AIBU - My husband works very hard BUT

[amoanthread]

He works very very hard. A couple of his own businesses. One that requires his time 6 days a week, from morning until night, out of the house and then also the other one that basically means when he does have time off, he should be working on that.

The second one has been around for a few months and basically means I cannot rely on him at all, even the very little time he does have at home. I am fed up.

I'm pregnant, about to give birth. I have health problems and have had a very difficult pregnancy and I also have a toddler. I also work full time. I'm sending my toddler to nursery full time and soon I'll be on maternity. But to be honest, I should pretty much be lying down most of the day and resting. That's how difficult this pregnancy is on my body. If I'm not throwing up, I am so exhausted I can't even lift my arms up. Now my PGP has come on with a vengeance, so moving around is extremely difficult.

I have help. A cleaner, once a week. I just about manage to do nursery drop off and pick up every day during the week. Weekends are a struggle.

For both of us if he's home, because he ' should be ' working on the second business. I am sick and tired of this set up and basically can't rely on him at all at home.

He's working so hard for his family, which makes me feel like I need to put up with it. But I can't see an end to it. He's working on a project and has been for months now and I asked today when is this fucking project finishing because I'm sick of not having any support / feeling bad if I ask for any support when he's home because I'm taking away time from the project.

Am I being unreasonable ? I guess toddler is at nursery all week and I do have a cleaner. So that's a lot of responsibility off my shoulders. I guess it's just because I'm pregnant and I struggle so much with pregnancy. As soon as my toddler was born last time, I actually felt miles better ( even though I was recovering from a c section ). So maybe once I've had the baby and have more strength physically, I will feel better and more able.

I feel bad for him too. He's really trying his best. But it frustrates me when he takes an hour to go to the bathroom and constant cigarette breaks and also gets to have lie ins on the days he's off and supposed to be working on second project. It's now 12:30 pm and he's only just started working after faffing all morning - as always.

But at the same time, he's been at work 6 days from morning until night, so this is essentially a ' day off '. It's very tricky as I don't know what to do and whether it's me who's being a dick. Or whether it's even as simple as that.

Yup. First one is very successful, apart from the hours it needs.

But it isn't very successful if it is causing this amount of strain on you. He needs to decide if it is feasible to take on an employee to help him and reduce the hours to a manageable level. If it isn't making enough money to do that, he needs to realise that it isn't a viable business really, and that he needs to go out and find a job that will be better for his family.

[quote LoisLane66]@amoanthread
It says a lot about you that you much prefer to be in work than spend time with your child (soon to be children)
Hard work looking after a 2 year old?
My DH worked offshore in times when the rotas were much longer than now.
We had 5 children together and I did all the work myself, no cleaner, no mum (she did it for me and my brothers)
It was a pleasure to walk them to and collect from school and do fun stuff after homework and tea. That time together is priceless. If DH wasn't home I took myself to hospital and came out the following day to take up the reins at home. Children stayed overnight with one of their teachers who was a long time friend. In fact, the children were so well behaved that she sometimes asked if she could take them to visit her mum (for the day) who lived about 70 miles away.
It's all about a degree of organisation but mostly about loving your children and making home a welcoming place to be. Children will always remember sitting on your knee and reading a well loved book, playing rounders in the park or making wonky jam tarts but will never remember whether or not their pyjamas were ironed.
Your kids will be long gone by the time you think you have enough money to live in luxury and they won't be there to share it. A large bank balance is cold comfort compared to memories made with your children.[/quote]
Oh piss off. The OP has a career. That's great because you can be an awesome mother and still have a career in the 21st century!

Your children might have a great relationship with you but I bet they barely know your husband.

And that's the point.

@LoisLane66

It says a lot about you that you much prefer to be in work than spend time with your child (soon to be children)

And yet...

My DH worked offshore in times when the rotas were much longer than now.

So surely by your own standards, it should say "a lot about" your husband that HE chose to work away? From his five children. And wife.

Or is it only women's choices you take issue with? I already know the answer to that as you're positively brimming with misogyny on almost every thread you pop up on.

We had 5 children together and I did all the work myself, no cleaner, no mum (she did it for me and my brothers)

That's fine for you. You claim to be happy with your choice. Shaming other mums with ridiculous comments like "it says a lot about you that you'd rather be at work" then following up with a comment about how your own husband worked away makes you look not only silly but reveals what a terribly judgemental misogynist you are.

You had five children when the other parent worked away for long stretches. Some people would think that was a bit sad for all involved tbh. Maybe that's why you're always so angry on here with other women who made / are making different choices 🤷🏻‍♀️

We are also bombarded with the dream messaging aren't we. You have to suffer and work your arse off to make it big in life etc. at whatever cost it seems. It's also how some people have been raised etc.

We are bombarded with consumerism. We live in a capitalist society. And we can see what a mess that has produced.

I have drummed into my children since they were tiny that behind advertising is a person who wants your money. That there is an endless supply of people who want to take your money. And most of them are greedy.

I deliberately sent them to schools with strong messaging about social justice.

Honestly what good is any of this material gain if it separates us from people we love?

I look at those stories of people like the. Beckwiths in astonishment, how can any one person genuinely believe they should have so many possessions when we can all see so clearly there are so many with nothing?

Sorry that was a rant and not relevant to your situation. You are no vapid socialite.

But having sat beside my sister as she died, her life reduced to a small box containing a bunch of legal documents, I feel compelled to tell you that the true wealth is in your time together. If you both earn and are sensible with your money, invest in your relationship with each other and your children. It will pay more dividends than any financial investment.

[quote flounfer]@sweetbellyhigh my dad was a poor immigrant & wanting security made him a workaholic. My mum was neglected though & they separated & I would have liked my dad to be around. I made a conscious decision not to marry someone who's not a workaholic. [/quote]
That's very sad for you and your parents.

I can fully understand the anxiety of new migrants to establish themselves and provide for their families but as you experienced, what children need most - after shelter and food - is time.

It says a lot about you that you much prefer to be in work than spend time with your child (soon to be children)
Hard work looking after a 2 year old? My DH worked offshore in times when the rotas were much longer than now.

It was a pleasure to walk them to and collect from school and do fun stuff after homework and tea. That time together is priceless.

Obviously your husband didn't share your enthusiasm for his kids cos he preferred to work in a job that meant spending every waking hour away from them and you.

OP, your health - and the baby's health - are the most important things right now.

Your dh needs to appreciate that and so do you. You working yourself into the ground to keep all the plates spinning isn't feasible, even if it was desirable (which it isn't).

Take a step back and focus on you and your health. If you need to take sick leave, or start your maternity leave early, then do it.

If you need your dh to step up and take over some of the school runs, housework, childcare, then do it. Tell him he needs to do the night waking, laundry, cooking, whatever areas you find most exhausting and think can be handed over most effectively. The chores aren't 'yours' - they're shared, and it is absolutely unreasonable for him to expect an exhausted pregnant woman to do them all on top of a full-time job.

Tell him you've had enough, you're putting yourself and the baby first. And then stop doing everything.

Work can wait. Chores can wait. Babies in utero can't wait.

@Butchyrestingface

It says a lot about you that you much prefer to be in work than spend time with your child (soon to be children) Hard work looking after a 2 year old? My DH worked offshore in times when the rotas were much longer than now.

It was a pleasure to walk them to and collect from school and do fun stuff after homework and tea. That time together is priceless.

Obviously your husband didn't share your enthusiasm for his kids cos he preferred to work in a job that meant spending every waking hour away from them and you.

He worked long hours so she would have the liberty of caring for their child as a SAHM.

It seems to me that many moms on here have a very unrealistic view of marriage.

You want men to earn money and be the providers so you can benefit, but at the same time you want them to put more time into childcare to make your life easier.

You cannot have it both ways.

You can either choose to financially benefit (and thus end up with most of the childcare), or pick up more of the financial burden (via PT or FT work) which means a more complex life with nurseries, schedules, and negotiated family time.

If you want to be a SAHM, then you are in charge of the FT childcare. That is your job now.

Time to face reality.

OP I’m struggling with your posts to be honest.

Clearly any reasonable man would cut back on work to help you out given how unwell you are. Although I’m not sure how either of you failed to foresee this.

You also seem to be demanding some unnecessary unachievable, aspirational, material, money driven life. And that’s driving all this. And it’s really sad. Step back, cut your outgoings, both go part time. Sounds like you have the luxury to do so but you’re choosing not to. So sympathy here is limited.

Lots of people talking about 'workaholic' partners on this thread. That's a word often imbued with a sort of masculine pride. But lets call it what it is: it's selfish.

If you need to work long hours to earn enough money to support your family, that's something entirely different. 'Workaholic' is when you want to work long hours, and generally it's because of ego.

If you're single or a young couple who are both ambitious, fine - crack on. But when you have kids, you suddenly get additional responsibilities as a parent. At that point, choosing to ignore your half of those responsibilities, or leaving your partner to pick them up is selfish. (Again, if it's a choice and not a need.)

@BambinaJAS -the OP works full time. If you want to have a go at SAHMs, this isn't the thread. It's irrelevant. As are the views of @LoisLane66 (and never has a poster picked a less appropriate name)

@BambinaJAS

Please return to the 50s

[quote LoisLane66]@amoanthread
It says a lot about you that you much prefer to be in work than spend time with your child (soon to be children)
Hard work looking after a 2 year old?
My DH worked offshore in times when the rotas were much longer than now.
We had 5 children together and I did all the work myself, no cleaner, no mum (she did it for me and my brothers)
It was a pleasure to walk them to and collect from school and do fun stuff after homework and tea. That time together is priceless. If DH wasn't home I took myself to hospital and came out the following day to take up the reins at home. Children stayed overnight with one of their teachers who was a long time friend. In fact, the children were so well behaved that she sometimes asked if she could take them to visit her mum (for the day) who lived about 70 miles away.
It's all about a degree of organisation but mostly about loving your children and making home a welcoming place to be. Children will always remember sitting on your knee and reading a well loved book, playing rounders in the park or making wonky jam tarts but will never remember whether or not their pyjamas were ironed.
Your kids will be long gone by the time you think you have enough money to live in luxury and they won't be there to share it. A large bank balance is cold comfort compared to memories made with your children.[/quote]
And this wins the prize for the most patronising post of the day. Are you feeling suitably ashamed yet, working mums?

@BambinaJAS it seems to me that many moms on here have a very unrealistic view of marriage. You want men to earn money and be the providers so you can benefit, but at the same time you want them to put more time into childcare to make your life easier.

Actually op is also working full time. She's a provider too - but a provider who is also doing all the childcare and other jobs.
In a fairer relationship they could of course mutually decide for her to be a sahp, that can be great. But in this situation it sounds really inadvisable, because he's either a selfish arse or he's working this much because his self employment situation is really precarious. Either way, her quitting and relying on him is a poor idea.