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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU - My husband works very hard BUT

139 replies

amoanthread · 13/03/2022 12:35

He works very very hard. A couple of his own businesses. One that requires his time 6 days a week, from morning until night, out of the house and then also the other one that basically means when he does have time off, he should be working on that.

The second one has been around for a few months and basically means I cannot rely on him at all, even the very little time he does have at home. I am fed up.

I'm pregnant, about to give birth. I have health problems and have had a very difficult pregnancy and I also have a toddler. I also work full time. I'm sending my toddler to nursery full time and soon I'll be on maternity. But to be honest, I should pretty much be lying down most of the day and resting. That's how difficult this pregnancy is on my body. If I'm not throwing up, I am so exhausted I can't even lift my arms up. Now my PGP has come on with a vengeance, so moving around is extremely difficult.

I have help. A cleaner, once a week. I just about manage to do nursery drop off and pick up every day during the week. Weekends are a struggle.

For both of us if he's home, because he ' should be ' working on the second business. I am sick and tired of this set up and basically can't rely on him at all at home.

He's working so hard for his family, which makes me feel like I need to put up with it. But I can't see an end to it. He's working on a project and has been for months now and I asked today when is this fucking project finishing because I'm sick of not having any support / feeling bad if I ask for any support when he's home because I'm taking away time from the project.

Am I being unreasonable ? I guess toddler is at nursery all week and I do have a cleaner. So that's a lot of responsibility off my shoulders. I guess it's just because I'm pregnant and I struggle so much with pregnancy. As soon as my toddler was born last time, I actually felt miles better ( even though I was recovering from a c section ). So maybe once I've had the baby and have more strength physically, I will feel better and more able.

I feel bad for him too. He's really trying his best. But it frustrates me when he takes an hour to go to the bathroom and constant cigarette breaks and also gets to have lie ins on the days he's off and supposed to be working on second project. It's now 12:30 pm and he's only just started working after faffing all morning - as always.

But at the same time, he's been at work 6 days from morning until night, so this is essentially a ' day off '. It's very tricky as I don't know what to do and whether it's me who's being a dick. Or whether it's even as simple as that.

OP posts:
amoanthread · 13/03/2022 13:23

@AthenaPopodopolous

Won’t the pay off of your husbands businesses and work ethic mean you will be wealthy? Would you be able to hire a mother’s help? He sounds like an up and coming Lord Sugar?
Hahah yes ! That's what the hope is ! We are already in a good position. But it means he has to work very hard. And so do I. He's trying to get it to the next level, so he doesn't need to work as much in a few years. Hopefully then it can be a Monday to Friday situation for him.
OP posts:
glowingcandle · 13/03/2022 13:24

This sounds completely ridiculous.

I do know a couple of women whose husbands work insane hours like this. They don't love it, but put up with it because the husbands earn so much money that the wives don't need to work and can afford help with childcare, cleaning etc. Doesn't sound like that's the case for you.

If he wants the best for his family maybe he should just get a normal job with good prospects, work hard, do overtime, aim for promotion etc. His businesses sound more like they're for his ego/vanity than actually wanting the best for you and your kids.

NoSquirrels · 13/03/2022 13:25

Why does he work 6 days on his first business?

Is it because he’s in demand and can’t fit the work into 5 days? (Solution: put prices up a little and work 5 days only. Small income hit but gain free time.)

Is it because the business doesn’t generate enough money only working 5 days? (Is business viable? What can be done e.g. marketing/efficiencies etc)

Is it because he doesn’t schedule time effectively?

Momicrone · 13/03/2022 13:27

If you have enough money, pay for help, and get him to give up smoking, he's got kids

Loopytiles · 13/03/2022 13:28

This seems a shit deal for you.

Why would you ‘obviously’ do all of the night parenting of your toddler? Your health and wellbeing is just as important as your H’s - and you’re pregnant!

I wouldn’t be willing to facilitate my H to do his paid work / seek to set up a second business as though he had no DC.

jowly · 13/03/2022 13:34

If you're about to give birth then surely you could be on mat leave now, and it sounds like you should be?

amoanthread · 13/03/2022 13:35

@jowly

If you're about to give birth then surely you could be on mat leave now, and it sounds like you should be?
A couple more weeks of work.
OP posts:
jowly · 13/03/2022 13:36

Mat leaves starts at 29 weeks if you're in the uk unless you're fit to work longer and it doesn't sound like you are OP

7eleven · 13/03/2022 13:38

@Momicrone

If you have enough money, pay for help, and get him to give up smoking, he's got kids
Good point
Inertia · 13/03/2022 13:39

If you both work full time you should be sharing any nighttime parenting for the toddler. If anything you should do less as you are pregnant.

If he packs in smoking it would save money , so you could then look into paying for a few hours support with childcare or temporarily dropping a day at work.

WorraLiberty · 13/03/2022 13:41

Mumsnet seems to be chock-a-block with DH's who 'work six days a week', or 'work very very hard', almost always leaving the wife to take care of absolutely everything indoors including the kids, even if they work outside of the home as well.

I'm always suspicious they're doing it because working outside of the home is much easier, if you have almost zero duties when you arrive home because you know....'you work long and hard hours' Hmm

I won't lie, when my DH is on annual leave and I get home from work, it's lovely that all the housework is done, dinner is made and all I have to do is relax.

When the kids were babies, if I'd had someone at home to pick up all the slack I probably would've been tempted to work longer hours too.

Geppili · 13/03/2022 13:41

"I feel bad for him too. He's really trying his best. But it frustrates me when he takes an hour to go to the bathroom and constant cigarette breaks and also gets to have lie ins on the days he's off and supposed to be working on second project. It's now 12:30 pm and he's only just started working after faffing all morning - as always."

He is taking the piss if he is taking hours procrastinating and having fag breaks. Does he smoke weed too?

How much money is he bringing in and how are your finances arranged?

Ponoka7 · 13/03/2022 13:42

I also think that it's busy work. What prompted the decision to have another baby? He needs reminding that time lost now can't be bought back. Unless his aim is to avoid the hard work years.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/03/2022 13:43

What's the point of him? You might as well be single. He's just taking the piss, pure and simple.

arethereanyleftatall · 13/03/2022 13:46

'I have help. A cleaner once a week.'

This is very very telling.

Would your husband write that sentence?

You both think that he is the golden cock. Difficult to make changes when you both have him on a pedestal.

EatSleepReplete · 13/03/2022 13:52

He wouldn't need to work 6 days a week if he started at 8:30 or 9 rather than messing about until 12:30. He's basically doing a 5 day week over 6 days by the sound of it. When you say he was "faffing about" what was he actually doing? Was it anything important or necessary?

HadaVerde · 13/03/2022 13:53

He is taking the piss if he is taking hours procrastinating and having fag breaks. Does he smoke weed too?

Procrastinating?

On a Sunday when he’s worked the previous 6 days?

Clearly he should spend Sunday flogging himself.

Flossieskeeper · 13/03/2022 13:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Luredbyapomegranate · 13/03/2022 13:59

No, this isn’t on - the second business has to wait.

Also he’s showing signs of burnout - the long breaks, not getting going in the morning

He needs to have some rest time, as do you, and he needs to take on enough of the kids that you don’t burn out also.

He’s unlikely to make a success of the business if he’s exhausted. Discuss w him the hours he can work that work for everyone - and then he either lays the second business aside, or gets someone to help with the first.

Luredbyapomegranate · 13/03/2022 14:01

@HadaVerde

He is taking the piss if he is taking hours procrastinating and having fag breaks. Does he smoke weed too?

Procrastinating?

On a Sunday when he’s worked the previous 6 days?

Clearly he should spend Sunday flogging himself.

I think what the PP is trying to say is that you can only work effectively for so many hours.

It sounds like at the weekends, the OP’s husband is trying to work, but too tired to, so he’s procrastinating which means he isn’t getting rest or getting anything done.

This leads to burnout, which he is likely already in.

Luredbyapomegranate · 13/03/2022 14:01

To tired TOO.. obvs

HadaVerde · 13/03/2022 14:04

I think what the PP is trying to say is that you can only work effectively for so many hours

I really don’t think that’s what they were saying at all.

JenniferBarkley · 13/03/2022 14:12

It sounds like at the weekends, the OP’s husband is trying to work, but too tired to, so he’s procrastinating which means he isn’t getting rest or getting anything done.

Doesn't sound like that at all to me. Sounds to me like he takes his sweet time getting ready and then "goes to do some work" rather than parenting his small child and doing something useful like cooking a meal and putting a wash on.

The women I know who do work really really hard for long hours are still involved parents who pull their weight at home.

Llamasally · 13/03/2022 14:19

Is he being as efficient as he can be? It doesn’t sound like it

Booboobadoo · 13/03/2022 14:25

'Burnt-out'? Oh really. So not just opting out of childcare and housework then? Whilst OP works full time whilst pregant and cares for a toddler.

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