AIBU - My husband works very hard BUT

[amoanthread]

He works very very hard. A couple of his own businesses. One that requires his time 6 days a week, from morning until night, out of the house and then also the other one that basically means when he does have time off, he should be working on that.

The second one has been around for a few months and basically means I cannot rely on him at all, even the very little time he does have at home. I am fed up.

I'm pregnant, about to give birth. I have health problems and have had a very difficult pregnancy and I also have a toddler. I also work full time. I'm sending my toddler to nursery full time and soon I'll be on maternity. But to be honest, I should pretty much be lying down most of the day and resting. That's how difficult this pregnancy is on my body. If I'm not throwing up, I am so exhausted I can't even lift my arms up. Now my PGP has come on with a vengeance, so moving around is extremely difficult.

I have help. A cleaner, once a week. I just about manage to do nursery drop off and pick up every day during the week. Weekends are a struggle.

For both of us if he's home, because he ' should be ' working on the second business. I am sick and tired of this set up and basically can't rely on him at all at home.

He's working so hard for his family, which makes me feel like I need to put up with it. But I can't see an end to it. He's working on a project and has been for months now and I asked today when is this fucking project finishing because I'm sick of not having any support / feeling bad if I ask for any support when he's home because I'm taking away time from the project.

Am I being unreasonable ? I guess toddler is at nursery all week and I do have a cleaner. So that's a lot of responsibility off my shoulders. I guess it's just because I'm pregnant and I struggle so much with pregnancy. As soon as my toddler was born last time, I actually felt miles better ( even though I was recovering from a c section ). So maybe once I've had the baby and have more strength physically, I will feel better and more able.

I feel bad for him too. He's really trying his best. But it frustrates me when he takes an hour to go to the bathroom and constant cigarette breaks and also gets to have lie ins on the days he's off and supposed to be working on second project. It's now 12:30 pm and he's only just started working after faffing all morning - as always.

But at the same time, he's been at work 6 days from morning until night, so this is essentially a ' day off '. It's very tricky as I don't know what to do and whether it's me who's being a dick. Or whether it's even as simple as that.

He might be working hard, but he's certainly not working efficiently, which probably makes him less effective at both jobs.

I said it's inefficient @BambinaJAS. I stand by that. I'm on my third successful business.

@Clymene

I said it's inefficient *@BambinaJAS*. I stand by that. I'm on my third successful business.

You cannot compare Business A with Business B like that.

Running say a business consultancy is very, very different vs running a shop in a small town.

When your clients are global (or based in London), you are on the clock pretty much all the time.

Thats how you bill more and make money.

I mean over the long term. Sure at the beginning, you put in the hours. But you should be either taking on someone else or getting out if you're still doing that 3 years down the line. And to take on another project when you're already spending zero time with your wife and family when your wife is very unwell is cruel.

As I said, if he's got time to do long luxurious shits, he's got time to take his toddler to play school. He just doesn't want to.

You have no idea what kind of business I run but it's much closer to your first example than the second. And I work internationally. Thanks for your advice though

What was his answer when you asked how long his new project is going to take? When does he think he'll "make it"?

Also, he needs to quit smoking. He'll be much more productive without wasting all those minutes every day. It's also bad for your childrens health.

at the beginning, you put in the hours. But you should be either taking on someone else or getting out if you're still doing that 3 years down the line

I agree with this. It’s about whether your business model is scalable - taking on other people is possible - or not, in which case you need to accept your ‘business’ relies on one person and is not a business in that sense, but a self-employment income that has a cap on earnings and should he looked at in that way for work-life balance.

No way of knowing which the OP’s husband has from info on this thread.

@Clymene

You have no idea what kind of business I run but it's much closer to your first example than the second. And I work internationally. Thanks for your advice though

Thats nice. I live internationally.

When is your day off?

Why haven't you taken Maternity leave yet?

With HG and PGP and a toddler I was signed off sick the majority of my pregnancy and started mat leave at 29 weeks.

Working 6 day weeks isn't that unusual. But it's obviously making things tough for you atm, so admit it and take Maternity leave. Or if you can, get signed off sick for the last 2/3 weeks before your mat leave starts. Honestly sounds like your making yourself a martyr. Just admit defeat this time. It doesn't mean a failure, just admitting what your body needs right now.

JustWonderingIfYou The OP doesn’t look after the toddler full time. She works full time, whilst toddler in nursery. Apart from that, she does all drop offs and pick ups. Plus a full day on the weekend.

@JustWonderingIfYou The OP doesn’t look after the toddler full time. She works full time, whilst toddler in nursery. Apart from that, she does all drop offs and pick ups. Plus a full day on the weekend.

The thing I would be most worried about is your DH health.Is he fit,eats a healthy diet and exercises? It sounds as if he just works 7 days a week.The worse part is he smokes so combined with the lifestyle he is a candidate for heart attack or a stroke then all the money in the world will be for nothing apart from private medical care.Can this be worth it you are exhausted and fed up,your child has no family life.What is the point?Do you come from a family of high achievers where money is the end game?Please stop and think.Life is short.

You will perhaps feel better after your baby is born, if you have had a difficult pregnancy, But it's a bit sad, that you have mentioned, that you would rather be at work, than have any children runnng around.!

If you're working at the expense of your pregnant wife's health, you're not doing it for her or your children, you're doing it for you.

Jam tomorrow is a shit philosophy when you have loved people you should be spending time and energy on. It's an addiction. There's always a next deal or a new project or it's making the first million and then the second. There's always a new oasis shimmering on the horizon, shimmering just out of reach

You would be better off a single parent - at least you would get every other weekend off. Tell him you didn’t sign up to this nonsense. My other half went nuts working 7 days a week , I think he was paranoid about being the breadwinner whilst I. Was on maternity. You know deep down he is being unreasonable. You need to lay it out and tell him exactly what you want. A list - so no excuses

Sounds like he picks and chooses when to opt into family life. His intention to put the ground work into the business now so it's easier going forward is good for him, but right now he should he supporting you and being a father to his current child.

he's got enough time to go for long luxurious shits made me snort.

No one needs an hour on the toilet (unless, perhaps, someone with disabilities).

Fifteen minutes, max, then get up, walk around, do something useful, revisit as necessary. Your vowels will thank you.

I know that you don't want to let people down at work, OP, but late pregnancy with PGP is no walk in the park.

And when you do finally stop working, you'll have childbirth to recover from and a baby and toddler to look after.

Honestly, if you went on mat leave now, your colleagues would cope. Just as they did last week when you were ill.

Can one of you cut your hours? It doesn't sound like a sustainable situation.

I guarantee you'll be back on here in 5 years time to moan how you've had to scale back your career smsnd do all the wife work.
100% this man is skipping out of parenting. The whole working to build our fortune is utter rubbish.
Sorry but you've married someone who does not respect what you do and never will.
You could try shocking him into change now. As a last chance.

The second opportunity happens to have come about as I needed more help.
What a coincidence. Do you really believe he will have so much more time for family, just needs to get through this additional load phase he’s taken onto himself just at the time you actually need him? I’ve recently gone on mat leave wiht dc3, I needed Dh, he knows I’d rather he quit his job than let me down, he took 3 weeks off when baby was born because he wanted to be there for us, and he will take paternity leave for a few months when I go back to work (whcih he hasn’t had as an option before). We both work hard and are successful at high pressure full time jobs and are well paid, but aren’t willing to throw our family under a bus just when we are needed most for those same jobs. What would happen if you actually needed your dh? If something when wrong with the birth? If you found it harder than expected? In a few years when you find school hard to juggle without two parents in the juggle? If he isn’t there for you and his family when you need him most now, the likelihood is he also won’t be later. Under the convenient ‘Im doing it for us’ line.

I think you are right. But it's also because we both want so much financial gain from life. We both do. Myself included. I'm not happy just with the average life, I want a lot. But I think I need to adjust my expectations. Because it always comes at a cost to be so financially driven

I have been in a similar position.
Dh was a workaholic I tried to hold the family together as a SAHM.
Dh worked away 3weeks in every four to the point that the dc didn’t miss him at all.
They have a very strained relationship with him now.
The closeness others seem to have with their father isn’t there

For the dream to become extremely well off from what I have seen from those that pursue it is that at some point the houses, cars etc become what you are working for and not your family. Then on divorce 50% of it disappears and instead of extremely well off you become averagely well off. Below where you would have been if you hadn’t spent your life pursuing a dream.
The only couple I know who have stuck it out really hate each other but refuse to go for a divorce as they don’t want to move from the home/mansion they live in or part with their yacht cars etc

Either one party gets fed up of being on their own and thinks no amount of money is worth not seeing their children grow up.
Or getting to the point where everything you desire is within your grasp then it terrifies you that much that you sabotage your life so you can keep doing what you know

Unless you connect as a family a few nights per week or have day trips out and holidays together then the danger is that having fun becomes harder work and the guilt takes over and work is the only thing you know. The only thing you can do.
I have seen enough men and women with partners who have dragged them out for a night out who you can tell they are acting like they are enjoying themselves but are twitching at the thought that they are wasting a few precious hours in which they could be working.

I agree with the poster who suggested that you both sit down and work out how your work/life balance is going to be managed over the next few years.

My DH and I started a side business a couple of years ago, right before the pandemic.😂 We’ve managed to keep it afloat, but the time we need to devote to it has been a shock. We can manage because we have teenagers and I’m self-employed so I can set my own hours. Like your DH, the side business is also somewhat of a stress reliever for my DH so it’s not all about money. Eventually, he’d like to retire from his corporate job and do it FT. But we’re at a different life stage to you ( late 40’s) so it’s more manageable.

In the meantime, get outside help with whatever you need and be honest with your DH about the lack of time you spend together. It doesn’t need to be an argument, just point out that he’s missing out on family life-is that what he really wants?

@amoanthread
It says a lot about you that you much prefer to be in work than spend time with your child (soon to be children)
Hard work looking after a 2 year old?
My DH worked offshore in times when the rotas were much longer than now.
We had 5 children together and I did all the work myself, no cleaner, no mum (she did it for me and my brothers)
It was a pleasure to walk them to and collect from school and do fun stuff after homework and tea. That time together is priceless. If DH wasn't home I took myself to hospital and came out the following day to take up the reins at home. Children stayed overnight with one of their teachers who was a long time friend. In fact, the children were so well behaved that she sometimes asked if she could take them to visit her mum (for the day) who lived about 70 miles away.
It's all about a degree of organisation but mostly about loving your children and making home a welcoming place to be. Children will always remember sitting on your knee and reading a well loved book, playing rounders in the park or making wonky jam tarts but will never remember whether or not their pyjamas were ironed.
Your kids will be long gone by the time you think you have enough money to live in luxury and they won't be there to share it. A large bank balance is cold comfort compared to memories made with your children.