Yet another person I know is 'engaged' after a few months...AIBU to be irritated by it all?

[Unmarried2022]

I will probably be told I'm jealous, maybe I am. I don't know.

Someone I know announced on Friday they're engaged. They've officially been with this person for about 3 months (but I know they've been having an on off affair for 8-10 years before getting divorced last year, ironically for reasons other than the affair which I don't think the Ex ever knew about). Cue lots of gushing over how lucky they are to have met this person second time round blah blah.

Then there's about 3 others I know who are also planning 2nd/ 3rd/ 4th marriages to their soulmates they met a few months ago, lots of waffle about how wonderful they are and so on.

I'm not married, never have been. Never been asked even. Was in a relationship with my DCs dad for 7 years, have been with my partner for 8, we don't live together. People used to ask was I still not married (head tilt) in the same way as they'd ask why I couldn't find a boyfriend when I was single. Irritating. Thankfully they've mostly stopped asking now and just view me as a weird anomaly.

My parents (now dead) never got married which was unusual for the time although they changed their names and my mum wore a ring so people assumed they were.

I don't even know if I'd want to get married if I was asked. I'd want a civil partnership. But I don't think my partner will even do that. He's too bitter about his divorce 10 years ago, ironically he was much more of a believer in marriage than I've ever been but since his ended in divorce he says it's meaningless.

A couple of people have said to me what a shame it was that no one has loved me enough to marry me. And whilst I think that's the wrong way to look it at, that really unkind comment hurt very deeply. Even though marriage isn't even what I want.

I'd like a ring. But DP earns under 20k a year and has considerable debts. I earn 3x that and own my own house/ have good savings. So really if I want a ring I should just buy my own shouldn't I?

Having been married twice -still married now - your current set up sounds good. Not sure your partner sounds great tho

I don't want to move from here until my children are older

Why can’t he move closer to you?

I think the proposal thing is a red herring as he presumably knows you don’t actually want to get married (so why propose). But you do seem to have a very hands-off relationship. If it works for you fine, but this thread suggests it isn’t working for you any more and you want more commitment.

@RandomBasic

*where he is buried.

As pp said, in your situation, financially marriage would put you at a disadvantage.

You seem to have chosen a very arms length type of relationship. One where you are virtually strangers, not getting to know each other in the way daily in person interaction brings.

Living in separate houses 10 minutes away is an ideal set up for some. Nothing wrong with that.

But permanent long distance suggests fear of real intimacy.

We used to live within 10 mins of each other - we didn't live together then for my children's sake, I didn't think it was fair to move another man into their home.

Then a few years ago DP had to move area mainly due to family ill health, and for financial reasons. I couldn't follow because of job/ children.

We didn't choose a permanent long distance relationship and in a few years we'll be able to live together, the current situation isn't forever.

Yes you should buy yourself a diamond ring!

I think those 20 year long engagements when living together for years are just as ridiculous. So depends what is the norm in your circles.

but current friends have said based on nothing but after a few wines that DP probably doesn't love me that much as surely we'd be married by now

Wow. That's pretty hurtful and uncalled-for, isn't it?

To be fair there's been a couple of comments to that effect on this thread...perhaps not as outrightly mean, but still saying well it doesn't sound like much of a relationship etc.

I don’t mind. I’ve been married a year after I’ve met my DH, had children in late 20s. See zero point personally in “dating” for years. You might say it gives you more time to “know” the person, but on practice it’s not always the case. You sound bitter.

Bitter?

Right, ok. That's definitely a helpful comment.

Surely if you wanted to be married then you would have asked them to marry you?

Is it more that they won't make a commitment at all-even a handfasting?

@Unmarried2022
But you are. I fully agree with the poster above who’s unmarried herself and happy. Why would other people’s life bother you so much.

I was with my DH for 7 years before he proposed. His parents are divorced and my parents are unhappily still married so we had the same view that we weren’t that fussed, we wanted a house more! We bought a house, sold and bought a better house, decided we wanted a kid and were trying, then DH proposed in December 2020 so we stopped trying until we got married August 2021! Now pregnant with our first kid - and marriage still wasn’t a be all and end all, but it was a lovely day, and I like having the same last name as our child, but honestly, if neither of you are feeling it, I wouldn’t rush, if you’re comfortable with where you are at then stay like that!
Maybe consider a promise ring?

But DP earns under 20k a year and has considerable debts. I earn 3x that and own my own house/ have good savings.

And HE'S the one who doesn't want to get married? Blimey.

So really if I want a ring I should just buy my own shouldn't I?

Yes, don't marry him though.

If you have friends who are planning for their 2nd/3rd/4th marriage then perhaps ask them how keen they are on marriage after their next marriage fails rather than when they get engaged. You might get a different answer about how wonderful if is. If your friends are deep in the milieu of long term affairs and divorce then perhaps their trajectory might not suit you as much as you think?

I didn't want that commitment with previous partners as they weren't someone I wanted to spend my life with.

With my current partner I would like a commitment in some form. Not marriage, which he doesn't want either. But something more than we have now.

I'm just sick of people lording it over me, that they're somehow better than me because they get marriage proposals and I never have, implying or outright saying I'm stuck with someone who doesn't love me enough etc, it's really unkind.

I never do this to people. I paid off my mortgage years ago but never tell anyone in RL because it's not nice to brag, and other people haven't been as lucky as me. I don't show off about having a good job or put people down who earn less. I have a friend who's been unemployed and on benefits for years. Whilst I might think that there's possibly more she could do to get a job, I certainly wouldn't tell her that, or try and make her feel inferior by talking at length about my job/ career. I play down every one of my achievements and always have. I don't even talk about my children much because I'm aware not everyone has children and I don't want to be rubbing my parent status in people's faces.

"I'm just sick of people lording it over me, that they're somehow better than me because they get marriage proposals and I never have, implying or outright saying I'm stuck with someone who doesn't love me enough etc, it's really unkind."

You must know some pretty awful people!

Like what? Civil partnerships are exactly the same commitment as marriage. Engagement us no commitment at all.

Civil partnership
Handfasting
Alternatively
A ring, not exactly an engagement ring as such, but a ring with the intention that one or other of the above would follow in a few years.

Why are you jealous of these people?

The main one had an affair for multiple years, and within months of separating with their first partner, they are engaged to the new one. So their first relationship was a lie, and their second relationship is built on lies. Yeah that's going to be successful... 😂

The others are on multiple marriages and get engaged within months of meeting someone. So they make fast decisions that end up being wrong for them. Again, nothing to be jealous of.

You clearly aren't happy in your current relationship though and it's going nowhere. He is better about his ex still and always will be. Your kids are all old enough now that they don't need you there, that's an excuse you're making. You don't want to be with him. I'd move on and find someone else.

Civil partnerships are exactly the same as marriage. A ring means nothing. Handfasting means absolutely nothing. No commitment involved at all.

Did they lord it over you through their divorces?

Propose a hand-fasting with a non-hypocritical celebrant and pick a ring you like for you and your DP.

Enjoy your ceremony and good luck.

Is there any need for the direct attack? Do you call people ignorant and uneducated when you disagree with them in real life?
Just because it doesn't apply to your situation, doesn't mean there isn't truth in the post.