious OP

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 15/03/2022 17:49

He asked me not to hold the baby or speak to GC until she was used to me again

And that's been going on for three months?! You aren't allowed to even speak to them? My heart would be breaking Sad

ImAvingOops · 15/03/2022 17:51

If someone told me not to hold or talk to my own grandchild, I certainly wouldn't be visiting and allowing them to treat me like shit

saraclara · 15/03/2022 17:53

He asked me not to hold the baby or speak to GC until she was used to me again.

How, exactly, is the baby to get used to you if you can't speak to her or touch her? This is nuts.

ILoveYou3000 · 15/03/2022 17:56

@Hall35

Why did the baby have to get used to you again? Had there been a long gap between visits?

Did she cry as she was handed to you, which is why they've asked you to allow her time to get used to you again?

It does sound like there's something you're missing. All was fine until you offered to have the baby overnight and she cried when you held her. Perhaps there was a misunderstanding around your offer to babysit and it came across as a 'demand'.

Interesting how everyone here rushed to blame your DiL yet you've been very clear it's all come from your son. At least you acknowledge that. He's where you need to start. It sounds like you have an open relationship, or did previously as he felt able to state their needs to you. Maybe give it another go having a chat with him, so at least then you'll know what their expectations are.

Original poster
Hall35 · 15/03/2022 17:57

@MrsPelligrinoPetrichor

He asked me not to hold the baby or speak to GC until she was used to me again

And that's been going on for three months?! You aren't allowed to even speak to them? My heart would be breaking Sad

I talk to gc now just still no holding which I obviously dont expect everytime I go. I do go to see the parents too.
OP posts:
MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 15/03/2022 17:58

@ImAvingOops

If someone told me not to hold or talk to my own grandchild, I certainly wouldn't be visiting and allowing them to treat me like shit
I agree. I think I might write them a letter and explain just how hurt you are and you can't understand what you've done wrong and it's too hurtful to keep visiting. Ask them for suggestions on how to move forward and see what they come up with.

Bloody hell Sad

Original poster
Hall35 · 15/03/2022 17:59

[quote ILoveYou3000]@Hall35

Why did the baby have to get used to you again? Had there been a long gap between visits?

Did she cry as she was handed to you, which is why they've asked you to allow her time to get used to you again?

It does sound like there's something you're missing. All was fine until you offered to have the baby overnight and she cried when you held her. Perhaps there was a misunderstanding around your offer to babysit and it came across as a 'demand'.

Interesting how everyone here rushed to blame your DiL yet you've been very clear it's all come from your son. At least you acknowledge that. He's where you need to start. It sounds like you have an open relationship, or did previously as he felt able to state their needs to you. Maybe give it another go having a chat with him, so at least then you'll know what their expectations are.[/quote]
Not a long gap no but gc cried when passed to me so I think the protective ness in us all kicked in and this is the outcome.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hall35 · 15/03/2022 18:00

Maybe it was seen as a demand? It certainly wasnt meant to be one but I can see how that could have been assumed

OP posts: