To confront a friend who is showy about not having kids?

[fmac2987]

I have a 2 year old DD and am expecting our second in 8 weeks.

I have a friend, who I know really wanted kids and went through a lot of try to have them, IVF etc, but has now decided with her current partner that they don't want children.

Its not like I had it easy. 4 losses followed by IVF and we were lucky enough to be successful with IVF, and even luckier still to be having another. But I am struggling hard with the terrible twos and perinatal depression and she knows it.

Whenever we chat, on whatsapp or whatever she makes a massive point of showing off that she doesn't have any commitments and sends photos of her in the bath with wine, etc etc. Normally I'd be thinking that all this is coming from a place of pain (and it might be) but I feel like its salt in the wound right now.

So I backed away a stopped chatting as much and she's called me out on it by saying she thinks I'm jealous, and I shouldn't avoid her just because she doesn't have children and has a life.

I really don't know how to manage this.

Is it unreasonable to back away from this weird situation?

Sometimes life gets in the way of old friendships and it’s best to move on. Sounds like this is one of those times.

As someone who didn’t get their expected ‘happy ending’ after multiple losses and lots of different fertility treatments I can understand where your friend is coming from. I would imagine she’s putting up defences to protect herself from the pain and bitterness that you’ve got what she wanted badly enough to go through fertility treatment. I’m not saying her behaviour is okay or reasonable but at the same time I’d say it’s completely understandable. We have a wonderful adopted child but I still really struggle with other peoples pregnancies and to have empathy when they are having a tough time of it. Do you have other friends to turn to?

Some people who can't have kids end up very bitter and resentful people. It sounds like a "her" problem and I'd tell her to piss off.

Personally, I think your being a tad touching. My friend doesn’t have children & sends me her amazing social life, she made the choice of not having children and I made the choice to have a child. I’m happy for her that she is enjoying her life the way she’s chose too. What kind of friend would I be if I was jealous that she could bath in peace. (maybe a little) but then I wouldn’t have my little boy to keep me company 🤷🏼‍♀️..

@Peoniesandcream

Some people who can't have kids end up very bitter and resentful people. It sounds like a "her" problem and I'd tell her to piss off.

@Peoniesandcream

As can people who DO have kids as this thread clearly shows…

@Peoniesandcream

Some people who can't have kids end up very bitter and resentful people. It sounds like a "her" problem and I'd tell her to piss off.

@Peoniesandcream can you read or you just lack comprehension skills and any kind of intelligence?

Op said her friend has offered to mind her daughter to help friend out, when op told her about being pregnant with her second, friend dropped over loads of newborn clothes. Op text friend to go for a walk and friend said she couldn’t as she was getting a manicure and op took this as her rubbing her nose in her childfree life.

Poor op - it sounds her like DH is totally useless and she’s on her knees with exhaustion and suffering from depression hence jealous of her friends free time.

The friend has done nothing wrong and OP needs her DH to step up and to get some counselling.

@Peoniesandcream

Some people who can't have kids end up very bitter and resentful people. It sounds like a "her" problem and I'd tell her to piss off.

Have you even read OPs posts?

Her friend has offered to help look after her child, and actually sounds like she's been a pretty decent friend even though she has been through quite a lot herself. OP has admitted she is "triggered" and jealous of her friend.

So basically, you've made yourself sound like an absolute twat. Well done.

@Oldraver

I also have a life but I dont want cunts in it, goodbye

Defo this reply ^^ 😀

@WorraLiberty

Could she perhaps feel as though you're making a massive point by talking so much about your parental struggles?

Rightly or wrongly, becoming a parent does change friendships and sometimes we forget out DC/struggles isn't the only topic of conversation.

It does sound as though somewhere along the line, you two have lost your way together. Possibly because she finds it hard to support you due to her own infertility.

First paragraphs - you got what you both wanted, the kids, but moan about it. That probably stings. Anyway, you both have different lifestyles now so probably not compatible any more.

@ThistleTits
Hope you’re joking

Well, this thread has been a bit of an eye-opener about what (some) women think about other women who can't have/don't have/don't want kids.

Not counting the OP in that, she at least has an excuse.

@AnIconOfImperfections

Well it’s patently obvious that she’s lashing out because she’s in pain. She wanted children so much that she went through IVF to try and have one / some. Clearly realised it wasn’t going to happen (well not without a huge emotional and financial toll) and instead of admitting this, is instead now denying her yearning to be a mother.

I get it, it’s easier to take that attitude than have everyone pitying you. I know she’s being unkind but perhaps cut her a little slack. You likely have everything she wants (bar the terrible twos and perinatal depression, but those are impermanent, despite how awful they are at the time, unlike being a mother, which lasts forever)

Agree with this

This thread is getting ridiculous.

OP could come out and admit she's been an total arsehole to her friend and treated her like crap (she pretty much has said this) - and people would still be running to her defence and in doing so calling her friend all sorts.

The disregard and total disrespect towards anyone who does not have a child is pathetic.

Being a mum does not give you free reign to be a dickhead, some people on here could do well realising that. I don't even think OP is doing it purposefully, she's clearly going through a hard time. But some of the comments on here from some entitled, self centred mums shows just how much they think of themselves. Chances are you birthed whiney wee Maisie or gobby little Johnie, not the Jesus incarnate, get over yourself.

@LeeleeSha

This thread is getting ridiculous.

OP could come out and admit she's been an total arsehole to her friend and treated her like crap (she pretty much has said this) - and people would still be running to her defence and in doing so calling her friend all sorts.

The disregard and total disrespect towards anyone who does not have a child is pathetic.

Being a mum does not give you free reign to be a dickhead, some people on here could do well realising that. I don't even think OP is doing it purposefully, she's clearly going through a hard time. But some of the comments on here from some entitled, self centred mums shows just how much they think of themselves. Chances are you birthed whiney wee Maisie or gobby little Johnie, not the Jesus incarnate, get over yourself.

I love this 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

The OPs updates completely change the situation.
Her friend has been very supportive and offers to mind her DD but OP seems to be of the opinion that if her friend isn't totally obsessed with her pregnancy and kids she's a bad friend. They are not her children, so she doesn't have to be. Offering to mind your kid, helping you gather baby things etc - she's a damn good friend.

@fmac2987 This person is acting like a bully to someone who's 7 month pregnant? That ain't a friend.

[quote CallmeBadJanet]@fmac2987 This person is acting like a bully to someone who's 7 month pregnant? That ain't a friend.[/quote]
@CallmeBadJanet can you read? If so I recommend reading OP posts.

Just say ‘backed away because I’m busy with my children, I’m relieved that you’re happy with your choices. So am I’

Thank you ColonelMustardintheLibrary.

Having been in your friends place, I totally get what she is doing and why. You are safe. She needs a, safe place to cope with where she is and you are it. You back off noemw, you will lose your friend and there's a chqnce she will blacken your name everywhere for being selfish. She is obviously trying to put a brave face on her iwn situation. But if you push it, you will see the other side... The grief and not coping. So put your pettiness away and be a proper friend. It is not a bl*** competition.

@LeeleeSha MN is full of the kind of people who believe that being a mum is an excuse for saying or doing pretty much anything. I work with a lot of these people and I find that MN reflects them perfectly. I was on a thread last week where I was talking about my parent colleagues getting away with not doing their full time hours and the childless staff having to work unpaid, and had to deal with people yelling me that I was: a) wrong in what I thought was happening; b) sexist; and c) uncaring and should look into ways to make it easier on parents rather than judging.

I do think some people just aren’t happy unless everyone else accepts that they’re special and better than other women.

She’s unbearably jealous of you. You must be able to see that? No excuse but that’s where it’s coming from. By all means back away, if you’re both in pain you may not be able to help each other in the way friends should. But if she was a good friend I’d leave the door open- maybe a nice message just explaining without blame that you’re finding it all difficult but leaving the door open for the future.

@Mirw

Having been in your friends place, I totally get what she is doing and why. You are safe. She needs a, safe place to cope with where she is and you are it. You back off noemw, you will lose your friend and there's a chqnce she will blacken your name everywhere for being selfish. She is obviously trying to put a brave face on her iwn situation. But if you push it, you will see the other side... The grief and not coping. So put your pettiness away and be a proper friend. It is not a bl*** competition.

Hmm, especially as this is a friend who has been nothing but excited and supportive of the OP and her pregnancies, even to the point of giving her a pile of new born clothes and researching double buggies (which the OP dismissed as "gojng a bit nuts" which is....nice). All she actually appears to have done is say she couldn't look after the OP's child at the precise moment the OP wanted as she had plans (and parents also get their nails done or get a massage so not sure how that's being showy). I think that some posters on here will always take the side of the mother even when they are blatantly not reasonable. I'm not sure that's really the most useful thing to do to be honest.

@Londoncallingme

Just say ‘backed away because I’m busy with my children, I’m relieved that you’re happy with your choices. So am I’

@Londoncallingme would you really do that? Why?

@Heronwatcher

She’s unbearably jealous of you. You must be able to see that? No excuse but that’s where it’s coming from. By all means back away, if you’re both in pain you may not be able to help each other in the way friends should. But if she was a good friend I’d leave the door open- maybe a nice message just explaining without blame that you’re finding it all difficult but leaving the door open for the future.

@Heronwatcher

Hmm but is she “unbearably jealous”?

There’s not much to be jealous about re the OP’s situation at the moment .., PND, miserable, exhausted, literally no time to herself to the extent that even hearing about friend having a glass of wine in the bath is “triggering”.

Sounds like the jealousy is the other way round…