Yet another person I know is 'engaged' after a few months...AIBU to be irritated by it all?

[Unmarried2022]

I will probably be told I'm jealous, maybe I am. I don't know.

Someone I know announced on Friday they're engaged. They've officially been with this person for about 3 months (but I know they've been having an on off affair for 8-10 years before getting divorced last year, ironically for reasons other than the affair which I don't think the Ex ever knew about). Cue lots of gushing over how lucky they are to have met this person second time round blah blah.

Then there's about 3 others I know who are also planning 2nd/ 3rd/ 4th marriages to their soulmates they met a few months ago, lots of waffle about how wonderful they are and so on.

I'm not married, never have been. Never been asked even. Was in a relationship with my DCs dad for 7 years, have been with my partner for 8, we don't live together. People used to ask was I still not married (head tilt) in the same way as they'd ask why I couldn't find a boyfriend when I was single. Irritating. Thankfully they've mostly stopped asking now and just view me as a weird anomaly.

My parents (now dead) never got married which was unusual for the time although they changed their names and my mum wore a ring so people assumed they were.

I don't even know if I'd want to get married if I was asked. I'd want a civil partnership. But I don't think my partner will even do that. He's too bitter about his divorce 10 years ago, ironically he was much more of a believer in marriage than I've ever been but since his ended in divorce he says it's meaningless.

A couple of people have said to me what a shame it was that no one has loved me enough to marry me. And whilst I think that's the wrong way to look it at, that really unkind comment hurt very deeply. Even though marriage isn't even what I want.

I'd like a ring. But DP earns under 20k a year and has considerable debts. I earn 3x that and own my own house/ have good savings. So really if I want a ring I should just buy my own shouldn't I?

Can't your DC stay in your house & you move in with your partner, @Unmarried2022?

The DC would struggle practically without me here (in terms of running the house, but also I drive the working one to and from work as it's not on a public transport route) Even once we resolve that on a practical level DP's place is on the small side - fine for a weekend, but very cramped if I brought more than a few days worth of clothes and other personal items. He'd need to move somewhere bigger, but the rental market in his town is crazy at the moment (we have considered this for once my DC are driving so started looking to get an idea of cost and availability) and of course we couldn't buy until he's paid off some of his debts.

So all in all we are as we are for a couple of years yet which is probably why I'm thinking about all of this, because we can't progress on the living together due to circumstances.

@knittingaddict

Also, being proposed to 4 or 5 times? Very unusual in this day and age I would think. We aren't in the Regency period with eligible bachelors seeking blushing virgins with a considerable dowry. Times have changed. My daughter didn't get a proposal and she still managed to get married (and divorced).

I’ve been proposed to four times. Married once (still married, after 20 years and got engaged within 2 months).

Not in regency times or from ‘money’. Just a normal person.

@Unmarried2022

If I appear defensive about the move, I think that's only because pps seem to infer it was done on a whim - there were very valid reasons. Plus it was something that he'd always intended to do in the longer term, he mainly stayed here as long as he did for me, then circumstances brought it forward and made it urgent that he return when he did. It wasn't a 'oh I've got a great job I'm off' or 'I feel like living somewhere different' kind of thing, there's more to it than that.

We're in the UK. My friends are a mix of cultures and religions but mostly British/ C of E - although none are actively religious in the sense of attending church etc.

And you were not a valid reason to stay.

Defend his career choices all you want - but no man who saw a future with a woman would not move away from her without making financial sacrifices to take her and her children with him, or an absolute ironclad plan to come back at the first possible opportunity.

That hasn’t happened.

So if you are happy as you are and you love him- great. But it’s not healthy to feel all of this angst and sadness for things not going how you want it to, when his actions have told you plainly that you are not high on his list of priorities. This man literally doesn’t deserve you wanting to be in a civil partnership with him.

Imo, marriage is more about the people involved than anything personal, if that makes sense.

Someone who likes clubbing will probably primarily have partners who like clubbing. People who don't like clubbing will probably primarily have partners who don't. Replace clubbing with marriage. People self-assort in regards to their relationships.

I think this is partially related to risk appetite, so it will usually be the one with higher earnings or greater assets who is more reluctant.

It sounds like you have the social pressure of not having experienced something you see as "normal" on one side and the reality of a fairly comfortable financial position, relative to you partner, on the other side.

If that social pressure mattered to you as much as it did to your peers, you would prioritise finding someone who wanted to marry. You don't, so you don't.

I think you've misunderstood me Suprima.

The reasons for the move were not work related. There was no option to take me and my children with him. My (then mid teens) children would not have wanted to move hundreds of miles from this town where they've grown up in and where their father lives. I couldn't have moved because of work (things have changed now in that respect), besides which I earn 3x what he does, so there is no way he could have afforded to take us along, nor would I have expected him to...even if that was an option which it very much wasn't.

Supporting his family during long term ill health and terminal illness in my view totally trumps being geographically near me. I never had the opportunity to support my immediate family in this way, and the fact he can and does, well I certainly can't begrudge that.

As to coming back, he'd always planned to return there in the long term, I knew that when I met him. Had circumstances not intervened, his original idea was that we move down there together once my DC finished their studies and were working, more self sufficient or looking to get their own place or move in with a partner. Which is probably 3 years from now. I'm sure if he'd not moved back several years ago we would now be living here together. But that isn't how things are.

So many judgemental comments on this thread.

You'll never know the circumstances around their engagements OP as you only ever get their social media version of the story - I've had two proposals, one from a guy who I was dumping because he was treating me so badly (I just laughed), and my current DH. DH was anti-marriage but I outright refused to buy a house otherwise. I had very little money to spend on a mortgage and I knew I wouldn't be able to launch a civil suit against someone if I invested in a house that I was turned out of. DH and I love each other very much but I've seen people co-habiting that has gone very wrong when something happened.

I'm nothing special, not a model or a millionaire, it just depends on what the man values from a marriage. I find some think it will tie you down and stop you straying, or that having a wife is a free nanny/ mum figure and cleaner, or even just want to collect you like a status symbol or possession. Something else to keep polished and at home along with the fancy car and the rolex. So many male friends I know didn't marry "the one", just the one they were seeing at the time their friends were getting married.

While I'd always recommend getting married for the financial protection if you've got joint finances or you're a stay at home parent, it has nothing to do with how much you're loved.