Yet another person I know is 'engaged' after a few months...AIBU to be irritated by it all?

[Unmarried2022]

I will probably be told I'm jealous, maybe I am. I don't know.

Someone I know announced on Friday they're engaged. They've officially been with this person for about 3 months (but I know they've been having an on off affair for 8-10 years before getting divorced last year, ironically for reasons other than the affair which I don't think the Ex ever knew about). Cue lots of gushing over how lucky they are to have met this person second time round blah blah.

Then there's about 3 others I know who are also planning 2nd/ 3rd/ 4th marriages to their soulmates they met a few months ago, lots of waffle about how wonderful they are and so on.

I'm not married, never have been. Never been asked even. Was in a relationship with my DCs dad for 7 years, have been with my partner for 8, we don't live together. People used to ask was I still not married (head tilt) in the same way as they'd ask why I couldn't find a boyfriend when I was single. Irritating. Thankfully they've mostly stopped asking now and just view me as a weird anomaly.

My parents (now dead) never got married which was unusual for the time although they changed their names and my mum wore a ring so people assumed they were.

I don't even know if I'd want to get married if I was asked. I'd want a civil partnership. But I don't think my partner will even do that. He's too bitter about his divorce 10 years ago, ironically he was much more of a believer in marriage than I've ever been but since his ended in divorce he says it's meaningless.

A couple of people have said to me what a shame it was that no one has loved me enough to marry me. And whilst I think that's the wrong way to look it at, that really unkind comment hurt very deeply. Even though marriage isn't even what I want.

I'd like a ring. But DP earns under 20k a year and has considerable debts. I earn 3x that and own my own house/ have good savings. So really if I want a ring I should just buy my own shouldn't I?

I'd like a ring. But DP earns under 20k a year and has considerable debts. I earn 3x that and own my own house/ have good savings.

Don't get married!! It would be a terrible financial choice for you.

You seem very hung up on the proposal op. Why is that?

A proposal is only worth something if you want to get married and you seem confused about whether you want that. If you're going to say no (I don't think you would) then encouraging a proposal would be cruel. A close friend of ours proposed to his girlfirend , was refused and the relatioship broke down. It was humiliating for both of them, but particularly the man in that case. The girlfriend didn't do anything wrong of course, but it was a mess.

When I was younger I never wanted marriage. I wanted a committed equal relationship of joint goals, ambitions, hopes, ideals etc but I was never that bothered about marriage.

Over time I came to feel that I wanted some sort of tangible commitment over and above that, but one that wasn't quite marriage. Before I met DP civil partnership wasn't legal but I knew of people who'd done handfasting and that kind of thing did appeal as an idea if I met the right person.

And then when I met DP I did feel he was the right person. But he thinks that handfasting and civil partnership is a bit out there, and doesn't want to get married.. And that's where we are.

So I've not compromised my ideas on marriage for DP because it was never something I wanted. A commitment yes but in some other form.

@Unmarried2022

I do wonder how people get proposed to 4 or 5 times when I never have been?

I’m on my third marriage and have never had a proposal.

Also, being proposed to 4 or 5 times? Very unusual in this day and age I would think. We aren't in the Regency period with eligible bachelors seeking blushing virgins with a considerable dowry. Times have changed. My daughter didn't get a proposal and she still managed to get married (and divorced).

But you've obviously changed your mind op, which is perfectly ok. You do want to get married and he doesn't. That's your problem here, not what others do or don't do.

DP gets nothing financially from our relationship as we live separately. When we go out for dinner, we go halves or take it in turns to pay. We do spend time at each others houses but that's pretty even too.

And of course I can buy a ring or any jewellery for myself. I always have though, I guess for once I'd like something bought for me (DP doesn't buy jewellery gifts).

Are you really being honest with yourself about not wanting to marry?

Really agree with the poster above on this:
"TBH though, from a practical point of view you're personally better off not being married given your earnings and assets. For me, marriage is the contract you enter into if you're going to take a career hit to raise his children. If it goes tits up you at least get half the house and pension."

Not sure I would marry (or civil partnershil) in your situation. Your DP may realize that you think that way to

Honestly op, disappointment with your relationship and where it is now is seeping out of your posts. Your not happy, are you?

You're

I'd like something more than we have now.

I don't know why I want that, my parents didn't and it worked well for them, but then they were pretending to the outside world that they were married (I'm not even sure if their families knew they weren't).

@Unmarried2022

I do wonder how people get proposed to 4 or 5 times when I never have been?

I could be wrong OP but it sounds to me like you want the proposal/ring/engagement extravaganza much more than you want marriage. You've had at least 2 significant relationships, one resulting in a child/children so perhaps you feel there has been too much "real life" and not enough of the pretty flouncy stuff and you've been short changed. If you do, it is valid, because it is how you feel.

I agree with others that you should try to figure out exactly what would make you feel happy and secure and take it from there.

@TacoCats

You don't live together, and he's still bitter about his ex - a ring is the least of your worries!

This I wouldn’t ever marry again ever too much to lose

Also, being proposed to 4 or 5 times? Very unusual in this day and age I would think

Totally depends on your peer group. I know three women from a lot of family money (not British, but all from different places in the world so not obviously cultural either) whose boyfriends seem to propose within a week or two - I assume that’s the expectation in their circles. Seems to be a “chivalry” sweeping off feet thing. They all get turned down, so the whole thing seems bizarre to me.

I also have family members (totally normal working class background, definitely no family money), who basically get engaged to everyone they date. They don’t get married either. I assume this is lovebombing - the boyfriends in question are mostly dickheads, but he’s proposed so it must be “true love” and she’ll put up with him shagging around, treating her like shit etc.

Plenty of people aren’t married but why can’t you live together?

Marriage is something we think we want but when it happens, we find it's not all it's cracked up to be. It feels like a cage. My first lasted 3m, my second 3yr, and the third ten years. Each time I backed out. I hope I won't get married again but I'm a glutton for punishment.

You know it wouldn't make sense financially to marry your dp, due to what would happen if you divorce. Not even so much his lower income but the debts, this isn't a good financial match to make legal.
What about though - an engagement, that never actually goes on to marriage? Some people are engaged for decades! You could make the announcement, get the ring, feel you were on an equal footing with your friends (which seems to be an issue) but he'd be happy as not married and you'd protect your assets.

We don't live together because we live in different parts of the country, I don't want to move from here until my children are older (I was going to say until they leave home but as I know some people still living at home in their 30s and 40s let's say I'm not waiting that long!) Realistically another 2-3 years (my children all over 18 now but not by much).

I’ve never been proposed to either, been with DP 8 years and 3 kids with him. I’m honestly not bothered though, I’m not fussed about getting married. We’ve got a mortgage and 3 kids, marriage won’t change any of that. If one of us was gonna break up with the other, being married won’t make a difference to that either, just makes it even more messy to deal with. I keep seeing people getting engaged/married all the time now and I honestly don’t feel anything other than happiness (if I know them) or indifference (for people I don’t know that well/acquaintances)

Honestly, your post says jealousy imo. I don’t care how many times people have been proposed to, been married/divorced and so on. You seem to care quite deeply about it, which to me says jealousy.

You don't get to decide where he is hurried, whether he is cremated or buried. In hospital they won't ask you whether to switch off the machine, whether to be given the risky but lifesaving operation.

When he dies you won't get any tax benefit and if his relations swoop in to take all your sentimental items which are at his house. You won't get any widows benefit or anything to help with the funeral.

This is why people get married.

You could set up power of attoneys, medical advance directives, detailed wills etc life insurance policies and other things, most of which happen automatically when you sign the marriage register.

But I doubt you've even done any of that.

As far as the law is concerned, he is on the same level as a bloke you once stood next to in Tesco.

I don't really see the problem - other people make different life choices. It seems that you are judging them as others have judged you.

I agree with this and also, the fact the OP's DP earns under 20k a year and has considerable debts doesn't mean he couldn't buy a ring of some sort if he really wanted to. My friend's recently bought engagement ring cost £80 from a secondhand gold shop.

I think you need new friends frankly who are not obsessed with boyfriend, marriage and bullshitting.

*where he is buried.

As pp said, in your situation, financially marriage would put you at a disadvantage.

You seem to have chosen a very arms length type of relationship. One where you are virtually strangers, not getting to know each other in the way daily in person interaction brings.

Living in separate houses 10 minutes away is an ideal set up for some. Nothing wrong with that.

But permanent long distance suggests fear of real intimacy.

Comparison is the thief of joy.
I don’t give a flying whatever about other people’s domestic arrangements. You shouldn’t, either.