To find having guests with young children hard work?

[Willowtreegreen]

We had SIL staying with us last weekend with her husband and 2 DC (aged 2 and 5)

The house pretty much got trashed as it always does when people turn up with their DC. They come with so much stuff too (which I understand) so a lot of clutter! SIL’s DC were up at 5.45am each morning, running round downstairs, TV went on in the living room which is directly below our bedroom. The kitchen was like a bombsite constantly due to their constant need to ‘snack’

Last month we had friends to stay with their 9 month old. It’s a baby, it obviously won’t sleep through the night and will cry, I get that but we were pretty much kept awake all night by this baby crying, I felt really sorry for my friends, but we were all like zombies the whole weekend. We then couldn’t really do much as everything had to revolve around baby’s naps. So there was a lot of sitting round the house waiting for the baby to start/ finish napping.

We’ve now 2 other sets of friends, one with an 28 month old, one with a 6 and 4 year old wanting to come and visit/ stay in the next couple of months. DH is cheerfully all for it but I’m really starting to not enjoy visits from friends or family members with young children it’s a lot of work, a lot of sleepless nights, house getting chaotic and very messy and actually never really doing a lot as it ALL has to revolve around the DC’s and their routines or what they want to do.

AIBU to just not find the visits that enjoyable at the moment? We don’t have children ourselves and although we have a fairly large house, it’s certainly no mansion so you do hear a lot of other’s noise!

I wouldn't even really say we invite people anymore tbh, we just get messages 'are you free X dates because we thought we'd come and visit you for the weekend'

Particularly people with toddler age and above children as we're only 5 mins from the beach and forests, a few children's attractions etc so for them it's pretty much a free holiday in a tourist destination.

Bingo. If you lived in the middle of Luton they wouldn’t visit so much. Just tell them straight- it would be lovely to see you but I’m feeling overwhelmed by constant visitors in my home, so here’s a list of local b&b accommodation and we can meet up in the day.

We used to host friends with small children before we had our own - didn't have a particular problem with it (but we aren't manically tidy or in our own routine). The kids are now proper grown up and like spending time with us and our kids as they like us and have happy memories of coming to stay. For a weekend, where's the problem?

I hear you OP
Some kids are hard work and a lot of it is down to how the patents handle things.
We have teens now so well out of that stage. We have v good friends who have an 8 year old & he is SUCH a pleasure to be around & always has been even when he was tiny. He's calm & good company. His parents are calm around him too. It's never an ordeal when they come over.

On the other hand we have close relatives who have a 4 & 7 year old & it's chaos when they come. They're family, & we love them but it's hard work

We make a huge effort & I know they all love coming to stay but honestly I dread it. They arrive & instantly there's stuff EVERYWHERE. Every surface covered in bags & toys & snacks. They just pile it all up on the kitchen table & kids unpack toys all over the floor etc
I suggest they bring stuff up to the room they're staying in but falls on deaf ears

I think they live chaotically at home & just don't see it. Yet they love to come into our clean calm house- they comment on it every time & the parents view it as a night off - they sit back with a drink & turn a total.blind eye to the kids who run amok in the house. Literally nothing is left untouched. They're constantly walking on the furniture, climbing up things. They cannot sit still. Last time they were encouraged by the parents to build a fort which involved rampaging through the house taking every pillow / cushion / throw / blanket & piling them on the floor & walking all over them & it amused them while they were hunting but they were bored again in 5 mins & ran off leaving the giant pile in the middle of the floor..and it stayed there until I put it away. Their parents were happy sitting back drinking wine.

The mess they create eating is also shocking. I watched as the 7 year old grabbed cake & shoved it in his mouth laughing & half of if fell on the floor & he looked at it & looked at me & stood there. He was right next to his mum who laughed it off but did not pick it up off the rug. I asked him to pick it up & he laughed & ran away & his mum went back to drinking her wine & chatting to the 2 husbands. I picked up the cake.
The house is honestly wrecked when they leave & they're all 'oh we love coming here it's so nice ' & I'm thinking bloody hell.
My teens were traumatised !
I never ever let my dc carry on like that in our house never mind anyone elses

It sounds bloody awful for all parties to be fair OP.

I have three little kids (aged 2, 4 and 6) and know for a fact that I would hate to go and stay with anyone with them. The kids would probably sleep much worse in an unfamiliar environment, don't have their usual toys and things to distract them plus would be overexcited by a new experience and would probably be even more hyper than usual. And then you would have the added anxiety of being aware of all this whilst trying not to piss off your hosts by being noisy or making a mess. I can promise you that if we came to stay with you, we would have just as bad a time as you would. It wouldn't be a break for me, it would be more work than I usually do, in hostile environment.

This is why we don't go and stay with people, it's not really fun for anyone. Days out and things are great and manageable, but 24/7 with my kids is full on for me and I chose to have them!

What I would say is, I have a bad nights sleep every single night. If you had a bad nights sleep because we came and visited you, you could have a lie in or catch up the next night. Not ideal but there isn't really a long-term impact on you. Same with the mess thing, if your guests are making an effort to help with the tidying as they go along, then you can't really be annoyed with them. Surely it can't take too long to put your house back together? I do it multiple times a day and obviously, you didn't choose to have kids in your house but you must actually like these people to have invited them?

You have two options, stop having guests (this would be my choice!) or suck it up when you do. It's a couple of days every month or so to see people who are important to you.

Get a dog. One of those ones that most parents seem to recoil at the very sight of. Visits will dry up and you'll get the benefit of a dog.

May not be useful if you hate dogs. Cats don't have the same effect. I had to spend many a year in my 20s and early 30s trying to stop various friends' little darlings from tormenting my cats whilst feeble friends went, "oh he/she just likes animals..."

We have 2 (very friendly) dogs, doesn't seem to put people off

cannot sit still. Last time they were encouraged by the parents to build a fort which involved rampaging through the house taking every pillow / cushion / throw / blanket & piling them on the floor & walking all over them

But you let them!

Oh no. You've got a kid-magnet dog! Nightmare.

Can you add a third dog? Perhaps a (secretly soft as anything) rottweiler or Alsatian?

YANBU by the way. I don't have parent friends anymore and not having to put up with this is one of the benefits.

Urgh this is my idea of a nightmare and I DO have kids. I wouldn't do this to my friends either.

I would put them off visiting until the youngest is school age. Only way to go about it.

@NowEvenBetter

"@Anthurium that’s called childless, not childfree, very different meanings to those two words.

Having people stay in my house would be bad enough, but with kids would be absolute nightmare fuel. It’s never even entered the realm of possibilities for me."

I am aware that they are two different words having experienced infertility. Not sure what your point is exactly?

@Willowtreegreen

I don't think you can have a true understanding of children until you've had them? I haven't, so no I don't.

The thing is, we DO go visit DH's home county and see people, we stay with the IL's though not anyone else. But friends and family ALWAYS want to come and stay with us because we're in a very nice part of the world. I wouldn't even really say we invite people anymore tbh, we just get messages 'are you free X dates because we thought we'd come and visit you for the weekend'

Particularly people with toddler age and above children as we're only 5 mins from the beach and forests, a few children's attractions etc so for them it's pretty much a free holiday in a tourist destination. I guess yes, especially after this weekend, I'm starting to feel resentful. It's not that I don't want to sustain these relationships anymore, far from it. I just wish people would offer to stay nearby in an air bnb or hotel (of which there are plenty) rather than with us. They must realise they bring a lot of noise, disruption and mess but they don't seem to care. I guess my point is, that I would care. So I'm starting to find it a bit rude. We're not a hotel.

You're going to have to start saying no then!

This is why we have an annex 😂, honestly if your husband has moved 2 hours from his family and wants to see them and have them stay then really as long as it's not constantly you have to suck it up really , baby crying and kids up early ear plugs., with Mess ask them very nicely to clean up after using the kitche n and offer.to play with the children while they do it , obviously the visits need to revolve around the.children s routines and things they can't stay up to 1am and go to the pub 😒... I think you sound quite miserable and unkind to honest ..

I think I would just put a stop to visits where people sleep over if it's affecting your lives this much.

If they want to visit they can book a hotel or b&b, and you can do the same when you visit them.

I can't cope with visits staying too long for a day visit, I wouldn't have anybody sleeping over we don't have the space and I need downtime.

@Fromthebirdsnest

This is why we have an annex 😂, honestly if your husband has moved 2 hours from his family and wants to see them and have them stay then really as long as it's not constantly you have to suck it up really , baby crying and kids up early ear plugs., with Mess ask them very nicely to clean up after using the kitche n and offer.to play with the children while they do it , obviously the visits need to revolve around the.children s routines and things they can't stay up to 1am and go to the pub 😒... I think you sound quite miserable and unkind to honest ..

2 hours really isn't far enough to justify overnight stays. Sure some people might enjoy it, but it's fine if you don't. You could leave at 8am and arrive at 10 for a day out, then leave at 6pm and be home for 8 in your own bed. It's really not that far.

It's not miserable to not want your home to be taken over and messed up and sleep ruined.

@Fromthebirdsnest

This is why we have an annex 😂, honestly if your husband has moved 2 hours from his family and wants to see them and have them stay then really as long as it's not constantly you have to suck it up really , baby crying and kids up early ear plugs., with Mess ask them very nicely to clean up after using the kitche n and offer.to play with the children while they do it , obviously the visits need to revolve around the.children s routines and things they can't stay up to 1am and go to the pub 😒... I think you sound quite miserable and unkind to honest ..

Miserable and unkind??! Where are you getting that I want to stay up until 1am and go to the pub?! (Love the non-parent stereotyping/ generalisation there) Also, the visits actually DON'T have to revolve solely around the children at all. I have friends with children and when they come over or I go over to theirs, they get attention, yes, but not constant and certainly everything doesn't have to revolve around them. I think you've missed the bit where I said when we have people with toddlers and school age children that we spend the majority of the time at kids attractions/ the forest/ beach. So I'd say the kids get enough attention.

You sound entitled and wet to be honest...

I think you sound quite miserable and unkind to honest ..

Why are people who either don't have children, or don't like feral children described as miserable on here so often?

It's almost like some parents can't possibly understand how other people aren't as charmed and amused by their badly behaved children as they are.

You sound entitled and wet to be honest...

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this

OP,

It is perfectly reasonable NOT to want a trail of guests.

It's even more reasonable to not want a trail of guests with young children.

I had young children and I didn't want guests with children staying when they were all very young.

I had enough to do for my own.

Stop the guests with it doesn't suit.

See them at THEIRs when you visit with your in laws or a mid way point.

All that work for a weekend of other people's screaming children sounds hellish, even worse when you don't have your own.

No apologies or explanations necessary, just stop facilitating it.

If you have a family, you will be even less inclined.

Just see them in THEIR county.

Sorted!

The thing is, when people have kids their world (rightly) revolves around their kids for a while.
What their adult friends want/prefer comes second. Even if you have to sit around while they get baby to nap instead of going out having fun.

So yes baby’s nap schedule becomes very important, routines are vital, parents load the car with toys (clutter) and snacks, the kids might get up early and make a mess because that’s what small kids do. It sucks the energy from parents, who might be too tired to make conversation with you or have a late dinner. I guess that’s why many parents don’t go visiting overnight when kids are small; it’s too much hassle trying to keep kids entertained in someone else’s home AND please the host. If you don’t have kids it’s hard to imagine how all-encompassing they can be when they’re young.

@FateHasRedesignedMost, I get all that which is why personally I wouldn’t do it if I had small children. But lately, all of these people ask to come rather than wait to be invited so they can’t find it that hard work....

I completely get it. If I were you I’d visit them. Kids are a lot easier to deal with on their own turf.

I always stayed in hotels or apartments when the children were little unless it was family with similar age children. No one wants small children trashing their sleep or house, including the parents. But the parents have to do it so best they do it in their own space.

So many people missing the point of the thread - OP lives in a tourist destination that's amazing for families, and she's being asked to host friends who are treating her house like a hotel which has room service. It doesn't sound like any of them are finding it soooo stressful or exhausting - if anything it sounds like they're enjoying a very cheap holiday at OP's expense.

Parents have to put up with their kids trashing their own houses and waking them up at 5am running about, because they chose to have them. Nobody else is required to put up with it, and they're not "miserable" or "unkind" for doing so. I highly doubt anyone saying that would entertain this behaviour from anyone else's kids (rather than their own), so why should OP?

What have you decided to do, OP?

I think I'm going to have to talk to DH about cutting down visits. Obviously with Spring/ Summer on the way, people are starting to make the usual murmurings about coming up and I just don't want my Spring and Summer taken up with guests, especially those with young children. I'll send DH back to his home county more to see family and friends and then hopefully they won't all be on at us to come up so much.