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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my DC would stick out like a sore thumb in the North East?

321 replies

Rainallnight · 14/03/2022 08:33

We are a two mum family and we adopted our DC.

We are contemplating a move to the North East, where DP is from.

My major concern is that our DC wouldn’t be at school with any other kids from a same sex family and, because it’s more unusual, would be more likely to be made to feel different. I also worry about bullying.

Any thoughts from anyone in that part of the world? AIBU?

OP posts:
XmasElf10 · 14/03/2022 10:19

I live in rural Wales and my nephews class has a child with 2 Dads.. no-one bats an eyelid. It really isn't that uncommon!! We have a number of same sex couples in my village, I've never noticed anyone treating them any differently to anyone else.

Pluvia · 14/03/2022 10:20

@BoredZelda

Thanks to everyone who got my perfectly reasonable concerns about moving to an area where my children would, statistically speaking, be in more of a minority than they are now, and my need to think about the impact on them.

You might have had less pushback if you had worded it in that way, rather than suggesting the NE has an issue with homophobia.

Oh, go on. Bully the lesbians, won't you.

Disgusting behaviour.

SarahAndQuack · 14/03/2022 10:20

@Nomoreusernames1244

It's not your concerns that people are commenting on. It's the ignorant assumption that people in "the north" (of where?) are somehow more bigoted and/or sheltered. Backward, if you will. Its the being concerned about being discriminated against, whilst discriminating against others

This. As pp said, if it had been phrased as where are the more diverse/tolerant areas in the NE, or even how common are ss couples, this would have been a different thread.

But o/p has basically said the whole of the NE is bigoted and homophobic and she’s worried her child will get bullied if they move there. Of course people are defensive.

I know a londoner living in the north and honestly their “london is the best” attitude is what pisses people off. They of course think northerners are ignorant and stupid, when really they don’t agree with the all the jobs are in London, london is multicultural/diverse and all northerners are racist/homophobic/EDL narrative that is spouted at every opportunity.

Please show me where the OP has said the whole of the NE is bigoted and homophobic.

Oh that's right, she hasn't.

Statistically, there are fewer people who identify as gay in the north east than in some other parts of the country. It's not offensive to be aware of that and to ask, as the OP did, whether it would make her children stand out, and whether that might lead to bullying.

Lovelteers · 14/03/2022 10:20

You’re question, OP, is absolutely valid and I wouldn’t listen too much to a bunch of straight people claiming they’ve never seen homophobia.
That’s about as useful as white people saying racism doesn’t exist in their town because they’ve never experienced it…
Like I said, I would consider - or actually love - to move to my home city but we would be a rarity and I don’t think it would be fair on our kids to take them from somewhere very accepting with lots of Rainbow families to somewhere where they’d be the only ones.
And as for all the comments about - we have a gay family in our village- having LGBT+ people living openly in your village doesn’t make your village automatically gay-friendly or accepting, unfortunately.

Weedoogie · 14/03/2022 10:22

[quote kittensinthekitchen]For reference, here's some numbers on homophobic hate crime in England and Wales in 2020/21 (as we all know by "the north" you mean England.

www.statista.com/statistics/623487/sexual-orientation-hate-crimes-in-england-and-wales-by-region/[/quote]
Seems you need to buy a subscription to access the figures on that site..

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 14/03/2022 10:23

[quote kittensinthekitchen]@DuckbilledSplatterPuff

Why are you assuming the OPs family need some sort of 'support' for being a same sex family? Wtaf[/quote]
I admit I don't know what it is like to be in OP's exact position.

But It's the same advice I'd give anyone moving to a new area.

The OP was worried about DC's being bullied. I know what that is like.

OP was worried about moving to a new area. I know what that is like.

I remember what it was like moving to a completely new area with young children where we didn't know anyone and finding supportive groups helped me to make friends and settle in.

SarahAndQuack · 14/03/2022 10:24

I'm pulling this off statistica: www.statista.com/statistics/317634/homosexuality-in-the-united-kingdom-by-region/

Obviously (and ONS makes this point too) you're going to have issues finding stats on gay populations because some people won't want to out themselves, but I would imagine gay parents are mostly out.

mudgetastic · 14/03/2022 10:27

She has said my children will stick out in ( the whole ) north east

Because ( the whole) north east is ? ???

She has said the whole north east is bigoted

If you can't see that from the title abs first post you can at least see that a lot of people read it that way

Pluvia · 14/03/2022 10:27

@XmasElf10

I live in rural Wales and my nephews class has a child with 2 Dads.. no-one bats an eyelid. It really isn't that uncommon!! We have a number of same sex couples in my village, I've never noticed anyone treating them any differently to anyone else.
And I know a lesbian couple in rural Ceredigion (one of them born there and Welsh-speaking) who have never been accepted in the community there and are still (they're in their 50s) gossiped about. We arranged to meet in a pub once. I got there, walked in the front door and heard the bar staff discussing which of the 'lezzers' in the saloon bar they'd sleep with if they had to. My friends had no idea how they were being talked about and seemed to think the pub was a nice, welcoming place. There's a surface layer of civilisation but underneath the old bigotry is still there.
SarahAndQuack · 14/03/2022 10:29

@mudgetastic

She has said my children will stick out in ( the whole ) north east

Because ( the whole) north east is ? ???

She has said the whole north east is bigoted

If you can't see that from the title abs first post you can at least see that a lot of people read it that way

Sorry, I can't see where she's said the whole north east is bigoted. Can you quote?

She is statistically perfectly correct that the north east has relatively low levels of self-identifying gay people, so chances are high her children will stick out.

I think a lot of people are reading things that simply aren't there.

Lovelteers · 14/03/2022 10:29

Homophobia comes in many forms - it’s not just someone shouting ‘Dyke’ on the school run. Two women I know just moved their kid to our school because at the school he was at a few miles away he was excluded from parties, play dates, invites to the parks after school etc by the PARENTS of his classmates. He’s 6.
He’s a lovely kid- but he has 2 ‘butch’ ( for want if a better word) mums. And the other parents didn’t like that. What are you supposed to do about THAT kind of discrimination? It’s not nice, but it’s not illegal, and the school can’t or won’t get involved.
Luckily the parents at our school are a lot less backward though I have heard some comments about they way the mums look. Me and my wife, apparently, don’t ‘look like’ lesbians so we’re much more accepted in some ways.

SarahAndQuack · 14/03/2022 10:30

That's awful, @Pluvia.

kittensinthekitchen · 14/03/2022 10:30

@Weedoogie

That's strange. I got it from a Google search and was able to read it no problem.

Statistically, there are fewer people who identify as gay in the north east than in some other parts of the country.

@SarahAndQuack

Again, you can't say that as the OP hasn't said which area/country she is talking about.

*

You’re question, OP, is absolutely valid and I wouldn’t listen too much to a bunch of straight people claiming they’ve never seen homophobia.

@Lovelteers

Assuming people are heterosexual by default is homophobic.

Lovelteers · 14/03/2022 10:31

‘ She has said the whole north east is bigoted ’

No she hasn’t. She’s asking if her kids will stick out, and the truth is that outside of some areas, yeah, they will.

SuperbOwls · 14/03/2022 10:31

@kittensinthekitchen

It's the slow drip and constant minimisation of people who don't have a clue what it's like to be that minority. It's sad.

@SuperbOwls

Is there a new Mumsnet feature I've missed that shows posters' sexual orientation on their posts?
You have NO idea what the sexual orientation of anyone on this thread is. To assume that people are heterosexual by default is actually quite homophobic in itself.

But I haven't, I'm not talking about homophobia specifically in the section of my post. It's the same with racism, homophobia, ableism, ageism etc etc. I have a hidden disability, so on the receiving end of ableism more of than most would imagine. It's really depressing, and often people do it unconsciously. We can all be guilty of unconscious bias

Equally, my idiot husband declared not long ago that people weren't racist anymore (I slammed that down) He is not from an ethnic minority so how would he know, and why is it his place to say? Let people have their valid thoughts and concerns.

Pluvia · 14/03/2022 10:33

@SarahAndQuack

That's awful, *@Pluvia*.
Yes, it was horrible. We were meeting for lunch and I felt quite nauseous, particularly when one of the men who'd been involved in the conversation served us our food, all smiles and pleasantries. God knows what they'd done with that food.

But lovely to hear from all the straight people that this never happens. Totally reassuring!

carefullycourageous · 14/03/2022 10:34

This thread is awful, I'm really shocked.

It does illustrate the way many people are pretty ignorant about minority issues, really. The number of people more offended on behalf of the NE than concerned about the fact we live in a country where there is still prejudice towards gays and lesbians has been eye-opening.

The question the OP is raising is sensible in my opinion - will her kids have a harder time in the NE than wherever they are now?

kittensinthekitchen · 14/03/2022 10:37

The question the OP is raising is sensible in my opinion - will her kids have a harder time in the NE than wherever they are now?

@carefullycourageous

Maybe that question would be more valid if we actually knew where the OP was now, and where the hell they mean when they say "the north east".

Without the information, its easy to think the post might be somewhat goady.

carefullycourageous · 14/03/2022 10:37

@Pluvia that is exactly the sort of shit I saw in a rural area, and I was not affected but couldn't join in or ignore it so had to relocate away back to the nearest city!

Lovelteers · 14/03/2022 10:37

OP there’s a good Facebook grp - just called LGBT U.K. parents. You’d get some good advice about which areas and schools to consider where you’re thinking of moving.
Getting the school right is crucial, there’s nothing more stressful than seeing your kids experience homophobia because they have 2 mums or 2 dads.

carefullycourageous · 14/03/2022 10:37

@kittensinthekitchen

The question the OP is raising is sensible in my opinion - will her kids have a harder time in the NE than wherever they are now?

@carefullycourageous

Maybe that question would be more valid if we actually knew where the OP was now, and where the hell they mean when they say "the north east".

Without the information, its easy to think the post might be somewhat goady.

It is only 'goady' to people who are easy to goad.

If you are silly enough to read loads of stuff into it that is your own look out.

SarahAndQuack · 14/03/2022 10:39

@kittensinthekitchen

The question the OP is raising is sensible in my opinion - will her kids have a harder time in the NE than wherever they are now?

@carefullycourageous

Maybe that question would be more valid if we actually knew where the OP was now, and where the hell they mean when they say "the north east".

Without the information, its easy to think the post might be somewhat goady.

It's not goady.

Presumably, she has her reasons for not posting 'I plan to move to Little Watling, population 300, goodness, I am glad this is an anonymous site!'

NorthFaceofthelaundrypile · 14/03/2022 10:41

@Rainallnight Have a look at New Family Social, they are a network supporting LGBT families through fostering and adoption.
They could probably link you up to groups in the area you are considering.

Lovelteers · 14/03/2022 10:42

I had a meal with DW and kids in a pub in my ( up north) home town. And as we left 2 blokes saw fit to come out after us and scream ‘ fucking lesbians fucking dykes’.
Not sure quite why the four of us sitting having Sunday lunch and playing Dobble together wound them up so much, but apparently it did.
Haven’t experienced anything even close to that in the very Rainbow Family friendly city we live in now. We aren’t the only gays in the village here, so that helps.