Grannie feeling a little left out.

[Hall35]

My first GC was born 7 months ago I have a wonderful relationship with both the parents. Initially I was welcomed round had lots of cuddles allowed to feed them etc.
Then something changed and I'm at a loss as to what....I'm now not allowed to hold GC I go round a few times a wk (when it suits parents I don't just turn up!) and at first they clung to their parents but now they get smiley when i go in and reach for me only to have M distract them or move them. They also invite me round at naps times or times when I cant even ask for a cuddle. Gc sleeps at other GM often and they do lots of nice things together (I'd kill for a 10 minute walk round the block ha) I'm not demanding or judgemental with them and havent brought this up as dont want to cause tension but its breaking me.
I brought up my children well and have good relationships with them but baffled as to why I'm being excluded. At first I thought M was just overprotective as all is new mums have been (I was a nightmare ha) but everyone can hold my GC friends family etc just not me.
I have a lot of experience with children due to a huge family and have always been the go to person to have peoples children so I know I am trusted in this respect. OH thinks it's so GC bonds with other GP first and more. If that makes sense? AIBU?? Really struggling without having it out and causing arguments. Do I just keep doing as I'm doing and hopefully all will come good?

@EarlGreywithLemon but your situation is different as you do let your in-laws interact with your child just your there as well
Op seems to have to just sit and watch

@EarlGreywithLemon if they don't let her hold them how would they know and anyway communication helps surely
You say you can hold baby but I have to take him after 5 mins as don't like being held long or whatever
Either way you look at it the OP son and dil are giving her no idea what she has done wrong so how can someone fix it
Your inlaws obviously know your boundaries as you have told them

She just said she didn’t get to cuddle the child, not that she wasn’t allowed any interaction!

By the way, I never told the in laws - I’d have been mortified to have to. That’s just how they behaved of their own accord. With my mother, I bit my tongue and bit my tongue and eventually I had to tell her l wanted her back. It was was very unpleasant and ended in tears on both sides. Maybe that’s what OP’s family are trying to avoid.

I also missed that the child is seven months old. Definitely past cuddle on the sofa age!

@ILoveYou3000 totally. Linked to hormones and felt natural to turn to my own mum rather than mil in the early days.

@EarlGreywithLemon but its been going on since before xmas so that was cuddle stags
Op says she just smiles but often invited around at nap time etc so doesn't even see baby but baby stays at other GP's and friends and other family members hold
So they are causing hurt as is why not say the issue then at least OP knows and can choose to do something about it of not
Everyone is talking about their mil or experience but not fully reading the whole OP and Op asked should she mention it and ask them why ?

I can only speak from my experience so no offence meant, I promise.

My mother was also "very experienced" wiry children and saw herself as a bit of a go to expert.

I knew if I gave my mother an inch with my children, she would take a mile. They never had sleepovers there, I always controlled interactions as much as I could in terms of making sure I was there too so that gran didn't become "mum" as it would have done if I had not been on my toes.

I realise that this sounds a bit OTT but I found out years later that my father in law told my husband that my mother would take them off us given the chance.

I'm not saying for a second that that's the situation that you're in, my mother is and always has been extremely difficult, but it's just my experience.

[quote worriedatthistime]@EarlGreywithLemon if they don't let her hold them how would they know and anyway communication helps surely
You say you can hold baby but I have to take him after 5 mins as don't like being held long or whatever
Either way you look at it the OP son and dil are giving her no idea what she has done wrong so how can someone fix it
Your inlaws obviously know your boundaries as you have told them
[/quote]
They've obviously told her something as she was asked to be patient. She also said she'd done "all they asked" of her, so clearly conversations have been had.

@Millicent2022 and if dh had said i am popping out with baby for 20'mins to see my mum would you of said no , hormones of not or would you have discussed it at least
Would you invite your mil over twice a week and not allow them to hold your baby but everyone else can? Thats the Op scenario

@ILoveYou3000 well obviously not clearly otherwise OP wouldn't be asking
She said they told her to be patient as baby needed to get used to her and i think by everything they asked she mentioned she drops everything to go round when they ask as mentioned

@ILoveYou3000 all Op realy asked at the start was should she bring it up and speak to them , not for everyone to make assumptions about mum may have pnd or op is controlling or there MIL did x, y , z
Surely the sensible thing is she speaks to her son then she finds out

OP you sound a lovely GM. I hope things get sorted out soon. Your GC will be very lucky to have you in their life. Good luck

Aw op I feel so sorry for you, you’ve been so respectful and patient! I can’t believe you’ve not been allowed to hold your GC since they cried. I wish my mum actually wanted to see my dc, she treats them as an inconvenience and spends as little time with them as possible! Mine are older now (18, 13, 12 and 10) and have zero relationship with my mum. We see her once a month and she basically ignores us unless it’s to tell me I’m parenting all wrong! I wish I had a mum like you! When I had ds1 I didn’t even hear from her for 10 days let alone see her. It still hurts now tbh. Sorry this has turned into a rant about my mum but my heart breaks for you! I hope you get to the bottom of it soon

I wouldn’t dare try and dictate to my mother in law what she should and shouldn’t do to my baby! Have a bit of respect! Unless it was abusive/harmful which lets face it is unlikely! Your mother in law/ will have brought up your partner and any siblings…she’s been there, done that. She will know what to do with babies and children you don’t need to micromanage your children with her. The baby cried when Op held them…so what?! I wouldn’t have batted an eyelid. Babies cry! Some of them cry more or less constantly, it’s what they do!

@diddl

My Ils had a habit of trying to get the kids to play with what they wanted them to play with & how they wanted them to play with it!

"Ooh should we do this now?"

"Of course you want to!"

"Yes, come on!"

They couldn't seem to be able to just let the kids be!

@diddl And..? It’s not gonna hurt the kids to experience a more directive style of play than yours!

You sound like a lovely GM and it's sad this is the experience your having! I'd love it if my MIL made this much effort

@LuckySantangelo35

I wouldn’t dare try and dictate to my mother in law what she should and shouldn’t do to my baby! Have a bit of respect! Unless it was abusive/harmful which lets face it is unlikely! Your mother in law/ will have brought up your partner and any siblings…she’s been there, done that. She will know what to do with babies and children you don’t need to micromanage your children with her. The baby cried when Op held them…so what?! I wouldn’t have batted an eyelid. Babies cry! Some of them cry more or less constantly, it’s what they do!

You seem to want to dictate to others what they should do on this thread though🤣

Leave your baby, go to weddings and drink/ dance/let your hair down etc
As you wish but others are different to you.

I didnt enjoy those things even before DC so why would I do it after

Not all relationships are healthy , my own mother tried desperately to harm me via my children.
Tried to push my DCs pram under a bus and tried to lock DC in a hot car as a baby.
I had to physically grab the pram and the keys off her.
She was sweetness and light if she met you though.
Stop telling people they are wrong, everyones circumstances are different and sadly some people are toxic.

@Apple40

We get on well now, but my mil did my head in when I had my first, she would just turn up ( as she was passing thought she would pop in) she used to make all these annoying noises and baby voice talking to him. I think a lot of it I was tired so just wanted a nap but felt I had to talk to her. On the odd occasion I asked her to look after him so I could have a nap she was so noisy I could not get to sleep. I could hear her in the phone to family and friends telling them all she was baby sitting while Apple has a nap but as she is slightly hard of hearing all conversations were shouted. Plus she took like a million photos on each visit, I started to joke day 89 Apples boob again as there was yet another photo of me feeding or holding baby.

It's funny you said that because, whilst I was happy for all grandparents to muck in and help out, I found silly noises and stupid talk aimed at my baby extremely irritating. My mum was the worst for that, followed by an "Eh he he", and stupid smile.

I know my feelings were irrational but it did my head in.

@bitemyarsenic I did say that a caveat would be if your mil was abusive/harmful. Which your mother is. I’m sorry that must be awful. But sounds a million miles away from the OP, she sounds like a lovely woman and grandma.

I do often encourage women to let their hair down I suppose…I guess because ofton so many of us fall into the ‘mummy Martyr’ trap that society lays for us or have useless partners that expect them to do all the parenting work.

I guess if you didn’t like gong to events like weddings , socialising, meals out, nights out before becoming a parent that’s different!

Out of interest, why didn’t you like those things and what did you or do you like to do instead? Not being goady/judgemental just genuinely curious and wondering if there is anything I could add to my repertoire of activities!

"@diddl**
And..? It’s not gonna hurt the kids to experience a more directive style of play than yours!"

I meant if the kids were already happily doing something.

[quote LuckySantangelo35]@bitemyarsenic I did say that a caveat would be if your mil was abusive/harmful. Which your mother is. I’m sorry that must be awful. But sounds a million miles away from the OP, she sounds like a lovely woman and grandma.

I do often encourage women to let their hair down I suppose…I guess because ofton so many of us fall into the ‘mummy Martyr’ trap that society lays for us or have useless partners that expect them to do all the parenting work.

I guess if you didn’t like gong to events like weddings , socialising, meals out, nights out before becoming a parent that’s different!

Out of interest, why didn’t you like those things and what did you or do you like to do instead? Not being goady/judgemental just genuinely curious and wondering if there is anything I could add to my repertoire of activities![/quote]
I agree but my DM ( not) would be just like the Op.
Poor me! Im so hurt
Ive done nothing wrong
No idea why they keep me away

We just cant judge from a few sentences on the page, although if you count the "I" and " Im" Op sounds very self obsessed , particularly the grumpiness about nap times.

Im teetotal so anything involving drinking holds zero interest ( DM alcoholic)
I have plenty of hobbies and interests.

Apologies for no replies I logged myself out and couldnt get back in 🙈 I'll try and sum up. I work 40+hrs a week still have kids at home and am very busy so for those telling me to getting a hobby or volunteer I really dont need any extra things to do I'm stretched quite thin as it is. I would much rather go round once a week for quality time than lots of times pointlessly. I dont demand cuddles I actually dont demand anything. My Dil is wonderful and I dont for a second think it's all her. My DS was the one who says come round most of the time however I arrange with dil too. I didnt want to turn this into a dil bashing I just wanted a little advice from anyone who had been through similar. I think the answer is to keep being patient with them and let it come good in time. I have always and will always respect that they are the parents and it's their way or the highway in respect of their child/ren.
I just wanted to clear up any misjudgements. Not all Mil are overbearing or intrusive or blame their dil for everything. And not all dil are awful either.

WHAT DID THEY ASK YOU TO DO THAT YOU HAVE STUCK TO?

Baby talk has been shown to help babies develop speech. It is why adults naturally do baby talk and noises with babies worldwide.

@bitemyarsenic I can understand if your parent was an alcoholic you are going to avoid social occasions with alcohol. However you do not have to go to occasions where some people are drinking and drink alcohol. My DP is teetotal but goes to the pub, to parties, barbecues etc. Of course none of these occasions involves people getting drunk, just having a glass or two of wine.

@MrsPelligrinoPetrichor

WHAT DID THEY ASK YOU TO DO THAT YOU HAVE STUCK TO?

Why are you shouting?

What has the op actually done wrong?

Actually? Not assumption or guessing?