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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To confront a friend who is showy about not having kids?

476 replies

fmac2987 · 12/03/2022 10:41

I have a 2 year old DD and am expecting our second in 8 weeks.

I have a friend, who I know really wanted kids and went through a lot of try to have them, IVF etc, but has now decided with her current partner that they don't want children.

Its not like I had it easy. 4 losses followed by IVF and we were lucky enough to be successful with IVF, and even luckier still to be having another. But I am struggling hard with the terrible twos and perinatal depression and she knows it.

Whenever we chat, on whatsapp or whatever she makes a massive point of showing off that she doesn't have any commitments and sends photos of her in the bath with wine, etc etc. Normally I'd be thinking that all this is coming from a place of pain (and it might be) but I feel like its salt in the wound right now.

So I backed away a stopped chatting as much and she's called me out on it by saying she thinks I'm jealous, and I shouldn't avoid her just because she doesn't have children and has a life.

I really don't know how to manage this.

Is it unreasonable to back away from this weird situation?

OP posts:
Kate0902900908 · 13/03/2022 19:44

For context I have no children not by choice, tried everything. Friend has 2 babies under two.
She’s going through a hard time, lots of stress terrible twos and feels a bit lost and like she’s just a mum now. As a friend I go round I help we chat and laugh I go in sweats so we’re the same. I support her do you know why because that’s what friends do. I do have it easier I go places which I do tell her about but don’t brag, I make a point of offering for us to go to places that are good for kids too and we make the most of it. Your friend isn’t your friend. And yes it might be pain but the problem is she is jealous of you and in life you can’t act like that you have to be great full for what others have aswell plus surly she knows you had a journey getting where you are?
Find some friends new mums at play groups, online you can do better than that friendship! Xx

Dawnofthefed · 13/03/2022 19:44

I really wouldn't worry about it. Let her lie drinking in her bath and get on with your life. No need to be getting in touch with someone who tries to make you feel bad about yourself.

CastleBeckett · 13/03/2022 19:46

@Dawnofthefed

I really wouldn't worry about it. Let her lie drinking in her bath and get on with your life. No need to be getting in touch with someone who tries to make you feel bad about yourself.
🙄🙄🙄🙄 read the thread
CastleBeckett · 13/03/2022 19:48

@Kate0902900908

For context I have no children not by choice, tried everything. Friend has 2 babies under two. She’s going through a hard time, lots of stress terrible twos and feels a bit lost and like she’s just a mum now. As a friend I go round I help we chat and laugh I go in sweats so we’re the same. I support her do you know why because that’s what friends do. I do have it easier I go places which I do tell her about but don’t brag, I make a point of offering for us to go to places that are good for kids too and we make the most of it. Your friend isn’t your friend. And yes it might be pain but the problem is she is jealous of you and in life you can’t act like that you have to be great full for what others have aswell plus surly she knows you had a journey getting where you are? Find some friends new mums at play groups, online you can do better than that friendship! Xx
@Kate0902900908 what kind of stuff could the friend do? What about offering to mind OP DD to help her out? How about dropping round lots of newborn clothes for OP soon to arrive new baby?

Would that make her a good friend?

Oh wait she already did all that for OP Biscuit

nalasimba · 13/03/2022 19:49

@Kate0902900908 you say the problem is the friend is jealous of her, and you can't have a friendship like that....

OP has admitted that it is actually her that is jealous of her friend. Is that ok? Or is it just when her friend is jealous that it is a problem?

LuckySantangelo35 · 13/03/2022 19:50

@Kate0902900908

For context I have no children not by choice, tried everything. Friend has 2 babies under two. She’s going through a hard time, lots of stress terrible twos and feels a bit lost and like she’s just a mum now. As a friend I go round I help we chat and laugh I go in sweats so we’re the same. I support her do you know why because that’s what friends do. I do have it easier I go places which I do tell her about but don’t brag, I make a point of offering for us to go to places that are good for kids too and we make the most of it. Your friend isn’t your friend. And yes it might be pain but the problem is she is jealous of you and in life you can’t act like that you have to be great full for what others have aswell plus surly she knows you had a journey getting where you are? Find some friends new mums at play groups, online you can do better than that friendship! Xx
@Kate0902900908

Why should you have to hide or minimise aspects of your life to save your friends feelings?

It doesn’t seem that she is doing the same for you.

OP’s friend sounds like a great friend actually…sourcing free baby clothes and offering to look after her child so OP can rest. Not sure where OP will find a better friendship…

LuckySantangelo35 · 13/03/2022 19:52

@Dawnofthefed

I really wouldn't worry about it. Let her lie drinking in her bath and get on with your life. No need to be getting in touch with someone who tries to make you feel bad about yourself.
@Dawnofthefed

“And you just concentrate on your little family Hun, that’s what matters”

Obviously you didn’t quite write that but that was the subtext and it had me properly cringing

georgarina · 13/03/2022 20:01

You are having a hard time but you are clearly very jealous of your friend who, despite seeing you have what she desperately wanted, is offering help and support. OTOH you don't even want to hear about her day and get upset that she can't go for an unexpected plan because she's getting a manicure.

I think you should step away from the friendship. Why not admit you are jealous? It would probably bring you together as you know she wants children.

GingerWit · 13/03/2022 20:08

@fmac2987

I have a 2 year old DD and am expecting our second in 8 weeks.

I have a friend, who I know really wanted kids and went through a lot of try to have them, IVF etc, but has now decided with her current partner that they don't want children.

Its not like I had it easy. 4 losses followed by IVF and we were lucky enough to be successful with IVF, and even luckier still to be having another. But I am struggling hard with the terrible twos and perinatal depression and she knows it.

Whenever we chat, on whatsapp or whatever she makes a massive point of showing off that she doesn't have any commitments and sends photos of her in the bath with wine, etc etc. Normally I'd be thinking that all this is coming from a place of pain (and it might be) but I feel like its salt in the wound right now.

So I backed away a stopped chatting as much and she's called me out on it by saying she thinks I'm jealous, and I shouldn't avoid her just because she doesn't have children and has a life.

I really don't know how to manage this.

Is it unreasonable to back away from this weird situation?

"...and has a life" - Indirect insult and aggression right there. She's insecure because she doesn't have children of her own, so the misplaced anger is directed at you and you need to point her insecurities out to her.
Pumasonsatsumas · 13/03/2022 20:17

You have everything, she has nothing. You can afford to be generous and let this go.

Bertiebiscuit · 13/03/2022 20:26

Dump her - she is not someone you can be a friend to any more because she can't be a friend to you, accept the reality that your lives are too far apart and just move on - friendships don't always survive big life changes, that's just how it is - bringing up kids is hard, you need friends who are in your corner

nalasimba · 13/03/2022 20:28

Reading the replies on this thread you can really see why there are so many posts from mums complaining about how they have no friends once their kids grow up.

Leol · 13/03/2022 20:28

You have many years of drinking wine in a bath ahead of you, but you will also have a child/adult to chat to, to love, to worry about and to do things with. They don’t stay toddlers forever. I wouldn’t get upset with her over this.

LuckySantangelo35 · 13/03/2022 20:34

@Pumasonsatsumas

You have everything, she has nothing. You can afford to be generous and let this go.
@Pumasonsatsumas Whaaaaat?! To use a mumsnet classic…you been smoking glue!

Op doesn’t sound like she has “everything” to me…she sounds stressed, fed up and exhausted.

To use another mumsnet classic…Give your head a wobble!! 🤣
There’s more to life than kids, love!

Trippingslippingx1 · 13/03/2022 20:59

I think I can add a different light on this post.

I am mid thirties and had a tricky time in Love - I realised that there was a high possibility I would not meet a man to have a child with. I have had loads of unluck in love. I am desperate to be a mother and would have died to have the chance to even have the relationship to have a baby.

So I am not even at the point where I can say I have even tried to have IVF with someone and had failed pregnancies - I have not even had the chance. I realise now I will probably be a single mother not by choice with donor sperm.

Now with that in mind. I would NEVER bring up my friend who has post natal depressions struggled and compare like for like and talk about how lucky I am to have a free weekend.
I freely talk about how lucky she was to find a partner and have children but acknowledge she struggles - she does the same for me, whilst acknowledging my career but the fact I had a difficult time in love and can be the auntie.

I have also had ‘friends’ laugh behind my back for ‘picking’ awful partners and ‘loosing my chance’ to be a mother (yes this was quoted to me both to my face and behind my back) - so it is a very very complex narrative

I would say the time with this friend inparticular is probably over as there is no way om Gods earth should anyone be gloating about their life like that when they know full well their friend is struggiling - she is lashing out I think

CastleBeckett · 13/03/2022 21:09

@Trippingslippingx1 and I think you should read the OP posts….

Trippingslippingx1 · 13/03/2022 21:18

[quote CastleBeckett]@Trippingslippingx1 and I think you should read the OP posts….[/quote]
Hold on…

Bizawit · 13/03/2022 21:28

Do you send her photos of your kid/
family life, share info about your pregnancy/ daily activities etc? If so, why shouldn’t she share hers? I think YABU.

ChessMaster3000 · 13/03/2022 21:35

I have a friendship like this, and it's difficult on both sides. As the one that had kids (it wasn't easy) I've always been careful not to do the "why didn't we just get a dog" type comments, which I might make to fellow parents - I'm never ungrateful for the kids to her. However, I'm also careful not to sugar coat my life and to show appreciation for her life. For example, if she showed me wine and a bath, I absolutely would admit to being thoroughly jealous and say something like "that looks so relaxing, very jealous - I'm currently lying on a hard bedroom floor waiting for a toddler to sleep - really hope you have a wonderful evening". If you need empathy for how hard children are, going to the person who desperately wanted kids and couldn't have them, is the wrong choice. If you are genuinely struggling and can't cope with the fact she has free time, then I think you need to write something like "I'm sorry, I know I'm being unfair, but you're right I am jealous and not coping brilliantly at the moment. I do care though." And then maybe take a break from contacting her for a bit.

Caelan2018 · 13/03/2022 21:39

🤣🤣 love your comment

U2HasTheEdge · 13/03/2022 21:47

@Pumasonsatsumas

You have everything, she has nothing. You can afford to be generous and let this go.
What a disgusting thing to type. I can't believe you would even think this way.

It's clearly the OP that is the jealous one here. I am not sure it's the friend who is at fault.

Mickarooni · 13/03/2022 21:49

@Pumasonsatsumas

You have everything, she has nothing. You can afford to be generous and let this go.
I’ve seen some truly grim things on here but this has to be up there in the top 10.

I’m a parent. I do not think I have everything and a person without a child has nothing. I think a person with an attitude like yours has nothing…..

MamaBearBoo · 13/03/2022 22:00

It's sounds like she's jealous but trying not to show it - to me the best thing in life is being a mum, my kids are my greatest achievement and I'd always pick the rewards you get from being a parent over wine in the bath!

nalasimba · 13/03/2022 22:02

OP opens up about how she's struggling, her PND, how she misses her old life...

And along come the perfect mummy brigade saying how much they love motherhood.

Helpful I'm sure.

Woolandwonder · 13/03/2022 22:13

The thing is there is a way that you can share your difficulties and still be honest about what day to day looks like for both of you but it can take some work to get there. I can't have kids, never will, absolutely devastating, lots of health issues etc etc. Best friend has 2 but it's also really really hard for her due to having a child with significant special needs. We have reached a place where we can share whats happening for us honestly and that sometimes might look like me saying "I'm getting drunk in the bath" whilst she's wrangling a child in meltdown and sometimes it's her having a lovely family day out whilst I freak out alone and it's fine, it's totally fine. We love each other, we support each other in it all, she's my person and I'm hers..of course there are messy feelings on both sides that can be difficult but we are sensible adults who have a 20 yr friendship and the ability to really empathise and be compassionate with each others experience. I'm very lucky and it's definitely not like that with everyone, but my point is it doesn't have to be a battle of mothers vs non mothers or a misery competition.