AIBU - My husband works very hard BUT

[amoanthread]

He works very very hard. A couple of his own businesses. One that requires his time 6 days a week, from morning until night, out of the house and then also the other one that basically means when he does have time off, he should be working on that.

The second one has been around for a few months and basically means I cannot rely on him at all, even the very little time he does have at home. I am fed up.

I'm pregnant, about to give birth. I have health problems and have had a very difficult pregnancy and I also have a toddler. I also work full time. I'm sending my toddler to nursery full time and soon I'll be on maternity. But to be honest, I should pretty much be lying down most of the day and resting. That's how difficult this pregnancy is on my body. If I'm not throwing up, I am so exhausted I can't even lift my arms up. Now my PGP has come on with a vengeance, so moving around is extremely difficult.

I have help. A cleaner, once a week. I just about manage to do nursery drop off and pick up every day during the week. Weekends are a struggle.

For both of us if he's home, because he ' should be ' working on the second business. I am sick and tired of this set up and basically can't rely on him at all at home.

He's working so hard for his family, which makes me feel like I need to put up with it. But I can't see an end to it. He's working on a project and has been for months now and I asked today when is this fucking project finishing because I'm sick of not having any support / feeling bad if I ask for any support when he's home because I'm taking away time from the project.

Am I being unreasonable ? I guess toddler is at nursery all week and I do have a cleaner. So that's a lot of responsibility off my shoulders. I guess it's just because I'm pregnant and I struggle so much with pregnancy. As soon as my toddler was born last time, I actually felt miles better ( even though I was recovering from a c section ). So maybe once I've had the baby and have more strength physically, I will feel better and more able.

I feel bad for him too. He's really trying his best. But it frustrates me when he takes an hour to go to the bathroom and constant cigarette breaks and also gets to have lie ins on the days he's off and supposed to be working on second project. It's now 12:30 pm and he's only just started working after faffing all morning - as always.

But at the same time, he's been at work 6 days from morning until night, so this is essentially a ' day off '. It's very tricky as I don't know what to do and whether it's me who's being a dick. Or whether it's even as simple as that.

Go out for the day next time it's his day for the second job. He shouldn't have the second business now. If he wants to do this second buisness he can do it when toddler is asleep

The cleaner isn’t taking responsibility of your shoulders alone! My goodness how have you become saddled with the wife work like a 1950s housewife!

You are both parents, you both live In the house. Why are the children and the house primarily your responsibility?

Is this the type of old fashioned gender role you want you children to grow up with?

Well financially does he need both jobs?

Sit him down and tell him he needs to get a better job that pays what he gets from him businesses without incurring onto your family time. If he needs to work this hard there is clearly something not working - unless he is using it as an excuse. Are you sure he is really working (rather than just faffing to avoid sharing his load of the family work). You deserve better.

I have worked with a number of men, and a few women, who work long hours, travel on business, earn plenty, and believe that they are doing it for the benefit of their families.

I sometimes point out that they hardly ever see their families, and are building their families a life without them.

They mostly get divorced.

@flounfer

Well financially does he need both jobs?

It's more like the second is a means to an end to eventually improve the first. The second opportunity happens to have come about as I needed more help.

It was hard before, but now a lot harder. But the idea is that it eventually pays off and without seizing this opportunity, the first one will always be very very demanding. Trying not to give all specifics of course.

But it's not just some made you BS.

I meant 'it's not just some made UP BS'

@PigletJohn

I have worked with a number of men, and a few women, who work long hours, travel on business, earn plenty, and believe that they are doing it for the benefit of their families.

I sometimes point out that they hardly ever see their families, and are building their families a life without them.

They mostly get divorced.

It's a huge sacrifice to make. I have said plenty of times, I would rather have a bit less than this kind of lifestyle we have now.

YANBU. He is a workaholic. My DH is too 😔 Workaholics believe that they are working so hard “for the family” and that the family should be grateful. If the family ask for their time, the workaholic gets sad and hostile.

However, they’re actually self-deluded: they are choosing to work that hard for the money and prestige it brings, not ‘for the family’ who usually would much prefer a loving supportive relationship to the cash (which the workaholic rarely shares 50:50 anyway). Workaholism also enables the husband to avoid things they find boring (or they think are beneath them) like housework, emotional support of wife, and childcare.

Most wives of workaholics either leave the marriage, or quit work so that they’re able to manage the children/home responsibilities and then later when the chikdren are older, accept the boredom/ lack of own career. Wives of workaholics are rarely extremely happy people.

If you’re pregnant and poorly and working and married to a workaholic then 😱😱😱😱

I can’t solve this for you, but I can tell you that you are not being a dick and that having a cleaner once a week isn’t making up for the rest of the situation.

I wish you the best of luck with it xxxxx

@Thewindwhispers

YANBU. He is a workaholic. My DH is too 😔 Workaholics believe that they are working so hard “for the family” and that the family should be grateful. If the family ask for their time, the workaholic gets sad and hostile.

However, they’re actually self-deluded: they are choosing to work that hard for the money and prestige it brings, not ‘for the family’ who usually would much prefer a loving supportive relationship to the cash (which the workaholic rarely shares 50:50 anyway). Workaholism also enables the husband to avoid things they find boring (or they think are beneath them) like housework, emotional support of wife, and childcare.

Most wives of workaholics either leave the marriage, or quit work so that they’re able to manage the children/home responsibilities and then later when the chikdren are older, accept the boredom/ lack of own career. Wives of workaholics are rarely extremely happy people.

If you’re pregnant and poorly and working and married to a workaholic then 😱😱😱😱

I can’t solve this for you, but I can tell you that you are not being a dick and that having a cleaner once a week isn’t making up for the rest of the situation.

I wish you the best of luck with it xxxxx

I think you are right. But it's also because we both want so much financial gain from life. We both do. Myself included. I'm not happy just with the average life, I want a lot. But I think I need to adjust my expectations. Because it always comes at a cost to be so financially driven.

6 days a week?! He's going to work himself into an early grave having never spent any quality time with his family - what is the point in that?

Does his first business make money NOW? Or is it a case if you’ve agreed he should ‘build it up to the next level’ but it’s actually not financially viable at this level?

It’s hard to know if he’s a driven businessman with an actual realisable plan, or a bloke with a ‘business’ that will never scale.

And your FT work is not less important than his - indeed, you might argue it’s more so, given that you need to satisfy an employer and he is his own boss- but you weirdly seem to see doing all the domestic stuff as your job.

The second business is a red herring - unless it can scale fast, now is not the time to be pursuing it.

@NoSquirrels

Does his first business make money NOW? Or is it a case if you’ve agreed he should ‘build it up to the next level’ but it’s actually not financially viable at this level?

It’s hard to know if he’s a driven businessman with an actual realisable plan, or a bloke with a ‘business’ that will never scale.

And your FT work is not less important than his - indeed, you might argue it’s more so, given that you need to satisfy an employer and he is his own boss- but you weirdly seem to see doing all the domestic stuff as your job.

The second business is a red herring - unless it can scale fast, now is not the time to be pursuing it.

Yup. First one is very successful, apart from the hours it needs.

"I'm not happy just with the average life, I want a lot."

Your lifestyle is costing you a lot at the moment.

Why does it need so many hours, though? Is it scalable with more staff etc or will it always be dependent on his own time/skill?

But it's also because we both want so much financial gain from life. We both do. Myself included. I'm not happy just with the average life,

Then you need to accept work will likely dominate 🤷🏻‍♀️

thestorytellers.com/the-businessman-and-the-fisherman/

Plus when it's your own business it's very hard to switch off.

You sound like you don't know what you want OP.

You want to stop work, but you want to work. You want him to reduce hours but don't want him to reduce hours. You want more money but you want more family time. Everything you want contradicts itself!

It was hard before, but now a lot harder. But the idea is that it eventually pays off and without seizing this opportunity, the first one will always be very very demanding. Trying not to give all specifics of course.

But that's the pay off, you can't have it both ways although of course the issue is when it doesn't come through.

If you’re both career/success driven then you need to spend correspondingly on services/people to facilitate family life…

@flounfer

But it's also because we both want so much financial gain from life. We both do. Myself included. I'm not happy just with the average life,

Then you need to accept work will likely dominate 🤷🏻‍♀️

I usually can. It's just hard at the moment especially.

I'm confused.

The second business is a means to eventually improving the first, but the first is very successful.

Have you and your dh actually ever sat down and thought the next few years, of two businesses another full-time workers and two young children through?

If you do, I suspect that you'll find you need much help than a cleaner once a week to keep the wheels on the wagon.

Could you afford a mother's help type person to help with day-to-day childcare and light housework?

Then you just need to outsource as much as possible.

Sorry, load of typos in my last post...

Have you and your dh actually ever sat down and thought through the next few years, with two all-consuming businesses on the go, another full-time worker and two very young children?

Is what I meant to say