Grannie feeling a little left out.

[Hall35]

My first GC was born 7 months ago I have a wonderful relationship with both the parents. Initially I was welcomed round had lots of cuddles allowed to feed them etc.
Then something changed and I'm at a loss as to what....I'm now not allowed to hold GC I go round a few times a wk (when it suits parents I don't just turn up!) and at first they clung to their parents but now they get smiley when i go in and reach for me only to have M distract them or move them. They also invite me round at naps times or times when I cant even ask for a cuddle. Gc sleeps at other GM often and they do lots of nice things together (I'd kill for a 10 minute walk round the block ha) I'm not demanding or judgemental with them and havent brought this up as dont want to cause tension but its breaking me.
I brought up my children well and have good relationships with them but baffled as to why I'm being excluded. At first I thought M was just overprotective as all is new mums have been (I was a nightmare ha) but everyone can hold my GC friends family etc just not me.
I have a lot of experience with children due to a huge family and have always been the go to person to have peoples children so I know I am trusted in this respect. OH thinks it's so GC bonds with other GP first and more. If that makes sense? AIBU?? Really struggling without having it out and causing arguments. Do I just keep doing as I'm doing and hopefully all will come good?

Not everyone feels that way. I now have a toddler and no desire to rope relatives in to “have a break from her”. She is at nursery 3 days a week, and that suits everyone just fine. She loves it there and is a happy, relaxed child.

Well, that's lovely she is so relaxed. It might not be the case for all the children you have. If you have one that turns into a nocturnal teenager with ARFID etc, you may wish you had recruited help earlier.

@EarlGreywithLemon
It’s not some slur on your child and your parenting to admit you need a break from them! Everyone needs a break from others from time to time including the people they love the most such as their kids!

And your child may go to nursery but what about say if you wanted a meal out with your partner one Friday night or Saturday afternoon drinks together, can’t drop them off at nursery then. That’s when you would really appreciate family on hand to help and babysit such as a mother in law

@alltheapples I actually agree. I never once had friends or family doing housework for us. I loved them being there for a chat and a cup of tea (which I made - though MIL made it once or twice, which was appreciated).

@SpaceshiptoMars and @LuckySantangelo35 I’m really not saying everyone should feel the way we do. Im just offering alternative perspectives. If I wanted a drink or dinner she’d come with us. She’s always eaten with us anyway.

We get on well now, but my mil did my head in when I had my first, she would just turn up ( as she was passing thought she would pop in) she used to make all these annoying noises and baby voice talking to him. I think a lot of it I was tired so just wanted a nap but felt I had to talk to her. On the odd occasion I asked her to look after him so I could have a nap she was so noisy I could not get to sleep. I could hear her in the phone to family and friends telling them all she was baby sitting while Apple has a nap but as she is slightly hard of hearing all conversations were shouted. Plus she took like a million photos on each visit, I started to joke day 89 Apples boob again as there was yet another photo of me feeding or holding baby.

[quote EarlGreywithLemon]**@SpaceshiptoMars* and @LuckySantangelo35* I’m really not saying everyone should feel the way we do. Im just offering alternative perspectives. If I wanted a drink or dinner she’d come with us. She’s always eaten with us anyway.[/quote]
So you’re never going to have another childfree evening until she grows up? No a deux anniversary dinners? No evenings out with friends (who definitely won’t appreciate her presence)?

[quote EarlGreywithLemon]**@SpaceshiptoMars* and @LuckySantangelo35* I’m really not saying everyone should feel the way we do. Im just offering alternative perspectives. If I wanted a drink or dinner she’d come with us. She’s always eaten with us anyway.[/quote]
@EarlGreywithLemon
You must be kidding! 🤣

Are you really going to feel like this for the next ten years through?! Never going for a drink or meal without your child? Will there never be a time when you don’t want to go to a bar or restaurant or whatever that’s not child friendly? Adult only events such a child free weddings, will you just not go? What about as a previous poster said, what about if you and your partner want to go out with your mutual friends and can’t bring your child?

[quote worriedatthistime]@Millicent2022 well lets see how you feel when its your sons
And why do women only get a say in who holds a baby etc and the father none , last time i looked they have equal parental rights and also we women want equal rights don't we but not when it suits it seems
The baby doesn't only belong to its mum[/quote]
It's not about 'rights'.

When it comes to hormones there is clearly a huge difference between mum and dad in the early days. Primal instinct. That's why many mothers feel a need to keep their baby close. Surely you're able to understand that? They aren't feelings that last, as evidenced by many posters on this thread who went through it and said those feelings passed by around the 18 month mark.

There are also a number of posters who have explained their feelings were linked to PPD.

We’ll see how it goes. If we’re desperate for any of those things we’ll get a baby sitter. So far most of our other friends have been very much like us - very few have left their kids with relatives at all.
For starters, my in laws live 4 hours away and my parents are abroad. Never been an issue. I get on extremely well with the in-laws. From what I understand they very rarely left their kids with their grandparents either - and yet their kids had good and warm relationships with them.

@LuckySantangelo35 there are baby sitters out there!

As an aside, no, I would not go to a child free wedding - I don’t like them in a principle. Most of our friends have kids and we meet them with our kids and theirs - they are roughly the same age as ours anyway .

I had a few dinners a deux with a friend -before I had DD - kids with the father. If she wanted to bring her daughter, I’d have had zero problem with it though!

And for everything else, there are baby sitters.

I love kids and don’t differentiate from adults particularly.

@EarlGreywithLemon ah it’s a shame your in-laws don’t live closer then as sounds like you would maybe leave your dc with them seeing as you have such a good relationship.

you and your friends will probably leave your Dc with family/babysitter in the further if you want to maintain any semblance of social life and also couple time which is very important too.

[quote EarlGreywithLemon]@LuckySantangelo35 there are baby sitters out there!

As an aside, no, I would not go to a child free wedding - I don’t like them in a principle. Most of our friends have kids and we meet them with our kids and theirs - they are roughly the same age as ours anyway .

I had a few dinners a deux with a friend -before I had DD - kids with the father. If she wanted to bring her daughter, I’d have had zero problem with it though!

And for everything else, there are baby sitters.

I love kids and don’t differentiate from adults particularly.[/quote]
@EarlGreywithLemon
What about if a family member had a child free wedding though, and there was an expectation that you’d go?
You should try it, let your hair down without having a dc to look after! 🍾🥂💃
You might not differentiate children from adults but most people do as they ARE different

[quote LuckySantangelo35]@EarlGreywithLemon ah it’s a shame your in-laws don’t live closer then as sounds like you would maybe leave your dc with them seeing as you have such a good relationship.

you and your friends will probably leave your Dc with family/babysitter in the further if you want to maintain any semblance of social life and also couple time which is very important too.[/quote]
Actually, no I wouldn’t choose to leave her with them. And I don’t think they’d be bothered either way - neither they or us are possessed of the obsession that grandparents must look after children alone in order to have a bond. I asked my husband and they were with their grandmother, who lived a stone’s throw away and was very close to MIL, literally a handful of times when it was unavoidable. Otherwise they saw grandparents with parents together.

If out somewhere where we can’t take DD we’d get a sitter, but so far we’ve had a perfectly happy relationship and social life as it stands.

We both work, have to do chores and housework, so feel we have precious little time with DD. The last 2.5 years passed in the blink of an eye and I fear the next 10 will too. We have a second one on the way and I bet that will be the same. Before we know it, they’ll be grown up and moved out!

@EarlGreywithLemon
I wouldn’t rule out things changing. You feel like this now with one 2.5 year old. She has an easy temperament now that might change. You might feel you want more of a break when you have two kids. The second one may be more high needs. It’s probably expecting a bit much of you and your DP to expect you’ll both be happy to continue the way it’s been for the next 13 plus years!

@LuckySantangelo35 won’t happen - no weddings coming up in our families. And I do feel perfectly happy with her around!!
I’m a bit older (40) and so have had years and years of nothing but weddings, theatre, restaurants, bars, nice holidays etc. Same with Dh. We were so bored of it all before we even had DD. After a while all the drinks parties in the world just blend into one.

I feel we’re derailing the thread away from
the OP though - so sorry OP!

Again, I’m not being goady or difficult- just trying to offer a different perspective.

I think it’s relevant though. Most parents do want/need time away from their children from
time to time. So OP is being pushed out now and her feelings disregarded, she would be well within her rights to not out of her way when grandchild is older and their parents are asking her to babysit so they can to a wedding/night out/mini break/anniversary dinner etc etc

@EarlGreywithLemon so you use a sitter - a stranger rather than family
So you do leave you dc ?
Also what if you have to go to hospital etc things are not always in our control

@ILoveYou3000 yes pnd excepted but like i said then Op son explains this is why then people understand
Yes I get hormones but you know if you split say when your baby is 6 months your partner will have rights to have that baby sometimes
And we have also think about what is best longterm and for the child as well as oursellves
Also in this op the child is held by others just seems to be OP they have an issue with holding baby

@EarlGreywithLemon but the OP son and dil do let others hold their baby just not OP so very different to you
You mention not leaving your child but in next breath we would just get a sitter so a stranger is ok
Who is having your child when you have your second?
Also maybe come back in 10 years time telling me you never left your kids and they go everywhere with you
I never left mine loads when little as we didn't have the help to hand but at 18 and 16 they have certaiy been left and even asked to stay at nan and grandads when a little older
I wouldn't if said no as felt they should be with me all the time, and let them miss out

@worriedatthistime I said we would use a sitter. We haven’t yet - haven’t felt the need to. In truth, I’d prefer to use a sitter anyway, yes. I’ve seen on mumsnet how many many family arguments spring from using family for childcare: grandparents feeling used, parents feeling their parenting choices have been disregarded etc. When we see the in-laws they have a nice time, we have a nice time, and we are there to smooth over tantrums or issues. Everyone is happy.

When baby 2 is born: I’m having an ELCS (for unrelated reasons). So it will be in the day time, in the working week, and DD will be at nursery. If for whatever reason DH has to come up to me in the evening, DD’s godmother lives close by and I’ll ask her if DH could drop off DD for a few hours. She (and her family) was our stand in in March 2020 when DD was tiny and I was terrified of what would happen if both DH and I caught covid and couldn’t look after her. We couldn’t have exposed the in laws and to that in their 70s.

@LuckySantangelo35

I think it’s relevant though. Most parents do want/need time away from their children from time to time. So OP is being pushed out now and her feelings disregarded, she would be well within her rights to not out of her way when grandchild is older and their parents are asking her to babysit so they can to a wedding/night out/mini break/anniversary dinner etc etc

And what I’m saying is that she might not be asked to!

I'm with @SevenWaystoLeave - OP sounds fixated on cuddles to an obsessive extent. I hadn't clocked that OP's GC is now 7 months - tbh my DS was well past cuddling by then and would get properly shouty if anyone insisted on restraining him! Is it possible OP that you've focussed more on your desire for a cuddle than on responding to GC's cues?

My initial post was influenced by my own current state of sleep deprivation with an EBF 9wo - I am so tired I can barely see straight and can barely hold a conversation, so frankly I am not up to visitors who just want to hold the baby and chat. Either hold the baby while I sleep or please help while I feed her, ideally by taking the 3yo to the park. It's quite mercenary I suppose but I am just not capable of any more.

OP son and dil do let others hold their baby just not OP so very different to you as others have said, maybe OP wants to hold the baby for ages and won’t give them back. I had no issue with people who held her for a few minutes!

My Ils had a habit of trying to get the kids to play with what they wanted them to play with & how they wanted them to play with it!

"Ooh should we do this now?"

"Of course you want to!"

"Yes, come on!"

They couldn't seem to be able to just let the kids be!