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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder how mums who don't have a job outside the home feel when their children leave the nest?

170 replies

Runninghat · 11/03/2022 20:35

I'm so grateful for my career now my children are growing up and leaving home as it is something that distracts me from missing them. What do you do if you don't have that? One mum friend has gone back to work part -time and is loving it. Another has not got a job but I do worry about how she will feel when her youngest leaves home.

OP posts:

LexMitior · 12/03/2022 13:01

@AlexaShutUp - yes similar reasons prompted me to keep working as my mother suffered a lot after we left home - she was a terrific mother, but the perception she hadn't used her full talent was obvious to us as children.

She had on the tin a very nice life with voluntary work too, all the nice house, hobbies etc. It depends who you are and what you want from life. My own life has been different - I've found I've conspiciously "achieved" things that I can say "that was me". How your parents handle these challenges doesn't just shape kids when they leave.

AlexaShutUp · 12/03/2022 13:21

@ralanne

It's also important to maintain a sense of self outside your paid work. I've seen several older relatives who have struggled to adjust when early retirement was thrust on them through redundancy or ill-health.

Yes, totally agree. That's why it's important in my view to have a balance in your life so that you're not entirely focused on your kids, your job or whatever.

Hairbrush123 · 12/03/2022 13:31

My SIL is a SAHM. DH thinks she has zero intentions of returning to work even once her children are adults and I don’t blame her. She used to commute 100 miles daily 5 days a week and work long hours (WFH still isn’t an option for her if she were in that position still). BIL gives her £500 a month allowance (which is all spending money as he pays for their children's maintenance). I would just feel quite uneasy if he were to one day leave me but that’s down to her!

Momicrone · 12/03/2022 13:34

Time to have sex on the sofa?

ZZTopGuitarSolo · 12/03/2022 15:02

@Darbs76

If anyone doesn’t believe this is a real problem for many women join one of the parent university groups in September / October time. Endless posts about this very thing

I’m in several. What I’ve observed from them is that women with jobs miss their kids just as much as women without jobs.

Needtogetoffmyphone · 12/03/2022 18:50

I’ve seen that in real life too. Work doesn’t make up for missing your children.

Having a life and interests outside them does help - they come through us, but are not of us. I enjoy my children as the young adults that they are now.

I’m also conscious that I have 20-30 years left of my own life, and I fully intend to enjoy it.

Mary46 · 12/03/2022 19:17

Yes good to have your own interests. My 20 yr old does his own thing now...I found time long not working. I have stayed at home too.

Grasping · 12/03/2022 20:15

@drawingpad

Grasping
Also, if you’ve done your job properly empty nest shouldn’t be much of an issue.

Mine were self sufficient before they left home

I thought empty nest syndrome was about how the parent felt when their child left, not how they had taught them to be self sufficient?

Yes, but by allowing them to fend for themselves and not spend my time cooking, washing and clearing up for them, it made it easier when they moved out

drawingpad · 12/03/2022 20:53

[quote Grasping]@drawingpad

Grasping
Also, if you’ve done your job properly empty nest shouldn’t be much of an issue.

Mine were self sufficient before they left home

I thought empty nest syndrome was about how the parent felt when their child left, not how they had taught them to be self sufficient?

Yes, but by allowing them to fend for themselves and not spend my time cooking, washing and clearing up for them, it made it easier when they moved out[/quote]

Ah, I see. I totally missed what you meant

Grasping · 12/03/2022 20:59

You are right though!
Them fending for themselves isn’t what empty nest is about, but ‘letting go’ when they’re still at home helps 😊

timestheyarechanging · 13/03/2022 02:05

The vast majority of my friends, and myself, went part time when children were born and never went back to working full time. Mine are 18 and 23 now and I work 25 hrs a week. No desire to work any more hours, neither do my friends. I love being able to meet friends for lunch or a long walk during the week. Don't get that Sunday evening horror thinking about work tomorrow as I don't work Mondays. I visit my parents, meet friends, go to a yoga class. I would never go back to working full time. A few of my friends don't work at all and are very happy. I plan to move to the coast later this year, buy cash and mostly retire - I'll work with my partner about 10 hours a week, as will he. I'm 51 he's 55.

nokidshere · 13/03/2022 03:22

I never went out to work, I always worked from home. I'm now retired. My boys are now 20 (at uni) and 23 (first job after uni), so they've been away (sort of, covid etc) for the past 3 yrs.

What do I do? Well quite a lot of the time I do absolutely nothing at all! It's total bliss. I love doing nothing. I also read, paint (and sell some of my art), meet up with friends, have lots of sex with DH who is now retired.

It's extremely patronising of you to be worried about another adults time unless she/he has asked for suggestions of how to fill it.

LuaDipa · 13/03/2022 12:41

@Snazzyjazzpants

My MIL strategy was to allow a co-dependant relationship with her youngest son. Now she has passed away leaving a petulant manchild who can't go through a day without a mummy on hand to mollycoddle him. I mean, he's 34, never had a job never had a girlfriend and sulks if he has to come out of his room to eat dinner (mummy bought it in on a tray). FIL is retired , his health is failing and BIL won't get off his lazy arse to even do the dishes. Because if mummy was here, she would swoop in and make sure he didn't have to. I'm sure not every SAHM does this, but I'm also sure if she had something else waiting for her he would have had to fend for himself a bit more. As it was, he was the centre of her world, and now it ruined his life.

And this is all the fault of the SAHM? No input from Fil or the fully grown man refusing to get a job? Ok then.

What a horrid post.

Autumn42 · 14/03/2022 19:59

@nokidshere

I never went out to work, I always worked from home. I'm now retired. My boys are now 20 (at uni) and 23 (first job after uni), so they've been away (sort of, covid etc) for the past 3 yrs.

It's extremely patronising of you to be worried about another adults time unless she/he has asked for suggestions of how to fill it.

This is great! As long as you and Dh are both happy with this then good on you

amicissimma · 15/03/2022 15:03

Erm, there are many people who consider there is more to life than just working and/or raising children.

Nikolaus · 15/03/2022 15:06

Partake in hobbies and leisure activity.

londonmummy1966 · 15/03/2022 15:08

I've one away and one at boarding school - last year there - so this is pretty well me already. I volunteer for a range of organisations, meet up with friends for nice walks/wine/coffee/art exhibitions etc. I can do whatever courses and classes I like, go to matinees the cinema whenever I want. What makes you think I'm going into a decline as my DC are leaving the nest?

WombOfOnesOwn · 15/03/2022 15:52

My husband is the SAHP in our family and I hope that when the children leave the nest, he feels like it's a well-deserved retirement. I might even throw him a party and buy him a gold watch for it! He deserves it.

nokidshere · 15/03/2022 19:04

@Autumn42 This is great! As long as you and Dh are both happy with this then good on you

He loves being retired too! He's a birdwatcher/photographer so spends lots of time outdoors which is his happy space. Best of both worlds, personal time apart, fab times together. We love it! What's not to like 😁

Chely · 15/03/2022 19:06

I'm gonna have a P-A-R-T-Y!!!!!!

SAHM to 6, will be due a nice break.

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