To think my DC would stick out like a sore thumb in the North East?

[Rainallnight]

We are a two mum family and we adopted our DC.

We are contemplating a move to the North East, where DP is from.

My major concern is that our DC wouldn’t be at school with any other kids from a same sex family and, because it’s more unusual, would be more likely to be made to feel different. I also worry about bullying.

Any thoughts from anyone in that part of the world? AIBU?

The question is whether there is more homophobia, not whether there are gay people.

To be fair to the OP, I don't think that's the whole question. Her first post is about her children standing out, as well as about bullying. Personally, I don't think my DD has ever been bullied for having two mums and school seems great, but she sure as heck does stand out because of it, and that is something to weigh up, as a parent. When she started, every time I walked past school (which I do a lot as we live very near), little children would run to the railings yelling 'two mums! two mums!' and asking if it was true DD had two mums. DD is quite sociable and we've brought her up to think it's all quite fun that she has two mums, but I know other children of same-sex parents who would hate the attention and find it upsetting. If I had a child like that, even in the total absence of homophobia, I would probably not want them to attend a school where it's seen as so unusual.

@LakieLady

Although nothing will top the girl who had never left London and moved here for work and worried how she would cope without electricity

When I first moved to Sussex 30 years ago, I was shocked to find out that the taxi companies shut down soon after midnight unless you'd pre-booked a cab. Unfortunately, I made this discovery at 2.00 am at a party on the other side of town. However, I very quickly discovered that crime was so low here that you could safely walk home alone at any time of night.

We have 24 hour taxis now, takeaway deliveries and everything. And the shops don't shut on a Wednesday afternoon any more!

I'm in a small coastal town in the NW and we still have half day opening on Wednesday and everything shuts on Sunday too

The irony of this thread. Op has concerns about her children being bullied, disgruntled posters pile on to bully op.

The north east is surely a bit of a red herring here, it just happens to be the place the op is considering moving to. It could equally be any other part of the country (or world, really) and I'm sure her concerns would still be the same, because it is an unknown quantity. Find me the parent who isn't going to worry about how their children will be accepted in a new school/area. Broadly speaking, I think your children will be fine op, kids seem to roll with far more than we think and don't bat an eyelid at things we may have found 'unusual' back in the day. Good luck with the move if you all choose to make it.

A lot of posters have really shown here how 'isms' work in the real world. It's not all people hurling insults in the street or bricks through the windows. It's the slow drip and constant minimisation of people who don't have a clue what it's like to be that minority. It's sad.

@TebayOrNotTebay

Good posts Sarah and carefullycourageous. I am sorry you have had such snarky and chippy responses OP!

That's really kind of you to say, thanks.

And YY OP, I don't really get this thread! I think someone speculated you were in London early on and it just exploded from there, people not reading what you'd said but just reacting to something that wasn't there.

@SarahAndQuack

The question is whether there is more homophobia, not whether there are gay people.

To be fair to the OP, I don't think that's the whole question. Her first post is about her children standing out, as well as about bullying. Personally, I don't think my DD has ever been bullied for having two mums and school seems great, but she sure as heck does stand out because of it, and that is something to weigh up, as a parent. When she started, every time I walked past school (which I do a lot as we live very near), little children would run to the railings yelling 'two mums! two mums!' and asking if it was true DD had two mums. DD is quite sociable and we've brought her up to think it's all quite fun that she has two mums, but I know other children of same-sex parents who would hate the attention and find it upsetting. If I had a child like that, even in the total absence of homophobia, I would probably not want them to attend a school where it's seen as so unusual.

'two mums' 'two mums' is homophobia in my eyes.

@Rainallnight

It is a classic tactic of the majority to laugh at someone from a minority, and to tell them their concerns are all in their head. Well done, everyone. Feeling super relaxed and welcome about a potential move now.

Thanks to everyone who got my perfectly reasonable concerns about moving to an area where my children would, statistically speaking, be in more of a minority than they are now, and my need to think about the impact on them.

Well, to be fair, you are the one who seems to be insinuation that people in the North East may be less open minded/would bully your child for being from a same sex family.

No shame at all in branding a whole region of the country in that way?

@SuperbOwls

The irony of this thread. Op has concerns about her children being bullied, disgruntled posters pile on to bully op.

The north east is surely a bit of a red herring here, it just happens to be the place the op is considering moving to. It could equally be any other part of the country (or world, really) and I'm sure her concerns would still be the same, because it is an unknown quantity. Find me the parent who isn't going to worry about how their children will be accepted in a new school/area. Broadly speaking, I think your children will be fine op, kids seem to roll with far more than we think and don't bat an eyelid at things we may have found 'unusual' back in the day. Good luck with the move if you all choose to make it.

A lot of posters have really shown here how 'isms' work in the real world. It's not all people hurling insults in the street or bricks through the windows. It's the slow drip and constant minimisation of people who don't have a clue what it's like to be that minority. It's sad.

Exactly my point

Transpires the OP was correct in having concerns given this is the response of adults, let alone children

Yes, because there are, obviously no same sex parents in the NE. Fact.

🙄

Some parts of the NE can be socially backward. I wouldn't recommend East Durham for example. Stay closer to more built up areas such as Newcastle, which is very diverse now. Ds goes to college in Newcastle and reports that people there are very different from the Durham people. Look for the more affluent areas.

@carefullycourageous, yes, just because straight people don't experience homophobia and so aren't aware of it doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

OP, can you find LGB parenting groups etc in the NE, make some contacts and then aim for the areas/ schools they're in?

My kids are the only kids of gay parents in their catholic school

No issues

I think it is offensive and bizarre to think there is less gays more bigotry up north

@carefullycourageous - I don't think it was, really. I mean, they're four and five. They just think it's interesting and different. If we'd had a big dog I'm sure they'd have been yelling about that.

I think their parents would be really shocked and upset to imagine anyone thought their children were being homophobic, too. There are definitely a couple of sets of parents who have mentioned that they have siblings in same-sex parenting relationships, so they would (like posters on this thread) probably think of themselves as quite accepting.

It is likely, though, that if we lived somewhere with more other same-sex parents, no one would be talking about it in the playground because it would be boring and unremarkable, and for some children, that would be really important.

‘ “Rainbow families”

Is that what we’re calling same sex couples with kids now?’

I hate to break it to you but LGBTQ+ people have been using that term since the 70s … no-one gets dibs on the rainbow, not even us gays! So there is plenty of room for everyone…Google it…

Is the North East disproportionately homophobic?

I’m sure this is what OP wants to suggest.

@SuperbOwls

The irony of this thread. Op has concerns about her children being bullied, disgruntled posters pile on to bully op.

The north east is surely a bit of a red herring here, it just happens to be the place the op is considering moving to. It could equally be any other part of the country (or world, really) and I'm sure her concerns would still be the same, because it is an unknown quantity. Find me the parent who isn't going to worry about how their children will be accepted in a new school/area. Broadly speaking, I think your children will be fine op, kids seem to roll with far more than we think and don't bat an eyelid at things we may have found 'unusual' back in the day. Good luck with the move if you all choose to make it.

A lot of posters have really shown here how 'isms' work in the real world. It's not all people hurling insults in the street or bricks through the windows. It's the slow drip and constant minimisation of people who don't have a clue what it's like to be that minority. It's sad.

Wonderful post. Particularly this bit.

It's not all people hurling insults in the street or bricks through the windows. It's the slow drip and constant minimisation of people who don't have a clue what it's like to be that minority. It's sad.

The north east is surely a bit of a red herring here, it just happens to be the place the op is considering moving to. It could equally be any other part of the country (or world, really) and I'm sure her concerns would still be the same, because it is an unknown quantity.

Why would the OP specify the area, if that were the case?

@Rainallnight

It is a classic tactic of the majority to laugh at someone from a minority, and to tell them their concerns are all in their head. Well done, everyone. Feeling super relaxed and welcome about a potential move now.

Thanks to everyone who got my perfectly reasonable concerns about moving to an area where my children would, statistically speaking, be in more of a minority than they are now, and my need to think about the impact on them.

I'm in a similar situation in that I'm a choice mother, so certainly, as yet, never come across another local mother the same as me.

Given 14% of adoptions are being adopted by LGBT parents, it may make more sense to focus on support mechanisms for the children re the adoption in the new area being considered rather than focussing on being offspring of lgbt parents iyswim given that according to the stats I've ever seen, approx only 12000 same-sex couples are raising children. It would suggest that pretty much anywhere outside of areas with larger concentrations of lgbt parents will be a similar experience.

I say that as someone who lives in a tiny village where there are now 4 openly gay families living and there was a furore initiatially, but I think they've paved the way.

Thanks to everyone who got my perfectly reasonable concerns about moving to an area where my children would, statistically speaking, be in more of a minority than they are now, and my need to think about the impact on them.

You might have had less pushback if you had worded it in that way, rather than suggesting the NE has an issue with homophobia.

It's the slow drip and constant minimisation of people who don't have a clue what it's like to be that minority. It's sad.

@SuperbOwls

Is there a new Mumsnet feature I've missed that shows posters' sexual orientation on their posts?
You have NO idea what the sexual orientation of anyone on this thread is. To assume that people are heterosexual by default is actually quite homophobic in itself.

[quote SarahAndQuack]@carefullycourageous - I don't think it was, really. I mean, they're four and five. They just think it's interesting and different. If we'd had a big dog I'm sure they'd have been yelling about that.

I think their parents would be really shocked and upset to imagine anyone thought their children were being homophobic, too. There are definitely a couple of sets of parents who have mentioned that they have siblings in same-sex parenting relationships, so they would (like posters on this thread) probably think of themselves as quite accepting.

It is likely, though, that if we lived somewhere with more other same-sex parents, no one would be talking about it in the playground because it would be boring and unremarkable, and for some children, that would be really important.[/quote]
You were there so I accept you know better than me about this incident!

My view is that there is a lot more homophobia than people like to admit. I have been genuinely shocked when moving a more rural place, I moved back to get away from it. I am not in a same-sex relationship, the casual comments about it really offended me.

@BoredZelda

Thanks to everyone who got my perfectly reasonable concerns about moving to an area where my children would, statistically speaking, be in more of a minority than they are now, and my need to think about the impact on them.

You might have had less pushback if you had worded it in that way, rather than suggesting the NE has an issue with homophobia.

But she didn't.

This is like that thread a few weeks ago where the OP was concerned that there was nothing to do outside London.

Newsflash OP, London isn't the only diverse cosmopolitan large city in the UK.

@BarbaraofSeville

This is like that thread a few weeks ago where the OP was concerned that there was nothing to do outside London.

Newsflash OP, London isn't the only diverse cosmopolitan large city in the UK.

Except it is about something serious, not dancing.

So nothing like it.

It's not your concerns that people are commenting on. It's the ignorant assumption that people in "the north" (of where?) are somehow more bigoted and/or sheltered. Backward, if you will. Its the being concerned about being discriminated against, whilst discriminating against others

This. As pp said, if it had been phrased as where are the more diverse/tolerant areas in the NE, or even how common are ss couples, this would have been a different thread.

But o/p has basically said the whole of the NE is bigoted and homophobic and she’s worried her child will get bullied if they move there. Of course people are defensive.

I know a londoner living in the north and honestly their “london is the best” attitude is what pisses people off. They of course think northerners are ignorant and stupid, when really they don’t agree with the all the jobs are in London, london is multicultural/diverse and all northerners are racist/homophobic/EDL narrative that is spouted at every opportunity.

My view is that there is a lot more homophobia than people like to admit. I have been genuinely shocked when moving a more rural place, I moved back to get away from it. I am not in a same-sex relationship, the casual comments about it really offended me.

I absolutely agree there's more homophobia than people admit.

I think the number of people who are comfortable opening saying they're anti-gay is probably fairly small (though it's always there). But an awful lot of people are casually homophobic in a knee-jerk way, and then feel really wounded if you point it out. This thread is like that.