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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find having guests with young children hard work?

387 replies

Willowtreegreen · 14/03/2022 13:22

We had SIL staying with us last weekend with her husband and 2 DC (aged 2 and 5)

The house pretty much got trashed as it always does when people turn up with their DC. They come with so much stuff too (which I understand) so a lot of clutter! SIL’s DC were up at 5.45am each morning, running round downstairs, TV went on in the living room which is directly below our bedroom. The kitchen was like a bombsite constantly due to their constant need to ‘snack’

Last month we had friends to stay with their 9 month old. It’s a baby, it obviously won’t sleep through the night and will cry, I get that but we were pretty much kept awake all night by this baby crying, I felt really sorry for my friends, but we were all like zombies the whole weekend. We then couldn’t really do much as everything had to revolve around baby’s naps. So there was a lot of sitting round the house waiting for the baby to start/ finish napping.

We’ve now 2 other sets of friends, one with an 28 month old, one with a 6 and 4 year old wanting to come and visit/ stay in the next couple of months. DH is cheerfully all for it but I’m really starting to not enjoy visits from friends or family members with young children Blush it’s a lot of work, a lot of sleepless nights, house getting chaotic and very messy and actually never really doing a lot as it ALL has to revolve around the DC’s and their routines or what they want to do.

AIBU to just not find the visits that enjoyable at the moment? We don’t have children ourselves and although we have a fairly large house, it’s certainly no mansion so you do hear a lot of other’s noise!

OP posts:
TheJade · 15/03/2022 18:48

Children are a massive pain in the arse! I have two of my own so I feel like an expert 🤣🤣🤣

I don’t blame you at all! If they want to come stay perhaps suggest they get a hotel 😍😅

bigyellowTpot · 15/03/2022 18:50

@Willowtreegreen couldn't be doing with this either and I have children! although mine are much older than your friends dc. I'm sometimes glad I have a small house so I have got no room for visitors to stay lol. I find I'm getting less patient as I'm getting older and have very little patience for other people's dc. I hate children interrupting whilst adults are talking etc. Id definitely prefer to go and visit them, then you are free to leave when their dc start to get on your nerves. But ideally I prefer to meet friends when their dc are at school or with grandparents etc so I can spend proper adult time with my friends without kids butting in and requiring their mothers attention every 5 seconds! I'm a horrible person I know lol.

Just10moreminutesplease · 15/03/2022 18:51

Hosting guests with children isn’t really enjoyable unless you love the children IMO. Family children and those of close friends are adorable… other people’s, not so much!

The issue is, you and your DH don’t see the same people as close friends/family. I’m not sure it would be fair to stop his family visiting, as long as he does most of the leg work. But you wouldn’t be unreasonable to get ear plugs and occasionally be unavailable for part of their visits (even if your ‘plans’ are just reading a book in a quiet coffee shop).

Poppingmad123 · 15/03/2022 18:54

If you are not that far from them, why don’t you visit them instead and offer to lookafter the kids for a couple of hours, take them to the park, a walk etc. I’m sure the parents would appreciate that so much more. They could get tea ready etc instead in the meantime. I would try to figure something that works best for you as it really isn’t nice having kids over for a long time/overnight and it does affect the friendship. Can’t be helped, they’re kids but just keep the visits short from now on.

PyongyangKipperbang · 15/03/2022 18:55

Easy to see who are the people who invite themselves to stay with friends in a big house that just happens to be near the seaside, for free.

OP YANBU. They invite themselves to get a free holiday, turn your house upside down and expect you to run your lives around their kids just because they choose to (mother of 6 here btw).

Put your foot down.

ZaraD · 15/03/2022 18:57

Why not visit friends and family instead and stay in a hotel then you don’t have to put up with the kids! It’s hard work for parents and it’s hardwork dealing with other peoples kids if you don’t have your own x

Whadda · 15/03/2022 18:59

I’d never invite someone with small children to stay, or visit for more than a couple of hours.

Makes life so much easier.

Twattergy · 15/03/2022 18:59

Yeah I never enjoyed these visits and I have a child. Kids just tend to dominate the whole weekend (mess, ents, food) and I wanted to catch up properly with the parents not hang out with the kids. So I just didn't offer to have people over that often. Some people love a chaotic house full of kids. I am not one of those people.

PyongyangKipperbang · 15/03/2022 18:59

@ZaraD

Why not visit friends and family instead and stay in a hotel then you don’t have to put up with the kids! It’s hard work for parents and it’s hardwork dealing with other peoples kids if you don’t have your own x
Because they are inviting themselves to stay with the OP, who conveniently lives 5 minutes from the beach.....I rather suspect that if the OP were to offer to visit them instead the "friends" would be busy.
tkwal · 15/03/2022 19:03

I've never had to arrange visits around naps etc. Small children are fairly portable and often taking them out whether in the car or a walk in fresh air will encourage napping. I don't believe in tiptoeing around either.if the need to sleep they will, even if a plane is taking off beside them. Night time crying is very disruptive and probably a result of being in a strange place. Parents need to be aware and try harder to soothe them. As for the snacking, do the visiting parents not see the chaos or don't they care. Either way I would take a dim view, either they tidy as the kids go or you make a no snacking rule.
I totally understand how you feel and those suggesting you should suck it up should try having guests to stay as frequently as you do. It seems you have become your DHs friends and family go to destination for a quick break. Hopefully the novelty will wear off.

Jeannie88 · 15/03/2022 19:04

Doesn't it just make u realise how quiet and easier your life is lol? At least it's only temporary with visitors, tho yes kids do make far too mess and noise! I look back on my life before dc and think of lie ins, peace, flexibility...

Liekje · 15/03/2022 19:05

Honestly, I don’t understand the whole planning around babies naps. Babies nap in the car, in the pushchairs, in baby carriers/wraps. Toddlers bring buggies and they’ll nap in that or the car..

And yes I have a toddler, I have rarely been home for naps during the day m! Also let toddlers walk wherever you plan on going they’ll sleep loads better at night!

Jeannie88 · 15/03/2022 19:06

This

BOOTS52 · 15/03/2022 19:06

That would drive me insane also but then again since I got older do not like staying with anyone or anyone staying with us and have not got the space either. Why don't you go visit to his home county more often so you can see all his friends then they may not visit so much. It should be your husband doing most of the clearing up as it is his friends. When you don't have children yourself it must be so much harder also. I would just cut the visits down a bit and make up some excuse to be honest. A few times a year but not every few weeks for visits. Does your husband enjoy all these visits and is he the one inviting everyone. I think when people do visit you need to get out for the day with everyone even if tired as go mad in house all the time.

MeridianB · 15/03/2022 19:10

@DowntonCrabby

2 hours from his really does not require overnight stays, particularly stays which are putting you out. It’s an hour for you all to meet halfway and spend the day together.
Perfect solution!
GlitterWitch · 15/03/2022 19:13

I would move and not give them a forwarding address.

Jack80 · 15/03/2022 19:15

Maybe suggest you have a weekend away and visit and you both do the 2 hour trip

BOOTS52 · 15/03/2022 19:15

Also never understood why babies and toddlers cannot sleep in pram/buggy as I was always out and about when my son was small. Tell them to stay in a hotel... I would never invite myself with small kids to stay with others as not fair. My sister and her teenage son used to visit me when my son was small but that was different as we were out every day visiting the sights in London and they did their own thing some evenings and could be myself but could not handle kids running around and up at 5.45am and I love kids.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 15/03/2022 19:28

Yanbu op , I felt the same even about my own child at times haha
I hate it when people come round with toddlers and don't encourage it
I only tolerate my nieces because they are well behaved!
Stop inviting people and say you are busy when they invite themselves

Jammybadger · 15/03/2022 19:30

We try not to visit people without young children much for exactly this reason (although I wouldn’t let the kids trash the place- I’d be working hard to make sure they didn’t which would make the visit less enjoyable for me).

Instead we have childfree friends visit us, meet them for a stomp round the woods, etc if they want to meet when we have the kids. Or we invite them round for a civilised evening once kids are in bed, or go to theirs or plan a night out if we have a babysitter. Lots of ways around it!

Gotajobthrunepotism · 15/03/2022 19:34

Absolutely. And I’m the mum of a young child. Honestly, day visits or you staying at theirs instead of them at yours might work better

Coffeepot72 · 15/03/2022 19:39

See, these days I think there's far too much acceptance that children will inevitably make a mess/noise wherever they go, even if they're in someone else's home. I'm a little older than many MNers and this will sound old-fashioned, but I can genuinely remember a time when kids were taught things like to play quietly, and to not make a mess, when they went to someone else's house. I'm not saying the kids always obeyed (of course not!), but at least the standard was set (I don't mean with threats of smacking or anything like that, BTW) and kids adhered to it some of the time which I accept is all you can reasonably expect from small people. But IMO nowadays everyone just seems to be resigned to the fact that you 'can't stop' kids making a noise/mess so you're just going to have to crack on and let them, it's just not true

Very good post

Taytocrisps · 15/03/2022 19:41

YANBU. Hosting people is a lot of work at the best of times and it's even worse when your guests include needy babies and small children who disrupt your sleep and trash your house. And when feeding and/or sleeping schedules mean that your ability to socialize with your adult guests is really restricted and you're effectively prisoners in your own home. Sit down with your DH and have a proper discussion about it. Draw up some ground rules e.g.

(1) Decide how often you're prepared to host families. This might be once a month/once every two months/once every three months. It's totally up to you.

(2) If family or friends want to visit you outside of this schedule, they're welcome to book a B&B or hotel and you can meet up with them at your convenience. Alternatively, you could meet them at some half-way point for a few hours. Or say something like, "We've a lot on this month so we can't manage it, but actually, we'll be visiting your area next month - why don't we stop off for a visit then?" If your friends and family realize that you won't grant all requests going forward, the requests will probably taper off.

(3) Decide who your priorities are - friends or family? The friends with the older children who are easier?

Finally, I would say don't cut your friends and family out of your life altogether. The babies and small children who are such hard work now might be really good company when they're older. You and your DH are probably a very close unit but if, god forbid, anything happened to your DH, you might be glad to have a big network of people in your life.

Also, you haven't clarified if your DH shares all the workload (cleaning, cooking, making up beds etc.) willingly, or if he sits back and leaves it all to you. That would make a difference too. In your shoes, I'd be resentful if he was inviting all and sundry to stay but leaving all the work to you.

WinniesHunny · 15/03/2022 19:41

@hoadinthetole

Don't have them to stay then?

As a mother of 2, I completely understand how annoying my kids are to other people but while I do my best to keep disruption to a minimum in these situations there are some bits that are just unavoidable (naps/ snacks etc)
My best friend moved about 4hrs away a few years ago and at the time didn't have kids. We've been to stay with her regularly with the kids and she's always made us feel welcome and accommodated the needs of the children. I've tried to always balance it with making sure I tidy up, clean up etc after my kids and not let them completely wreck the place although I'm sure she's found them annoying at some point!
She had her first baby not too long ago and my kids are a bit older now so I've tried to return the favour when we've been to stay by helping with night times/ cooking/ cleaning/ nappies etc especially in the early days.

Your house your choice but I'd say don't invite them if you don't like what kids entail 🤷🏼‍♀️

Funny, cos I would say read the fucking thread before inventing your own, incorrect, narrative.
Booboobibles · 15/03/2022 19:44

It’s so much more difficult for the parents because your house isn’t child-proofed so the kids have to be followed everywhere. I found single friends to be really irritating when I had children because I knew how clueless they were (having been child-free during my twenties).

Also, you called the baby of your friends ‘It’.