Yet another person I know is 'engaged' after a few months...AIBU to be irritated by it all?

[Unmarried2022]

I will probably be told I'm jealous, maybe I am. I don't know.

Someone I know announced on Friday they're engaged. They've officially been with this person for about 3 months (but I know they've been having an on off affair for 8-10 years before getting divorced last year, ironically for reasons other than the affair which I don't think the Ex ever knew about). Cue lots of gushing over how lucky they are to have met this person second time round blah blah.

Then there's about 3 others I know who are also planning 2nd/ 3rd/ 4th marriages to their soulmates they met a few months ago, lots of waffle about how wonderful they are and so on.

I'm not married, never have been. Never been asked even. Was in a relationship with my DCs dad for 7 years, have been with my partner for 8, we don't live together. People used to ask was I still not married (head tilt) in the same way as they'd ask why I couldn't find a boyfriend when I was single. Irritating. Thankfully they've mostly stopped asking now and just view me as a weird anomaly.

My parents (now dead) never got married which was unusual for the time although they changed their names and my mum wore a ring so people assumed they were.

I don't even know if I'd want to get married if I was asked. I'd want a civil partnership. But I don't think my partner will even do that. He's too bitter about his divorce 10 years ago, ironically he was much more of a believer in marriage than I've ever been but since his ended in divorce he says it's meaningless.

A couple of people have said to me what a shame it was that no one has loved me enough to marry me. And whilst I think that's the wrong way to look it at, that really unkind comment hurt very deeply. Even though marriage isn't even what I want.

I'd like a ring. But DP earns under 20k a year and has considerable debts. I earn 3x that and own my own house/ have good savings. So really if I want a ring I should just buy my own shouldn't I?

@Unmarried2022

Civil partnership Handfasting Alternatively A ring, not exactly an engagement ring as such, but a ring with the intention that one or other of the above would follow in a few years.

Does your DP know you want that? Because if my DP said they did want to get married, I’d assume they didn’t want any of the rest of it either.

If your DP does know and still doesn’t want to commit, you have a different problem, but have you actually had this discussion with him?

Didn’t want to get married, not did. Sorry!

Yes he knows that I don't want to be married but would like one of the other options. I've always said I didn't want marriage, however I supported the change in the law around civil partnerships and we spoke about that when it happened.

His view of marriage is very negative following his divorce. He's never said that he wouldn't want a civil partnership ever, but not that he definitely would either. That said he doesn't think anyone should enter into any kind of engagement or whatever until they've lived together for a few years anyway. So for us that would kick the can down the road for another 5 yes minimum.

I get where you’re coming from OP, I’ve had moments feeling like you do (40s and never been married). When my BF who is possibly even more dysfunctional than I am got married a few years back, and I was her MOH, I was really down for ages afterwards in a what’s wrong with meeeeeee kind of way.

(A few years later she is miserable as hell in her marriage btw).

I’m in a very similar position to you, in a LDR relationship (of 2 years) with someone who has no interest in getting married. It’s really made me drill down into my feelings of marriage. If I’m completely honest, it’s the being asked to marry more than the marriage that I’m interested in. Like knowing that he WOULD marry me would be enough, there’s no need to actually do it. And actually deep down I’m terrified of the idea of being tied to someone in that way, which is why that situation has never manifested itself in my life, because I have been actively repelling it.

If you strip away the social construct of marriage, if that whole creation didn’t exist, are you happy in your relationship? For me, the answer to this is very much yes. I love the bones of him, he’s there when I need him (never has a man done so much to prove his love and be there for me in so many ways). Yes we live at other ends of the country, but that suits us both, we both need our own space, and I think it’s the secret of our happy relationship - in 2 years there’s never been a cross word or a raised voice, we just appreciate each other so much when we are together (which is quite a lot considering the distance). Our situation is great, and the only time I ever question it is when I’m looking at other peoples relationships and have a feeling of FOMO. But I purposely brush that aside and consider I’m the happiest I’ve ever been with a man and I am genuinely content with that.

OP, I mean this very kindly, but from my interpretation of your post, you are lying to yourself, at least partly.

I think you do want marriage as a way to prove your worth. If someone asks you to marry them and commits to you, it will make you feel validated.

Even if it’s not marriage specifically, the proposal would go some way to placating the desire for acceptance. As it is now, maybe you think your DP doesn’t love you enough and this has been cemented by your ‘friends’ awful remarks.

You see your friends on Facebook getting engaged and wonder what they have that you don’t?

Just remember, people on Facebook act like their lives are perfect. It’s very unlikely that the marriages will last and people who rush into relationships and marriages usually tend to have some esteem issues themselves. I know it’s not always the case and sometimes it works out, but it’s not likely statistically.

I think you’re big time wasting your time with your DP.

It’s a long distance relationship going nowhere and you could do a lot better.

That’s very much my randomer’s read of the situation, as you’ve posted about it.

You are wanting something from him you are not getting and that is more commitment he isn’t confused by what you want he just isn’t giving it

Move on

And learn to be happy by yourself and these comments will not bother you (though any why have never anyone asked you might)

I get this from friends who are in a relationship not one of their relationships would I want I just smile and let it go over my head but that’s because I’m fine with my situation.

Yes at times I want a relationship but I don’t need one and rather be without one than in a relationship that doesn’t make me happy

I think your friends are the issue, not your relationship.

I don’t think you sound envious Op, I think you sound resentful, frustrated, sad and maybe a little desperate.

It is Unusual you have so very many awful relationships that people are saying these things to you, which makes me wonder, if maybe you’re translating what was actually said into your own words due to over sensitivity.

Handfasting for me is also out there, this isn’t an episode of vikings, and a civil partnership would be ludicrous with a middle aged man on min wage with heavy debts due to your own age and financial position.

I understand why you aren’t sure if you actually want to get married, I think what you want is a proposal and a ring, to be able to tell everyone. At this stage at least. And the fact he won’t even do that for you, and no one ever has is causing you signficant problems.

However, what is apparent is it’s all about you. His feelings are fairly irrelevant to you other than they stop you getting what you want.

Buying a ring and pretending to be engaged, if that’s what you’re considering is a little silly and isn’t going to solve the issue

I'll preface this by saying I'm engaged. But also that I'm 46, and I'd been with my DP for more than 10 years when he proposed. We've now been engaged for two years and haven't even started to plan (a very simple) wedding. We don't do things quickly haha!

But I can say that I felt exactly like you. I felt as if no one wanted me. As if I was good enough to be a girlfriend, but never to marry. I'd been in two very long term relationships and neither one proposed. The last one, my ex was very anti-marriage etc, and used to jokingly shout "don't do it" if he saw a wedding party. Hilarious.... Anyway, when we split (which was 100% my decision) he eventually met someone else and married them within a couple of years. I categorically didn't regret splitting, but I wondered what it was about me that made me so unworthy of marriage.

It wasn't helped either by the fact that I had my DC on my own (twins). Accidental pregnancy, split from (different) ex when 8 wks pregnant. Always planned to have DC with my DP but both my DC are autistic, one with high needs, and eventually my DP admitted that he just didn't want any more children (he considers my DC to be his own, and they consider him to be daddy). And that's all lovely, but again, it felt like a rejection that no one has, and now no one ever will want me to have their baby. I know feminism blah blah it shouldn't matter. But it did to me and it still burns a bit. C'est la vie.

OP, your situation is complicated as you're a distance apart. When your circumstances change, your relationship will change. Your DP might never want to marry again, but he might be far more open to the other options - or MAYBE even marriage - when you've been living together and it all feels more solid. My very lovely DP needed to be absolutely sure that I wasn't going to leave him or cheat on him etc (he has self esteem issues). More than 10 years it took him to ask! And although we will get married I realised that actually just being asked was enough to make me feel good about myself. It's about being wanted.

Oh and by the way, I bloody love the idea of a hand fasting!

I love DP dearly. We have a lot of shared interests, we see the world in a similar way. We get on brilliantly, can talk for hours and I am never bored in his company. I feel valued, supported and encouraged. I wouldn't want to throw that away.

If I desperately wanted to be married, and only marriage would do, our relationship would have ended almost before it started because DP has always been honest that he never saw himself marrying again, because marriage for him is tainted by his divorce. He's entitled to feel like that because I know many people do. He wasn't averse to living together in time or to something other than marriage.

I don't do ultimatums. If I 'walk away', what then? I've ended a relationship with the man I love, for what? I didn't enjoy being single. I was for years and it's fucking lonely. I HATED dating with a passion, I found it confidence crushing, brutal and it diminished me as a person.

If my life was a film, I'd leave DP, and fall straight into the arms of someone who was even more my perfect match, who proposed, and I then got the civil partnership of my dreams. Happy ever after. Except the chances of meeting someone more compatible, 'better' are slim...and realistically anyone who wants to rush into something is probably a narcissistic love bomber, or someone who thinks he's the Tinder Swindler and just wants my money! One accusation I could never level at DP is that he's trying to take financial advantage, far from it.

I think I just need to make my peace with the situation as is, because there are many positives and few negatives, and avoid sources of irritation like social media.

I won't judge your relationship OP because if your happy with it, it's no one else's business.
I can't understand why earning £20 per annum is a bar to buying you a ring though. My DH didn't earn anywhere near that when we got engaged a few years ago but he still managed to be able to buy me a gold, gemstone and diamond ring. I think it's a thin excuse TBH when there's loads of beautiful rings on websites like Gemporia and TJC and they can be bought for half-nothing when they have their sales! Just look for a ring that's reasonably priced, (and there are gorgeous ones for under £100 sometimes in the sales), and TELL him you want it! Good luck OP!

In saying I should buy myself a ring, I meant when looking at our respective financial positions. I have money left over every month, he doesn't. So if I want an expensive ring, or other jewellery, there's nothing stopping me buying my own, I can afford it.

The question of whether he would want to buy me a ring (and I don't think he does at present) is a separate one from whether he can afford it. And as things stand his housing costs and other essential expenses are such that he has nothing left at the end of the month, indeed some months he just goes further into debt. This isn't a permanent situation, financially things will improve soon for him (and there will be a point in a few years where his earnings will easily exceed mine - mine are basically as high as they are likely to get), but right now anything he spends over and above the bare essentials just increases his borrowing. So yes, he could in theory buy me a ring now, but that would be another debt for him to pay back, whether the ring was £50 or £5,000.

And to be clear, he's not said I'm not buying you a ring because I can't afford it. That said, I do know his money situation and that he has nothing to spare.

There’s always an overwhelming chance n engaged couple won’t actually get married, it happens all of the time. They either remain perpetually engaged or split up. You don’t live with your DP after 8 years, I think that should be more of a concern than a lack of engagement ring.

@Unmarried2022

In saying I should buy myself a ring, I meant when looking at our respective financial positions. I have money left over every month, he doesn't. So if I want an expensive ring, or other jewellery, there's nothing stopping me buying my own, I can afford it.

The question of whether he would want to buy me a ring (and I don't think he does at present) is a separate one from whether he can afford it. And as things stand his housing costs and other essential expenses are such that he has nothing left at the end of the month, indeed some months he just goes further into debt. This isn't a permanent situation, financially things will improve soon for him (and there will be a point in a few years where his earnings will easily exceed mine - mine are basically as high as they are likely to get), but right now anything he spends over and above the bare essentials just increases his borrowing. So yes, he could in theory buy me a ring now, but that would be another debt for him to pay back, whether the ring was £50 or £5,000.

And to be clear, he's not said I'm not buying you a ring because I can't afford it. That said, I do know his money situation and that he has nothing to spare.

He doesn’t have anything to spare

This relationship is going nowhere. If he saw a future with you, he wouldn’t have moved.

You’re literally getting nothing out of this relationship.

You want a man who will move mountains for you and propose and you have a lovely shared and happy life- the end. You deserve that. That’s absolutely fine to want that.

But there is no point feeling resentful and wishing things were different- because they won’t ever be. So stay with your boyfriend and keep doing long distance if you love him so much and are scared of leaving the relationship- but make your peace with it being literally nothing more than this

I'm sorry, you really can't say he wouldn't have moved without knowing the background to it. I've not set that out in detail but suffice to say it wasn't a simple whim. He has moved to his home area, which he'd always intended to do eventually. Meeting me kept him here longer than planned, and then circumstances changed and he had to go back. If he'd not moved, it would have made life very difficult for him - if I'd moved with him, or if I moved now, I'd be leaving my children homeless. Unfortunately when you're older, have children and other commitments, life is far less straightforward than in your 20s.

I don't understand why you'd be happy to have a civil partnership but not a marriage?

If your DC are adults, can't you move & live with your partner and have a life together?

There are different things going on here

1. your friends getting married several times after knowing someone for a few months

2. your friends being totally assholes and having a very fucked up view of being in a relationship without marriage and saying stupid things outloud. To be fair, a woman who has an off/on affair and gets engaged after 3 months is not in position to feel sorry for anyone. Get rid of these toxic people

3. it's not normal to have several people ask you to marry them. Engagement should be a mutual discussion. It's not a thing that you passively wait for. And it is not a measurement of desirability.

4. it's OK to not ever want to get married. It is also OK to want to get married/civil partnership. If that's not something your partner wants then it's OK to have it as a dealbreker. You don't have to just go with what they say.

5. what do you want the ring to represent? If you want jewelry then buy a ring. Do you want it to be a promise ring? Engagement ring? If yes then you need to figure out if you want marriage or not talk with partner.

I also don’t understand this, firstly the huge focus on a ring like it’s just a piece of jewellery, if you want a ring, a watch or a necklace by one. If it signifies more and you see it as a sign of commitment then buying yourself one is a tad pointless.

And the whole dreaming of a civil partnership. I’ve never actually witnessed someone Romantically dreaming of such a thing..

I don't think I've said I'm 'dreaming' of a civil partnership?

Marriage has somewhat negative connotations to me, if I was with someone who really wanted marriage, I would probably agree to it. But my preference was always something else, ideally (now it is legally permitted) a civil partnership.

I can buy myself jewellery. I have in the past. I would like something chosen for me.

I don't know anyone in RL who has made a joint decision to marry, or civil partner, or even handfast. Every person I know of had a proposal of some type or other. Some were very low key, literally a 'I love you let's get married', some were hugely flashy (surprise trip to New York, top of the Empire State Building, all that jazz). I don't want a flashy proposal, I think that's all a bit fur coat no knickers...but I'd like something, at some point.

@Horsemad I can't leave my children homeless, they can't financially support themselves yet because one is studying and the other only working part time. In a few years, that will have changed. That should also coincide with DPs earnings increasing, so we will have more options. It is just frustrating that life is always (seemingly) simpler for others.

@RandomBasic

You don't get to decide where he is hurried, whether he is cremated or buried. In hospital they won't ask you whether to switch off the machine, whether to be given the risky but lifesaving operation.

When he dies you won't get any tax benefit and if his relations swoop in to take all your sentimental items which are at his house. You won't get any widows benefit or anything to help with the funeral.

This is why people get married.

You could set up power of attoneys, medical advance directives, detailed wills etc life insurance policies and other things, most of which happen automatically when you sign the marriage register.

But I doubt you've even done any of that.

As far as the law is concerned, he is on the same level as a bloke you once stood next to in Tesco.

Yep. So best advice for many people would be to do that, or campaign for laws to make it simpler to do that, without the financial ties of marriage which many people don't want.

I would never get married again because it absolutely screwed be over financially the first time. The most stupid financial decision I ever made, by far. It would be nice if there was some legally recognised way to make an public commitment to someone as your life partner, similar to a wedding, to give that person power of attorney and control of medical care etc, without making them entitled to potentially half or more of your assets that have nothing to do with them.

But there isn't. So for many people marriage would be a stupid decision. Including the OP. It's packaged by an industry as being about romance but we all know it isn't that at all and for many people it is an extremely bad idea.

if my life was a film, I'd leave DP, and fall straight into the arms of someone who was even more my perfect match, who proposed, and I then got the civil partnership of my dreams

I think you did say you were dreaming of a civil partnership op?

This is a bit of a strange one. There are a lot of things going on here.

I’ve got to say, as others have I think, that it’s a bit of a red flag that he moved 4 hours away from you. You’re very defensive about that. It’s not like it started as a distance relationship, he moved away. I would be really thinking deeply about that and if staying in a relationship with someone who would do that is the right thing for you.

Your social circle seems very focussed on marriage in a way I’ve not heard of - are you in the uk? Are you from a different religion/culture?

If I appear defensive about the move, I think that's only because pps seem to infer it was done on a whim - there were very valid reasons. Plus it was something that he'd always intended to do in the longer term, he mainly stayed here as long as he did for me, then circumstances brought it forward and made it urgent that he return when he did. It wasn't a 'oh I've got a great job I'm off' or 'I feel like living somewhere different' kind of thing, there's more to it than that.

We're in the UK. My friends are a mix of cultures and religions but mostly British/ C of E - although none are actively religious in the sense of attending church etc.

I think the problem is you didn't want marriage so sort out a man who didn't want marriage, but you don't want marriage because you don't like the trappings and baggage of marriage - although you are happy with the public declaration of love, the long term commitment and combining of lives that marriage confers, whereas he doesn't want marriage because he doesn't want any of that.

Woman and men who want marriage, or marriage like long term blending of lives and commitment, tend to seek out people who are open to that any once past late 20s, tend to be clear early on its important to them.

Are others really lording it over you, or just being excited and happy for themselves and you are interpreting this showing off or belittling you? Different people want different things from a relationship.