Yet another person I know is 'engaged' after a few months...AIBU to be irritated by it all?

[Unmarried2022]

I will probably be told I'm jealous, maybe I am. I don't know.

Someone I know announced on Friday they're engaged. They've officially been with this person for about 3 months (but I know they've been having an on off affair for 8-10 years before getting divorced last year, ironically for reasons other than the affair which I don't think the Ex ever knew about). Cue lots of gushing over how lucky they are to have met this person second time round blah blah.

Then there's about 3 others I know who are also planning 2nd/ 3rd/ 4th marriages to their soulmates they met a few months ago, lots of waffle about how wonderful they are and so on.

I'm not married, never have been. Never been asked even. Was in a relationship with my DCs dad for 7 years, have been with my partner for 8, we don't live together. People used to ask was I still not married (head tilt) in the same way as they'd ask why I couldn't find a boyfriend when I was single. Irritating. Thankfully they've mostly stopped asking now and just view me as a weird anomaly.

My parents (now dead) never got married which was unusual for the time although they changed their names and my mum wore a ring so people assumed they were.

I don't even know if I'd want to get married if I was asked. I'd want a civil partnership. But I don't think my partner will even do that. He's too bitter about his divorce 10 years ago, ironically he was much more of a believer in marriage than I've ever been but since his ended in divorce he says it's meaningless.

A couple of people have said to me what a shame it was that no one has loved me enough to marry me. And whilst I think that's the wrong way to look it at, that really unkind comment hurt very deeply. Even though marriage isn't even what I want.

I'd like a ring. But DP earns under 20k a year and has considerable debts. I earn 3x that and own my own house/ have good savings. So really if I want a ring I should just buy my own shouldn't I?

Buy yourself a ring and make yourself some promises along the lines of ...as long as I am happy as I am I will never seek to upset the status quo. My partner and I love one another , we will continue to enjoy the space and freedom having our own homes gives us.

Your friends who are marrying for th xth time are incurable romantics , hopeless optimists or just wayyyy too fond of wedding cake . 🎂 💐

We are all different. DS is about to propose after being with his partner for almost nine years. He adores his partner. She has no idea it’s coming. They are on the holiday of a lifetime and he’s nervously hiding the ring until he asks. It’s not purely transactional either because they’ve been together a long time. They own a home but don’t have children. The possible difference there is they met in their late teens and will still be fairly young in their circle to get engaged. There is no ulterior motive other than hopefully demonstrating his love and commitment to her, getting married in 2/3 years, then planning a family. It’s important to both of them to be married before they hopefully have children.
We come from a family of long marriages but all come with a different story. I was only 23 (he was 28) when DH proposed after only three months together, naively looking back we felt we just knew we were the one for each other but it worked for us. I had two proposals prior to this but turned them down. We married six months later and have been together almost thirty years. Both our parents were married 50+ years.
In your position I wouldn’t marry your partner but I’m older and wiser now. I think you set your boundaries and have to be firm otherwise you end up living a life you didn’t choose. I would not have had children without the protection of marriage.

@Unmarried2022

I will probably be told I'm jealous, maybe I am. I don't know.

Someone I know announced on Friday they're engaged. They've officially been with this person for about 3 months (but I know they've been having an on off affair for 8-10 years before getting divorced last year, ironically for reasons other than the affair which I don't think the Ex ever knew about). Cue lots of gushing over how lucky they are to have met this person second time round blah blah.

Then there's about 3 others I know who are also planning 2nd/ 3rd/ 4th marriages to their soulmates they met a few months ago, lots of waffle about how wonderful they are and so on.

I'm not married, never have been. Never been asked even. Was in a relationship with my DCs dad for 7 years, have been with my partner for 8, we don't live together. People used to ask was I still not married (head tilt) in the same way as they'd ask why I couldn't find a boyfriend when I was single. Irritating. Thankfully they've mostly stopped asking now and just view me as a weird anomaly.

My parents (now dead) never got married which was unusual for the time although they changed their names and my mum wore a ring so people assumed they were.

I don't even know if I'd want to get married if I was asked. I'd want a civil partnership. But I don't think my partner will even do that. He's too bitter about his divorce 10 years ago, ironically he was much more of a believer in marriage than I've ever been but since his ended in divorce he says it's meaningless.

A couple of people have said to me what a shame it was that no one has loved me enough to marry me. And whilst I think that's the wrong way to look it at, that really unkind comment hurt very deeply. Even though marriage isn't even what I want.

I'd like a ring. But DP earns under 20k a year and has considerable debts. I earn 3x that and own my own house/ have good savings. So really if I want a ring I should just buy my own shouldn't I?

Given your partner's situation, why risk marriage ?

That aside a ring doesn't not always equal faithfulness, stability, strong marriage, and if leads to divorce, then a battle with the solicitors ect.

Weird how many people are using this thread to talk about how many times they've been proposed to, how happy they are with their spouses and how quickly they got engaged

OP, the people telling you you weren't loved enough are just horrible, ignore them.

I might be completely wrong and going off on a tangent but....

Any chance that this is about you not feeling secure in your relationship and how you are feeling is because you doubt his commitment to yo and aren't certain he is in this relationship for the long haugh.

The reason I ask is that you seem to be looking for "something more" rather than a marraige perhaps. Not living together, understandably die to circumstance, and no outward display of long term commitment might be contributing factors.

Separately you seem to have pretty lousy friends and acquaintances based on some of the comments which aren't typical of normal friends.

I'm fed up with being the odd one out. Everyone I know in a long term relationship (more than a couple of years) is engaged/ married. One couple got married, divorced but got back together and though they aren't remarried both wear their rings and most people don't know about the divorce and assume they're still married.

I am tired of the questions, and looks. People wondering when I'll get married. To be fair, as the years go by people ask less probably because I'm too old now for a meringue dress and a big do. I'm resentful to of my DP marrying a woman he didn't really love, yet I am the best relationship he's ever had and we have no commitment at all - irrespective of what you think of a ring, or handfasting it's at least symbolic. Currently there's nothing. And that makes me a bit sad.

For the pp who said I'm using my children as an excuse, that's bollocks. My children have minimal contact with their dad. No other relatives around. And if I move I'll have to sell the home they've grown up in from under them, one is a student and the other works PT, so now is really not the time for me to sell up and abandon them. Some people would (I had a couple of friends whose parents downsized while they/ their siblings were at uni so they didn't even have a bed in the holidays...it ruined the relationship) but that's not how I want to live my life. So I'll be here a few more years until they are more financially independent. That's a decision my partner respects and agrees with.

Have you told your partner how you are feeling?

Also, why do other people's opinions both you so much?

Sorry typo, bother you so much

@Unmarried2022

To be fair there's been a couple of comments to that effect on this thread...perhaps not as outrightly mean, but still saying well it doesn't sound like much of a relationship etc.

Hm, I don't think the negative comments have much to do with whether you are married or not. I do think marriage conveys some rights and advantages and isn't just a piece of paper, but I couldn't care less if others get married or not.

It's your specific cirumstances that are making people question - long distance after 8 years, you seeming to want marriage and him definitely not, not living together and neither of you moving the relationship forward. Marriage being good/bad is incidental to all this.

How far is the distance?

I kinda get it op.
I’m married but waited 5 years and he never even asked me the question.
He was very open about his proposal to his ex who he was with for about 2.5 years at the time.

I wish I didn’t get married and found this elsewhere as it’s something I valued and I do feel the odd one out.

“I am tired of all the questions and looks. People wondering when I’ll get married”

Honestly, I don’t think anyone is thinking about your marital status that much. We are the main character in the story of our lives, no one else is ever as interested

Getting engaged “as a commitment thing” was what girls used to do in my 6th form college. They did it numerous times, it seems very juvenile. None of it counts until you’ve signed the paperwork

I used to feel “why has no one loved me enough to marry me”, so I know how it feels. I’d never say that to another person though, and no one ever said it to me. I’ve now been married twice so things can and do change.

(Also, my second husband and I got married after a health scare and realising we wouldn’t get say over our deaths and funerals. It IS important if that’s a factor)

I don’t think people are being mean to you. I think they recognise that he is not that committed. Because honestly, he doesn’t sound that committed.

And deep down you know him and that’s why you’re angry.

@Dillydollydingdong

Marriage is something we think we want but when it happens, we find it's not all it's cracked up to be. It feels like a cage. My first lasted 3m, my second 3yr, and the third ten years. Each time I backed out. I hope I won't get married again but I'm a glutton for punishment.

In your opinion.

I love being married.

I've never been married. But I've also never wanted to marry.
Been with my dp for 34 years. We are solid and happy and I don't care what people think about our situation.

He knows I would like something that isn't marriage. He doesn't want to get married after his divorce.

We live 4 hours apart. I'm not sure what we're supposed to do to move forward in our current circumstances? Because I can't physically move to him or him to me as matters stand. That will change in a few years but that's how it is now.

@Twolostsoulsswimminginafishbow

We are all different. DS is about to propose after being with his partner for almost nine years. He adores his partner. She has no idea it’s coming. They are on the holiday of a lifetime and he’s nervously hiding the ring until he asks. It’s not purely transactional either because they’ve been together a long time. They own a home but don’t have children. The possible difference there is they met in their late teens and will still be fairly young in their circle to get engaged. There is no ulterior motive other than hopefully demonstrating his love and commitment to her, getting married in 2/3 years, then planning a family. It’s important to both of them to be married before they hopefully have children. We come from a family of long marriages but all come with a different story. I was only 23 (he was 28) when DH proposed after only three months together, naively looking back we felt we just knew we were the one for each other but it worked for us. I had two proposals prior to this but turned them down. We married six months later and have been together almost thirty years. Both our parents were married 50+ years. In your position I wouldn’t marry your partner but I’m older and wiser now. I think you set your boundaries and have to be firm otherwise you end up living a life you didn’t choose. I would not have had children without the protection of marriage.

Struggling to see the relevance of this long post

I think you are conflating a lot of stuff here and have some very rude not friend friends. The relationship that you want with your partner is up to you and a matter for you and your partner only. Talk to him if there is something that you want from him. Other people's choices and relationships are up to them. Don't give them headspace. It does sound to me as though you feel that there is something missing from your life but its up to you to decide what that is and how you are going to get there.

Just because other people are getting married doesn't mean you should marry the man you are with. You shouldn't by the way, you'll get sucked into his financial irresponsibility.

I hate this thing where some women need to celebrate being engaged being chosen by a man, loved enough by a male like a commodity off a shelf.

I'm not sure there is any point in discussing this. DP knows what I would like, and that's not what he wants, not now possibly not ever. I'm not going to give him an ultimatum or guilt him into something. I'd want a ring or proposal because that's what he wants not out of obligation, or a fear that I'll end things otherwise.

Maybe I just need to delete social media, I'm a bit sick and tired of being made to feel less because I'm not getting married, or going on a fancy holiday, buying a flash car or other braggy shit.

"Maybe I just need to delete social media, I'm a bit sick and tired of being made to feel less because I'm not getting married, or going on a fancy holiday, buying a flash car or other braggy shit."

Are they actually bragging to you though?

If they are just putting stuff on sm-only you can stop yourself feeling shit about what others are doing that you're not.

@Unmarried2022

My parents were happier and more 'married' than anyone I know. I didn't know they weren't actually married until one of them died.

Everyone else in my family is married, and has been for years, no divorces. DPs family (excepting him) is the same.

No I no longer speak to those people, but current friends have said based on nothing but after a few wines that DP probably doesn't love me that much as surely we'd be married by now. Which again is hurtful. We definitely are a team, I always have his back and I know he has mine.

We've been together for over 30 years. Never got married and don't want to. We're good as we are, why tempt fate 😂

I married very young after dating for 6 months 🤷‍♀️. Worked out for us luckily

Well yabu to be annoyed by other people getting engaged - we got engaged after a few months when we were very young and it's lasted over 20 years so far.

However yanbu ti be pissed off and hurt by people making ridiculously insensitive and untrue comments to you. That's just mean and says more about them than you.

I probably should have been clear that the people getting engaged I mentioned in my OP are in their 40s and 50s (my age) not 20somethings just starting out or getting married to start a family.

If I hadn't been told so many times that there's something wrong with me because I'm not married/ no one wants to marry me, I'd probably be less sensitive about it. Ironically I remembered at uni one of my male friends describing me as marriage material. That I was the sort of girl they wanted to settle down with years in the future (not have as a girlfriend then of course...!)