Yet another person I know is 'engaged' after a few months...AIBU to be irritated by it all?

[Unmarried2022]

I will probably be told I'm jealous, maybe I am. I don't know.

Someone I know announced on Friday they're engaged. They've officially been with this person for about 3 months (but I know they've been having an on off affair for 8-10 years before getting divorced last year, ironically for reasons other than the affair which I don't think the Ex ever knew about). Cue lots of gushing over how lucky they are to have met this person second time round blah blah.

Then there's about 3 others I know who are also planning 2nd/ 3rd/ 4th marriages to their soulmates they met a few months ago, lots of waffle about how wonderful they are and so on.

I'm not married, never have been. Never been asked even. Was in a relationship with my DCs dad for 7 years, have been with my partner for 8, we don't live together. People used to ask was I still not married (head tilt) in the same way as they'd ask why I couldn't find a boyfriend when I was single. Irritating. Thankfully they've mostly stopped asking now and just view me as a weird anomaly.

My parents (now dead) never got married which was unusual for the time although they changed their names and my mum wore a ring so people assumed they were.

I don't even know if I'd want to get married if I was asked. I'd want a civil partnership. But I don't think my partner will even do that. He's too bitter about his divorce 10 years ago, ironically he was much more of a believer in marriage than I've ever been but since his ended in divorce he says it's meaningless.

A couple of people have said to me what a shame it was that no one has loved me enough to marry me. And whilst I think that's the wrong way to look it at, that really unkind comment hurt very deeply. Even though marriage isn't even what I want.

I'd like a ring. But DP earns under 20k a year and has considerable debts. I earn 3x that and own my own house/ have good savings. So really if I want a ring I should just buy my own shouldn't I?

In your particular relationship set up I wouldn't want to be married!! (Thinking about the financial aspects if you were to divorce).

You don't live together, and he's still bitter about his ex - a ring is the least of your worries!

A couple of people have said to me what a shame it was that no one has loved me enough to marry me. And whilst I think that's the wrong way to look it at, that really unkind comment hurt very deeply. Even though marriage isn't even what I want.

This is a horrible thing to say I can't believe that people are so rude.

I think you need to stop focusing on other people lives and concentrate on your own life and well being. Plenty of people get married for completely the wrong reasons anyway. I know plenty of people who spent thousands on a big wedding only to divorce.

As for your current partner, if you want different things and you would like to be married then is he who you want long term?

There's a lot into be said to being financially independent and having your own house/savings. Even if it's not the gushing romance story.

People have really said that to you? what people? I hope they're not your friends now!!

I've been with my husband 30 tears, married for 25. It's not about a ring( although i do have a ring!). For me, it's about the fact that I know dh ALWAYS has my back. He is team skelligsfeathers and i love that. We have fun together, he is endlessly kind and i love that we have a really long history together.
Our parents all have long 50+ year marriages and our siblings are all married for a long time....it's our version of normal.

Years!!!!

YABU, as this is coming from a place of jealousy and comparison to your own situation rather than concern for people rushing things.

Of course, a few months is really soon and not particularly advisable as you are unlikely to know each other particularly well- but when men want to get married, they propose. Usually within 1-3 years. If the couple is young/met as students, then a bit longer is acceptable. But anything 7+ tends to be them going through the motions, or a shut-up ring for the mother of their children.

I have seen so many of my friends strung along in LTRs, some with houses and children involved as the man was scarred by a bad divorce or didn’t ’believe’ in marriage- and guess what? He was engaged to his dream girl within 2 years- because he wanted to marry them. Men will have whole lives and families and mortgages with women they are apathetic about, or don’t even like that much.

You may not want to get married or see any particular value in the institution- but what your feelings are likely stemming from is the ‘big declaration’ and someone expressing their love for you in this way. Seeing others get this pretty quickly probably does sting.

But if you want a ring, get yourself a ring!

I know it’s not the main point of the post but a ring shouldn’t be a barrier. DH and I were in our first (very poorly paid) jobs after university when we got engaged. My ring was probably £200, if that. By the time we were buying wedding rings we had enough money to spend a bit more. DH lost his in the sea on holiday and we replaced it with one from Argos for £30 and kept the insurance money.

Be happy form them if it falls apart then ot falls apart

That he isn’t earning much isn’t the reason why you haven’t got a ring …. Look at your own relationship and be honest with yourself is this want your want or you just don’t want to be single

Engagements - anybody can be engaged. It
Literally a promise.

My sister is and she has no intention of ever getting married: he’s a lovely guy but she’s the higher earner and having been left once with young children isn’t going to jeopardise her situation again. I suspect this is the way many men feel too.

My husband and I were engaged for a matter of months - maybe two? Before we got married. We didn’t mess about as we were just mad about each other and wanted children instantly.

Both situations are completely understandable I think.

My parents were happier and more 'married' than anyone I know. I didn't know they weren't actually married until one of them died.

Everyone else in my family is married, and has been for years, no divorces. DPs family (excepting him) is the same.

No I no longer speak to those people, but current friends have said based on nothing but after a few wines that DP probably doesn't love me that much as surely we'd be married by now. Which again is hurtful. We definitely are a team, I always have his back and I know he has mine.

@Suprima oh wow I hope not. Dh and I didn't get married until we'd been together for 6 years. He didn't propose either, we made a joint decision to marry when we bought a house.

Sad to think that he doesn't like me that much after 15 years together 🤷‍♀️

I do find it hard to grasp why anyone recently divorced wants to marry again in haste. If my marriage doesn't work out I'm not sure I care about remarrying. Feel like it complicates things more than anything, especially as I have DD.

DPs view is marriage was a one off commitment he made for life. His wasn't a happy marriage, but he felt obliged to stick it out. He acknowledges he probably got married for the wrong reasons (obligation, they'd been together 5 years and wanted a family) but now he says marriage has no value to him.

If he proposed a civil partnership I'd agree. I'm not sure I'd agree to marry him, and yes I realise how that sounds. However I don't think he will ask.

Those getting married very quickly after divorce strongly points to affair codependency issues or both! What a ridiculous thing that person said to you!

Whoever said to you that nobody's loved you enough to marry you can fuck right off. That is a foul thing to say and absolutely untrue. congratulations on not smacking them in the gob. Nobody who is your friend would ever say such bollocks to you. I say that as someone who got married 3 months after the first meeting with my husband and we've been married 24 years now. I tell you that so I can't be dismissed as another woman who wasn't loved enough to get the ring. 🙄🙄🙄

I'm so angry for you that people who claim to be your friends could come out with such shit.

Tbh though, from a practical point of view you're personally better off not being married given your earnings and assets. For me, marriage is the contract you enter into if you're going to take a career hit to raise his children. If it goes tits up you at least get half the house and pension.

I don't really see the problem - other people make different life choices. It seems that you are judging them as others have judged you.

If you want marriage or a civil partnership then don't wait to be asked, it's not 1953. On the other hand with vastly different incomes you may not want to join your financial arrangements. Do make a will though whatever and get legal advice on what happens when you split up/if one of you dies.

If he proposed a civil partnership I'd agree. I'm not sure I'd agree to marry him, and yes I realise how that sounds

That makes no sense to me. Marriage and civil partnership are basically two brands of the same thing. Why would you refuse one and not the other?

Your bullshit detector is working well, those getting engaged after a few months off the back of affairs and then gushing about it on social media aren't genuine so take no notice.

And of course you should buy yourself a beautiful ring if you want one.

I don't even know if I'd want to get married if I was asked.

Even though marriage isn't even what I want

You should really figure this out first.

And yes you can buy the ring yourself. You can propose or you can leave him in search for something else.

I think you need to spend your time thinking about your life, what you want and how to work towards getting that instead of feeling so bothered by people who DO do what they want.

I think this is about what you want from your relationship rather than what is going on with other people. They will either be making a good or bad choice but it’s their choice to make.
Much more important is what you want and how to go about making that happen.

Dh and I didn't get married until we'd been together for 6 years. He didn't propose either, we made a joint decision to marry when we bought a house.

Same here. There was no “shut up” about it as I hadn’t ever mentioned it to him.

Other people getting married after a few months is not the issue here. For what it's worth we were engaged after 3 months of dating and married 3 months after that. We've been happily married for over 35 years now.

I'm actually confused about what you do want. A ring is meaningless if it doesn't lead to marriage. A cheap ring if it's given in love and with a sincere desire to get married (not in 10 years time) is fine too. My engagement ring was dirt cheap, a stone fell out years ago and I only wear my wedding ring now. That had no impact on my happiness or the success of the marriage.

Why would you want a proposal and a ring, only to turn him down and NOT get married? Reading between the lines it sounds like you do want the commitment of marriage, but have buried that desire because your partner doesn't seem to want it too. Is that so?

I do wonder how people get proposed to 4 or 5 times when I never have been?

You're wondering about the wrong things. You make what you want to happen in your life. Why sit around wondering why nobody will marry you? Youve said a couple of times you dont want to get married...

Are you happy in your relationship?
Are you treated well?

He seems to be getting a lot from this relationship financially, what are you getting?

When I turned 40, many years ago I bought myself a gorgeous piece of jewellery.

As it happens i have a lot of lovely jewellery that husband has bought me over our long marriage.

But I wanted to buy myself a nice piece.

At the time it was much admired and even more so when I said I wanted to mark my 40th with something nice, from myself, to myself.

Buy yourself a nice ring and enjoy it.

You don't need to wait for a man to do it.

In your position I wouldn't be rushing to marry a very low paid man with debt anyway.

Those women who say those things are awful and you really should reply with what a nasty thing to say to supposed friend!