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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To email school about DD never being recognised…

239 replies

Greyhop · 12/03/2022 12:32

I’m very happy to be put in my place here! DD is pretty quiet, well behaved at school. She is very good academically - but never gets certificates, is never on school council, has never been to headteachers tea party throughout her time at school/happens termly with about 4 children from her class chosen to go along (some children in her class have been 4 or 5 times). This has been fine up til now.

This year she has started to say “I’m not popular”. I’ve supported her with this - saying she may not be sporty etc, but she does well in English. Everyone has different talents.

The school do reading awards. A new thing this year. DD got to her bronze award, and she was first to do so. Since then she has read avidly, in the hope of getting a mention in assembly as first to get to platinum. 2 weeks ago the school was told someone in year 6 is only a few reads away. It was her. She has followed the rules, written reams in her reading diary - worked it all out that she could get to platinum first. I was reluctant to go with this, but I could see how keen she was - and that she was set to get it.

Yesterday, 4 other children got the award before her - in a different year group - and the only way they could have got it was by their teacher allowing them extra reads to beat her.

She is absolutely devastated!!!

I’m too emotionally invested in this aren’t I? I shouldn’t have encouraged her. But I’ve never seen her sob her heart out like this!

I’ve told her we’ll do our own award/tea party at home. She’s now happy. AIBU to vent in an email to the school????

OP posts:
Littlemissprosecco · 12/03/2022 16:25

But it’s the teachers and the awards which create the unfairness which we parents have to deal with!

mcmooberry · 12/03/2022 16:26

Glad you are going to say something, and would also advise telling your DD that you are going to say something so she knows you are in her corner. I would say a well-worded email rather than saying something at parents evening would be more effective.

Good luck!

balalake · 12/03/2022 16:27

Talk to the teacher, not an email, I think it shows your concern in a better way.

ShepherdMoons · 12/03/2022 16:30

You should say something and see if the school will listen. However, my experiences with my dcs schools in the past have been that schools are unfair. The teachers have their favourites and really don't bother to hide this. The awards often go to the very naughty (for being good for a change) or the favourites. I have seen it time and time again. If you can't resolve this with the school then try to explain to your dd that sometimes things aren't fair. Try some clubs out of school where she can build her self esteem up.

BogRollBOGOF · 12/03/2022 16:32

@dottymac

Your post strikes a chord. I feel my children are not recognised for their achievements either. Sadly, the 'middling' type children who are generally well behaved and get on with their work, are lost amongst the class when teachers are so thinly stretched with classes (and spend so much time firefighting bad behaviour/additional needs etc). I'm a teacher so have experience of this. So, yanbu, it is a very bitter pill to follow 😔
Middling children who work well, get on with things and do well but getting Bs rather than As are so important as well because they're the ones that make a class. Every class will have some obvious stars. Every class will have its challenges, but when you've got those middling kids on side, that's when you've got a great class to teach. If you've lost them, it's an uphill battle.

It is worth putting it on a teacher's radar as it is too easy to overlook.

We have two stars of the week per class so that's two turns per year. It's a decent amount to make everyone feel appreciated and come up with something sincere (although there is the occasional "played nicely all week Wink) . I like star of the week because it's open enough to play to everyone's strength.

Between two dyslexic children (y6&y4), neither has had a writer of the week.

Lilac57 · 12/03/2022 16:37

It sounds like your DD's school don't really have very many awards, if she's never got one ever? I do like the Star of the Week awards, and Reward cards home, even though they're not the big awards, they at least they mean everyone should get some recognition at some point, as long as they're trying. Maybe suggest more awards to your DD's school, so they're not so rarely given?

Summerfun54321 · 12/03/2022 16:37

This needs to be a lesson in standing up for what’s right and pushing her to have a voice. She was treated unfairly, show her how to kick up a fuss and make her opinion heard.

Gizacluethen · 12/03/2022 16:39

@Greyhop

Oh my goodness, what excellent replies from all of you. Decision made! DD is an introvert, and if something isn’t fair she needs to find her voice - and not feel discouraged. Thank you so, so much. Parents evening next week, so I shall have a word! It was unfair - DD was very invested, and the assembly had definitely turned it into a competition. Her nearest competitor was 50 reads behind her, and DD had 10 left. She completely stuck to the rules, fiercely stuck to the rules so there would be no question that she had achieved it!
This is heartbreaking. Poor girl. So one of the other teachers, desperate for their class to win has allowed and encouraged cheating just to beat a young girl to the finish line. It's always the teachers favourites that win shit like this and it's just not fair.

When I won the one and only thing I'd ever won in school, fair and square. 100% the winner the teacher made another kid joint winner and we both got prizes. It felt like he was saying he didn't want me to win. Its shit as a child to feel that adults have taken a dislike to you.

ChickenStripper · 12/03/2022 16:49

It seems a hell of a lot of extra work and stress for all of you just so that she can get her name read out at assembly etc. I think there's a bigger discussion to be had and dealt with here.

Moyny · 12/03/2022 16:54

@Greyhop

Oh my goodness, what excellent replies from all of you. Decision made! DD is an introvert, and if something isn’t fair she needs to find her voice - and not feel discouraged. Thank you so, so much. Parents evening next week, so I shall have a word! It was unfair - DD was very invested, and the assembly had definitely turned it into a competition. Her nearest competitor was 50 reads behind her, and DD had 10 left. She completely stuck to the rules, fiercely stuck to the rules so there would be no question that she had achieved it!
I'm still not understanding the rules for the platinum reading award -- is a 'read' a book? Or a section of a book? In what way could a teacher have 'allowed' other children 'extra reads'? Do you mean you think a teacher faked results for other children, who hadn't actually read the books they claim to have?
TurquoiseDragon · 12/03/2022 16:57

Yesterday, 4 other children got the award before her - in a different year group - and the only way they could have got it was by their teacher allowing them extra reads to beat her.

For all the people who are saying the OP's DD got the award, this suggests she actually hasn't.

OP says her DD has been sticking rigidly to the rules, so I'm sure if extra reads were allowed, she'd have done that.

So, if I were in OP's position, I would be questioning things with the school. I would also be questioning how children are chosen for the HT's tea party.

LetsGoCrazyPurpleBanana · 12/03/2022 16:59

I get you. My 9 year old daughter is very bright,exceeds all targets,is kind and polite etc and never gets good work certificates etc. But the children who regularly misbehave get rewarded if they have a good week.

TheArtfulBlogger · 12/03/2022 17:00

@Littlemissprosecco

No, don’t get involved with school. They have to learn life’s unfair sometimes, and it’s her own achievements that really matter, not always recognition.
Rubbish advice.

Contact the school in a fair way. No blame, just express how you and DD feel. You have nothing to lose

Herald44 · 12/03/2022 17:01

My DD is only in year 2 but is already this child. She has never had any of these types of awards despite making steady progress, getting on with peers, behaving well etc. It's tough. She's quiet and doesn't stand out in school - she's actually full of personality but at school I think is shy and it doesn't shine.

The other day she came out visibly upset because a child in her class had been sent to the headteacher for a gold award for helping tidy up the classroom without being asked. She was upset because she says she tidies up every day but the teacher has never mentioned it. I can believe it too because she is always tidying at home and doesn't like things out of place!! It's tough and I have been on the verge of saying something so this thread has been helpful. Your DD sounds lovely, by the way!

Snowbell99 · 12/03/2022 17:01

@TurquoiseDragon

Yesterday, 4 other children got the award before her - in a different year group - and the only way they could have got it was by their teacher allowing them extra reads to beat her.

For all the people who are saying the OP's DD got the award, this suggests she actually hasn't.

OP says her DD has been sticking rigidly to the rules, so I'm sure if extra reads were allowed, she'd have done that.

So, if I were in OP's position, I would be questioning things with the school. I would also be questioning how children are chosen for the HT's tea party.

How does this imply that she didn't get it? It says "four other children got the awards before her" which to me suggests she did get it but she came in fifth.

The OP wrote this:

"Since then she has read avidly, in the hope of getting a mention in assembly as first to get to platinum."

Which to me implies that she wanted to be the first to get the award but not she is the fifth and upset because of this.

She also mentioned that her daughter was the first to get to platinum so she got that award previously and others must have gotten it after her.

Snowbell99 · 12/03/2022 17:02

*first to get bronze

Snowbell99 · 12/03/2022 17:03

Agree about the tea party. The tea party is still extremely strange to me.

ChickenStripper · 12/03/2022 17:04

@LetsGoCrazyPurpleBanana

I get you. My 9 year old daughter is very bright,exceeds all targets,is kind and polite etc and never gets good work certificates etc. But the children who regularly misbehave get rewarded if they have a good week.
This is the problem - much of it is about "effort" so when a "bad" child does a little bit of something the school want it to be rewarded.
Snowbell99 · 12/03/2022 17:05

QUOTE: I'm still not understanding the rules for the platinum reading award -- is a 'read' a book? Or a section of a book? In what way could a teacher have 'allowed' other children 'extra reads'? Do you mean you think a teacher faked results for other children, who hadn't actually read the books they claim to have?

Me neither. Or the tea party.

wearingtheT · 12/03/2022 17:05

Smart children work out the system. Then the system is a waste of time. if she hasn't worked it out...help her. Personal achievement is the greatest gift you can give her.
I wouldn't worry too much, when they get to secondary it's a different ball game. results are read out, everyone knows who's smart etc. No molly coddling at all.

TurquoiseDragon · 12/03/2022 17:10

@Snowbell99

OP's DD had calculated she was in the lead by a long way, so she was in line to get the platinum award regardless, with 10 reads left to go.

So there's no doubt she will get the platinum award. Then these 4 chhildren are awarded yesterday, so this is where the "before her" comes from. "Before her" doesn't mean she also got the award, it means these 4 children got the award before the DD could.

Snowbell99 · 12/03/2022 17:19

[quote TurquoiseDragon]**@Snowbell99

OP's DD had calculated she was in the lead by a long way, so she was in line to get the platinum award regardless, with 10 reads left to go.

So there's no doubt she will get the platinum award. Then these 4 chhildren are awarded yesterday, so this is where the "before her" comes from. "Before her" doesn't mean she also got the award, it means these 4 children got the award before the DD could.[/quote]
But why is the emphasis in her comment then so much on that the daughter wanted to get it first so that she'd be mentioned in the school assembly? To me it sounds like the first people to achieve it would be mentioned in the assembly and that others could get it later on for finishing the number of books.

Anyway, she won the bronze award previously so she wasn't overlooked and if the four other children read more then it is fair. If the OP is unsure about whether it was fair because she is suspicious about the other kids reading so many books in such a short time she should ask about the rules. But as they are from a different age group it likely had to do with the books being shorter.

ChampagneLassie · 12/03/2022 17:19

I think find things out of school to enter her for - I'm sure there are lots of things she could be doing. By all means speak to school but as others have said they'll ensure she gets stuff and it will feel hollow to her. These school awards are clearly a lot of nonsense and not really on merit at all. It is a life lesson. Life isn't fair and learning to navigate that and seek out areas where you achieve for yourself and your own satisfaction are important

GetYourEightYearOldOutOfATree · 12/03/2022 17:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NeedAHoliday2021 · 12/03/2022 17:29

Dd1 is consistently good but quiet and introverted. She got 100% in two of her SATs exams, high results in the rest and still didn’t get a bloody certificate. Dd2 is an extrovert and average academically, she gets lots of certificates. Dd1 is now at secondary and they have a much better set up that enables them to achieve in different ways to get recognition based on meeting clear achievements rather than who caught the teacher’s eye. In Year 6 Dd1 became aware of the unfairness and we alone about it and how teachers use it to encourage dc who weren’t motivated but as Dd is so good already she doesn’t get them. She still occasionally laughs about Jake getting worker of the term because he managed to go the whole term not punching anyone! Different dc need different encouragement and Dd understands that now. I still think it’s a bad approach but primary is over for us this year so I’ll skip merrily away.