To email school about DD never being recognised…

[Greyhop]

I’m very happy to be put in my place here! DD is pretty quiet, well behaved at school. She is very good academically - but never gets certificates, is never on school council, has never been to headteachers tea party throughout her time at school/happens termly with about 4 children from her class chosen to go along (some children in her class have been 4 or 5 times). This has been fine up til now.

This year she has started to say “I’m not popular”. I’ve supported her with this - saying she may not be sporty etc, but she does well in English. Everyone has different talents.

The school do reading awards. A new thing this year. DD got to her bronze award, and she was first to do so. Since then she has read avidly, in the hope of getting a mention in assembly as first to get to platinum. 2 weeks ago the school was told someone in year 6 is only a few reads away. It was her. She has followed the rules, written reams in her reading diary - worked it all out that she could get to platinum first. I was reluctant to go with this, but I could see how keen she was - and that she was set to get it.

Yesterday, 4 other children got the award before her - in a different year group - and the only way they could have got it was by their teacher allowing them extra reads to beat her.

She is absolutely devastated!!!

I’m too emotionally invested in this aren’t I? I shouldn’t have encouraged her. But I’ve never seen her sob her heart out like this!

I’ve told her we’ll do our own award/tea party at home. She’s now happy. AIBU to vent in an email to the school????

By the way, I am only noticing this now, but isn't it sort of insane that she only had two weeks left to go and was way ahead but still had to read 10 more books? Or am I mixing something up?

10 books are so many to read in just two weeks. Even though books for children are thinner children read more slowly too. I am a fast reader (but I read them properly and don't skip anything and I like to take many breaks and think about what I have read) and I read a book every two weeks. Usually 350 pages or so.

I mean I have other things to do and kids have school and friends and hobbies so 10 books in two weeks seems kind of unhealthy like they are encouraging the kids just to read parts of them to answer the questions.

The whole award seems kind of odd. As does the tea party thing.

I remember at high school they made a HUGE deal about the end of year award ceremony, about how the local college would really care about who got the awards and we all had to work really hard.

And then on the day, the good kids would sit there, empty-handed, while the vilest bullies would be led to the stage to collect awards - money, vouchers, accolades. The kids with support, the kids who'd been frequently suspended, the kids who threw chairs and swore at teachers, the kids who frankly made everyone's lives a misery.

Awards only exist as bribes for naughty kids. Good kids will always be good, so they'll never win anything. They'll see the badly-behaved kids rewarded for screaming, swearing and stealing with chocolate, days out and gift cards because the school can rest easy knowing a good kid won't ever turn bad.

When my kids started primary I had to give them the bad news - because they spotted it before I did. That kid bites, so he gets Star of the Week. That kid rips other kids' work into pieces, so she wins the English award. End of term "champion" is the kid who got a week's suspension for tearing a sink from the wall. My kids are gobsmacked that the school reward this behaviour, but they learned fast.

High school, nothing changes. The good kids get the occasional House Point, but the ones with hundreds are the ones who barely make it through the week without being manhandled off to isolation. They're also the ones who pocket the end of term Amazon vouchers and the days out to the shopping mall. Good kids? Nothing.

Fucking sucks, frankly.

I totally agree

Nothing ever changes, that’s why I’m a believer in heads down and get on with it for yourself

Sorry your daughter is upset. I think this whole award system is hard on the children, and perhaps on the teachers too.

I can't confirm this at all. High school was so different here. You'd only get an award if you'd done something really exceptional and you had to put a lot of work into it. The A+ students got most of the awards. Even in primary school the good kids would usually get rewarded and the ones who disturbed class wouldn't get anything or rarely.

This whole "bullies and misbehaved children are rewarded and my perfect child didn't get anything" discussion here is kind of pointless. Not saying that your kids aren't wonderful but parents usually think that their children are perfect and nice and well behaved in school but they are not there to witness it. I have seen children who were really quiet and nice around their parents throw stuff, kick children and scream during lessons. It's sort of like the "my kid would never get into a stranger's car" thing. The parents of the children who you think misbehave all of the time probably think they are wonderful and perfect too.

Conversation with ds teacher "im concerned ds is putting in a massive amount of effort and its being ignored is there anyway of rectifying this?" (Teacher) well he seems resilient (doesn't moan loud enough when he is being bullied) I'm sure he can understand that other children need extra help and support (few weeks later) ds doesn't seem to be making much effort anymore is everything OK at home? "Umm yes pretty sure he just needs encouragement at school he will be fine" (months later) he STILL isn't putting the effort in would you like to refer to.the early help hub get yourself some support we always feel home life has a huge impact on school life "im not being rude here but I work 40 hours a week my son is fine at home if he isn't fine in school perhaps YOU can try some strategies to encourage him in school time? (School call in there Councillor to do a "wellbeing check" on ds) WELL unnamed he said he doesn't like school at all why do you feel that is? Hmm? We feel there is something he isn't telling us? Something at home maybe? We can't understand why he doesn't want to be here? (In my kindest talking to idiots voice) he has been bullied by the same child for five years you keep this child in his class for five years and for FIVE YEARS he has watched while you reward this child weekly and every year several times a year we have this conversation now your trying to make your ineptitude my problem?

Our primary school always had head boy and head girl in year 6. Two different chosen each term so 3 head girls and 3 head boys.

When it got to my DS year they made two girls head girls each term so no boys at all

I wrote an email saying whilst I was in no way expecting my son to be head boy, how worthless all the other boys must have felt. Never got a reply though

Our DS only won an award end of year 6 but they gave him and another kid the wrong awards. My son never played chess but won that award. The other kid was bad at maths but a chess genius. C'est la vie !

@Littlemissprosecco

But it’s the teachers and the awards which create the unfairness which we parents have to deal with!

I and most other teachers I know keep a list to make sure everyone gets a fair share of awards. Maybe the ones that aren't are new to teaching and haven't figured it out yet.

@Snowbell99

By the way, I am only noticing this now, but isn't it sort of insane that she only had two weeks left to go and was way ahead but still had to read 10 more books? Or am I mixing something up?

10 books are so many to read in just two weeks. Even though books for children are thinner children read more slowly too. I am a fast reader (but I read them properly and don't skip anything and I like to take many breaks and think about what I have read) and I read a book every two weeks. Usually 350 pages or so.

I mean I have other things to do and kids have school and friends and hobbies so 10 books in two weeks seems kind of unhealthy like they are encouraging the kids just to read parts of them to answer the questions.

The whole award seems kind of odd. As does the tea party thing.

Her nearest competitor was 50 reads behind her, but did it in the time. I’m guessing that a ‘read’ is a reasonable amount for a primary child to read in an evening, hence the limit being there to prevent them ruining their eyes.

@Snowbell99

By the way, I am only noticing this now, but isn't it sort of insane that she only had two weeks left to go and was way ahead but still had to read 10 more books? Or am I mixing something up?

10 books are so many to read in just two weeks. Even though books for children are thinner children read more slowly too. I am a fast reader (but I read them properly and don't skip anything and I like to take many breaks and think about what I have read) and I read a book every two weeks. Usually 350 pages or so.

I mean I have other things to do and kids have school and friends and hobbies so 10 books in two weeks seems kind of unhealthy like they are encouraging the kids just to read parts of them to answer the questions.

The whole award seems kind of odd. As does the tea party thing.

Some kids read fast. Our DS did the holiday reading competition run by local library 3 times over the summer one year. That's 30 books over the summer. He's a bookworm. Did get a special award from the mayor though !

This is really sad OP. I'm not sure it's right for you to vent in an email though, I would be more inclined to organise a meeting with the teacher with my daughter present so we could discuss what is going on. I agree that you need to be her advocate and her supporter here, I've been the quiet kid who never got any recognition and it really does hurt.

I hate that these kind of threads are used to shit on attendance awards. I was never sporty, artistic, musical or the smartest in my class so I never got any of those awards, but full attendance was something I could achieve, and I did even though it meant missing my favourite auntie’s wedding. To hear people say it’s not a real award is actually quite hurtful.

@Snowbell99

They might count ‘reads’ as sessions of reading, especially for younger or lower ability children.

Maybe a child could read 2-3 pages of a book at their level twice a day, and for them, that would count as two reads. Another child would be expected to read a chapter of a longer book to count as a read because that can reasonably be expected for their ability.

It sounds like the mistake the headteacher made was to place importance on who got their awards first instead of recognising every award as an equal achievement, as it should be. It’s a system that appears to be used across the whole of primary so it has to work for 4 year olds as well as it works for 11 year olds and there is no need to add a competitive element to reading.

I don’t think most children in year 6 would usually care so much about this sort of thing in normal circumstances, and I wonder if OP’s dd being so upset about it has to do with how much time in school doing various normal things children in her year have missed because of lockdowns.

Keeping a list to ensure each child gets ‘2’ a term isn’t really fair either, it just spreads the unfairness. As the pp said, kids being given awards for things they haven’t even done!

This whole "bullies and misbehaved children are rewarded and my perfect child didn't get anything" discussion here is kind of pointless. Not saying that your kids aren't wonderful but parents usually think that their children are perfect and nice and well behaved in school but they are not there to witness it. I have seen children who were really quiet and nice around their parents throw stuff, kick children and scream during lessons. It's sort of like the "my kid would never get into a stranger's car" thing. The parents of the children who you think misbehave all of the time probably think they are wonderful and perfect too.

Nah. Completely wrong.

This happened to my DD in judo. She worked so hard and did it brilliantly and all the boys got their new belt colour and none of the girls. I complained and he gave her the belt later but she gave up judo.

Point out to the teacher about how hard she works and how it's undermining her confidence. These things are important.

@TangledNemo

I hate that these kind of threads are used to shit on attendance awards. I was never sporty, artistic, musical or the smartest in my class so I never got any of those awards, but full attendance was something I could achieve, and I did even though it meant missing my favourite auntie’s wedding. To hear people say it’s not a real award is actually quite hurtful.

Attendance is something most children have no control over. Children with disabilities and chronic illnesses are unable to come to school unwell. Children with parents who are physically or mentally unwell can be prevented from attending when their parent can’t get them too school or need the child to stay home to care for them. Some families can’t afford to travel to school sometimes. And some parents care so little for school that they pick and choose which days they can be bothered to get everyone ready and out the house to school. Often these children love school, hate missing it, and rapidly fall behind as they miss so many days. They don’t have a chance to excel at anything let alone attend every day.

@Littlemissprosecco

Keeping a list to ensure each child gets ‘2’ a term isn’t really fair either, it just spreads the unfairness. As the pp said, kids being given awards for things they haven’t even done!

There is always something a child has done. They won't get it in a week when they've been nothing but badly behaved, however, we do look for things that are specific to that child. Sometimes it will be for academic achievement, sometimes for effort in something, sometimes for a value they have shown.

The children like getting certificates - I've taught for 20 years and they always look forward to be weekly celebration assembly. So long as they are all recognised in some way I don't see the problem with it.

I don't agree with attendance awards. They are unfair and pointless, especially at primary school when it's mainly the parents not the child who has control over whether they attend.

I guess as in all other walls of life you’ll get both good and not so good experiences. Good and not do good teachers etc…. As parents we’re just doing our best to help our children navigate through.

People trying to work out what constitutes a 'read' make good points and if it is as some suspect then the whole award system needs to be split on the basis of Year Groups otherwise unfairness is already built in.

Why shouldn't the OP's daughter want to come first for once and have recognition for that? This is a child that found something she could excel at and worked at it to do so and despite playing by the rules and doing what was asked of her the deck was seemingly stacked against her. This is demotivating, this does lead to a children thinking why bother? is that really what teachers want?

I find it depressing that this kind of stuff is still going on even now, it did in my parents day, my day, my childrens day and now my grandchildrens day, this culture in education is obviously never going to alter. The criteria for awards may have changed as it now seems to be those who are least deserving and more often than not outright bullies but the resentment at the unfairness of it remains the same. It's little wonder many have a very jaundiced view of their school days.

I'd see this as a good chance to teach her about advocating for herself, and help her to write a letter to the school, with your blessing.

@EdithRea

I remember at high school they made a HUGE deal about the end of year award ceremony, about how the local college would really care about who got the awards and we all had to work really hard.

And then on the day, the good kids would sit there, empty-handed, while the vilest bullies would be led to the stage to collect awards - money, vouchers, accolades. The kids with support, the kids who'd been frequently suspended, the kids who threw chairs and swore at teachers, the kids who frankly made everyone's lives a misery.

Awards only exist as bribes for naughty kids. Good kids will always be good, so they'll never win anything. They'll see the badly-behaved kids rewarded for screaming, swearing and stealing with chocolate, days out and gift cards because the school can rest easy knowing a good kid won't ever turn bad.

When my kids started primary I had to give them the bad news - because they spotted it before I did. That kid bites, so he gets Star of the Week. That kid rips other kids' work into pieces, so she wins the English award. End of term "champion" is the kid who got a week's suspension for tearing a sink from the wall. My kids are gobsmacked that the school reward this behaviour, but they learned fast.

High school, nothing changes. The good kids get the occasional House Point, but the ones with hundreds are the ones who barely make it through the week without being manhandled off to isolation. They're also the ones who pocket the end of term Amazon vouchers and the days out to the shopping mall. Good kids? Nothing.

Fucking sucks, frankly.

This quite frankly was my experience at school also. The badly behaved kids were bribed with money, technology and days out. Well behaved got you nothing…. And yes we also had an end of school assembly at 16 which was a farce really. Exactly the same as what you’ve described. It was gutting.

My children were also being largely ignored at school. They are well behaved. Never seemed to get certificates for much. Never got much of a look in to be fair.

I sympathise however because a class of 30 must be really, really hard to navigate and handle.

We homeschool now (for a variety of different reasons including bullying every year) and they are much happier in themselves and more confident.

Yes bring it up.

All the best