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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU - My husband works very hard BUT

139 replies

amoanthread · 13/03/2022 12:35

He works very very hard. A couple of his own businesses. One that requires his time 6 days a week, from morning until night, out of the house and then also the other one that basically means when he does have time off, he should be working on that.

The second one has been around for a few months and basically means I cannot rely on him at all, even the very little time he does have at home. I am fed up.

I'm pregnant, about to give birth. I have health problems and have had a very difficult pregnancy and I also have a toddler. I also work full time. I'm sending my toddler to nursery full time and soon I'll be on maternity. But to be honest, I should pretty much be lying down most of the day and resting. That's how difficult this pregnancy is on my body. If I'm not throwing up, I am so exhausted I can't even lift my arms up. Now my PGP has come on with a vengeance, so moving around is extremely difficult.

I have help. A cleaner, once a week. I just about manage to do nursery drop off and pick up every day during the week. Weekends are a struggle.

For both of us if he's home, because he ' should be ' working on the second business. I am sick and tired of this set up and basically can't rely on him at all at home.

He's working so hard for his family, which makes me feel like I need to put up with it. But I can't see an end to it. He's working on a project and has been for months now and I asked today when is this fucking project finishing because I'm sick of not having any support / feeling bad if I ask for any support when he's home because I'm taking away time from the project.

Am I being unreasonable ? I guess toddler is at nursery all week and I do have a cleaner. So that's a lot of responsibility off my shoulders. I guess it's just because I'm pregnant and I struggle so much with pregnancy. As soon as my toddler was born last time, I actually felt miles better ( even though I was recovering from a c section ). So maybe once I've had the baby and have more strength physically, I will feel better and more able.

I feel bad for him too. He's really trying his best. But it frustrates me when he takes an hour to go to the bathroom and constant cigarette breaks and also gets to have lie ins on the days he's off and supposed to be working on second project. It's now 12:30 pm and he's only just started working after faffing all morning - as always.

But at the same time, he's been at work 6 days from morning until night, so this is essentially a ' day off '. It's very tricky as I don't know what to do and whether it's me who's being a dick. Or whether it's even as simple as that.

OP posts:
Krakenchorus · 13/03/2022 12:40

He is working hard. But he's not working harder than you. You work FT and take care of your dc after that. If he gets any time off, he's getting more than you.

amoanthread · 13/03/2022 12:43

May I add, I also obviously take care of all sickness and night wakings for toddler- which have been A LOT.

I'm on maternity soon though, so that should make things easier. But I still feel not easy enough. When I'm having a bad day, I literally fall asleep on the sofa sometimes, as I am so exhausted. Not very safe with a two year old running around.

I don't sleep for very long, but it's happened a couple of times. Which I am ashamed about.

OP posts:
OverTheRubicon · 13/03/2022 12:54

@Krakenchorus

He is working hard. But he's not working harder than you. You work FT and take care of your dc after that. If he gets any time off, he's getting more than you.
This. And you're not having it 'easier' if you're meant to be resting for medical reasons.

Do you urgently need the money? If not, is he always anxious about money?

If not I'd suggest that he's using this as a handy way to avoid responsibilities. I am a single mum in a male dominated industry and always have to bite my tongue when I meet my colleagues wives and they talk about how they can't work, or have to be part time in order for their husbands to work so hard. These men aren't better paid than I am, nor are they more productive - the distinguishing feature is that they all have young families and responsibilities they don't have to take on if they're always out at work events or working late. Many of them also have big hobbies like cycling or golf Hmm.

He needs to get his act together.

NoSquirrels · 13/03/2022 12:58

The second one has been around for a few months and basically means I cannot rely on him at all, even the very little time he does have at home.

Why did he start a second business at this objectively fucking idiotic time in your lives?

NoSquirrels · 13/03/2022 12:59

You work full time!

FFS it’s worse than I thought - I thought you were at home with toddler.

Why isn’t he doing night wakes and nursery drop offs and all that shit?

Why is the cleaner ‘your’ help?

amoanthread · 13/03/2022 12:59

@NoSquirrels

The second one has been around for a few months and basically means I cannot rely on him at all, even the very little time he does have at home.

Why did he start a second business at this objectively fucking idiotic time in your lives?

The opportunity came about. The second one is basically to alleviate stress from the first one. So we can have a more balanced life that gives him more time with us.
OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 13/03/2022 13:01

The second one is basically to alleviate stress from the first one. So we can have a more balanced life that gives him more time with us.

That’s working out well then Hmm

amoanthread · 13/03/2022 13:01

I mean eventually when the second one gets up and running properly. But yes I agree, not the best time at all.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 13/03/2022 13:03

Anyway, YANBU. He needs to dial back on the 6 days a week main job to a regular 5, then assess realistically if job 2 is a goer short-term, given your life circumstances, or if it needs to be more of a ‘in 3 years I will…’

Clymene · 13/03/2022 13:07

Wow. He's got it made. You're scurrying around doing all the wifework, pregnant again while he does his busywork. And he's convinced you that it's all for your and your kids' benefit

RiverSkater · 13/03/2022 13:09

What's the point of it all? Money to do what with, if you can't enjoy the family you have?

Sounds like he's stepped away from family life with his constant work, lie ins toilet and fag breaks. Do you get those breaks?

Does he do anything around the house and with you and your child? This will all be harder with a baby too.

amoanthread · 13/03/2022 13:09

@Clymene

Wow. He's got it made. You're scurrying around doing all the wifework, pregnant again while he does his busywork. And he's convinced you that it's all for your and your kids' benefit
Quite possibly there is some truth to that I don't know.

I also prefer to work than look after a toddler full time ! It's exhausting !! Work is way easier.

OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 13/03/2022 13:10

That doesn't sound like hard work. That sounds like doing what he wants to do. Did you agree this with him beforehand or does he just tell you what he's doing.

TravellingFrom · 13/03/2022 13:13

So we can have a more balanced life that gives him more time with us.

When though? Will it ever be like this?

When did this new project started? Conveniently just a few months ago when you started to really need help? When he should have gotten up with the toddler to ease things for you?
Yes he is working hard. He is also avoiding doing any parenting and is being a shit husband and father.

BronwenFrideswide · 13/03/2022 13:14

I feel bad for him too. He's really trying his best. But it frustrates me when he takes an hour to go to the bathroom and constant cigarette breaks and also gets to have lie ins on the days he's off and supposed to be working on second project. It's now 12:30 pm and he's only just started working after faffing all morning - as always.

He's NOT trying his best, if he was he would be up and sorting out getting this second project finished/up and running asap in order to make all your lives easier.

Clymene · 13/03/2022 13:14

I agree that looking after a toddler full time is exhausting. But you're going to be looking after a baby and a toddler on your own for a lot of the time very soon

7eleven · 13/03/2022 13:15

Tough times for you. Are you able financially to get even more help? Cleaner twice a week, good quality ready meals a couple of times a week, send your laundry out etc? I can see this from both sides. It’s an awful burden for you, but he’s working for the family, as are you, of course.

JustWonderingIfYou · 13/03/2022 13:15

If you're literally abou to give birth then just start mat leave now or get signed off if you are so sick. No need to soldier on, you don't need to prove anything to anyone.

If he's not started work until 12.30 why didn't you give him the toddler at 7am? You sound a bit like you are martyring yourself. Have you actually spoken to him and asked for more support?

Clymene · 13/03/2022 13:16

Your pregnancy is making you physically ill and instead of stepping up, he's just started a different thing which means he does fuck all.

I'm furious on your behalf.

JustWonderingIfYou · 13/03/2022 13:16

@Clymene

I agree that looking after a toddler full time is exhausting. But you're going to be looking after a baby and a toddler on your own for a lot of the time very soon
Not she's not. The toddler is at nursery 5 days a week. She does pick and drop offs and then has him 1 day of the weekend when her husband works the second business.
OneTonNoodles · 13/03/2022 13:19

Get a temporary au pair until the business is up and running?

Sounds like bad timing, pregnancy is an immediate situation where as the positive result from the business is more long term.

7eleven · 13/03/2022 13:20

@Clymene

Your pregnancy is making you physically ill and instead of stepping up, he's just started a different thing which means he does fuck all.

I'm furious on your behalf.

He’s not doing ‘fuck all’ though is he? He’s running two businesses. I’m not saying there’s not an issue, but he’s hardly lying on the sofa all day, gaming.
AthenaPopodopolous · 13/03/2022 13:21

Won’t the pay off of your husbands businesses and work ethic mean you will be wealthy? Would you be able to hire a mother’s help? He sounds like an up and coming Lord Sugar?

amoanthread · 13/03/2022 13:21

@JustWonderingIfYou

If you're literally abou to give birth then just start mat leave now or get signed off if you are so sick. No need to soldier on, you don't need to prove anything to anyone.

If he's not started work until 12.30 why didn't you give him the toddler at 7am? You sound a bit like you are martyring yourself. Have you actually spoken to him and asked for more support?

Yeah I was off sick last week actually just because I couldn't anymore. I've got a couple of weeks to get through and it's a critical time for work. So I will try to get back to it next week and do the bare minimum for now. My work has been great. I really can't complain about that. So I do want to soldier the last couple of weeks because they're important for the business.
OP posts:
Flossieskeeper · 13/03/2022 13:21

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