AIBU - My husband works very hard BUT

[amoanthread]

He works very very hard. A couple of his own businesses. One that requires his time 6 days a week, from morning until night, out of the house and then also the other one that basically means when he does have time off, he should be working on that.

The second one has been around for a few months and basically means I cannot rely on him at all, even the very little time he does have at home. I am fed up.

I'm pregnant, about to give birth. I have health problems and have had a very difficult pregnancy and I also have a toddler. I also work full time. I'm sending my toddler to nursery full time and soon I'll be on maternity. But to be honest, I should pretty much be lying down most of the day and resting. That's how difficult this pregnancy is on my body. If I'm not throwing up, I am so exhausted I can't even lift my arms up. Now my PGP has come on with a vengeance, so moving around is extremely difficult.

I have help. A cleaner, once a week. I just about manage to do nursery drop off and pick up every day during the week. Weekends are a struggle.

For both of us if he's home, because he ' should be ' working on the second business. I am sick and tired of this set up and basically can't rely on him at all at home.

He's working so hard for his family, which makes me feel like I need to put up with it. But I can't see an end to it. He's working on a project and has been for months now and I asked today when is this fucking project finishing because I'm sick of not having any support / feeling bad if I ask for any support when he's home because I'm taking away time from the project.

Am I being unreasonable ? I guess toddler is at nursery all week and I do have a cleaner. So that's a lot of responsibility off my shoulders. I guess it's just because I'm pregnant and I struggle so much with pregnancy. As soon as my toddler was born last time, I actually felt miles better ( even though I was recovering from a c section ). So maybe once I've had the baby and have more strength physically, I will feel better and more able.

I feel bad for him too. He's really trying his best. But it frustrates me when he takes an hour to go to the bathroom and constant cigarette breaks and also gets to have lie ins on the days he's off and supposed to be working on second project. It's now 12:30 pm and he's only just started working after faffing all morning - as always.

But at the same time, he's been at work 6 days from morning until night, so this is essentially a ' day off '. It's very tricky as I don't know what to do and whether it's me who's being a dick. Or whether it's even as simple as that.

@flounfer

Plus when it's your own business it's very hard to switch off.

Switching off is called putting boundaries around your family life and respecting them. That’s actually,Imo, one of the most basic skills to have when you have a business. Unless you want a life that is only about business ….

…. until you retire and then you have nothing left
… until you get ill and your whole life worth is tied up in you being able to work and you can’t.
… until your dcs leaves home (on your DP has enough for that matter) and you realise you have spent any real time with them.

Is it harder to switch off when it’s your business? Maybe
But it’s mostly a question of choice

@Twitterwhooooo

Sorry, load of typos in my last post...

Have you and your dh actually ever sat down and thought through the next few years, with two all-consuming businesses on the go, another full-time worker and two very young children?

Is what I meant to say

You know what. It's a really good point. We just assume I'll be fine to manage it because I won't be pregnant and nursery plus cleaners is enough. But we may have to rethink as I will also be back at work etc.

@flounfer

Then you just need to outsource as much as possible.

I had someone help me before but I moved and it's harder to find here. Also when I'm not pregnant, I can handle a lot more - basically.

My mother is coming to help me when babe is born. Thankfully.

Some parents (usually dads but not always) don't seem to realise that their kids will never remember, nor indeed care about, the time they spent at the office/work. But their kids will remember those times they took them to the park or on a boating lake or a night camping or whatever.

I work in the end of life sector (funeral celebrant) so I speak to a lot of people's grown up children about their memories of their now deceased parents and it's amazing what they each remember, but it's ALWAYS the smaller things in life... Appreciate we all need to earn money to enjoy certain things in life but if it's not an absolute financial necessity (which it is for some unfortunately) then the extra few quid of working so hard really isn't worth it in the long run.

We just assume I'll be fine to manage it because I won't be pregnant and nursery plus cleaners is enough.

“We” assume that “I’ll be fine to manage it”.

I’d definitely start looking clearly at your (joint and individual) assumptions…

@PigletJohn

I have worked with a number of men, and a few women, who work long hours, travel on business, earn plenty, and believe that they are doing it for the benefit of their families.

I sometimes point out that they hardly ever see their families, and are building their families a life without them.

They mostly get divorced.

Yeah exactly.

@7eleven - I run my own business. It's successful. I very rarely put in the hours the OP's husband does because I run my own business in order to have more flexibility to spend time with my family. If you're regularly putting in 70+ hours a week, you're either doing something wrong or you're ducking out of family life.

It's very convenient that he's got enough time to go for long luxurious shits and have endless fag breaks but not enough time to take his kid to nursery even though his wife is so ill from being pregnant with his child that she's taking sick leave.

Well, these conversations only usually happen when one or both parties are at the end of their tether, so now's the time!

It's not just about whether 'you'll manage' with a toddler and a baby, but about making choices that enable both of you to enjoy as decent a quality of life as possible within the resources you have available to you.

So, proper time scales for business development - what's the plan for 1/3/5/10 years time? When will you set aside time to review and adjust forecast etc? For both businesses .

And what help can you afford at the moment that would be helpful? Au pair? Nanny? Cleaner more often? Delivered meals?

And how you both have the opportunity to down time and family time on a week by week basis.

We had someone help us.

To help us.

Just fixed your pronouns a bit there for you op.

@arethereanyleftatall

We had someone help us.

To help us.

Just fixed your pronouns a bit there for you op.

Good point 👍

@Twitterwhooooo

Well, these conversations only usually happen when one or both parties are at the end of their tether, so now's the time!

It's not just about whether 'you'll manage' with a toddler and a baby, but about making choices that enable both of you to enjoy as decent a quality of life as possible within the resources you have available to you.

So, proper time scales for business development - what's the plan for 1/3/5/10 years time? When will you set aside time to review and adjust forecast etc? For both businesses .

And what help can you afford at the moment that would be helpful? Au pair? Nanny? Cleaner more often? Delivered meals?

And how you both have the opportunity to down time and family time on a week by week basis.

We do need to really plan it. You're right.

I think you are right. But it's also because we both want so much financial gain from life. We both do. Myself included. I'm not happy just with the average life, I want a lot. But I think I need to adjust my expectations. Because it always comes at a cost to be so financially driven.

And the cost is what you are paying NOW.
It’s also the cost your dcs are paying when they don’t get to see their dcs.
I’m wondering, what is the cost to him?
And are you really happy to pay that cost? I mean are you ALL a happy to pay that cost, not just him as the ‘businessman’ but you and also the dcs (even though they wouldn’t be able to explain that to you obviously)

The fact you have been posting on MN is telling that the cost is too much just now.
The fact that you have to remind yourself you want that too tells me that actually, just now, you DON’T really want that.you’d prefer some help and support from. For him to be more present.

You need to reassess what it is you really want. And check that all ‘I want more than the average life’ is actually taking into account YOUR needs too. And these needs will be very different just right now with a baby and a toddler…

Btw the fact he is working all hours etc… doesn’t mean he shouldn’t get up during the night for the toddler. You are working full time. When you’re nit a work you are looking after a toddler whilst being ill.
The least he could do is to at least take on some of the workload at night. At least until you give birth. And then afterwards when you’ll already deal with a baby waking up.
Wanting money and being financially loaded doesn’t com with a pass to stop being a parent

Why do people do this? How the hell does it benefit a family in any way to be pretty much absent in the pursuit of money? So you end up rich and divorced?

I agree with @Twitterwhooooo about the business plan. That’s an approach that would appeal to him.

Even though what it is about is him actually taking into account your needs and slowly down a little/adjusting to actually having a family of 4 rather than being single

@sweetbellyhigh

Why do people do this? How the hell does it benefit a family in any way to be pretty much absent in the pursuit of money? So you end up rich and divorced?

Yeah I see your point. I guess people bite of more than they can chew sometimes and think they'll just push through. But it doesn't work like that.

We are also bombarded with the dream messaging aren't we. You have to suffer and work your arse off to make it big in life etc. at whatever cost it seems. It's also how some people have been raised etc.

But you're not wrong, it often seems that the end result is a broken family and or poor health.

Why doesn't your dh pay someone to do some of the work? Then he can spend quality time with his family.
If he can't afford that then what is the point of having 2 businesses? If he can't afford it then he needs to let one business go and actually parent his own child.
Why do people have children when they refuse point blank to spend quality time with them.
Your child will not value wearing expensive clothes, being driven around in an expensive car, eating food from Waitrose rather than Lidl. I could go on and on. Your child will however remember that dad was never around.
Also he wasn't working if he was messing around until 12.30 was he. He sounds as though he chooses to mess around rather than cracking on putting in a load of washing then reading to his child, giving his child breakfast making his wife a coffee and breakfast then washing and drying up then maybe colouring in with his child etc etc. Good grief so many things he could have done in that time out chose not to.
Nice to have the choice of avoiding parenting your child and doing chores.

@sweetbellyhigh my dad was a poor immigrant & wanting security made him a workaholic. My mum was neglected though & they separated & I would have liked my dad to be around. I made a conscious decision not to marry someone who's not a workaholic.

Definitely agree OP needs to plan stuff out with DH

Not sure making a huge issue out of it right now is a great idea with maternity leave on the horizon

Plus, what about shared maternity leave?

That is also an option. It does nobody any good for the father to not be part of the family. Usually ends badly as previous posters have stated.

He is a workaholic.
No one would choose to work 6 days a week and have a second job on top.

I read one of the dragons den is a workaholic and he said all of his relationships suffer because of it.

You are not going to be able to change him so you either need to leave or find a way to make your life easier - by going part time, being a SAHP, getting a nanny etc.

When both parties work full time, then the only answer is to get more paid help. If you are both earning enough from your work to outsource all household chores, it makes sense to do so. If your husband is a high earner with even more potential earnings from his businesses in the future, it certainly doesn’t make sense for him to take time away from the business to do tasks that can be outsourced.

@sst1234

When both parties work full time, then the only answer is to get more paid help. If you are both earning enough from your work to outsource all household chores, it makes sense to do so. If your husband is a high earner with even more potential earnings from his businesses in the future, it certainly doesn’t make sense for him to take time away from the business to do tasks that can be outsourced.

Agreed.

OP is being too emotional and her financial expectations (long-term) clash with her physical needs (short-term).

Optimal scenario is to outsource some household tasks.

But still agree that you need to align your expectations with what is possible (and reasonable) given your current situation.

To the folks that say 70hrs/week is "too much"

Tech start ups are far, far worse than that. 70+ hrs/week is not uncommon when you are given equity. People who run a "business" and do 9 - 5 are more of a rarity these days, specially if the business is not mature (like OPs H).

If you are both focused on financial gains then this is pretty much your life. I'm not sure what to say. However, I'd add that whatever help you buy in (and that's 100% what you should be doing right now if this is the schedule you're accepting from your DH, and your own FT work) is a benefit to you BOTH, not just yourself.

I have to be honest, I don't really get "I'm not happy with the average life, I want a lot" , to the point where this is your existence. This is the life you're living, right now, and possibly for many more years to come depending on how long it takes for his businesses to take off and if you have more children, etc. You need to somehow manage to enjoy your life right now, and not just keep focusing on the mythical dream life that happens in the future.

So we can have a more balanced life that gives him more time with us.

Sorry but I think this is bullshit. It's bonkers for him to start this second job when you're almost about to give birth and you're on your knees working FT, looking after toddler and with health issues.

I really hope I'm wrong but I suspect he is using this second job to avoid his household and parenting responsibilities. Otherwise why doesn't he do his fair share? Why doesn't he take toddler to nursery? Help with night feeds/wakes? Why is it all down to you?

I think he will always find an excuse to be 'too busy'. You can either accept this or you can put a stop to it before Baby #2 arrives. Your choice.

I had a dad like this. We went to private school, but he's pretty much a stranger to me.

So when do you get a day off, and when you do are you still doing all the housework laundry shopping and childcare?

Also, with business prospect no 2, is the prospect of ‘jam tomorrow’ even realistic? By when? At what point - for each of you - would the costs now outweigh the potential future benefits?