Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find having guests with young children hard work?

387 replies

Willowtreegreen · 14/03/2022 13:22

We had SIL staying with us last weekend with her husband and 2 DC (aged 2 and 5)

The house pretty much got trashed as it always does when people turn up with their DC. They come with so much stuff too (which I understand) so a lot of clutter! SIL’s DC were up at 5.45am each morning, running round downstairs, TV went on in the living room which is directly below our bedroom. The kitchen was like a bombsite constantly due to their constant need to ‘snack’

Last month we had friends to stay with their 9 month old. It’s a baby, it obviously won’t sleep through the night and will cry, I get that but we were pretty much kept awake all night by this baby crying, I felt really sorry for my friends, but we were all like zombies the whole weekend. We then couldn’t really do much as everything had to revolve around baby’s naps. So there was a lot of sitting round the house waiting for the baby to start/ finish napping.

We’ve now 2 other sets of friends, one with an 28 month old, one with a 6 and 4 year old wanting to come and visit/ stay in the next couple of months. DH is cheerfully all for it but I’m really starting to not enjoy visits from friends or family members with young children Blush it’s a lot of work, a lot of sleepless nights, house getting chaotic and very messy and actually never really doing a lot as it ALL has to revolve around the DC’s and their routines or what they want to do.

AIBU to just not find the visits that enjoyable at the moment? We don’t have children ourselves and although we have a fairly large house, it’s certainly no mansion so you do hear a lot of other’s noise!

OP posts:
Squeezita · 15/03/2022 15:47

Sounds good! Good luck.

Do post again when you get CF requests, they won't like you putting boundaries in place Wink

Doodar · 15/03/2022 16:01

I don't get the staying in the house for naps on a short trip, pit them in the buggy and go for a walk.
I'd not have them over as often, wouldn't it be easier to go to theirs, not carting all the stuff over to yours.

Doodar · 15/03/2022 16:04

@Fromthebirdsnest

This is why we have an annex 😂, honestly if your husband has moved 2 hours from his family and wants to see them and have them stay then really as long as it's not constantly you have to suck it up really , baby crying and kids up early ear plugs., with Mess ask them very nicely to clean up after using the kitche n and offer.to play with the children while they do it , obviously the visits need to revolve around the.children s routines and things they can't stay up to 1am and go to the pub 😒... I think you sound quite miserable and unkind to honest ..
bet you don't get many invites
Doodar · 15/03/2022 16:05

the constant snacking is ridiculous I agree

ukborn · 15/03/2022 17:20

I two hours is nothing - I don't get why they have to stay over? Or if they do why at your house?
Or get your friends to have a bit more control over the kids - set out some ground rules! It's your house, if you don't want the tv on at 5.45 am then tell them that! Tell them that toys need to be put away at the end of the day. Kids that still need naps - you go to them so you can go out if they need to stay at home with baby.

pilates · 15/03/2022 17:36

I don’t think two hours is far enough to have to stay over tbh. I’m surprised they want to. I wouldn’t in their shoes, very stressful for all concerned.

billy1966 · 15/03/2022 17:38

Sounds like a plan.

As @Squeezita wrote, be prepared for the pushy CF's who will not take no.

Have some firm answers practiced and ready.

People happily delude themselves that hosts are dying for them to visit.

This is rarely the case with young children in tow.
Even less likely if you are childless.

Plumbuddle · 15/03/2022 17:40

@Willowtreegreen

I think I'm going to have to talk to DH about cutting down visits. Obviously with Spring/ Summer on the way, people are starting to make the usual murmurings about coming up and I just don't want my Spring and Summer taken up with guests, especially those with young children. I'll send DH back to his home county more to see family and friends and then hopefully they won't all be on at us to come up so much.
That's a very interesting way of putting it, "send DH back to his own county". I've just read all the op posts and not the responses after the first page. I think the answer lies in OP's hands in one of these posts where she says she wishes she could ask them to stay in an airbnb nearby. If that's what you want to do, you should do it instead of becoming resentful. The resentment is dripping from these posts and then there is the strange reference to being child free. I of course don't mind the concept of someone being "child free" rather than "childless" because I too felt that way before I had children, so it's fine to define yourself like that. But really, why ever are you coming on to this particular site to discuss this issue? This is a site presumably mostly dominated by people who have children and who are therefore a bit more into give and take with other families with children? Returning to that point about DH, it sounds like there is something deeper going on here which is that it is DH who wants the kids around him and not OP. Personally if this were a friend of mine, I would be advising them to reach an accommodation with their partner rather than going on a forum of parents to discuss. I'm still quite bowled over by the idea of this DH being "sent" here and there, as if he were a manservant lol.
Enterthedragons · 15/03/2022 17:43

Totally feel your pain OP and I have five of my own under 8. I wouldn’t inflict them overnight on others without kids. I’m looking forward to when these hard years are over!

Makeitsoso · 15/03/2022 17:43

Yep, kids are hard work. Some people are blessed with slightly easier kids and some with more challenging ones. Some parents are better at managing them than others. But children will behave like children. No they won’t sit still, yes they will eat lots and often, yes their sleep will be all over the place, no they won’t be quiet. That’s honestly just children. I’ve taught hundreds and hundreds.

If you don’t want to host them, fine don’t. But don’t act like your friends and family are weird aberrations or doing it on purpose or secretly hate you. They just are in a particular stage of life. It would be wonderful if you could enjoy and support that. But if you can’t, just don’t.

Hmm1234 · 15/03/2022 17:46

My mum seems to think the same. Unfortunately she is the grandma lol

mumpants · 15/03/2022 17:46

It's not enjoyable for the visitor either stressing about waking people up or trashing their house. Yanbu for not enjoying it but yabu if you expect any different. Lower your expectations or don't invite them.

Mariposista · 15/03/2022 17:49

@Doodar

I don't get the staying in the house for naps on a short trip, pit them in the buggy and go for a walk. I'd not have them over as often, wouldn't it be easier to go to theirs, not carting all the stuff over to yours.
Totally agree with you. You can't be anal about your routine when you are in someone else's house. That's what a buggy is for!
Squeezita · 15/03/2022 17:50

@mumpants

It's not enjoyable for the visitor either stressing about waking people up or trashing their house. Yanbu for not enjoying it but yabu if you expect any different. Lower your expectations or don't invite them.
No one is inviting them. RTFT.
Bobbins36 · 15/03/2022 17:51

Get where you are coming from OP. Other peoples children are often a PITA. Nice for a while but it can be hard work. Bear in mind the guest parents might (well some might) be feeling stress of having to try and control kids in a strange bed/house etc
In the grand scheme of things it’s not a long stage and it does pass! It might be you in that position someday x

Imjkrowling · 15/03/2022 17:52

You know you can say no right?? You know you don’t have to invite people with children to stay??

If you don’t like it why are you having them stay.

godmum56 · 15/03/2022 17:54

@Willowtreegreen

I don't think you can have a true understanding of children until you've had them? I haven't, so no I don't.

The thing is, we DO go visit DH's home county and see people, we stay with the IL's though not anyone else. But friends and family ALWAYS want to come and stay with us because we're in a very nice part of the world. I wouldn't even really say we invite people anymore tbh, we just get messages 'are you free X dates because we thought we'd come and visit you for the weekend'

Particularly people with toddler age and above children as we're only 5 mins from the beach and forests, a few children's attractions etc so for them it's pretty much a free holiday in a tourist destination. I guess yes, especially after this weekend, I'm starting to feel resentful. It's not that I don't want to sustain these relationships anymore, far from it. I just wish people would offer to stay nearby in an air bnb or hotel (of which there are plenty) rather than with us. They must realise they bring a lot of noise, disruption and mess but they don't seem to care. I guess my point is, that I would care. So I'm starting to find it a bit rude. We're not a hotel.

I think its a convo to have with your DH as this is not just visit this is the realm of cheeky fuckerdom. It won't stop while you allow it. How does your DH feel? does he say to folk they are welcome without discussing it? I'd definitely be laying down boundaries. If folk ask to visit then give them a list of b n b's and hotels. If DH doesn't like it then take yourself off for the weekends that there are visitors and tell DH that you expect to see the house immaculate when you return.
godmum56 · 15/03/2022 17:56

@Willowtreegreen

I think I'm going to have to talk to DH about cutting down visits. Obviously with Spring/ Summer on the way, people are starting to make the usual murmurings about coming up and I just don't want my Spring and Summer taken up with guests, especially those with young children. I'll send DH back to his home county more to see family and friends and then hopefully they won't all be on at us to come up so much.
and remember the Mumsnet standard "sorry that doesn't work for me"
bellocchild · 15/03/2022 18:02

If people are 'inviting' themselves, could you perhaps be a little busier? 'Sorry! We are rather tied up that weekend...another time, or maybe we can meet you for lunch somewhere?'

MintyFreshBreath · 15/03/2022 18:03

I know what you mean. We’re at the age where our kids are grown up but we had them young so lots of our friends have kids between the ages of 7-13. Especially with the younger ones it can be very loud at their homes and we like coming home to peace, quiet and tidinesses.

pliddy · 15/03/2022 18:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Viviennemary · 15/03/2022 18:06

Just don't invite them again. So rude to let children rampage through houses trashing them.

whizzielizzie · 15/03/2022 18:07

The consolation … they go home. Then you can have your house back. Don’t expect too much, they’ll go home with their parents who deal with it night and day, day after day

Squeezita · 15/03/2022 18:09

@pliddy

OP you sound totally clueless about kids!

You really didn't ought to have a family of your own and don't invite these people to stay any more.

You sound totally clueless about the English language.

'You really didn't ought to have a family of your own' doesn't make sense.

And if you're saying OP doesn't have a family, that's fucking rude. OP and her husband ARE a family.

Don't be so disrespectful and spiteful.

Blossomtoes · 15/03/2022 18:09

@pliddy

OP you sound totally clueless about kids!

You really didn't ought to have a family of your own and don't invite these people to stay any more.

Didn’t ought?