Grannie feeling a little left out.

[Hall35]

My first GC was born 7 months ago I have a wonderful relationship with both the parents. Initially I was welcomed round had lots of cuddles allowed to feed them etc.
Then something changed and I'm at a loss as to what....I'm now not allowed to hold GC I go round a few times a wk (when it suits parents I don't just turn up!) and at first they clung to their parents but now they get smiley when i go in and reach for me only to have M distract them or move them. They also invite me round at naps times or times when I cant even ask for a cuddle. Gc sleeps at other GM often and they do lots of nice things together (I'd kill for a 10 minute walk round the block ha) I'm not demanding or judgemental with them and havent brought this up as dont want to cause tension but its breaking me.
I brought up my children well and have good relationships with them but baffled as to why I'm being excluded. At first I thought M was just overprotective as all is new mums have been (I was a nightmare ha) but everyone can hold my GC friends family etc just not me.
I have a lot of experience with children due to a huge family and have always been the go to person to have peoples children so I know I am trusted in this respect. OH thinks it's so GC bonds with other GP first and more. If that makes sense? AIBU?? Really struggling without having it out and causing arguments. Do I just keep doing as I'm doing and hopefully all will come good?

@ImAvingOops

If someone told me not to hold or talk to my own grandchild, I certainly wouldn't be visiting and allowing them to treat me like shit

This. Nothing would induce me to go anywhere near them. After your last two posts they sound completely batshit @Hall35.

@saraclara

He asked me not to hold the baby or speak to GC until she was used to me again.

How, exactly, is the baby to get used to you if you can't speak to her or touch her? This is nuts.

Isn’t it nuts.

Your son and DIL both sound absolutely neurotic and crackers OP. I really feel for you.

They seem insane. Babies cry.

To be fair OP, you sound very reasonable and willing to accept this could be down to a misunderstanding. Definitely try to talk to your son, for your own sake. If in their eyes you've overstepped or done something wrong they owe you an opportunity to address that issue.

It does sound a little bit like in the new baby fog of hormones and fatigue, there's been a major misunderstanding. They saw something that wasn't meant/didn't happen in the way they think and with your willingness to accept their request at face value and not talk to your son about it further it's dragged on and become something much bigger.

Could your DiL have PPD? And your son be trying to 'protect' her? But going about it all a bit clumsily. If he made that request does she even know? And now she thinks you're not that bothered.

This is very very strange.
The 2 things are completely at odds.
Not allowed to touch or speak to DC but asked to go round all thetime.
Im not accusing you of anything Op but were you a bit rough with the baby or they mistakenly think you did something to make DC cry on purpose?

There must be more to this.

For people who are asking you to visit regularly and asking you to be patient, they sound as if they have zero empathy for other.

I really think you need to step away a bit.
Their treatment of you is unkind and humiliating.

Focus on your own life and family and visit no more than once a week.

Such behaviour from them is very unpleasant.

You must be so disappointed in your son, that he has so little kindness and empathy towards you.
I can't imagine many mothers accepting this for months and going back at the drop of a hat.
Mind yourself OP.

It might be worth a little experiment.

The next time they ask you over, just politely decline and say you have something on.
See if there's a reaction, if not [hey, I know this is tough] the next time, decline again and say "Oh, I wished you'd asked me yesterday, now I've made other arrangements, maybe next week?"
Be UP and smiley when you do this so they don't think you are dissing them.
It might make them ask themselves WHY you declined and push things the right way.
In any case it won't hurt.

@Zipper666

It might be worth a little experiment.

The next time they ask you over, just politely decline and say you have something on.
See if there's a reaction, if not [hey, I know this is tough] the next time, decline again and say "Oh, I wished you'd asked me yesterday, now I've made other arrangements, maybe next week?"
Be UP and smiley when you do this so they don't think you are dissing them.
It might make them ask themselves WHY you declined and push things the right way.
In any case it won't hurt.

Or they might think OP is no longer bothered and stop inviting her over altogether. Then no one is happy.

Will never understand why people suggest playing manipulative games like this. Everyone involved is a grown-up (except DGC), the solution is to have an honest conversation.

OP, it does sound a very weird situation and very much an overreaction in response to a baby crying once, to tell you not even to talk to them. I can't help thinking there must be some other factor here, but of course if they haven't told you what that is you have no way to know. Also if DGC is 7 months already, it's not long before they're mobile enough to make their own decision about who they go to. Things will have to change then.

It probably won't be long either before they realise that a granny who is willing to babysit is worth her weight in gold

@SevenWaystoLeave
Maybe stepping back isn’t about playing games or being manipulative but actually what’s required for OP’s well-being and mental health given that she is being SO badly by her son and Daughter-in-law

They sound nuts.

There is definitely a piece of this puzzle missing. There's been loads of ideas of what it might be but none seem to fit.

To me this means either they are mad or it's a real thing, something really left field, that OP knows nothing about and that they can't/wont speak of.

[quote LuckySantangelo35]@SevenWaystoLeave
Maybe stepping back isn’t about playing games or being manipulative but actually what’s required for OP’s well-being and mental health given that she is being SO badly by her son and Daughter-in-law[/quote]
I've no problem at all with suggesting OP step back if that's a genuine suggestion for her wellbeing, but the commenter I replied to was most definitely suggesting it as a way to "try out" DS & Dil and see what their reaction would be, or if they'd get the hint, which is playing games, and being passive-aggressive. It's the manipulative motive I objected to, not the suggestion of stepping back in and of itself.

@bitemyarsenic but you have judged the op though ?

It's a tough one. If you do keep going round though in a few months DGC will be used to you and start coming up for cuddles of their own accord.

I find it odd that your GC was screaming every time you held them considering you have been visiting multiple times a week since birth. I can only assume the baby has been picking up on the parents anxiety and now associate you negatively. As it just doesnt make sense.

You shouldnt need to be trying to get the baby used to you as you should have a well established relationship. I left my kids with MIL overnight from 8mths as me and DH had weddings, etc. She was more trustworthy than my DM and my MIL only saw my DC every few months. My DC were very relaxed as was I and my DC loved spending time with her

The more I read from mums on here (it's been a while since I had a newborn myself) this is just them getting into their own groove with things.

Since reading your updates I wouldn’t say it’s normal or ‘just getting into their own groove’. It would usually indicate some conflict or anxiety on their side. Without any explanation I think anyone would be confused by their behaviour. The bit about not talking to your GC is very weird. What can you do though? I would carefully talk to you son in case there’s something you can change. But other than that, you probably need to go with it and hope that gradually they relax a bit which I’m sure they will eventually. You will need the patience of a saint. There’s not doubt it will be hard but if you look at it from their side they are maybe struggling to adjust, sleep deprived, anxious and nervous for baby and learning to become parents and the more understanding you can be the better for the longer term relationship. Later on it may come out that there was more to this (pnd, anxiety or just very nervous of baby getting hurt, fears around covid) so be mindful that you may not know all the details here too.

They sound completely batshit. I'd back right off and just not bother. They'll regret it when she's 2 and they need a baby sitter. You're not the one in the wrong here

As PP have said, it feels like something is missing here. Surely they wouldn't instill a no talking/no holding rule based on DGC crying just once whilst you were holding them?

Feels like there is more to this, and you'll only get to the bottom of it by speaking to DS, OP @Hall35

If reverse psychology this, OP. Back off a good bit and when they next invite you’ve vague about whether you can be free. Then when you do go there ask a couple of questions about the baby and then find a topic to rattle on cheerfully about, something inconsequential like favourite dog breeds or the junior members of the royal family.

Then see if they try to re-engage your attention on the baby. I reckon it should only take five breeds of dogs / junior royals to get there.

@RhiWrites

If reverse psychology this, OP. Back off a good bit and when they next invite you’ve vague about whether you can be free. Then when you do go there ask a couple of questions about the baby and then find a topic to rattle on cheerfully about, something inconsequential like favourite dog breeds or the junior members of the royal family.

Then see if they try to re-engage your attention on the baby. I reckon it should only take five breeds of dogs / junior royals to get there.

So from the school of ‘Pretend to Play It Cool, Like When You’re Thirteen and Like A Guy, And He’ll Fall At Your Not-So-Keen Feet’ psychology playbook?

@Calphurnia88

As PP have said, it feels like something is missing here. Surely they wouldn't instill a no talking/no holding rule based on DGC crying just once whilst you were holding them?

Feels like there is more to this, and you'll only get to the bottom of it by speaking to DS, OP @Hall35

@Calphurnia88 Maybe that is all there is to it though. Some people are just batshit. Mumsnet proves it time and time again

He asked me not to hold the baby or speak to GC until she was used to me again.

This just sounds fucking weird!

@alltheapples

Baby talk has been shown to help babies develop speech. It is why adults naturally do baby talk and noises with babies worldwide.

This is very true ....it’s called motherese

@Hall35

Maybe it was seen as a demand? It certainly wasnt meant to be one but I can see how that could have been assumed

Why are you still guessing, guessing, guessing, and asking MN to mindread these people - who you actually know? Speak to the actual people concerned again, individually, and ask until you understand. You know, use your words.